dates & events

• 12| my bday
• 16| dad's bday
• 29| han's bday

projects

• try to get in to a healthy lifestyle (follow meal plan and exercise)
  • goal: lose 1-2kg per week
• stop crying in front of jonthan FOR FUCKS SAKE

to do

• ✔ write a little
• ✔ read at least one of the borrowed mangas
• finish terra formars volume 1
• ✔ read at least one book

read (books/fanfictions/mangas/etc)

• assim falou zaratustra (mangá ver.) (friederich nietzsche)
• o menino que queria abraçar o mundo (fernanda mello)
• mulher de frases (fernanda mello)

watched (movies/series/animes)

• nothing much

writing

• letters to my dad
• sad poems
• letters to becky

soundtrack

• mais do mesmo (acústico) - legião urbana
• baader meinhof blues (acústico) - legião urbana
• creep (radiohead cover) - postmodern jukebox
• índios (acústico) - legião urbana
• optimistic - radiohead
• thinking about you - radiohead
• five thirty am - fabrizio paterlini
• maquiladora - radiohead
• the bends - radiohead

resume

• school started
• had really bad anxiety attacks and even thought i was going to die
• ate a lot of chocolate but still didn't calm the fuck down

about those days

• 1| I'M OVERWHELMED.
• 2| i didn't exist today
• 3| dyed my hair, took pictures with my cat. // organized my room late in the night
• 4| i'm so sad. everyone is making progress and i'm stuck. i went to look for a job online cause school this year will be so fucking expesive and everytime i look for a job, i doesn't metter if it's online or on the streets handing curriculums, i feel like it's not for me. i don't have anything to offer for the world. // gave laika a bath // early birthday gift and dinning out at quintal do guima (ate so fucking much ugh)
• 5| spent the day organizing things, but in the end of the day, felt improdutive
• 6-9| i'm not here, this isn't happening
• 10| first day of school. i'm doing great but also sad as fuck
• 11| talked to some people at school today. they didn't seem to like me. it's alright. // i'm getting out of the state of denial and joining the state of hopelessness because of that event
• 12| jonathan missed work to be with me. it would be a great day if it was a regular day. but it was my birthday, and i had high expectations. he gave me a book and cake and was so kind. // 7 people desired me a happy bday. i'm hitting records on being unpopular and having no friends yay.
• 13| bought myself a white rose as a late birthday gift. i never received any flower from a lover and i have this dream. so i'll be my own lover and give myself the gifts i deserve. // cried so much about missing rebecca. i feel like she's over me. but i'm not over this, i can't be over this. i really want to be with her, living the best moments of her life and also the worst, by her side.
• 14| i saw a mouse for the first time, in my garage. it was so small and dear. how can they be so dirty and unclean and make people sick?
• 15| today i did nothing but breathe
• 16| what a huge party, it made me really happy.
• 17| my brother and fernanda took me to have cookies and bubble tea // i cried a lot writing a letter to becky that she'll never read + cried a lot, had a bad anxiety attack and i think i won't get out of the bed tomorrow
• 18| managed to get out of bed and take my meds without waking my mom up, but the anxiety of the last night still remained and i was still so aaaaa when class started. i could only calm myself down 15-20 minutes after class started and i was completely imersed. on my way back home i was overthinking again. when i arrieved i ate a fucking lot of chocolate and had lunch. food didn't relax me so i took a long hot shower and felt so much better to organize my room and do stuff
• 19| i felt cute today. there were musicians at the xv playing classical music and i stopped to listen for a while. // tried to to be healthier but ended up drowning in chocolate
• 20| i don't remember
• 21| karla called me and invited to go to a park. i said maybe. and then i went to sleep with jonathan and woke up with her calling me again to go to the fucking park. she put rodrigo on the phone and he said "please, come here" and i said "i'm on my way, sweetie" or something like that, and jonathan said i'm desperate for friends, i almost cried. // had so much fun with the guys playing hide and seek and that other game of guessing the other's job
• 22| worst day of my life so far. i went to jonathan's place and he went to work, i was all alone. slept half an hour and woke up. i've been in pain (my bones and my head are aching) for several days because i've been grinting my teeth all the time (i'm so nervous). and i also had pain all over my body for sleeping in a bad position. except for the coffee, my day was shit. the pain made me nervous and anxious when i was alone. i tried to sleep but i was afraid to die sleeping and then people would think i did nothing with my life and i failed in existence. and i started to scratch myself and cry and hyperventilate. i took off my clothes to scratch myself even more until i felt better. jonathan came home and i told him, he was worried. he asked if i'm not going to take care of myself anymore, cause i'm not talking about working out and dieting lately. it made me really nervous. i'm not going to tell anyone about my anxiety anymore, just dra. renata.
• 23| i wasn't so anxious today, but i'm still to slow and lazy at doing things
• 24| wrote 3 poems // too much pain on my fuckin ass bone, i felt so absent in class (that was because of anxiety too). i'll see a doctor tomorrow // talked to helena and luisa. they're good
• 25| had 3 coffees and no food and almost passed out on the street. // met robson
• 26| went to class but got so nervous i had to go to jonathan house before it started
• 27| missed class again.
• 28| i can't go to class today, the city is in alert state because of possible agressive manifestations // jonathan screamed at me over stupid reasons and i wanted to die // i started writing a new poem collection
• 30| i screamed at my mother then got anxious cause i shouldn't do it, but she was fine // i'm so sad cause my family is into pieces (and i don't know what to do!!) and wrote a poem about it // jonathan is bothering me to find a hobby and turn my life the right way