I wish I knew what was wrong. I don’t wish out of a simple curiosity or a desire to know but rather so I could help you. I don’t know what to believe anymore. 4 A.M. And you were at my door, with so many secrets to tell me. You told me everything, how you hated who you were, how you wished you could change, and everything wrong you’ve done. All I could see was guilt on your face, sadness, and I truly do not believe you were lying, just like I believe you really weren’t all that drunk, you’re just using that as an excuse. I believe you hate yourself. This is why you do what you do. This is why you’ve been partying so much, coming home everyday drunk, missing school, dropping classes, and denying everything you said to me. I know you remember what you said. You told me how you felt about me, how you really felt, and you felt it for a while. It took me by surprise after everything you ever told me, or anyone as a matter of fact. I suppose you wanted to keep it a secret.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t say it back to you, not because I didn’t feel the same way, because the truth is I do, and I have for a while. I couldn’t say it because I was afraid you would wake up in the morning and regret everything you told me. I am still so hurt over a lot of things, and I just couldn’t tell you, because if you woke up in the morning and told me it was all a mistake, I would have been so embarrassed and confused. You did that anyways, said it was a mistake, said you were simply drunk. However, there is still this nagging feeling inside me that says if I told you, you wouldn’t have denied it, you would have told me the truth. I hope that’s not the case, because I feel so guilty for not telling you. I see you a couple days later, you told me how much you partied, invited Kelly over, and if Raphy was single, that really really hurt. That was so mean.

But there’s more, I know there’s much more to you acting this way. I wish I knew, I know you feel guilty over the people, the girls in especially, that you hurt in the past, how you lie to your family everytime they call about how things are going, how you go out and party and hit on girls, but you don’t even like it. I told you you could change, be yourself, there is no standard you should have to live up to other than the one that makes you genuinely happy. You don’t need to go out and get drunk and try to be cool. Just be you. When I met you you were getting good grades, had so many projects you were working on, dreams you wanted to have, and this crazy big smile that always used to be there. It’s such a contrast from now

I miss the goofball that was so awkward and didn’t know what to say sometimes, so he used to play with his hair because he looked so nervous, who used to ask me to go to breakfast and fight with me over stupid things and ask me the craziest questions, and waited in my lobby for almost 2 hours when he thought I was mad at him. Maybe I’m being a little too honest but this train wreck isn’t you. Coming home drunk, doing nothing, spiralling out of control, you are so much more then this. You told me when you met me you had integrity. You can be that way again, because this, this mess, it isn’t who you are. I know you have struggled with a lot, but you can’t let that define you, you have to pick up and decide who you want to be and let success and happiness grow from all of your misery. Don’t continue to be this coward when you could be so much more, you have been, and you can be again. I know you may have done awful things, but you have to forgive yourself, you have to learn to love yourself, because I believe you’re worth it, even though you never believed me, I still believe that. I don’t know what’s going on, and why you’re doing this, I wish you would tell me the truth, about everything, and let me be there, let me help you. I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, like you can’t get up so you feel like you’ll just stay there, and wallow, because you don’t know how to get back up. I miss you, I miss fighting with you, I miss how determined you were.

The truth is I can’t help you until you want to be helped. I wish you would want to. If that day ever comes, I’ll be there.