- LOKI: Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, "Do it... Do it and I'll fucking spank you!"
- BARTLEBY: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be atheist.
- LOKI: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it! I love to keep those guys on their toes.
- LOKI: Last four days on Earth? If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. We can do the next best thing.
- BARTLEBY: What's that?
- LOKI: Let's kill people. ... Oh, not you!
- COWORKER: You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.
- BETHANY: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for 10 minutes in his entire life span.
- COWORKER: That sounds a little bit militant, are you thinking of joining the other side?
- BETHANY: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
- COWORKER: Well then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
- BETHANY: I think God is dead.
- COWORKER: The sign of a true Catholic.
- BETHANY: Who are you?
- METATRON: I'm Pissed Off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody thast comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single!
- WEAPON STORE CLERK: We call this piece "The Fecalator." One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
- BARTLEBY: And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?
- LOKI: No married man kisses his wife like that.
- BARTLEBY: Okay. Well, it's a good thing you were never the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying. "No married man kisses his wife like that"? Are you stoned?
- RUFUS: Hey, what I just did just gave me a FUCKING migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yak ya sack off like a paper towel.
- RUFUS: Y'know, death is a worry of the living. The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
- RUFUS: It's in Aramaic. It says, "See you in two years -Jesus". Freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up. Took all the flavor out of the remaining years.
- RUFUS: ... Now let's start walkin'.
- JAY: Walk? Fuck you, man, do you even know how far we are from anywhere?
- RUFUS: Hey, man. Back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere! Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? Mm-mm!
- JAY: ... The hell's an apostle?
- BETHANY: You were martyred?
- RUFUS: Well, that's one way of puttin' it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big fuckin' rocks.
- JAY: Yo, man, tell me something about me.
- RUFUS: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
- JAY: Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
- RUFUS: When you do it, you're thinking about GUYS!
- SILENT BOB: [has a look of disbelief]
- JAY: Dude, not all the time...
- LOKI: You've done nothing wrong. These guys were fakes. You're a pure soul. But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed–!
- BARTLEBY: LOKI!
- LOKI: You're getting off light.
- METATRON: This... is who you are.
- BETHANY: Everything I am has been a lie?
- METATRON: No, no, no. Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. You are Bethany Sloane. No one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a redefinition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.
- BETHANY: Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.
- METATRON: To say the least.
apr 30 2021 ∞
may 21 2021 +
may 21 2021 +