• you can keep the words from sounding all you want but they're written on your teeth with the syllables crushed in the gaps. with each exhalation is a release, a crushed letter landing square on the middle of your bottom lip and each cough is a jumbled arrangement of the alphabet and all the things i never wanted to hear.
• i've been waiting for that day when i could sit beside you with lines aggravated and red dragged upon the milk white of your arms and the expanse of your back and say, "i love you. is that okay?" i just want to see you writhe in contempt, i want to see that look of disgust on your face.
  • we used to be so, so golden. our hearts were stopped and our breaths were held, anticipating death with fingers intertwined. the moment you revealed that your heart was wrapped in gold of imitation you disappeared and never looked back
    • i've been rotting here all alone and so have you.
• all of everything, erased
• when you die i'll be the one to touch your eyelids closed and pretend that i'm leaving you to dream sweet things
• i'm a woman you're a machine
• i want to be always blooming too, but there's that touch of death with me sinking down in my heart that makes my petals brown and my stem wilt
• i don't know how to go about this you know not caring thing
  • stop me if you've heard this one before
• sweet and the color of milk, that's how i'll always remember you
• i love you endlessly, in perpetuum, in toto.
  • brushing up on some latin so i can express how much i treasure you in different tongues with something more eloquent than what you're used to
    • omnia vincit amor
• i'll be the one darkening the period at the end of our sentence. the end of an era.
  • a three time promise to myself, goodbye goodbye goodbye
• how am i not myself?
• i haven't smiled to the point where it looks like a wink since january 21st, 2011
• take my eyes out, put my heart in a jar, light my brain on fire, curl my fingers into themselves, sew my mouth close and put me to bed.
  • (otherwise i'll be laying in bed with the morning sun on my face picturing everyone i know dead)
• looking at me with gleaming bloodshot eyes and cheshire cat grins
• all the places i used to invest my emotions and my faith and my care are all becoming lost, eroded with tides of "i've never loved you"s and "how could you ever mean anything to me"s. i just want to put all these things in safe places where they'd make pretty sounds in the wind but be secured and rooted in the foundations of something beautiful and astounding but every person i've given these to abandon me like a curse set on my lips.
  • as much as i would have liked to, i haven't given up on you. i doubt i ever could. you were my sunshine for a while, and that's enough. you've tamed me.
• it's like digging up a time capsule, you know? looking at things in awe of the person you used to be, shed like snake skin in long, tired coils to bloom into an entirely different kind of flower. it's living victorious, exhausted, accomplished and blissful only to look down at your side to see you're bleeding and this is just another thing to split open and fuck the wound
  • i could always see you as a florist, you know, the way you always seemed to bloom at the sake of making another wilt
    • i thought this was an end of an era but really it was only a slight adjustment in the tried and true manner of things
      • progression
• blood in my mouth, not from biting my tongue, but from all the true things and honest things i've always realized and never said breaking free from the worst person in the world, me
• i'm going to start surfing so i can feel the waves at my side and the alarming danger of me drowning, you know, like the way i've always wanted to die
• sometimes i write to a person whose face i've touched but whose heart i've never come close
  • and vice versa
    • maybe i write to everybody
      • maybe i write to nobody
        • or maybe i should just stop, i should stop i think because my head is no longer connected to this body, i am no longer of whatever world this is becoming, i just want to transcend the very being of this, i just want to be a vessel of nothing, a pioneer of desolation, the poster child of emptiness seeping into your skin and darkening your soul
          • the pure at heart know what i mean
• i find it silly that, one day, passion will color my cheeks and redden my lips so violently that the rest of my skin pales in comparison and then next day i'm fragile, blue, and lifeless with the inability to even lift my wrist or tell you not to go. human emotion never surprises me in how fleeting it remains to be.
• i can't hide in bed forever, though i'd like to
• it's your summer disease again and my head is foggy and i can't speak. you make me sick but i still keep you here, i still want to lace my fingers into the notches of your spine.
• on days that i miss you i eat lots and lots of sweets
  • i just want to swallow you whole
    • you are just the sweetest thing and it hurts me
• i woke up today with a sort of special sadness placed gift wrapped onto my heart. it was heavier than most, and with each blink it sunk deeper down until it filled my blood with something cold and mean and the world began to spin
  • i'm paralyzed even at the thought of experiencing it once more
• your eyes are the color of ice with the depth of a small sea and my fingers could get lost in the waves of your golden hair. you don't think anyone notices the nearly brown curls beneath the surface, but i do, i do.
  • your skin gets funny and pink sometimes and i think that's why i like you, you're pink like something unaware and innocent, a baby's cheeks, a dress a little girl would wear, spring's first flower, a soft bruise that barely hurts, that kind of pink, not the pink of diluted blood or tongues twisting together or teenage acne
• i want to share that kind of laughter that mingles together with you, the one so filled with happiness that one can only realize their deepest sadness; so much so that we begin to cry, from happiness first then sadness then madness, but all that matters is that we can be happy together
  • our tears drip from our faces and pool together and our choked breaths bow to one another and disappear in each other's company, two of a kind, meant to be
• i don't remember the last time my knees were without a bruise. i want to create a watercolor scale of my bruises based on their color and how much they hurt
• lately my head has been throbbing and i always feel like i have to puke and i no longer have control of my tears. believe me when i say it's nice to have you back, i believe in your magic, don't worry.
• "it's not what it seems in the land of dreams
  • just close your eyes and go to sleep"
• if love could do anything besides move planets and inspire the creation of beautiful things i'd want mine to shelter you and keep you warm at night and be there in the morning, to be something that makes you want to move your eyelashes up and down each second of the day
• if i burrow my head deep enough to my pillow i can hear my head pound or my pulse, i don't know, but if you do it too maybe it'll work like tin can telephones and if the world is spinning just right and the connection is good enough, no static, we can listen to each other's heart beats, marveling at the fact that, after all of this, we're still alive
• only your hands can graze all these blisters and not have my eyes well up with tears. i can feel the love in your hands, the good intentions in your nail beds, the innocence in the lines along your fingers.
• i wonder if you remember what my voice sounds like, i recall dropping bits of it beneath the door to give you comfort. i hope you've been good to it, keeping it like a three time promise
• it's like the whole world knows that i miss you, everywhere i go songs that remind me of you wrap me up and turn me to honey

♫ "i want to sing to you, my love. my only love and happiness. don't be so blue, so blue my love. this too shall pass, this too shall pass..." ♫

• you and me one day http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpD4FNuUeDs
• washing my hair with strawberry scented shampoo so when your kisses linger upon my forehead or you rest your cheek on the crown of my head before bed you'll have nothing but sweet dreams.
  • i wouldn't be upset if you wanted to eat me alive
• haunting corridors and singing la vie en rose and thinking of you
  • i wonder if we'd grow old together or die young, intertwined in the cement
    • everything comes back to the wet cement beneath my feet
• i'm going to disneyland today i'll hear your whispers between the crackle of fireworks and see your magic in the stars projected and twinkling in space mountain
  • i'll probably buy an ice cream just for you, i'll eat mickey mouse's ears and see how long it will take to melt so i know how to manage my time
• sometimes i think if you'd kiss me we wouldn't be able to exist anymore, you know what i mean?
• the sound of someone's skateboard against the sidewalk makes me so happy, i don't know why. maybe my heart feels like you're racing to see me.
• lost in the caricatured letters and colors you create. you're always in a spray paint haze. i touch the wall and it's still wet, the tips of my fingers are pink, like you, but my palms become red
• i was walking today and a little bird (it looked like this: http://i56.tinypic.com/10fb9dw.jpg ) walked with me. it was the first time in a while that i didn't feel very lonely
• my hair is red again, my bathtub looked like it was filled with blood
• i never knew this until now but tears really do make sound
• loving someone can be so difficult, more difficult than trigonometry and understanding why everything i desire currently is only a result of what i don't have and if i attain it, i no longer seek it
• eating ice cream on such a cold day, you know who i'm thinking of
• my ankles are always cracking, i feel like i'm about to break
• http://i54.tinypic.com/2hrl7k8.jpg i only show the people i love my ears. the people i love are the only people that read this.
  • funny, it almost looks like the moon's at my back

W ha t am i do in g wi th my sel f

• there's a purple strawberry on my knee
• listening to 'i want to hold your hand' by the beatles and realizing that holding someone's hand could never be enough. i want all of you, though i adore your hands, your slender, beat up fingers that curl around a pen like instinct
• we don't necessarily belong together, we're just two bodies, but we're two bodies that melt seamlessly all the same
• i've gotten so sick, sick with a cough, sick with a bruised heart, sick with adoration, maybe it is the rapture
  • i want to be saved more than anything, shut my eyes with confidence that the world will drop dead
  • in the meantime though, i feel like i'm going to cough up my lungs so i should wear something pretty
• http://i51.tinypic.com/wklpgl.jpg i'm disappearing
• whenever i want to die i take a bath
  • i've been hanging around my bathtub all weekend
  • i'd love to take a bubble bath with you
• i'd kiss your eyelids as you're sleeping, but you're never fully there. fuck, you're not there at all, you're a fabricated dream that feels sweet and spills out of my eyes when i cry to kiss my cheeks and upon my knees, pooling on my bruisy spaces like you were born there
• i can see the traces of sunset on your cheeks, i bet the inside of your mouth is the moon and tides, your tonsils the moon, your tongue the tide, you teeth the shore and when you open your mouth it's like you spill out stars
• one day soon i think i'll find someone who will pick me up and put me to bed not too long after i pass out in front of a tv screen
  • maybe
• when i was young i thought when my limbs tingled it was because a ghost had laid its head there and kept me company when i slept
  • ghost movements always turn to reality, you know
• sometimes i wish i had flowers for hair and baby worlds for eyes, the ocean water my blood and my breath always smelling sweetly of tangerines
• we can bathe in milk, it always makes me so pure. i'm melting here and you're disappearing but you always offer a sense of solidity
• after looking at all these innocent things, i no longer feel the need to destroy them. it's like growing up in reverse, because everyone i know is a destroyer of worlds and they only seem to be getting older
• my friend showed me a video of her swimming with dolphins. all i could think about was how beautiful the water looked and how lucky the dolphins were to occupy it all the time. of course i've always wanted to be a happy animal--happy elephants, hiding gleefully beneath the covers, mistakenly assured that we are hidden but really these flimsy covers only take over our eyes, our sight, and only that--almost as much as i'd like to be within the sea until it drowns me
• today the california coast isn't golden, the shores are soggy with rain and i swore i hear someone whispering to me, dragging their claws against my skin, into my brain, but it was just the neighbor's palm trees brushing idly against the wall outside
• breakfast http://i56.tinypic.com/4s1738.jpg
  • and the last bite for you http://i55.tinypic.com/o76o47.jpg
• sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick sick sick sick sick so fucking sick sick
  • who do i trust now?
• how many times do i say "i'm going to kill myself" in one day? i should count. one day i will, when i'm spectacularly miserable and in the bath
• folding and folding and folding and folding more into myself each and every day
  • why can't my body undergo this compression? making myself smaller and smaller and smaller until i no longer exist. just a red thread tied tight to you.
• watching a single tear cross from my left eye to my right
  • laying sideways on the floor, the mirror has been watching me unravel for years and years, my silent best friend
• when someone described all these terrible things i've written as "passionate and honest" i turned to mush. passion? me? in my fingertips, the workings of my brain? truly?
  • self-doubt isn't pretty
  • but who really reads this anyway? really, really reads it?
• you know, i noticed i'm the color of an abundance of honey and you've always been that of milk. it's a sign, like our horoscopes that smile in agreement with one another, that this transcends thought, feelings, ideas, this could be a physical purpose.
• when the bike ride home becomes sticky and overbearing, that's a sign that summer is here. i have its taste on my tongue.
• lying down with my stomach on the floor and my hair wet. every time i move my knee some of my new bruises protest in a chorus of aches
• split lip, i'm so dry, when's the last time i was wet with you
• when boys tell me they love me my eyelashes get all fluttery and my mouth gets all drooly and my heart starts making a really intense dubstep beat
  • i turn into the blob from the goosebumps books and then nobody loves me after all
• the way my mind works lately, it's a fuzzy, warm hi-8 shot widescreen film with things of my world playing from the projector hastened to my eyes and you exist in the black spaces cushioning all that i've seen. ever present, ever silent, sort of like a double black bar of love
• baby steps, no, not even baby steps, maybe the steps of the world's most fragile person, with glassy eyes and paper hands and feet so delicate and breakable, making their way through a maze of thoughts, of daydreams, of music and reminders, walking on the flimsiest tight rope on the windiest day with a mouth so dry and a heart so big and pouring so much liquid that they don't know what to do with all this life, this emotion, they are paralyzed, except they're not because they keep taking these careful steps and hardly breathing, trying not to disrupt the balance between people who are not lovers but they do love each other and they don't fall out of love but they are very good at ignoring their feelings that arise, it is the elephant in the room and so this is why the steps are so careful and delicate, this person is trying very hard to tight rope over them and make amends, to kiss each one at the crown of the head and say it's okay
  • when i read this after i've woken i will laugh at myself because when the birds are chirping hello after a long day nothing has any sense or weight or maybe it does but let's just pretend it doesn't
  • i'm the silliest, the worst
• my specialty is appearing when nobody wants me
• when i put my feet in the water i could see it lifting all the dirt and impurities away, can you do that with your emotions? dip them into something so maleable, pure, and arise perfect and pristine, as if you were never ever hurt and you only emitted love
• butterfly kisses everywhere on your body
• someone to bring me home flowers every day, even if they're dead, even if they're plucked from the side of the street, even if they're stolen or small or have no petals
• your last pack of cigarettes tucked away in my closet. i don't know if i'll ever smoke them, but i have them, the ones i found in the dashboard of your car with only a few missing
  • i don't throw myself into sadness for you anymore, but i miss you all the same. i think i'm getting healthier. i think talking to my therapist only helps a little, that i'm pioneering my way to some sort of happiness like this, in this state, with these people.
  • okay
• i'm happy when other people are happy. truly. genuinely.
  • suffice to say, i'm rarely very happy
• stagnant
  • settling for imitations, looking for genuinity in things that are far from what i want them to be
• do you ever look back and see how we began so innocently? all sweetness, all precaution, no inkling of despair. i'm spending my days with the sun burning into my eyelids and lighting a yearning for that period in time again
• when you speak to me it sounds like a flame that will never go out, hardly contained when you close your lips
• we'll eat our sadness for breakfast because they say breakfast is supposed to be the biggest meal of the day.
  • it's hard to digest and all-consuming and gets stuck in your throat, it even frowns at you on your plate
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vs55Z7t7bk
• it's stupid but i miss my long hair because sometimes it felt like the silk of someone's limbs pressing lightly against my back, it even gave off warmth on cold days. i'm trying to think about good, simple things here. i am not about to get lost in a flower headband of maybes and should haves and regrets so late at night, i'm really learning here, i promise
• happy solitude brought to you by a collaboration from early mornings and sleepless nights
  • summer is being strangely good to me so far, perhaps things change far more rapidly and obtusely than i anticipate
• i just want to see my name written by your hand with the sun shining through the paper
  • hallucinatory loves, blind immersions, putting my hand in yours with my eyes closed
• just because you feel it doesn't mean it's real
• there's something very pretty, something very special and striking about girls with short short hair. part of me loves them immediately because of the way some of their hair curls around their cheekbones or how their ears are always showing, perhaps how cold their necks must be in the winter. it's not even jealousy, it's awe
• a boy that reads bukowski but refuses any sip of alcohol makes my lips curl into a smirk
• the past life analysis site said i was a sailor in the past life, no wonder i love the stars and the sea and feel so urgently that they are a part of me. sea water as my blood, the stars reflected in my eyes from their showcase in my brain. if you cracked my skull open planets would leap out and i'm pretty sure if you took out a tooth a seagull would fly out
• dancing across this old floor in cuffed white socks and too big shirts, i'll make the music with broken singing, your breath can keep the tempo
• sometimes i say "it makes me sick" hoping for a response that might change my way of thinking, or deepen it, i don't know, but mean something, but it's mostly all alarm and smooth cruising past all the darkness and an, "oh, i see."
• sometimes i pretend, just as i'm about to break, a narrator would somehow intrude into the scene and announce "and suddenly, she started crying" in a voice lacking of sympathy, so utterly matter of fact, and i would cry like it's okay, like i don't want to shrink and hide. tears of others are the only beautiful kinds of tears. your own are too cold.
• it's funny when you think about how i'm awake when you're asleep and vice versa: it's a change over, slipping past each other coincidentally or purposefully i don't know, but always in a dance, catching up, sometimes overlapping, not quite intertwined, hovering over another and parallel, never to touch but perhaps once, a bump of hands, a split fusion of heart
  • i need to stop writing shit at 7 in the morning when i haven't had any sleep
• kissing ghosts in broad daylight and old remorses that build palaces of ice around your internal organs
• "i don't believe in beautiful people and i don't believe in me"
• when you dream of your teeth falling out, it means someone close to you is going to die soon.
• why do i love you
• http://oregoncoast.craigslist.org/mis/2429782957.html
  • a cute front tooth and club initiations
• don't ever worry, you'll always be able to find me, even if i do disappear
  • http://imageshack.us/clip/my-videos/220/zoe.mp4/
• veined hands clutching the stick shift and barefoot feet curled over the gas pedal and california sunshine stinging my eyes with grains of sand in between my teeth. i thought i swallowed the ocean whole today, how dry and salted my mouth was, but it was just battle wounds from a lost war.
• i think you caught me staring at you today, i'm sorry, i never realized you were so beautiful
• feeling out of place in every space unless i'm alone
• i want to see every person i love in the dim lighting of a movie theatre, hopelessly involved; it reveals so much of their person, your soul surfaces on your face when you commit tirelessly to a life and storyline of a life not your own.
  • you sat so so close to me, i almost didn't want to breathe so i could listen to the rhythm of your breaths instead as it pulled me closer toward you, it was in my ear and our arms touched but then you noticed and pulled away
• "you're just a bad idea hung in a cloud above me"
• "i used to think i was dorian gray and she was basil. now it's like i'm basil and she's dorian gray."
  • immaculate beauty, admirers wishing to drink from the pink of your lips, touch the curves of a lily that make up your jaw, cheek to the side of your neck held by the bones of the world's most exquisite being, to stare into the eyes that are a mere reflection of the deepest sorrows and most painful beauties, i want to write a love letter to you but i can not, i love you but i don't have the words for it
• steady decay, my world of roses and pink are losing their saturation and turning a little grayer every day
• it's been weeks since i thought i was going to die
  • i've learned that other people are magic if you let them be. let everyone you love chew you up and spit you out and the world seems vibrant with colors you'd never thought of before, even if they sting and lick at old wounds you've kept bandaged even though they can't be seen by a careless eye
    • i just want to feel everyone's souls but not let them near mine
      • i'm enamored with your dreams and aspirations, they're so pretty, can i hang them above my head so i can watch them glow each night with purpose and promise and remind me that some people feel lots of things so much so that they have to show it? i won't keep them, they're yours, when the time comes you can reach for them but for now they circle and circle like a carousel and i swear they even make sound
        • a tourist, i'm the world's most avid tourist
• call me your tangerine so i can smile and feel as if i fit into the palm of your hand. my skin is smooth, touch me, but be gentle, i bruise as quickly as you put pressure upon my surface. i'm spineless and i'm small, sink your nails into me and pull back my skin and i'll ooze and bleed into your hand, filling the lines of your palms, leaking into the spaces between your fingers. i'm helpless but you can't save me. you can leave me or keep me, either way, i'm going to rot rot rot so do me a favor and swallow me whole
• living life knowing i'm a still escaping sailboat, a tiny dot on your horizon, hardly even in your peripherals
• sometimes i worry that you do not care for me and others i feel as if i had known that all along
• what do all these notes dropped casually beneath locked doors even mean in the long run anyway
  • fool me, fool me
• i could float on my back in that wet expanse forever if someone would let me. my head is so filled with water i wondered if i would ever be able to hear again
• i often leave little notes to you in places you will never visit yet i still have this ribbon of hope that i tie around my neck that you will find it
  • i love you more than you know
• it is said that if you think of someone's name as you tie a straw cover into a knot and pull, and the straw cover does not knot but instead comes out clean, the person you were thinking of is thinking of you
  • i've tried this with your name and it's happened more than once. my food always tasted better those times
• it's not like i mean nothing to you, right?
• everything means more when you say it, even in the inappropriate pauses, the stumbling over words, when you told me you believed in me i began to feel my existence in a way i had never felt before. you conjured the part of me you see to the surface. i feel ethereal, my hands tingle with sensation.
  • i like you too, i'll remember you for always. you'll see me often. thank you.
• what if i died face first into an open burrito i don't think i would be ashamed of my life
• i want to tell you stories, i want to keep you to myself
• i'm not very special, but you are very special to me.
• deeply rooted maple trees, what we've always been. i'm going to expand my roots ruthlessly. i would destroy worlds for you. you're far, but i'll keep stretching and stretching and stretching. soon my roots will find yours. i'm scared of dying in the winter, let's tangle together for warmth.
• wishy washy
  • wishing washing
    • wishing watching
      • wishing wanting
        • w i s h w i s h w i s h
          • w a n t w a n t w a n t
• i've always been water, i've always trickled through the cracks of your fingers and lingered long after i was wanted, i glimmer like something beautiful though i'm really very plain, i'm cold, i'm transparent, and i don't know what to do than just be
• what is it like to always be calling after me but never truly reaching me? living with perfect strangers does this, what is this odd disconnect? you're supposed to be connected to your flesh and blood after all, but it seems someone has burned that bridge down long ago.
• holding my breath when i lose contact of you for a split second, i'm scared when you're not around--but you've never really been around.
  • this is the first time i've extended my hand to someone i want in my life permanently, i'm sorry, i'm kind of new at this
• i will build worlds of ivory and gold for you, your ceiling will only be that of the finest stars, walk into the bathroom to reveal your bathtub, the sea, your sailboat is already docked there for days when you want to go away. my feelings for you are a fire that will never go out, let me keep you warm, i was made for you, with me you'll always be at home, i say all these things earnestly and yet i can't help but feel silly, my mind has become a confusing place
• romeo, don't die on me
• i'm wary of the snow, don't die in that cold place, i want to be your sunshine (your only sunshine)
• i'm just a girl with very soft skin and sad eyes that are darker than the ocean at night. i don't have anything else to offer you but what is inscribed in my finger prints.
• a perpetual pull, my pinky always aches when i wake up from dreams of laying in bed, pinkies crossed, with you
• sometimes i think all the cocorosie songs in the world were written for you
• sailing away in the boats embroidered on chambray sleeves, coasting white collars and sleeping in pockets
• the earth rotates slowly, my death will come slowly too
• crisp clean spaces to call home, not here, not now, but near
• a kiss to make it real
  • tears to make it hurt
    • hands to make it better
• more than a strawberry, more like the world's prickliest and most difficult pineapple
• i forget everything i've ever wanted to say until i land safely here and everything seems to step outside of my joints and transfer here
• my hair feels really soft today, i wish you could come feel.
• i dreamt of the person i love(d) most almost killing me, everything is out of order, i wasn't even alarmed when i woke up, i almost felt relieved that you had come to see me
• my room is filled with books and birds and nothing that is quite me anymore. i feel like someone preparing for their own death, separating ties, forcing shears to red strings and cutting them loose and forgetting about everybody i've ever seen, moving on to another world where i will exist with you but at the same will never be with you. au revoir. ciao. さようなら. до свидания.
  • привет навсегда
• my eyes ache from all the beauty i've seen, i can't imagine how badly they'll hurt once they set sight on you.
• "you can't _ me and i can't _ you either"
  • fill in the blank, there are too many things to name

http://i52.tinypic.com/2469r34.jpg

• i've known
• i can't make you love me but i can make you think that you do, your cheeks told me so when i put my hand to your cheek and i was almost burned
• kissing you with such conviction my mouth hurts. teeth against teeth, heartbeats scattered in places that don't quite match up, too much eye closing not enough observing. you're taller than me, your heart is at my throat, i'm smaller than you, my heart is at your center and i'm pulling you off balance. ravenous for things that are more than mine, they're yours, but not for long.
• navigating my way through every pore on your body, skin shouldn't be allowed to be this soft
• i'm gentle, not broken limbs and doe eyes gentle, but the kind of gentle when i stay quiet for a thousand years just so i never have to see you hurt because of any cruel word i say
• no one ever told me loving someone was easy, but then again, no one has ever told me that love isn't something you're born with, either. the capacity to care is extraordinary and so vibrant in you, you're so special, why does anyone let you exist all alone?
• a pool of blood that looks like love, it stains like it too
• you're my honey (but what i really mean is i'm your honey)
• falling into that old routine of kissing ghosts and wanting to leave with them
• with skin so milk white i could drink it and hair that curves like a black wave it's hard for me not to always always be looking at you
• what me worry? i always do, endlessly over you
• i get it, okay?
  • swallowing my pride, but strangely, it goes down pretty smooth, like children's cough syrup
• the world's softest hands and that rip in your denim shirt right where your right elbow is. there's something so perfect about you, i don't think i've ever met a person more genuine. speaking so closely we could kiss (you knock me out)
• you held me two seconds longer than i thought you would but that's okay, it's nice to hold on to something solid for once, something that didn't want to let go either
  • you sang to me, didn't you? i'm sorry i kept my distance. you make me nervous.
    • but sitting next to you was nice. leaning close to you was nice. you, coming closer and closer just to hear what stupid things i had to say was very nice. i always forget that when people tell you, "i love you", it isn't always, just plainly, "i love you". i'll remember that next time you deliberately come and sit next to me. you could perform some jaunty little tune or tell me again the story about the greed of man, you interest me endlessly.
• i want to feel my face on your face
• shivers
• love isn't just a song anymore, it's something palpable. i feel it so strongly now, i wonder how things have changed. ebbing quietly beneath the surface, with a few ripples in the water, sea life coming up for air, the water is still and my heart is too. contentment like i've never felt before. no more wanting, no more aching. an unbearable lightness that almost makes me smile. a nice, clean cut, the reddest blood traveling down a straight line. i'm okay, okay.
• space is a truly beautiful thing, i am in awe of how elegantly it realizes things i've always wished but never known how to voice. one day, playing on the screen on the back of my eyelids, it will be you and me, separated in that large, expansive abyss, pulled closer and closer together by our masses until we collide, every time, without fail.
• burying these dead feelings, shedding skin filled with memories
  • oh, what a joy to be free.
• "when you breathe, breathe deep, breathe in greedily like you'll never breathe again"
• an endless routine of wit and charms and deep sighs
• green eyes shine and flicker, i'd look at them all night
• someone who knows how well stripes and the sea go together, hand in hand always
• those self destructive thoughts that knock on the back of my eyeballs whenever i'm behind the wheel, giggling and laughing and telling me if i moved my hand just this way, just this much, i could probably die
  • fuck fighting off my demons, exorcise those fuckers
    • i've gotten so eloquent lately
• i've never been one to crack my knuckles but i've always been one to crack
• i love you so much i can't even look at you
• you have a special connection to my feelings, the way you come and go and how my feelings for you do, too. birds of a feather. you were never truly connected to me, but i'd like you to be
  • "goodbye, my darling"
    • jokes shouldn't be able to make a girl swoon
      • someone convince me to put down these bricks of hope and wet cement mixed from aspiration so i can stop building a future with you in my head. we can talk about our tiger stripes. we can ride our bikes together, see movies when the weather is cold, compare hand sizes, trade glasses, write in the spines of books that we share. don't do this to me, me.
• sometimes i can't find my good habits
  • one day i will realize i can't always hide behind my hair when i'm too scared to take your eyes with mine and tell you
    • everything
    • all the things
    • the absence of everything
    • the nothing
• my eyes are not the color of the sea, they're pukey browny green, but if you like them, i'll make sure they're endlessly looking upon you.
• i want to be tall the way a tree is tall, so my physicality matches my emotional state. people always touch the outside, the bark, but only the especially brutal know when to break me and see everything that's going inside
  • the thing with trees is, once you break them, it takes so long for them to grow back
    • which, again, is not unlike me.
• "your smile is the cool sun in the dark"
• i'm so young, i'm so young. i'm. so. young. i'm so... young. why did i ever feel so close to dying?
• chapped and cracking lips and that sort of unassuming, childlike curiosity is what defines you so prominently in my mind.
  • i can't seem to ever really tell what you're thinking. are we really so out of reach? if thought were a potential, i'd probably have consumed you with feeling long, long ago
• thinking things that would make you cry
• you're so stunning it hurts to close my eyes sometimes. i'm supposed to be the bird, aren't i, but somehow you're flightier than me
• my head is too heavy for me to carry on those days. i lay it on tabletops, fleshy shoulders, keyboards, and shaky, knobbly knees, but wherever it lays it wishes to sink deeper and deeper until i can't breathe anymore. my hands are too small to hold it still, they shake too much, my rib cage rattles, i place my fingers along the crown as if to keep the contents in tact. a lullaby might help, words might help, they always do, i don't help. press lips to my ears and shush the sadness away, as if it were an obedient child, as if it was something that would yield so easily.
  • "i am the only one that thinks i'm going crazy and i don't know what to do"
• i don't ever mean to break your heart or blacken your galaxies painted with the brightest stars, long dead, still shining. let me make it up to you. let me give you all that you need, all that you want, take me in my entirety, i have no dreams but you, i keep telling myself i am not desperate, i'm earnest. i can see the tug of a frown, the deepening of eyebags, shhh, i three time promise that i'll watch sunsets with you when you are sad, i'm not a flower though i wish to be, but that means you don't have to leave me under a jar of glass in order to keep me safe. i am proud, but i would shed tears for you. let me bloom, i have no thorns, don't mistake my vulnerability as me not wanting you. i want nothing but you. i promise.
• during lectures that drawl and make your eyelids made of the purest cream too heavy to lift, i want to whisper in your porceletta ears, "you are beautiful, you love someone who takes your chapped lips with arsenic hatred, i would fold you in ribbon and take you on my boat of clouds and we can make our way to the moon." but it is that girl with arsenic lips and coal eyes that keeps me from you, and i feel the time to take you completely has long passed.
• reading old things i've written about you make me sick, loving you the way i do is good for no one
• "maybe we need to be hollow to grow"
• the lines of your mouth that deepen from exclamation make me adore you, not hate you. "they add ten years" you said, but they show passion in your face, something that do not show in your hands stitched with silk or your eyes deadened with truths of the world defeating your Atlas shoulders. when you sing, you really sing, the room expands with awe from your voice, i shrink, my heart grows. great magic conducted in small rooms, keep smiling into that microphone, let your laughter resound.
• if only my hair were my feelings for you, i'd shave myself bald every day.
• i dreamt of you last night, though it wasn't your face--i know you face, the milk skin was right, the dark hair, but the face was too round, not sad, not the way i know you. you came to me in the dream, broken like a figure doll with split joints, and i promised you things would be better. i held you, let you listen to the steady song of my heart, shushed you content, but somehow, things were not alright. i can't even help you in my dreams.
• i'm not the type of woman who could only exist as a sailor's wife. it's not as if i would like you to dock your boat when i do, or even stay with me always--i would just like to know that one day we could sail together in the summer, fish naked, rock easily against puppy dog waves, brown our skin in the smiley sun, and hold out against storms together. i'm not useless, i'm not a muse, or an anchor to come home to, but it is those reasons that i want you to love me, to note my strong will like the sea you devote your time and existence to.
• i'm not naive enough to think that one day you'll love me too
• the new year is coming, and this is something i need to tuck away once it begins again. a clean slate.
  • dumb feelings part 2
• max, thank you.