- 2015.12.13 cried like a baby on j's shoulder and he held me and said he was here for me, then i cried even harder. we watched a really cute movie. i wish i was like that girl in the movie, she was so so sweet.
- 2015.12.30 everyone is crying and angry and i can't understand why.
- 2016.01.05 i feel numb. nothing is what it was meant to be and it's already the 5th day of the year. i'll never be as pretty as f.
- 2016.01.23 i took the wrong pills to change who i was. little did i know that i was already a complete person.
- 2016.02.14 i can't stand being awake anymore. i wish i could take a sedative. or a lot.
- 2016.02.24 i'm afraid i'm wasting my life on nothing. i want to do something, but i have no motivation. the only thing i know how to do is to talk too loud and procrastinate. // i want to talk to j but mom keeps saying he's a jerk.
- 2016.02.26 my mom says people want to move ahead in life, while i just want to go backwards.
- 2016.02.29 j fucked up everything & i'm a little shit and i can't do anything right.
- 2016.03.10 i'm tense and nervous and i can't relax.
- 2016.03.12 people are so mistrustful of each other.
- 2016.03.16 how can someone be so rad while i'm this piece of shit?
- 2016.03.21 ugly and fat and useless.
- 2016.03.24 i was left behind.
- 2016.03.27 today is tecnically my birthday, once i was born on an easter sunday (let's remember that shameful moment i almost called my cousin dumb on front of my grandma)
- 2016.03.28 meals consist of fast food (a really delicious and unhealhty sandwich sided with fries covered in cheddar and bacon and the most sugary juice) and chocolate. and that's my diet. v important
- 2016.03.31 i'm not even cool and i cry a lot // oh, that's right, no one cares, no one. NO ONE FUCKING CARES.
- 2016.04.02 my mom keep saying really bad things about j. and i want to cry. she says she likes him, but she is so mean // she said i have no manners, i told her she taught me no manners
- 2016.04.04 we should have gone to liquori // que linda, linda, ta linda, linda, ai, linda, linda
- 2016.04.07 we went to liquori!!!! best coffee ever! // doing it by the sound of epitáfio and heartkiller, then j blabled by the sound of karma police // i should stop waiting for tomorrow and start doing stuff today
- 2016.04.08 the smell of rain was so strong // hours in the shower singing the sacrament
- 2016.04.09 went to caress with botticelli and antônio/afonso came to lick my face and ask for caresses too, the bus stations workers must think i'm the crazy dog lady // "amoure anal" ahahaha
- 2016.04.11 is pelvis a good name for a dog? // j. gave me the bag (!!1!!1) and it's so beautiful, just like the store we bought it from // we ate a fucking triple hamburger sandwich and a lot of fries covered in cheddar and bacon, with "as much as you can have" of soft drinks at bk and then we barely could think, but i still wanted dessert
- 2016.04.12 afonso/antônio is actually called benedito. botticelli's real name is still unknow. but i also know rex's name and i didn't give him a name yet, so, extra points // 'shrooms on jb and how we almost stepped on them // we found our initials we carved on that tree almost 2 years ago // the weather was nice // BLACK LIPSTICK + eyeliner + red lipstick + LOTS OF CANDY + DA CUTE BAG // my face when m. said she was going to take the cake back to her house and how everyone laughed // "there's someone pooping and she needs company" // I GAVE J. A ROCK! // the universe owns me a wish
- 2016.04.13 "i'm sad. i want to listen to something really sad" "if i listen to something sad, i'll cry" "let's listen to sad things and cry together?" "yes" then he made me a sad face with play dough. he's only 8... he called me pretty princess again
- 2016.04.15 j. went to rio and i miss him // w. invited me to have a drink
- 2016.04.16 it was fun with william // knowing me knowing you is killing me with ville's perfection // prayed for dad. even being an atheist, i still have a heart and miss him // my brother can only think about money, he's so selfish
- 2016.04.17 slept so long my head hurts // i hate politics
- 2016.04.18 painted a picture and it's lame // can i be smarter only by eating all the textbook's pages? can they taste like chocolate and don't make me fat?
- 2016.04.20 my tooth is really hurting these days, i need to see a doctor // talking about doctors, i can't believe how anderson neglects his sons. allan has those tremors on his arm, he said that more than twice and anderson still doesn't care // gave allan and adriel some gifts, they were so happy about the 0,5kg play dough and we played a lot with it. i really ate the play dough to make them laugh. allan was really excited about the diary and the stationery, but i really didn't know what to give adriel but the dough so i gave chocolate // allan said it's the happiest day in his life // i admire allan's persistence
- 2016.04.23 had a lot of fun with the children
- 2016.04.25 fernanda and raphael took me to the flower shop, but we didn't buy anything. they almost gave me a japanese cherry tree to plant on the yard, but fernanda thought it was better to take one of hers, it wounldn't cost anything. dori was a very crazy fish.
- 2016.04.26 did everything right and didn't forget anything, i'm so proud of myself! // cfa is confusing me (he always confused), but his writing is marvelous.
- 2016.04.28 cold, cold day // altas conchinhas // jonathan is back // i'm so happy for everything today
- 2016.04.30 i'll start a new life. i'll try again. i'll make it glorious.
- 2016.05.05 new life is not so glorious. // guess who has the most smooth skin and takes good care of her teeth? // benedito tried to bite me (he was playing, but still tried) and botticelli is a lovely girl.
- 2016.05.06 they say "love yourself" but i have no idea of how to do it.
- 2016.05.07 worst day of the year so far. i was robbed at the bus station, my mother made it even worse. plus that guy laying down on the street and masturbating (and all the little girls passing by and seeing that bastard doing that), then i called the police. it was the second time i called the police in my entire life. i hope he was arrested, i didn't stay to see what happened next. but all i wanted to do was to cry. // my mother's friend is so cool but she made me really nervous (i was even shaking, but lied saying that i was cold) when she tried to convince me to go to church with her. // i tried to help, but my mom said i was only bothering. // when will today be over? i'm so sick of it. i want to cry. someone please save me // i'm a fucking burden
- 2016.05.08 my mom is so argh. she gets all angry for things so small then i have this need to run away and hide myself to drown in self hatred. // this kids are driving me crazy
- 2016.05.09 jonathan is the flash. // i'm still sad about my stolen wallet and can't stop thinking about how useless i am for letting it happen
- 2016.05.13 i'm a piece of pure shit // dra ângela won't let me stop taking my medication. i'm angry. // i wish i could say the things, i really do. but my mom is like "no one cares about me" and wow, did she give a fuck about how i felt when that things happened to me last week? i'm starting to realize that. // "tenho medo de um dia cansar desse drama"
- 2016.05.15 karla is stupid.
- 2016.05.16 i was so produtive today, i'm so proud of myself. the only thing missing is to study something :/ i really wish i was more compromised with it.
- 2016.05.20 i haz wallet!
- 2016.05.21 memory is getting worse. // writing the letter.
- 2016.05.24 thinking about religion in the street and stopping by the maket to sit and write my thoughts // the atheist stand-up is hilarious and i love it // jonathan is fascinated about hypnosis and i can only believe pyong lee's videos are all fake... idk
- 2016.05.25 felt beautiful in my witch dress but felt so fat and vulnerable. // i need to lose weight right now.
- 2016.05.26 it could be a lot worse, but the shit is real. // it was fun with sr. marco, but all i can think about the biblical prophecies is "BULLSHIT!" // i'm fine, but kinda wanna kill myself
- 2016.05.28 i'm so fucking disturbed, i want to cry. what's wrong with this world? i want to kill myself and get rid of it. // I'M TENSE AND NERVEOUS AND I CAN'T RELAX // someone save me please // i want to hang myself by my neck and kick the chair
- 2016.05.29 woke up to be selfish and have my mom screaming at me // i really can't read interview with the vampire // i want to punch something. specially my mother's face
- 2016.06.02 didn't finish interview with the vampire in time and i'm going to renew the borrowing // BACON BACON BACON
- 2016.06.04 lawliette is cute omfg // i'm sad cause i looked ugly in the bra and made my mom sad too, once she put all her expectatives to make me happy on this // "you can be fat, but have a smaller belly"
- 2016.06.06 i'm crying a lot // i feel like i don't fit in
- 2016.06.08 i have no desire to fit in // petting so many dogs~ it really warms up my heart // I CUT MY FUCKING HAIR AND I LOOK LIKE IDK WHAT I LOOK LIKE I NEED TO CUT IT MOOOOOOOOOORE
- 2016.06.13 jonathan made me watch that awful movie at the theather but bought me candy
- 2016.06.14 i've been feeling a lot prettier lately since i started to do my makeup that way // the erotic dream
- 2016.06.16 life's been pretty damn nice to me // drinking wine (mom was kind to me yesterday and there's some wine left) and reading in underwear (because it's not so cold today and i'm feeling ok with my fat) under the sheets in bed. // decided to put on my witch dress because i needed to get covered just in case someone appeared and i wasn't waiting for it, but oh my, i still feel sexy
- 2016.06.18 finished reading princesa de rua, liked it a lot, but kinda disliked many more parts of it // princesa de rua's author didn't reply my message yet, i sent it yesterday // fernanda quoted: "i want to ask beautiful people what it's like to be beautiful, because i don't know what it's like" and i replied "nah, it's good, but sometimes you forget that you are". you see, self love is overflowing here. // didn't eat like i was possessed today!!!! i was a good girl, jonathan would be proud // i'm so in love with myself that i don't want to weight myself and destroy everything. i'm much more than the number on the scale
- 2016.06.19 best dream ever // writing lots, and so passionately // jonathan ruined my good mood twice in less than 20 hours (mother helped the second time)
- 2016.06.20 yesterday seems so far away rn. good mood is ruined again.
- 2016.06.22 i'm really sick // reading with mom
- 2016.06.24 "mandioca pode comer cachorro?" // dreamed with lawliette calling me on skype, when i accepted the call, there was a really skinny boy, all tattooed, shirtless, on the floor, on top of another shirtless tattooed guy, and they were kissing each other like crazy! and all i could do was watch >:3
- 2016.06.25 crying because of the torture scene on tv and because i cut my finger. lawliette comforted me, but everyone else was thinking i was stupid.
- 2016.06.30 kicked my mom out of the doctors office and she's mad at me // organizing the fucking tumblr likes part 3 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... FINISHED! // soundtrack of the day: GO SUCK A DICK SUCK A DICK SUCK A MOTHERFUCKING DICK SUCK A DICK SUCK A HUGE OR SMALL DICK! + why the fuck you lyiiiiiiiiiiiiing + lullaby by the cure // i need time for myself! alone! without kids, my mother, my siblings or any relative, or soul around (maybe gatita, gatita is fine... laika too, laika is so cool and she doesn't bother anyone even if she eats her own poop) // finished my computer wallpaper and its gorgeous. // realized today that the fever finally broke somewhere behind july (but no one-thirty-five)
- 2016.07.01 jonathan drunk a lot and smelled really bad // jonathan was violent and hurt me physically (not on purpose, but i cried and cursed him) // dra renata keeps saying i put him above me on everything and i'm start to hate this point of view. he's important, and i want his need to be above mine // i fell on clineuro's stair and almost broke my foot, that was ridiculous // a lot of things made this day really great after all. anderson played my favorite coldplay music for me in the car, that guy singing codinome beija-flor with the acoustic guitar on the bus, talking to my sister and stargazing with my nephews.
- 2016.07.02 woke up kinda sad and later than usually. i was supposed to watch a varilux movie at the movie theater today, but i don't have the money for the bus and i kinda don't want to leave the bed. but also, knowing that i won't take a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch that movie (it will be showing again on monday, but jonathan won't want to see it with me) makes me more sad. // danced with allan and it made me better.
- 2016.07.03 i think i won the life lottery today: slept really well at jonathan's place, whe drank a reaaaaaaally good coffee at the shopping center, he bought me TWO BOOKS I REALLY WANTED and raphael (my brother) sent me cute emojis. i also wore flowers in my hair with a new hairstyle and no makeup and thought i was really pretty (jonathan said i was beautiful more than once) // i thought there was something wrong with my computer, but it was just jonathan snoring // jonathan wrote a dedication on my books
- 2016.07.04 we bought portal 1 & 2! // started reading the umbearable lightness of being that jonathan gave me // listening to old brazillian's ditature time songs
- 2016.07.06 fixed my clock! bought notebooks and pens! did things today!! but the days are passing by so fast i can't aaaa it's coming i don't wanna but wanna somebody send help pls
- 2016.07.10 today is the everything is fine but i wish i was dead kind of day. // too much pressure, i don't know what to expect. // and you think somehow you're special for not being special at all. // i'm so stressed, but tomorrow is a brave new day and i'll do my best
- 2016.07.11 first day of school, kinda cool ;) // kinda made a friend // had a really good coffee at delta // didn't have time to finish studying
- 2016.07.12 a kind lady offered me a seat in the bus because i was studying on my way to school
- 2016.07.13 hard day today.
- 2016.07.14 took a nap without extending it to the whole afternoon. // the library guy is the same guy who used to sit behind me last year, he's sweet (btw i borrowed another book just because the library was open)
- 2016.07.17 super meeting with the whatsapp group and it was heeeeeeeeeella fun! (ignored all my responsibilities for a few hours and it felt good)
- 2016.07.18 cut my hair with really short bangs and i think it looks great :)
- 2016.07.19 gave up on my afternoon studying and went to sleep at 6p.m. and i have no regrets
- 2016.07.20 kinda only ate bread & it's derivations today. // talked with the green haired girl in my class today, she's meh. // went to the lan house and came back home crying because i wanted to bring a little dog home. he was freezing with the cold wind and accepted all my caresses. it really broke my heart. i will talk to my mom if i can make him and the other strays houses to protect them against the cold. // i really wanted to go to the movies, but they changed the schedule and now everyone is going to that bar. even jonathan. i won't go to that bar.
- 2016.07.21 the school day was lame and i barely understood leandro's discipline + when i arrived home i had a surprise: i forgot to put my keys in my bag. stood in front of the gate a long time. eugenio (the elder) passed by and tried to help me to jump over the side wall, but alvin barked at him. he left, and i tried some times more, hurt myself a little more, and finally jumped over the wall, to find out the door was locked. i went to my sister's to ask if she had the key. she didn't. then i bursted in tears for long minutes around the house, with laika playing around me. i sat in front of the entrance door, still crying. my sister came and asked several times for me to come to her house, and i said no, then i was so stressed to listen that i said yes. i fell asleep in one of her couches, with my coat over me to warm me up and my scarf on my face blocking the light. when i woke up, she had put a blanket on me and i thought it was very sweet. her husband arrived really late and i didn't have time to do everything i had to do today. // plus, the gay boy is really meh. everyone is meh in my new cycle of "friends" at school // i feel lonely in anticipation of sunday. i wouldn't feel if i knew that jonathan would be working, be he'll be with other people, drinking and listening to loud music at a bar. anyway, i hope he goes. i'll have more time to study // the silence of agreement of everybody when i said i'm not beautiful.
- 2016.07.22 missed jullymar's class
- 2016.07.24 second whatsapp group meeting. karla skipped it. well, she will regret it. and after all, it was better without her >:) // pokémon nas tetas // quero fazer carinho nas suas tetas, mon amour // enxugando essas lágrimas que derramei por causa do ex // is it a dog or an ugly child?
- 2016.07.25 bianca and the other girls are so nice + the new whatsapp group // SUPERNOVA COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (v important) // "não sei, tô no intervalo" // "eu gosto quando passa de manhã descendo a rua, mexendo a bunda pra lá e pra cá"
- 20160726 the girls asked me to sit w them, but i can barely participate the conversations
- 20160727 felt more included in the conversations w the girls today. // that fucking stupid and bitchy girl across the room told us to shut up when i was asking about a math test
- 20160728 my phone didn't charge during the night, now i won't take it to the school. it'll be a strange day. // what kind of coffee house opens at 12pm? coffee houses should be open before 6am // weird smells everywhere // my back hurts so much everyday, the chairs are so uncomfortable.
- 20160729 i wish i had seen jonathan today, i miss him // i need more time with dra renata, i need to complain more about more people and more things! hahaha it's the only thing i do anyway // i think i have talked too muck to that church girl, cause i felt she was kicking me out cause she was tired of my bullshit // FOLLOW THE MAP! ... YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW A MAP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! // i fucking broke my phone's screen and sincerely thought about not going to school because of that
- 20160730 simulado // we're married! // 'i feel like a failure' bitch, please. you are a failure // adriel had convulsions + everyone (me included) is very mad at anderson
- 20160731 ariane's bday thing and i think i gained the weight i lost ;3; i was doing so great // i'm mad at anderson not by the way he neglected adriel's high fever, what leaded to another convulsion, but the way he treats ariane in front of the kids, how everyone treats her that way. the kids will grow up thinking she's worth nothing because she's deaf and not mentally stable. instead of helping her and having patience (oh, patience is a word that doesn't exist in his vocabulary), he screams at her and says she doesn't know how to do anything right. and she cares A LOT about him. she cares more about him than about the kids. i'm also mad about how he likes to leave home 15 min before me with his car and doesn't even message me if i want a ride to the bus station or something. and lastly, but not less important, his sense of humor is the worst and he is very uneducated. // my uncle got out of the place we were without paying. my brother payed for his part. my aunt said my brother was trying to exhibit himself, cause she thinks he was always dishonest. // karla says a lot of shit oh damn, i'm so sick of her side of the family. they're all so close minded and stupid and argh
- 20160801 my phone went to the assistance, they made a stupid deal offer (my broken phone + a lot of $$$ for a new phone of the same fucking model) and now i'm still with my broken phone. if i had the money and knew where the fucking assistance is, i would go there myself change this fucking broken screen. // supernova again, i was more nervous to talk to thomas than to talk to diego. i'm always nervous to talk to attendants. anxiety overflows, but i won't let anybody know. // the light was oscilating and i was angry. // took 2 crowded buses today. i hate strange people touching my body (sometimes i hate people i know really well touching me too)
- 20160802 the new dog at the bus station and how i cried and even being mad at me, jonathan hugged me
- 20160803 luis is cooler than the other librarian // finished reading lavoura arcaica
- 20160804 everything went pretty well but i felt like i was burning inside. my heart missed beats every 3 minutes. soon after, when i was walking away, i wanted to cry so hard, but waited until i got home and instead of crying, i ate icecream until my stomach hurt... i'm stupid, i'm stupid... fábio said something that made me feel better. i won't ask for another meeting. btw she was beautiful. and i guess i didn't say anything wrong this time. // church girls showed today and it was fun. // finished reading poe's book.
- 20160805 "cat urine" (shame on you, jessica, you shouldn't say things like that in front of people) and gatita hissed at me when i got home // cronicle of a death foretold is sooooooo good to read, i'm in love and almost finishing it // why do people think it's so very cool to be depressed and antisocial and shit like that?
- 20160806 recorded myself reading a longer text today (além do ponto) and understood it so deeply cause i've lived it recently (insert lots of crying noises without tears). btw it sounded like shit // replied a question on brainly and the person who asked marked it as the best reply! // posted a video of myself declaiming poetry on instagram and i think the declaiming thing is good but i'm a very ugly person. // productivity? what's that? // xavier, the best attendant. i had to buy a book with him. and i will always ask for him to attend me at livraria cultura. // 5 books in my bag, is there more love in the world? (one that i bought (estranherismo), two that i borrowed at the communitary library (forrest gump & a fernando sabino one), one from bpp that i was reading (chronicle of a death foretold) and one of mine that i brought just in case i finished the bpp one and got bored (the umbearable lightness of being))
- 20160807 still really sad about the meeting // organizing my room and wardrobe. conclusions: i'll give my old textbooks to jonathan & i have 51 books // finished garfield book.
- 20160808 got all dressed for school, ate breakfast and raphael took me to the bus station. and guess what happened? SOMEONE STOLE MY CELL PHONE!! i cried lots and went back home. my mom screamed at me saying it's all my fault. no, it's this rotten universe fault. there's no god in here, only suffering. // raphael said i'm useless (not with these words) // finished reading chronicle of a death foretold and IT'S SO GOOD. made my day better // watched suicide squad with jonathan. liked it at the first moment, but now it's just meh
- 20160811 that day of the year again // my bus broke when i was going to school. a girl was crying // had a really nice coversation with a stranger on the bus back home, she was so smart and talked so well // i'm starting to think that every girl in the group but sarah doesn't like me at all (or even sarah doesn't like me, but she pretends really well she does) // blowing all the dandelions of the yard // the dogs got into a fight and suzi helped me to set them apart. branca is really upset and doesn't want to get out of the dog house. laika got out with a few bites, but she's pretty fine.
- 20160812 zara died and i cried a lot // first day with my new phone, almost didn't touch it. // mom said she can give me even an iphone 6 if i get accepted at ufpr
- 20160813 woke up earlier than usual, and crying, cause i remembered that zara is dead now. // fernanda and raphael took me to have lunch at fernanda's place (we passed by the street market they bought me alfajors <3) and fernanda's mother and grandma loved to see me and fernanda's mother said i looked like a lady. i had such a heartache when she was planting my cherry tree seeding on the pot next to zara's house. she was such a lovely dog, i only saw her a few times, but i'll miss her so much. // they took me to drink some coffee at the shopping after lunch, nothing compared to supernova // when we arrived home fer was crying and i wrote her a letter about my beliefs about death and love, she gave me a warm hug // i'm procrastinating too much but i'm really not in the mood to do anything productive right now
- 20160814 seleção supernova and i'm in love // blindfold // extra punk/goth outfit & makeup and feeling super pretty // crying a lot because of that video + the dead don't come back (i miss my father so much and zara is gone too soon) + life is hard + suffering because i don't want to suffer. // when i was crying a little less, jonathan asked for chocolate, i said that we only had the nutella he brought and asked why, he said it was for me.
- 20160815 diego told us the story of his life
- 20160816 bleached part of my hair and it looks AMAZING
- 20160817 went shopping with mom
- 20160818 ufpr subscriptions start today // tried to draw my next tattoo with eyeliner and it looked so pretty on me // new thursday schedule is terrible, almost an invitation to miss the last 3 classes and go do something else (like i did today) // the dogs of my street come at me just by seeing me in distance, then i say "hi" and they run really faster towards me just to receive caresses
- 20160819 intense conversations about religion with dra renata
- 20160820 i wet rafaela's textbook with coke and i'm so sorry
- 20160821 so boreeeeeeeeeeeed // i've read a casa da infância today
- 20160822 not very productive out of school // went to arte & letra, nice place, nice cake, but now i feel kinda disappointed (maybe because jonathan didn't buy me a book or because the cheapest books there were $15) btw supernova coffee is better // 2:3 and very nice and the best time ever // teacher jg "hitting" me with the textbook // dyed the blonde stripe of my hair grey and it looks awful. jonathan said it's shitty // deep conversations about genetics, gender equality and lgbtq+ community // listing things i hate and things i love about jonathan // gatita is so lovely // cried because of 1) my past conflicts with gender identity that jonathan accidentally brought up today 2) "you'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop" 3) "you broke another mirror turning into something you're not"
- 20160823 talked to my mom about my relationship with jonathan and it's future
- 20160824 tried to talk with jonathan, but he is an idiot // back to writing // headache is killing me
- 20160825 still worried about the future of the relationship. i need to talk to him. // headache is still here // i'm so lazy // started learning japanese alphabets
- 20160826 "booked" an horary with jonathan, cause he never seems to be available to talk // i'm so fucked yay // i spilled coffee on the bed, screamed at my mom, my mom screamed at me and was really stupid, then as i was going to wash the sheets, i cried on the way, begging for some bigger force in the universe to kill me in my sleep tonight cause i can't handle my life anymore. i just want to die. i want the pain to end. i can't handle fights, self hatred, people imposing everything on me. i can't handle being good for people and bad for me anymore. i can't handle never reaching what i want. if i keep on living, i will never know how to change it.
- 20160827 i can't change the world, i'd rather kill myself to keep living on it // crying on my way to the bus station // i'm trying to care, i'm trying to set my priorities, but my priority is to cry and to sleep. // i'll never give anything for beggars again
- 20160828 i'm better today, woke up singing there's a light that never goes out // simulado today // met diego on the street and we went together to supernova + i had a coado for the first time + nice conversations, but diego is a strange person haha + thomas is graduated in letras, and i didn't knew how to talk to him when diego said i was going to try the letras for ufpr graduation + calça de ginástica // jonathan reacted badly when i said i want him to subscribe to ufpr vestibular. we need to talk // super nausea + coughing = i vomited on the yard
- 20160829 decided to stay home, then decided to go to school. missed important classes anyway // "minha fortuna de 3 reais" + "sou muito sexy mds" while trying to reach my wallet on the floor // everytime we do it, we do it better // new NPC's at supernova and how they're cool and nice + no sugar this time! // roque and his green beard. v handsome guy. lame that i probably will never see him again // fighting over a cookie + judgments + more apologizing // that fucking sock + discussions + more and more apologizing // "segunda feira, tem que animar, senão a gente morre" // crying lots over lots of things and jonathan being desperate about it + more apologizing
- 20160830 getting out of the bus to look at the trees in full bloom + missing the first class // someone was cold with me + i sat on the corner = starting to isolate myself again // supernova + diego called me by my name // thinking on the way about rebecca and her family and how they're nice and i miss the past but i don't want to go back to it cause i don't want everyone to recede because of me + decided to not go to the reposition of class + went to give back jonathan's keys and almost cried in the middle of his workplace because of all i was thinking. all his coworkers were curious about it and he was really worried // met a man in the bus and he talked about his daughter, that is a writer. he talked that she is so so so good and so everthing that i got interested. i looked after her work on the internet and saw bad things about + looked at her instagrams & blogs and she only reads YA. not underestimating YA's, but there's more in life than only this genre
- 20160831 skipped class but went to the doc // i'm not okay in so many ways // bought 3 books and 2 shoes, everything very cheap (but my mother complained abou the books prices) // crying on the bus cause life's unfair
- 20160901 cried lots because of teacher jomar, he is too precious, i need to apologize to him for neglecting his classes // made a chart of ufpr redations for me and my classmates and i guess it helped. put it on the fridge. i'm turning this house into a vestibulando home // got almost 60% on the simulado and if i keep the good work i shall pass! // dyed my hair blue
- 20160902 dyed my hair a darker shade of blue // helped the class whatsapp group with the nox chart
- 20160903 i hate how maria loves to talk to me during classes + the things she said about maturity today. i will pretend i swallowed that. but she's a nice person // too busy and still procrastinating aaaaaaaa // cut my bangs (nobody has to know hahaha) // FOUND DRA RENATA ON INSTAGRAM but it's a private account :/
- 20160904 shame on me at supernova pls kill me // jonathan does and says things that hurt me a lot then he says sweet things and everything is okay again and i can't live like this anymore // didn't cry today, but really need sleep // fights over food keep happening everytime i see jonathan and i can not keep up // today was a waste of everything
- 20160905 sleeping till i was late, so i ordered a latte (and a cold tea :D)// fixing things and lots of crying // silently // no studying
- 20160906 i've been sleeping too much // gatita was patient with me // the used bookstore on the way to the public library // buying paper but not having time to do the stuff
- 20160907 i have to stop missing classes
- 20160808 watched english class for the first time this year and i'm so in love with teacher jomar. i want to put him in a jar and put it on a shelf. // did nothing productive at home today and no motivation to do anything anyway, sorry // barely understood a thing in leandro's class today // selfie with gabriel and the girls! (and i looked like a potato but posted it anyway) // luana said "you know, natural selection and evolution are all theories, right?" LIKE THE EXISTENCE OF GOD IS NOT A THEORY
- 20160909 karla came to see me and we went to the other supernova and she liked the coffee // THAT WOMAN AT THE BUS STOP THAT LET THE PLASTIC CUP FALL ON THE FLOOR THEN KICKET IT AND I SAID IT WASN'T RIGHT AND SHE SAID MEAN THINGS TO ME AND I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. she was so gross and so unkind, such a bad person. and that super cute boy that was super cute and took the cup and threw it on the right place and smiled to me. i refused to go on the same bus as that stupid woman and cried at the bus stop. there was a flautist playing on the next bus. made my day kinda better, but not too much. // i cried so much at home, then fell asleep the whole day
- 20160910 missed class and tried to repose on the afternoon but classes are all messed up on the afternoon turn // went to jonathan's house and i discovered i don't have anything to talk to seu marco anymore // karla and i went home together. a guy catcalled us (i was catcalled for the first time in my life, i'm not sure about how to feel) and a hippie (or a punk, as karla called him) asked for money and said my smile made his world better and hugged me, karla said i now have louse because i hugged him // i like how karla and i are close now without fighting like we used to do when we were younger
- 20160911 talking with karla's friend and i felt like i'm so fracassed in life, but he's so cool // my mom is angry at me again // i don't want to go to jonathan's place tomorrow
- 20160912 *hyper ventilating after having an orgasm* "i need... coffee" // people making a movie at supernova lol // bathing together! // radiohead, radiohead everywhere // "what a weird dog" "did you mean a pigeon?"
- 20160913 had to stay closed indoors cause those men were on my yard painting the side of the neighbor house and i couldn't feel the wind a little bit more (it was that wind that happens before a storm, very strong and smells like rain) // i'm feeling so grown up and old somehow. i wandered a lot in the streets of the center of the city before coming home. when i got out of the bus, the wind hit me like a wave and i didn't want to arrive nevermore.
- 20160914 three burgers for each one // sleeping and waking up to eat // *acorda* "jonathan, acorda" *abraça o jonathan e volta a dormir* // drawings // writing a lot // embarassed because of the picture
- 20160915 talking with the tdj girls and i'm thinking about to quit the bible studies cause i hate it. once again, i just like the people
- 20160916 dra renata reacted badly to the things cause i took so long to tell her and i confused everything when i spoke
- 20160917 almost passed out during class
- 20160918 missed class and i have so many regrets // dyed my hair pink with a purple touch, but it got too purple // everyday i feel a different pain in a diffent place of my body // i have school things to do, but i'm a little shit // treating everyone badly and then having to apologize, i'm a failure
- 20160919 forgot my wallet at school but sarah found it, i told my mother and she made a scandal. i'll never tell her anything about my lost things again // wearing the clothes for the party and we looked gourgeous
- 20160920 the gay candidate and my gay scream hahaha // studying at bpp and being a little productive // carol is sympatic, not empathic
- 20160921 i met a neighboor of my street i didn't know yet and she's kinda cool, kinda bad. she said my life is very easy cause i only study and don't work. she has 14 cats. she's very intelligent, said a lot of things about my university choice. she studied letras when she was young. but i thought she thinks i'm too dumb to be an editor // i lost my compromise ring // almost finished qui b textbook i
- 20160923 i was so beautiful today omfg // the gardener said "vamos ser amigas" and complimented me a lot // spending karla's lunch time with her
- 20160924 the party was shitty and i regreted a lot missing class because of that + i cried when her father gave her a ring and they danced because i miss my father so much + "progresso da noite" a.k.a. regresso da noite
- 20160926 talking w/ diego and he's soooooooooooo cool
- 20151001 aula de campo. loved all the philosophy and taking pictures with leandro (elvys takes really bad pictures btw)
- 20151003 it's so great to talk with sarah // nice day with jow + nice sex // jonathan was so happy with his new phone // crying a lot in the end of the day
- 20161004 sarah again
- 20161008 sleepover at karla's and i organized all her wardrobe
- 20161009 my mom told me to kill myself // gatita caught a bird and almost killed it and i don't know what to do
- 20161010 super started // i think i'm so nervous at this point that i'm being rude and incompreensive with everyone
- 20161011 raphael was a jerk
- 20161012 the woman who cleans the house came and she always puts the radio SO FUCKING LOUD AND JUST NEXT TO THE DOOR OF MY ROOM AND I NEED TO STUDY. 11 DAYS TILL THE VESTIBULAR, YOU BITCH. // slept almost all day long after she left and ughhhhhhhhh
- 20161013 talked to a old childhood friend and i hated the feeling // i need to studyyyyyyyyyyyyy
- 20161018 slept away my responsabilities
- 20161019 joked calling elvys garbage, and said it was only a joke, but in fact, i really think he's garbage
- 20161021 dra renata suggested that i did and cute activity during the session today
- 20161022 IT'S TOMORROW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA // made a playlist about tomorrow and i really want to send on the group but nobody cares about me anyway // jonathan is a pool of negativity
- 20161023 I DID IT! AND SCORED 45 (APARENTLY)
- 20161024 started to get worried about the score and the acceptance minimal score because i suppose i scored 45 and the last year minimal to be acepted was 41 and i got super nervous. maybe the minimal score go up, everyone said the test was super ok and i got even more nervous because the easiest it is, the higher the minimal score goes up. // IT'S 46 NOT 45 ANS MY CHANGE GET'S EVEN BIGGER I'M SO HAPPY
- 20161104 i have intestinal infection, third day // bought a gospel cd from a man on a wheelchair on the bus and jonathan got super angry at me because of all his ideologies to not give money to beggars and then i cried because i really felt like the man needed the money and i'm not going to deny the whisper of my heart because of his ideology
- 20161107 didn't pass the first phase. again. one fucking point. better luck next year
- 20161108 still crying about it
- 20161109 KARLA'S BIRTHDAY AND IT WAS SUPER FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN, SO MANY GAY PPL I LOVE IT SADHAUHOAJFJA
- 20161115 back to reading a lot yay
- 20161116 joined gym, again. // slept for 7 hours in a row during the end of the morning/afternoon and then came to see what i have on my google docs. good ideas, mostly.
- 20161122 life has been so good to me that i don't even know // gatita was craaaaaaazy with her plastic bag, i love when she has that much fun // i gave banana cookies to my coach at the gym and she said that i should sell them. i'm really thinking to sell them and other things more. // i bought 1kg of peanut butter for R$15 hahaha i love my life // brushed laika, too much fur // SENT NUDES TO MOM WHYYYYYYYY I'M SO ASHAMED // slept in the afternoon just because i'm a lil' shit, someone teach me how to fix a sleep scheduleeeee
- 20161125 dra renata is kinda proud of me and she noticed i'm happy // that creepy guy uuuugh // scared the hell out of jow cause she thought i was rapted/robbed/raped/killed/sepulted/ressuscited on the third day cause i turned off my phone and he was calling me like crazy
- 20161126 jonathan gets more beautiful to me as the time passes and i'm so in love
- 20161127 what's the matter with karla? why she needs to know if i'm having sex? just to remind herelf that she doesn't have it anymore cause she can't find anyone to do it with her? maybe because she's so desperate to find a boyfriend that she doesn't find any. btw i had sex.
- 20151128 pilates class was tragic
- 20161130 finally losing the weight i gained with my period but i fucking want to eat everything
- 20161202 s-senpai, i love... TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACOS! // v productive day for sure, we had tacos and sex and bought new pants for jow, what else do you want? // didn't go to gym
- 20161205 didn't go to gym
- 20161208 panic attack and didn't go to therapist
- 20161209 two panic attacks for different reasons // supernova again <3
- 20161210 jow was a vampire // slept so long // too many fights lately
- 20161212 hurt my knee at pilates // allan's bday and i was SO FUCKING STRESSED AND ALMOST KILLED SOMEONE I SWEAR: marcele's stupid jokes and behavior, raphael didn't stop playing even to sing happy birthday, karla's behavior, my mom being rude with me, everyone saying and doing stupid things and i was going crazy. i hid some minutes in the bathroom sitting on the floor. i swear, i little more i was going to have a colapse again. // ate so much i'm scared to weight myself
- 20161214 my sister had a blood test to do, so she couldn't go to gym with me, then i didn't go at all. following this thought i should go to jonathan's house, but i didn't ans slept all morning. i was thinking about to go to gym in the morning but then i decided to exercise at home and read some books. // lost a bit of weight (didn't gain anything with the party yay) // woke up my brothr with my fucking loud music // didn't exercise at all cause i was feeling so low and all i wanted was to eat chocolate
- 20161215 missed gym to go to jonathan's // writing and feeling so good, the weather was great too // nicolas is suck A RETARDED FUCKER cause he ruined my day. i need to get the fuck out of that fucking whatsapp group
- 20161216 i'm so numb, i feel like i'm going to pass out. // that espresso at supernova and i died // met nicolas on the bus and i'm really not his kind of people // the day vanished when i arrived home and all my mom did was complain and make me sad, at least i took advantage of this and wrote about it.
- 20161223 cried when i saw the size of my favorite pants and because i can't do anything right. i don't even know why i started crying. // woah, he doesn't give a lot of fuck for what i say // GATITA LOVES ME SO MUCH
- 20161224 slept almost all day at jonathan's house and then got ready so sloooooooooooooowly and no one was fucking home at the building. listened to radiohead and cried and wrote a little about how i felt // we took the bus then we took the uber but the uber wasn't fun at all // WOA THIS CHRISTMAS PARTY REALLY SUCKED, DIDN'T IT? WORST OF ALL, -1000000 POINTS FOR SURE
- 20161225 JONATHAN AND I BOUGHT SO MANY GAMES ON STEAM // watching marco polo yay // playing the stick of truth and the sims 3
- 20161226 slept so much // watched rurouni keishin OMG THE NOSTALGIA FEELS~
- 20161230 my back hurts so much, i have to wear a corset almost all the time. // jonathan and i are getting clooooooooser? (hahaha stupid me, he just pooped in front of me. and this, guys, i call intimacy) // WE ATE FRIED FIIIIIIISH OMG I LOVE FISH
dec 14 2015 ∞
jan 1 2017 +