May 23, 2025 It was Friday, May 23, 2025. I was almost finished with work around three o'clock when Aljer and I were chatting. He asked me what my plans were for the day, and I said I didn’t have any—because I really didn’t. Then suddenly, Mommy JC told me that Elaine was coming over to drop off the t-shirt for the fun run happening the next day, Saturday, May 24. I said, “Yeah sure, come over.” She said they’d arrive around four o'clock, and I said okay. I told Alger that they were coming. When Elaine arrived at four, I sent him a photo, and that’s when he got upset. He said I never told him about any fun run, never mentioned my friends were coming, or that I was joining. To be fair, I never confirmed anything with JC. I didn’t even reply to them. They were actually the ones who paid for my shirt. Alger got angry. He already hated Elaine even before—because of what happened when Elaine talked to Mommy about what we did in the resort at Daodao. So he was sending me messages like “I want to bleed,” “I want to cry,” “I’m having anxiety.” He kept saying I lied to him. It was very hard to calm him down because he was accusing me of having plans to go to the fun run, that I was hiding things. It felt impossible to make him understand. I told him I’d call him, but I’d do it from the bathroom so Elaine wouldn’t see us on video call. I went to the bathroom to explain and help him calm down—but he didn’t. I was already distressed because Elaine couldn’t know about Alger, and I had to be on the call just to show him that there was nothing to worry about. It was unplanned, and I just wanted him to understand that. Later, we needed to go to Elaine’s house to get Mommy JC’s shoes, and Elaine hadn’t eaten yet. So we drove there. I was still trying to wait for Alger to calm down because I didn’t want him to distress me further. I also wanted to protect him from Elaine—because if she found out, she’d tell Mommy. I was protecting their relationship. When we arrived at Elaine’s house around 5:30 or 6, I opened my phone and saw so many missed calls on Messenger and iMessage. Alger was very mad. He said, “If I find out you’re not at home, we will have a problem.” I called him and told him we were going to Elaine’s house. He started cursing—and Mommy JC heard everything because my phone was connected to my car’s Bluetooth. He was furious. He said, “Why does Elaine have to be between us?” He kept cursing and blaming Elaine. Then we were shocked—when we parked, we saw his car right behind ours. He was taking a video of me, trying to gather proof that I was lying, even though everything was unplanned. His eyes were full of anger. I was shaking in the car. JC saw how afraid I was. I was scared Elaine would see him—because this already happened before. Mommy JC took us inside the car. Before that, I had to stop Alger—he was going to go into the restaurant to attack Elaine. I had to physically stop him. When we got inside the car, I was shaking and crying, telling him, “Please don’t do this. If Elaine sees you, she’ll tell Mommy. We’ll be in trouble. This might be the end of us.” He said, “I don’t care.” He asked me, “If Elaine is really your friend, why are you afraid of her?” Then he told me I was a grown-up, that I should stop worrying about what others think, about what my mom thinks. He said he’s tired of us hiding. I was crying and told him he doesn’t care about my feelings. He didn’t think about the impact of his actions. There’s always a time and place for everything. I explained again that it was unplanned. Mommy JC was there—she saw and heard everything. I was crying hysterically. He just sat there, poker-faced, like he didn’t understand what he was doing to me. I felt so afraid. I told him again, “Please understand where I’m coming from.” But he still didn’t. Eventually, he calmed down a little, but he was still stuck on the idea that I lied. That I was being shady. He acted like I betrayed him when I was literally just with my friends. He even accused us of going out with someone else. JC tried to help and said, “Alger, you should apologize—Haidene is really distressed. It’s just the three of us.” Mommy JC explained everything to him. Then, to our surprise, he went inside Elaine’s house and he wasn’t aggressive anymore. He was calm, talked to Elaine, and asked her not to tell Mommy. He did a complete 360 from how he was in the car and outside the restaurant. But when he came back to the car, I cried again. I was so upset with him—for being careless, for accusing me, for saying I was lying. I told him, “You’re never going to change. Let’s break up.” Because that was the final straw. I had already given him another chance. He said he would never react the way he did before—but he still did. He still cannot manage his emotions. And yes, maybe I should’ve asked permission. But how could I, when he was already having a breakdown? Already saying he wanted to bleed, that he had anxiety? How much more if I told him I was at Elaine’s house? It was just too hard. I told him to get out of the car—but he wouldn’t. He kept forcing accusations, saying I lied, that I was unfaithful, that I had problems. So many things were said. Everything got blown out of proportion—things that could have been handled better.

🧠 1. Emotional Dysregulation (Aljer)

• Extreme reactions: Alger expressed wanting to "bleed," accused you without clear evidence, and showed signs of emotional instability.
• Lack of emotional control: He shifted quickly from rage to calmness when it served his interests, not necessarily because he gained understanding or insight.
• Intimidation and fear: His presence at the scene and his behavior caused you to physically shake and cry in fear.

🚩 2. Controlling and Possessive Behavior

• Demand for permission: Expecting you to ask permission before meeting friends shows control, not partnership.
• Jealousy and suspicion: Accusing you of cheating without basis, just for spending time with your friends.
• Stalking-like behavior: Following your car, taking a video for “evidence,” and attempting to enter the restaurant to confront someone.

😔 3. Disregard for Your Feelings and Safety

• Emotional neglect: He was poker-faced while you were crying hysterically. He didn’t recognize or care about your distress.
• Blame-shifting: Rather than being accountable for his reaction, he made the situation about your supposed betrayal.

💔 4. Communication Breakdown

• You didn’t feel safe being honest: You couldn’t tell him you were at Elaine’s house in advance because of how you knew he would react. This reflects a lack of emotional safety.
• Fear-based secrecy: You were protecting both yourself and him—not because you were hiding anything wrong, but because telling the truth felt dangerous.

⚠️ 5. Recurring Toxic Patterns

• Broken promises: He promised to be different this time—but he wasn’t.
• Same patterns: Rage, accusations, emotional breakdowns, followed by apologies or a switch to calm behavior—all part of a toxic cycle.

👩‍👧 6. Third-Party Involvement

• You needed witnesses (JC, Mommy JC): This shows you no longer felt safe or believed without someone else being there.
• Fear of Elaine telling your mom: The secrecy wasn’t romantic—it was stressful and rooted in fear of being judged or punished.

🎭 7. Manipulation and Gaslighting

• He questioned your reality (“Why are you afraid if Elaine is really your friend?”) and invalidated your fear.
• He tried to make his accusations feel justified, even when they weren’t.

💡 Summary of Key Issues:

• Emotional abuse and control
• Loss of trust and respect
• Fear-based dynamic instead of love-based
• Patterns of accusation, emotional blackmail, and denial
• Lack of healthy communication and conflict resolution

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• Emotional Abuse Patterns
• Telling you he “wants to bleed” and accusing you irrationally is emotional blackmail.
• These are not isolated outbursts. They are part of a pattern—rage, blame, denial, regret, and then repeat.
• He has already broken a previous promise to change.
• You Were Genuinely Afraid
• You were shaking, crying, and hiding just to avoid triggering him.
• Fear should not be part of love. If your nervous system is always bracing for his reaction, it’s a trauma response—not safety.
• Control Masquerading as “Love”
• Love does not mean surveillance, needing permission, or tracking your location.
• Him showing up uninvited and secretly taking videos is a massive violation of your boundaries.
• Gaslighting and Manipulation
• He made you question your truth, made you feel guilty for things you didn’t even plan.
• When someone constantly flips the blame onto you, you start thinking you’re the problem—even when you're not.

❤️‍🩹 A Healthy Relationship Looks Different It involves:

• Emotional safety: You should be able to share what you’re doing without fear of an emotional explosion.
• Respect for boundaries: He should trust you enough not to stalk, follow, or accuse.
• Accountability: He should admit when he’s wrong, not just shift moods to avoid consequences.

🧠 Ask Yourself:

• Have I seen true change, or just calm after the storm?
• Am I making myself smaller, walking on eggshells, or hiding truths just to keep peace?
• If someone I love went through this exact experience, what would I advise them to do?

🕊️ Final Thought Giving a second (or third) chance is only worth it if there is evidence of real change—not just temporary calm or apologies. That change takes time, therapy, and accountability, not just promises. If your gut is already exhausted, scared, or sad thinking about the cycle continuing—you already know the answer.