just to prove that medication doesn't work.

• 2016.03.21 cried like god cries the rain. felt ugly, useless, fat and fracassed
• the days in between i don't remember
• 2016.03.24-25 sad and never crying because i cannot cry. feeling like a failure with no friends
• 2016.03.26 slightly sad about nothing
• 2016.03.27 almost cried in my auntie's house cause i felt like a failure because, again, i'm doing nothing i want to do with my life and everyone is just fine and working on what they want to do. and also, i'm fat as fuck and i can't stop eating
• 29.03.29 "how could you possibly hate life less?" "dying" then i cried // i'm a disappoitment, the biggest, fattest, ugliest and worst disappointment anyone could have // stop talking stop talking stop talking please bury me alive please bury me alive please bury me alive i fucked up i fucked up i fucked up
• 2016.03.31 i wish i was hit by a bus
• 2016.04.02 i haven't done anything produtive (except reading) in days and it makes me really sad // i want to hurt myself
• 2016.04.05 "plus size" // i want to be small and cute but i'm just huge and disgusting
• 2016.04.07 my mom tapped my stomach and said "start a diet"
• 2016.04.08 my mom got sad cause i told my psichiatrist she says bad things about everyone and she thinks my mom's vacated and that's why she's so bitter
• 2016.04.09 she showing my dream from inside and living it while i can only cry and feel bad
• 2016.04.10 mom's sad cause i said she says too many bad things about people // i'm so fucking fat and fracassed
• 2016.04.12 it's my birthday and i've been thinking: am i what i thought i would be at this age? if i could reach this age alive, i thought i would be so successful. but i'm at the bottom. i'm not in college, i'm not skinny, i'm not doing what i want to do and i can't be productive. i don't have close friends to talk to, i don't think my datemate would ever understand and i'm afraid of my mom. // singing welcome to my life in the shower at 1a.m. and crying // i wonder what it's like to be someone like those wonderful people i see everyday online and offline // all these charges are killing me // i saw my reflection in the mirror and i wanted to cry // i think i was supposed to be sad when i woke up today. i laughed, i talked, i freaked out over my birthday gifts, but when they sung "happy bday to you" i was wishing i could be different, somebody else, somewhere else. but i was happy j. was by my side.
• 2016.04.13 8.5 // j. said i was going to say something wrong if i went with him. it made me think: i always say something wrong // clothes fit but keep getting out of their right place, going up or down, showing my fat // maybe i was born to have everything going wrong with me // again imagining what could happen if dad was alive. mom said he would be almost or totally blind and on a wheelchair. it makes me so sad cause i can't imagine it. my dad was always so strong and never showed weekness.
• 2016.04.14 j. is leaving tomorrow // thinking about to not eat for fifteen days.
• 2016.04.15 i'm ugly even with makeup on my face // all the clothes look ugly or don't fit, i don't know what to wear tomorrow // i need to stop eating right now
• 2016.04.16 skinny and pretty girls at the mall // dad's bday, i miss him // it's kinda sad to be the one who always remember dates by memory and not by having social media reminding you of them, and even so, people didn't remember your birthday (still upset cause she didn't say anything... it's ok, she has more things to do, another friends to talk to) // fucking up even more the things between me and mom
• 2016.04.17 i shouldn't have eaten anything at all // so fat // so ugly i make yoda look like he's the prettiest creature alive
• 2016.04.18 i want to feel my bones on his bones. i want to have it hurting
• 2016.04.19 i think people around me are so produtive and when they do things, they do it so correctly, while when i do things i'm a disaster.
• 2016.04.20 i'm thinking, how many people around me don't ever fulfill their dreams? did my mom fulfull her dreams? i mean, of course she married with the person she loved and was happy, but how about the other things? is my brother happy with what he is now? i'm sure the answer is no. but how about the little ones? will they ever conquer the things they want in life? i asked allan what he wants to be and he said he wants to be a cop. adriel said he wants to be a man. will they change their minds like i did? is karla doing what she really wants or she is only looking for money? does she even know what her heart wants? i'm sad.
• 2016.04.21 i hate it when people try to impose a standart on my lifestyle // i was rude with karla, but i was already sad with her
• 2016.04.23 humor is oscilating really hard, i can not keep up // i want to eat everything, but i also want to starve and get skinny. how do i cope?
• 2016.04.25 i want to staaaarve but they keep offering delicious food and i accept because i love food, but i must not!
• 2016.04.30 i can't remember about a half part of my day. this headache is killing me.
• 2016.05.03 jonathan gave up on me. // fuck the healthy lifestyle ideas, i'll starve, i'll purge everything i eat, and i'll smoke. i'll die. // i want to stab myself in the ears.
• 2016.05.04 purged so much i was scared.
• 2016.05.05 i need to stop with so many things and start so many others.