wow. 21 years. to be honest, i never thought id make it this long.

[edit: please know that i did not write this with the intention to garner any sympathy. this is purely a means to let myself heal and start to accept myself as i am. ]

throwback to elementary school, 4th grade kune had trouble loving themself. they transferred schools and it was hard. kune tried hard to make friends but always felt out of place. no matter how hard they tried, nothing ever changed. 4th grade kune had a breakdown in class. they never wanted to go back. but made themself bleed in class just so that the teacher would let them leave and be alone. but the teacher had someone go with them to the bathroom. that person was named vanessa. vanessa let them know that it was okay to be sad and cry. vanessa stayed with kune for hours while kune cried in the bathroom. that was the last time kune cried in front of someone, for a long time. 4th grade kune knew they were always sad, but thought it would pass.

throwback to 7th grade kune, they had trouble loving themself. They also felt incompetent in everything they did. they became uninterested in everything because they thought they sucked at everything and that there was no point to anything. kune tried to immerse themself in school, but never did homework because it was hard to focus. kune failed math for the first time and felt like an idiot. they didnt know why they were like that. they had no reason to be sad, but they were. 7th grade kune knew they were sad, but truly didnt know how deep it was.

throwback to 9th grade kune. kune had friends, but always kept their distance. kune hurt someone dear to them. they never talked to them ever again. from then on, kune never wanted to be close to people anymore. all that meant was hurting them bc kune could not understand why they felt sad or upset. they couldn’t explain it. they didnt know how to tell people that they we depressed and that they needed time. 9th grade kune just pushed people away because it was easy.

throwback to 10th grade kune. kune felt like the entire world was on their shoulders; and singlehandedly felt like they made it all fall apart. kune had a lot of people dependent on them, and did not want to let them down. 10th grade kune felt like they let them all down.

throwback to 11th grade kune. kune hated everything. nothing sparked their interest anymore. everything was just dark and black. on june 13, 2013, kune tried to kill themself. kune told no one. but on june 14, 2013, they woke up. they didnt feel relief. they knew the sadness was deep and would never fade.

throwback to 12th grade kune, and they tried being happy. they threw all lingering thoughts aside. ignoring those thoughts was easier than dealing with them. for once, kune felt at peace with themself. high school was ending, and they felt like a new start would erase all of the ill feelings. they surrounded themself with a fake sense of security and compassion from people who really didnt care. but it was fine, because at least it felt good, even if it were fake.

throwback to first year of college kune, and the thoughts kept coming back. kune didnt talk to their roommates because they felt like they bothered them. they didnt know how to reach out to people because they couldnt explain why they were sad. they just... were. kune pushed people away again. people didnt understand and kune was tired of bothering people to make them understand. kune used to walk to the top of the parking garages and the library and thought, “what would it be like if i jumped?” a lot. almost every day.

throwback to second year of college kune, nothing seemed better. kune took a semester off. kune was tired and sad, and couldnt mentally handle college anymore. kune told people if was because of money, which was half true, but felt a sort of relief after knowing they didnt have the obligations of school for the first time in their life. that semester, they picked up a job back home. and life was as dreary as ever. it felt like nothing ever changed. so, kune went back to school the next semester. but kune commuted 4 hours every day. those train rides alone made kune feel more empty, but gave them a lot of time to think.

[edit: why am i alive? i ask myself that a lot. i couldve... shoudlve died many times. yet, here i am. my first thought is “im blessed.” for someone who doesnt want to live, is given so many chances at life. or is it a curse, where i live to just not be able to fully enjoy things.

throughout all of these years, theres something i cant deny. there are people who love me. and that in itself is something i still have trouble grasping. how can people love somebody who can’t love themself. i suppose its just one of those things where you have to step outside of yourselfto realize. the amount of impact you have on people; just like the amount of impact others have on you.]

so here i am. half way through my “third” year of college. 21 years old. and where am i now? i’d be lying if i said i felt truly at peace or even happy. because what does it mean to actually be happy? one day i’ll feel completely fine and motivated, and then other days ill just lay in bed and cry all day. i cant tell people why im sad, i just... am. but something has changed. ive learned that, this entire time im not alone. despite how i feel or what my mind tells me, im not alone. there are people who have become precious to me. and even if i live unhappily, i want to make them happy. and i know thats still far from being happy myself, loving myself or forgiving myself, me, who is 21 years old, who didnt even think that theyd live for this long, its a start. so i dont know what will happen this 21st year, or if ill live to see 22, but i just want to say thank you to all of the people in my life who’ve given me a slim reason to stay.

and in the future, if i ever disappoint you, im sorry.