• to have a range of different experiences and cool adventures, big and small
• to chase joy, love, and connection in the face of the world's naked brutality
• to live with autonomy and dignity
• to seek understanding and lucidity
• to achieve competence in my passions while continually learning more
• to be a badass bitch brimming over w the fire of life or at least a highly lovable asshole lmao

• create a work combining dance, aerial silks, poetry, & performance art
• try aerial spiral
• try being a flyer in acro
• perform in a drag show
• try martial arts
  • kickboxing / aikido / krav maga
• learn visual arts
  • drawing / painting / digital art / graphic design
• learn to sing
• learn to swim
• learn to shoot a gun
• learn enough spanish to get around in a spanish-speaking environment
• trip
  • lsd / ketamine / mdma
• jump out of a cake

• misanthropic
• cynical
• petty
• hotheaded
• cranky
• take shit way 2 personally
• will hold a grudge
• 2 in love w the idea of revenge
• sore loser
• hate admitting i'm wrong
• self-absorbed
• jealous
• vulgar
• fine w being bad
• existence creates extremely low positive impact n mostly just takes up space
• lettin satan live rent free in my brain n bones

styles i've tried at least 1 class in over ~12 yrs of dancing

bold denotes greater familiarity / intermediate or higher proficiency

• A: aerial, argentine tango
• B: ballet , blues, bachata, balboa, butoh
• C: contemporary , cha-cha (lead + follow), collegiate shag
• D: drag
• E: east coast swing (lead + follow), ecstatic
• F: femme, foxtrot
• G:
• H: hip-hop , hustle, heels, house
• I: improvisation, irish
• J: jazz , jive
• K:
• L: lindy hop, locking
• M: modern , musical theatre
• N: nightclub 2-step
• O:

US

• Las Vegas
  • Meow Wolf Omega Mart
  • 2+ Cirque du Soleil shows
• NYC pt 2
  • Brooklyn
    • House of Yes
  • Manhattan
    • Chinatown
    • Color Factory
    • High Line
    • Sleep No More
    • Soho
    • Whitney Museum
• San Francisco
  • Golden Gate Park & Botanical Garden

• adopted a cat
• came out
• dabbled in
  • aerial arts
  • archery
  • carnivorous plant caretaking
  • dance
  • languages
    • french
    • spanish
    • chinese
    • icelandic
    • asl
  • making asmr videos
  • photography
  • rock climbing
  • slam poetry
  • slime making
  • ukulele

• Abluvion
  • Substance or things that are washed away
• Abyssal
• Accismus
  • The feigning of disinterest in something while actually desiring it
• Adamantine
• Airling
  • A person who is both young and thoughtless
• Alembic
  • A vessel with a beaked cap or head, formerly used in distilling
  • Anything that transforms, purifies, or refines
• Alexithymia

• back teeth are floating
  • "to have a strong urge to urinate"
• cruisin for a bruisin
  • "following a course of action likely to result in injury or other trouble for oneself"
• gaping asshole
  • "an exceptionally mean or contemptible person"
• go pound sand (down a rathole)
  • "expression of disdain similar to 'get lost,' but ruder - not only do you want them to go away, you want them to do something stupid and pointless, implying they don't have enough sense to do anything worthwhile"
• have someone by the short and curlies

• alizarin
  • from Arabic "asara," "to press fruit"
• assassin
  • from Arabic "hashashishiyyin," "hashish eaters"
• bastard
  • from Latin "bastum," "packsaddle"; compare with Old French "fils de bast," i.e. the son of mule driver who uses a packsaddle for a pillow and is gone by morning
• calculus
  • from Latin "calculus," "small pebble (as used on an abacus)"
• canvas
  • from Latin "cannabis," "hemp"
• feisty

• "Pretty much all the witches burnt in Iceland during the great witch-hunts of the 16th and 17th centuries were men – by a margin of several hundred to, I believe, two. Apparently witch-hunters who trained on the Continent got very confused when they arrived in Iceland." x
• "Witches from Iceland had farting runes (Fretrúnir) that they used against their enemies." x
• "The Holmavik Museum of Sorcery and Witchcraft in Iceland contains a gruesome exhibit called the necropants. Let us just cut to the chase – these are pants made from the skin of the lower half of a dead person. When worn, these pants would produce money as long as a magic rune and a coin stolen from a poor widow were placed in the scrotum. x
• "The Icelandic Phallological Museum houses the world's largest display of penises ...x

• ævintýr
• beinagrind
• bræðra
• dauðþreytt
• draumsóley
• ellefu
• eyra
• fagurfífill
• frelsishetja
• jörðin
• kókoshnetur
• læða
• nýra
• þyðir
• sælir
• sautján
• sjúkrabíll
• viðskiptafræði
• yfirfall
• yndislegt

• adelante
• aire
• arcoíris
• basura
• cabrón
• chispa
• crujiente
• demasiado
• desayunar
• fulano
• juicio
• peligro

• anéantir
• califourchon
• cauchemardesque
• champêtre
• croisade
• désarroi
• désespoir
• écorce
• épluchure
• épouvantable
• espiègle
• étincelle
• étiquetage
• fane
• flétrir
• gadoue
• haleine
• lisse
• merveille
• mignardise
• noircir

• 脆 cuì "crisp, brittle, fragile"
• 训 xùn "reprimand"
• 麻雀 má què "sparrow"
• 须 xū "beard, feeler, antenna"
• 标致 biāo zhì "beautiful"
• 梦 mèng "dream"
• 叠 dié "fold"
• 毛 máo "hair"
• 飞 fēi "fly"
• 月 yuè "moon, month"

• Cockayne (English) "idle dreamer"
• De La Vergne (French) "of the speckled alder"
• Esposito (Italian) "exposed"
• Foy
  • French: "faith"
  • Irish: var. of Fee, Fiach "raven"
• Kilgore (Scottish): "goat wood"
• Loudermilk (German) "pure milk"
• Maitland (Scottish / English) "possibly a nickname for an ungracious individual"
• Occhipinti (Italian) "painted eyes"
• Persichetti (Italian) "little peach tree"
• Rescorla (Cornish) "valley of the burying place," "valley of the sheepfold"
• Supinka (??) "little fish scales"
• Teague
  • Cornish / Welsh: descriptive nickname for...

• cats
• snails
• goats
• jellyfish
• crows
• alpacas
• narwhals
• bunnies
• chevrotains
• dik-diks

• ink from a fountain pen
• orange blossoms
• rain
• lavender
• lemon
• tea tree oil
• gardenias
• certain roses
• my pillow & sheets
• pancakes and bacon in the morning

• Adair
• Adele / Adie
• Adrian
• Amelia
• Anais
• Aoi
• Araceli
• Ariane
• Ariel
• Arthur
• Audrey
• Augustine
• Aurelia / Aurelien
• Camden
• Carina
• Carlyle
• Cecily
• Celeste
• Claudia
• Constantine
• Coralie / Cora / Corisande

• celery
• chlamydia
• hegemony
• lissencephaly
• melanoma
• rosacea
• sirenomelia
• slave
• syphilis

• adiabatic
• asphalt
• aspic
• braggadocio
• coalesce
• cooter
• crevice
• ergonomic
• influencer
• infotainment
• jubblies
• khaki
• maven
• nugget
• patty
• pupa
• pussy
• quincunx
• skrunkly
• spume
• stagflation

• Amelie
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• The Imitation Game
• Her
• The Grand Budapest Hotel
• Moonrise Kingdom
• Beasts of the Southern Wild
• Lost In Translation
• Everything Is Illuminated
• The Tree of Life
• Big Fish
• Wish I Was Here
• Pan's Labyrinth
• Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
• Spirit of the Beehive
• Frances Ha
• Call For Dreams
• Portrait of a Lady on Fire
• Booksmart
• Thor: Ragnarok

Anime

31 | az | writer | dancer | tryer of things | cynical idealist | chinese-american | nonbinary (they/them) | pan(grey-a)sexual | pmdd kween | childfree cat parent | secular | flexitarian | scorpiOOF

• d a m a g e d
  • emotionally broken
  • morally compromised
  • frail / injured / ill / medfet
  • helplessness & vulnerability
• androgyny / feminine boys & masculine girls
  • femmes w pixie cuts
  • femmes w low voices
  • femmes skilled in physical combat
  • masc ppl who r sensitive & idealistic
  • younger man sub x slightly older woman dom
• any gender
  • delicate features
  • dark hair (esp w pale skin)
  • swooshy hair
  • faint freckles

• 1998?: jester
• 2000: snow white
• 2004?: barbie princess
• 2009: hipster photographer
• 2010: van gogh's starry night
• 2011: tetris
• 2012: woman in a binder
• 2013: lumpy space princess
• 2016: lapis lazuli / knives chau
• 2017: lung alveoli
• 2018: sexy dumpster fire
• 2019: black hole picture
• 2020: cozy the riveter
• 2021: kiki's de-liver-y service
• 2022: boo-tea call
• 2023: cat toy (w/ cat as himself)
• 2024: great pacific garbage patch

(all of this hurt so much to learn)

• the biggest determiners of your mood are: how many pleasant social interactions you have, and how competently you perform tasks
• don't put anyone on a pedestal. don't idealize anyone, because they will disappoint you eventually, and the resulting hurt, anger, and alienation will ruin your relationship with them and ensure that you end up cynical and alone.
• stop feeling threatened by other people's talents. instead of comparing yourself to others, try to purposefully surround yourself with people whom you consider better. study them, absorb their habits, and better yourself in the process. if you are the least competent person or the biggest asshole in the room, that's good in a way, because you're the one with the most opportunities to learn and grow.

• I think that care and empathy are good.
• I will never be made to feel bad for caring.
• We cannot realistically care about/help every single person, but everyone can care about/help someone. And virtually all of us can extend our circle of caring without detriment to our self-care. The object is not to care for everyone; the object is to care more, and to translate our caring into concrete action as often as we can.
• Empathy for someone doesn't necessarily mean condoning their actions. E.g. "I empathize with their anger and pain; I don't agree with their decision to take it out on others."
• It's debatable whether we can control our thoughts and emotions; however, (with some reasonable exceptions) we can control our actions.

• abandoned playground
• berserk button
• beware the nice ones
• bifauxnen
• buffy speak
• cloudcuckoolander
• dandere
• ditzy genius
• narrative filigree
• nervous wreck
• shrinking violet

• nearly all snails are hermaphrodites
• because of this fact, snails can self-fertilize (!!)
• "some snails simultaneously swap sperm, while others will be male or female at a particular mating and then reverse their roles next time" (!!)
• some snails shoot calcium "love darts" into the other's body during the mating process; "it is thought that the dart transmits a slime containing pheremones that may improve the safe storage of the partner's sperm"
• some species make a new dart each time; others reuse them; some keep only one dart at a time; others have 2 or more in a "pouch"
• snails can keep their partner's sperm viable in them for months or years
• baby snails are born with their shells on, but the shells are soft

CURRENT

• my cat dying
• harming my cat somehow
• getting dementia
• irretrievably forgetting good memories
• never having achieved "enough" in my life
• the relentless fuckin march of time lol
• not being in control of my body
• people i love dying
• not being able to defend myself

SALIENT AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER

abstract

• existential
  • always returning to a default state of unhappiness w my life and self
  • never finding a meaningful career that can keep me genuinely happy over a long period of time

• "A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." - Thomas Mann
• "Truth must necessarily be stranger than fiction, for fiction is the creation of the human mind and therefore congenial to it." - G. K. Chesterton
• "The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy
• "I think our best ideas are the ones that barely feel like they’re ours." - @somelightcrying
• "Poetry is a dissociating and anarchic force which through analogy, associations and imagery, thrives on the destruction of known relationships." - Antonin Artaud
• "The way I write I don’t see much distinction between [prose and poetry], although prose seems more suited to daylight, and poetry to night." - Nick Flynn

• "Ces temps sont durs pour les rêveurs." - Amélie
• "And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche
• "Your heart felt good / It was drippin' pitch and made of wood." - Modest Mouse
• "Beauty will be convulsive or will not be at all." - Andre Breton
• "Float on, baby" - Modest Mouse
• "I would close my eyes to daydream... But those silent companions who watch over me from the insides of my eyelids are too brilliant for me to meet face to face." - James Wright
• "When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to ...