February 13th-14th, 2011

I never want to forget this night. I am thinking and feeling so much, so I just want to get it all out. Right here, right now.

• I tripped on mushrooms yesterday and discovered an emptiness in myself that I started to explore when I did acid. While that part of my trip was, well, really fucking upsetting, I don't regret the experience at all. I saw so much beauty, I felt so much beauty. It gave me an opportunity to recognize and explore a tough aspect of myself, and I think it's necessary to really consider that. It's going to help me heal.
• I had a healing conversation with my group of friends earlier this evening that helped heal a lot of hurting. It also cleared up some complicated issues and brought all of us some amount of peace. At the same time, there were definitely unsettled issues and frustrations that may or may not be addressed later.
• After that conversation, I felt...not the best. I went with Sam to study but did a lot of thinking instead and fell into an awful funk. I regressed to a feeling that I have not felt in a long time. The level of unrest was upsetting and I felt so disappointed with everything. Everything.
• Came home, and Alayna gave me an amphetamine.
• Cleaned my room, which was ridiculously necessary.
• Had a really satisfying conversation with Alayna and Aidan. We were all on amphetamines and talking always feels great when on them. We all got some peace from each others words. I got a newfound hope for the future and my awful feelings from earlier were gone.
• Aidan left to clean his room and be active because he was in that part of his, uhhhh...I guess I'll call it trip.
• Me and Alayna continued to talk because I was in my talkative part of the trip.
• We started out talking about things we were happy and satisfied with at the moment. We realized that there are many, many things in our lives right now that we are overwhelmingly happy about. I realized how happy I am to be at Evergreen. I realized how happy I am to be friends with the people I am friends with. The biggest realization was that I have changed so much here. I have improved and developed as a person. I have learned a ton about myself. I have learned so much about communicating, as a result of Evergreen's programs. Seminar has helped me develop my communication skills so much. My program has taught me so much already and I am so satisfied with how I am progressing and becoming more aware of how my actions and words affect people. My friends have all been really important in how I have learned to express myself and my needs. I have learned a lot about my needs and the needs of others and how my actions affect other people. I have even made active changes in how I think, act, and work. My process of dealing with things has developed SO MUCH. The FreeSkool has affected the way I think about learning and skills and being an active participant in the community, in society, and, just how to cause change and evoke thought. I am incredibly thankful for all I have experienced here. I am incredibly amazed by all I have experienced here.
• It was incredible to realize that I can feel such polar emotions within a couple of hours of each other.
• Alayna and I went to see what Aidan was up to and we decided to do homework and art in his room.
• The most important conversation of my life began with Alayna talking about her dad's battle with cancer and his death. She expressed herself and we supported her in a way she has never been supported before. We talked about cancer and death and how shitty everything can be. We all connected. We started talking about therapists and our problems and the shit that has reallllly affected who we are. Aidan and Alayna each talked about their experiences with therapists and some of the shit they have been through.
• I hadn't really spoken. There was so much I could say. For the first time in my life, I said it. All of it. I explained all of it. I let myself cry and drip snot all over my fucking face.
• For the first time in my life I was so fucking honest. I was honest about the fact that I still have fucked up shit. For the first time ever I shared this with these two beautiful beings. I was amazed that I was brave enough and capable enough to communicate and fully express my feelings. For the first time, I was told that I am okay and not totally fucked up and that others can totally identify with my feelings. I was fucking amazed by how much I could connect with these two people. I was amazed that they understood and said the most perfect things. They were so supportive and helpful. They made me feel okay. They made me feel happy. We all connected on the deepest level ever.
• I never knew people could be that great. I never knew I could express myself and feel so much better. I never knew that I could feel so whole!
• The significance of the conversation hit us then. The realization that we could talk about all of these things and feel better about them was mind blowing. We each felt significantly better and more hopeful. We felt overwhelmingly thankful for each other, and this place and the people that brought us to this point. I felt so much love.
• I feel significantly different. I feel better. I feel open and honest. I feel like I have a support system. I feel okay about being depressed sometimes and I know how great things can be now.
• After the shock of how great we felt sunk in we thought about what would have happened had we not had the conversation. We realized we might not have ever sorted any of those issues out. It was mind blowing to think that we might have just happened to not have that conversation. We might not have gone to Aidan's room, we might now have started talking about what we started talking about. I might never have talked about the heavy shit. I could have gone my entire life suppressing those feelings.
• I also realized that we would never had had that conversation if we hadn't taken the amphetamines. This experience reaffirmed my belief in drugs and their ability to help people connect and help me sort things out. They gave us the urge to talk and without that push, I don't think I would have been able to speak my mind. It is so hard for me that it is remarkable that I did. I am proud of myself. I am proud of my friends.
• It all felt so right, just perfect. The coincidental conversation felt too coincidental.
• Despite the fact that I have never believed in anything, I began to wonder if that conversation was not an accident. I might just believe in something now. It's a lot to think about, so I haven't quite made up my mind about it yet, but to think that I might believe in something is mind blowing. Life altering.
• The fact that this night has made me reconsider my beliefs is, just, WHOAH. HOLY FUCKING FUCK.
• We decided not to tell Alexa or Sam for now. We worried that telling them might devalue the experience, and we also decided that we still had lots to consider. We feel like there is still a lot to think about and figure out about what happened. We also agreed that if we ever tell anyone that we never let them convince us the experience was less significant and life changing as it was. The experience will always be incredibly valuable to us.
• I am amazed and thankful and I know I will think about what just happened for many months and many years.
• This is a beginning.
• This is the turning point.
• I feel a new love for those two people. I feel a new love for myself.
• I feel far more okay, far more complete, far more whole than I have ever felt.
• The conversation was, by far, the most helpful thing I have ever experienced.