- can we use each other in equal ways? i'd rather be lonely with you than without you.
- i need you
- i don't need you
- my head always aches. i'm so numb all the time. i don't know what to say. i don't know what to feel. i take everyone else's feelings from them and i still feel like the same piece of shit as before.
- to explore the terrain of your facial features with my clumsy fingers would be nothing short of a blessing. i want to map you and know you in innocent ways, a curious child with nothing to give but my company
- in the lapses of your absences i miss you more and more
- i'll count your elephant eyelashes one by one, have your taste on the tip of tongue
- i'll cut off a bit of my curls and leave it with you so you can hold it up on windless days and tell which way the wind blows
- you're so lonely lonely lonely. put your head in my lap, take out your heavy heart and leave it on a scale. we'll close our eyes and point our fingers and wonder who's to blame.
- you've been cut out of my life. i have felt absolutely nothing towards you since. you don't exist to me, even if you feel contrary
- your words are kept safe at my sides, scribbles overlapping each other and blending into something that could look like love. please please please, consume me.
- there are traces of you here there and everywhere. hints and sentiment. just having anything of you around is enough to intoxicate.
- aching makes me feel alive the way you always wished you could
- let go
- you left me too soon. i've been grabbing and wondering at what my last words were to you. i hope they were "i love you" because nothing could capture what i feel better and simplest
- i break doubly the times you do. my heart aches aches aches when i see reminders of your mortality, here, there, everywhere. i want to keep you with me all the time. i'll take your clothes, i'll keep your necklace. be with me for always, i couldn't stand living any other way.
- i just want someone to hold me and tell me again and again and again that they love me and that they'll hold onto me forever. i am so scared of being abandoned.
- my heart is rattling in my chest, i can feel my bones reverberate.
- if i lift up your eyelid, will i be able to know you more by observing the dark spaces you never see? i want to be a cartographer for your veins. i like knowing wherever i trace them to, they'll always end up at your heart.
- come and teach me what romance is
- i keep hoping that if i shut my eyes for a long while and open them again that everything would go away. it never works, but sometimes i think of you, appearing.
- i wish i could think of a better word for 'miss' than 'miss'. how i miss you should be subcategorized or organized in a way that it can logically make sense even though you don't think of logic much and cast it aside.
- "i miss you" makes me think of missed connections, of things that don't work the way they should. missing someone is like having them disappear unintentionally, or erasing their physical existence so the act of "miss"ing can begin. it's both an acknowledgement and extinguishment of the person's existence. i'm rambling.
- be sad with me. this distance is comforting and safe, but to trace your smile lines with a gaze from my eyes and have my fingers dance along your spine would be shocking enough for me to fall out of love with you. that kind of love, anyway.
- and you'd come close and breathe me in and i'd point to my forehead and whisper "right here" and the corner of my mouth, a missed connection that still tastes sweet, and my collarbone, and my finger tip and my earlobe, right here right here right here. i want to feel you in all the places distant lovers could never reach
- there was a caution to your embrace. thank you for saying goodbye. i'll let you go.
- i'm fucked up, but i might be a good idea.
- you're static. i'm trying to collect you, seal you tight in jars and in pages but you're so many things and in so many places and you belong to so many people. i just want to catch you, you don't even have to be mine
- "why do you open yourself up like that?" "so i can rub my existence all over their fucking faces"
- i swear i could choke you with my red red red hair.
- you make me dizzy with how much i think about you. you, you, you, and the possibilities, and seeing you and feeling you with lips and fingertips and communicating through warmth and looks and small small smiles
- i want seeing you to be as frequent as all these sleepless nights. nothing would make me happier.
- do they love you the way i love you? do they love you the way you love me?
- hold your promises steady. in however many years time, will you still love me?
- sometimes when i see beautiful things, i just want to destroy them. set the miles of forest alight, break what is fragile, fucking destroy destroy destroy the ocean and its waves that crash and sting.
- i don't feel like sleeping tonight. i feel like coughing up blood. i feel like staring at the same place on the ceiling for hours and letting sounds and the breeze rush over me. i feel like going away with you. i feel like being quiet but smiling, smiling for no reason. i feel sore but i want to be sorer. i want to hurt more. i want to deteriorate more.
- lately i've been thinking about being lost at sea, continually floating on my back and tasting only salt and only feeling the water lap over my legs and my hair in a great plume of flame and my back is chilled and nothing exists but me in this big desolate sea and i'm lost and i'm happy. what a marvelous dream it would be.
- you you you you you
- you you you
- you
- it has only and will ever be
- i want everyone to disappear. just me and my maple tree.
- if i could control the seasons i would make summer go away. trap it in a bottle, sail it out to sea, and hope it never comes back to me.
- so tangled in my own mess and my own feelings. i keep forgetting that it is me that makes me feel anything, not anybody else.
- holding on to all the things that still smell like you
- fragile like glass but you handle me like you don't believe i can break (if only because i hold you together so easily but you're not me and i'm not you, so what are we supposed to do?)
- i love you in waves
- we sat there listening to music that made us feel a part of a dream, tongue tied, lids shut, comfort and silence and we put all of our former malice deep in the ground, away from the tree roots of what we might be. we could be beautiful, we could be better, we could gleam and shine like the sunlight that dances on water but all this hate just swallows us up.
- since when did i ever refer to us as 'us'?
- we were never a 'we'
- i guess we've always been more of a 'you and me'. separate everything.
- the only thing i'd really like to separate are your eyelids from your lash line so i could look at your eyes all the time
- i feel like i keep missing you. come and nestle close, you don't even have to speak but just knowing you're around is enough to relieve me.
- today i was reminded of how much i miss you. it still hurts the way a phantom bruise would. take note and push down and think of it enough and the pain is all brand new. it hasn't kicked in that i'll never see you again, even if it shouldn't be that way. i love you i love you i love you. i don't want seeing pictures of you to turn into something that makes me hurt but i want to relive and redo so much. your shirt still smells like you.
- i know you don't want me to cry ever but i am and it is all sadness and ache. i just want to be with you again. (i've always wanted the impossible)
- all i do is hold onto things that are intangible. at the same time, i don't know when i'm actually being genuine anymore. mostly i just simulate feeling and hope it stays.
- more often than not, it's all this false comfort. fuck genuinity straight to the ground.
- i wish i could feel something and not question if it's me really feeling these things or a passive force. or maybe even someone else.
- but i haven't felt a thing like love in a long, long time
- i wish i could say that my mind is filled with things deeper than daydreams but that is not at all the case.
- i just want to really mean things or at the very least mean something to someone that i can stand.
- let's hide like happy elephants. i think the only thing i've ever wanted to be was a happy elephant
- the thrill of strangers never fade. maybes, could bes, what ifs, perhaps, hopefullys. would you find me strange if i told you how i ached to ask every person who i've never heard speak say my name? to be acknowledged by these potentially terrible people, to hear those two syllables makes a smile immediate, makes my face bright.
- i'm just begging to be ruined. i don't know why i can't destroy myself so please please please do it for me
- tangled, coiled, knotted, muddled all those things all the time
- i want to be a flower that blooms and dies inside you, depending on your fluctuating moods
- i'd probably be dead all the time
- set into motion (move me)
- i'm always always playing with my hair lately. half of me knows i like to pretend that it could hide me, that i could disappear in it, and the other half just takes comfort in keeping my hands busy
- sometimes i wish my entire physical existence was just a giant pile of hair. cousin it status. then i'd smell good all the time and never feel lonely
- crying in my sleep, or something along those lines. my eyes are bloodshot my hands are shaky like they're keeping a secret and my lash lines feel like cushions. something's not right something's not right something's not right
- living to see you alight with the sun from between the blinds, squinting from the sunlight in your eyes. that's when i'll really know what shade of brown they are.
- i've done everything possible to erase what i had been before. building this empty character from hesitant, beat up blocks. sometimes i want to reach in through my mouth and pull my brain out of my fucking skull
- i can't think straight. everything is blurry all the time and i wonder if that's actually what everything is supposed to look like.
- i'd love to love you if you didn't love anybody else. i've found a mirror in you and it makes me nervous. in all our flightiness i'm sure we'd miss each other
- another missed connection of course of course
- all sorts of selfish, but does that make a fit? parallels always seem to blend together at the right angle
- fuck everything. what happened to relying on fate to run its course?
- these episodes of sickness can go away. everything can go away, i wouldn't miss it
- hello, again. it's me, again. remember when we would whisper each other flimsy words, words said without thought but upon reflection were rough and callous and raw? let's do that, again. just you and me, again. no goodbyes, again.
- just think, my love, what if we could try with all our might to squish the past together? we've tried running away and that only makes old times resonate, but if we weave them together like dreamcatchers maybe we can hang them up and leave them forgotten. wouldn't that be grand? wouldn't it, wouldn't it?
- my mind is in a strange place right now. strange enough that i can even acknowledge it in delirium
- aching aching aching aching. my head is filled with something i don't quite know.
- i keep tilting it to the side, hoping all thought will pour out, but i think it only clogs
- do you think recreating can save you? we've all been through this so many times, i could reach your arm and wring out all the ghosts of people you used to be, of people you tried to be, of people you never wanted to be. there are traces of these ghosts in your goosebumps, if you look real close. trading in apparent distress for lightheartedness, i wish i could save you as much as i wish i could save myself. slipping into another persona and floating, floating, floating--you can't do this forever. i won't let you be lonely forever.
- i left an ice cube on my forehead and now my mind is numb and with the water dripping down my face i can pretend i'm immersed in the sea. i should do this more often.
- when i close my eyes to blink i am overcome with a rush of thoughts and feelings kept parceled and veiled and put away. these fragments keep spinning through the crevices of my mind, like graceful, taunting pirouettes
- i prefer your winter skin when your freckles almost disappear, but not quite. they're secrets for me to treasure up close, not seen by people out of reach (and darling, they're just dying dying dying to reach you). the summer has darkened them. your freckles, i mean.
- i don't feel so special anymore to see those pretty little flaws that i looked at in awe from far away
- the heat feels so dense, i feel like my head is about to explode. my skin sticks to everything. i've got a cotton mouth and i can't fucking sleep
- "and i've been only eating sweets because they remind me of you"
- i've been fiddling with the padlock that keeps my emotions all together lately. i sort of fear myself.
- i'd be so much happier if my eyes were heavy feeling like this at all the right times. mmmm.
- i'd like to blanket myself in the smell of tangerines and replace my hair with always blooming flowers
- i've been talking to the seasons lately and i keep begging winter to please be good to me
- your absence is unnerving. caring is weird.
- it feels like it's been a while since i've really, really breathed. living life on tip toes and held breath--i'm just waiting until i finally collapse.
- my only thoughts today are on how easily time can pass. i could lay here forever and i'd still feel the same.
- a routine, a repetition, a refrain. spin cycle over and over. i don't know why i can't listen to myself when my head pleas "get lost"
- assessing where i should haunt when i leave and wondering if i'm more an afterthought than a memory
- fingers that flutter with grace but feel like paperweights. i thought i told you i could never sleep but when you put your hands over my eyes and the world is black save for the leaky slants of light, i feel at ease
- you're like my little tangerine. smooth and tough to the touch but watch me sink my fingers into you and peel back your skin and all the other unimportant things so i can see you veined and raw and sweet and weak
- i'd like to take your hands and put your palms together to see if the lines match up, maybe trace them with fingers or eyelashes, i haven't decided yet. and maybe then permit myself to see what fate has in store for you, even if i'm not in it.
- i keep you tucked away on my person at all times, i hope you know that. i wouldn't forget about you ever, i keep you in my thoughts and replay all the beautiful words and ideas you lent me. even if our love turns from sparkles and shimmers of gold to a fine, airy string, we'll be fine.
- i'd like to think i keep you in the space behind my ear, before my hair begins
- creeping, knowing kind of feelings. i want to roll my eyes to the back of my head because i'm not sure what's next
- i keep hesitating, hovering here. there's something forgotten i'd love to say but there's a drought in my mouth and a stilling in my brain. i'll come back again and again, but i'm sure i've lost it (in so many ways)
- the way you put your eye to the view finder and create memories with a camera, capturing moments and instances i don't want around. "am i being too romantic about this? the way i fall in love with the way you move on film"
- yes, you are, but i won't stop you.
- who doesn't love a girl that smells like tangerines?
- no heart no soul just hands and feet and useless limbs that aren't helping me get anywhere
- i just feel so entirely useless all the time. i'm searching for a point or perhaps something you could always go back to, concerning me, but it never works. wasted it all, my youth, my love, my life. i'm waiting for a gradual descent, that fall.
- i feel sorry for any person that falls in love with me
- caught up in a murky routine. i want to be a fruit so saccharine you'd hate me
- where are you now? i'd like you with me.
- so feverish and fleeting. what makes you tick tick tick?
- repetitive questions to so many people at once. fuck identity.
- clenching my fists over and over, just to see the sand dollar white of my hand before it's pinkish and alive again
- it's like i'm suffocating and killing something each time i do this and this shouldn't be exciting
- lost the way feeling is lost when you let it sit long enough. if the way the rings beneath my lids are deep and gray and big tell you anything, it's how much i hate you
- all these bug bites on my leg that won't go away remind me of you. when we were fresh we were bright and red and full of feeling.
- now you're just dead skin, looking like a bruise
- dreaming about the ideal way to die. i've decided that one day i'll just know and put on a long white dress and prepare everything in a nice little box and then leave, leave to the nearest beach, and walk walk walk straight into the ocean until i'm immersed and i'll float out on my back until i disappear
- oh my god just fucking leak the thought out of my mind
- i'm so fucked in the head
- why don't you want to save me anymore?
- absence absence absence. i don't know how much fonder my heart has grown, but i do know that i don't feel as light as i used to with you
- maybe i'm growing up, except i'd rather these limbs not show up, not at all, not anymore
- transparent, nonexistent, unchanging, etc
- my silly billy, my fickle friend. i don't know if i have anything left to say. i'm all dried up, curling at the sides and worn and crumpled and used
- i want to know what it's like to take care of myself, for once
- he's not a replacement for you. he never could be. you're a little brighter, a little lovelier, a little more alluring. besides, you caught me first. that's how it is in the land of the birds, isn't it?
- i'll make you fall in love with me but never treat you the same. i want to love someone too, but i'm sure i'll only end up getting what i deserve
- cotton candy sweet dreams. all fluff and a sugary distaste.
- i wish i could list my favorite words, but i can never determine them with thought. they are usually found or spoken and i try them on, taste them on my tongue, hear them echo in my teeth and throat and i love them and manage to forget them
- i guess i treat words, though i love them more, like i do people
- i don't mean to distance myself from you, i just need room to breathe. birds aren't meant to be kept in cages but i love you too much to go and you're too scared to let me leave.
- couldn't you keep me in your clasped hands instead where it's warm and dark and safe and peek at me from time to time by making spaces between your thumbs?
- i'll be your treasure if you let me
- the more i read your words the more the magic wears off. cast a new spell and entice me again
- i'd put your ear to the crown of my head and ask, "can you hear that?" and you would wonder "what" but not say it aloud, and i would continue easily, "can you hear the way my mind works? the way the ocean roars and crashes and booms and the way everything runs together until it seems to be nothingness and everythingness? the chaos at peace and the dull aching and throbbing and sighing, can you hear it?" as if somehow through all my hair you could identify these things that went on within my terrible skull and all i want you to do is nod and kiss me there and say "yes"
- please, please, please, why won't you say yes?
- i know you only want to grow and expand and shake the youth from your limbs but i love you
- i want to be smoke and curl the way it does and dry up your eyes and make the world hazy.
- would you believe me if i told you that i could turn into smoke?
- falling in love with the way rain stays on your clothes for hours faster than i could ever fall in love with a person. hazy days and recklessness, this is what i want life to be about.
- distance is as distance does. you don't feel the same as you used to
- you taste like smoke and worlds i can not reach and i think i hate you
- devoting my time to things that aren't really there
- i just want to earn my sea legs. i think that if i could choose a profession to have all my life, i'd love to be a sailor and be engulfed in the sea
- the truth is that i could stand outside with you for hours with the rain beating against our tired skulls and i wouldn't know the difference between the raindrops inching down your face and you crying. i don't know you at all or really and i don't think i ever used to.
- my brain has been omitting words when i write and i am beginning to wonder if there are gaping holes in the worn crevices
- i wish i could get a new one
- "you know, sometimes, i wonder if i've ever really known you."
- i feel like all the people i know are like ribbons tied around my fingers and gradually i just untie them, one by one
- peach and gold, the color of your eyelids right now. all dressed up and nowhere to go and all you want to do is smack your head against the mirror and end it all but you keep on applying make up and hoping for the best
- i envy that because all i'm good for is a good whine and words i wish i meant but never do
- you're just wasting away and i don't even know what to say. you used to be spun of gold and now you just feel rotten.
- i never dreamed you better than you are but now i wish i had because this deterioration is frightening
- my heart stops (not from being nervous) sometimes and i would like to be romantic about it and say it's from missing you but really i just think it's from a lack of really feeling love
- i'm the wet cement beneath your feet
- here's me wondering if you remember anything about me at all
- if you see this, i'm whispering to you beneath the floorboards and putting my ear real close and waiting until i hear back. sometimes i drop pennies or other things sure to make a sound but really it's just me trying to tell you how much i'd like to waste my life with you
- "don't you remember me?" you asked. i shook my head because i truly didn't. "you used to love me." you explained, like this had some significance to a girl who couldn't even remember your name. i wanted to say, "that happens a lot" but i think that would have been out of place so i just got kinda shaky and said something insignificant along the lines of, "oh" instead
- to mean everything to nothing
- 10+10+10 = 30 = 3+0 = 3. today might be a good day, threes are always good. mostly i'm just awaiting the crashing of the waves to shudder in the back of my brain and then sometime between the hours my mind numbs itself and my lids feel swollen with heaviness i will find solace and be somewhere between awake and asleep
- i've always wanted to spend years in this inbetween state. my body shudders but i don't feel a thing. dissociation is the best thing i can do for my self mentally right now.
- it's nice to hear your voice again. the way it reaches notes in a way i would never attempt to, singing tales spun of silver threads and a warm wispiness. you'll always be a song bird, you can hear it in the thudding of your chest and the vibration of your vocal chords.
- a dulling ache in my chest and my eyes get all blurry. i hope you don't know you're the one doing this to me.
- that conversation keeps running through my head. sometimes i think about introducing ourselves to someone. wouldn't that be fun?
- "yes, hi, hello, we used to be in love"
- being half awake or half asleep doesn't matter if all you are is half dead
- i haven't written to you in a while so i think maybe i should. have you heard all the soft syllables i've dropped beneath your door? the i love yous, the questions that come out as vapors and silver smoke? i was just wondering if you picked them up and mangled them into something grotesque yet
- your words are thick as syrup and painful when they course through my blood. they're starting to slowly, slowly make their syrupy way into my heart, collecting in thick layers in my left atrium to spreading in large, unbearable doses into my left ventricle to my aortic valve. These words so laden with memories and emotions and layers of things i still don't quite understand will not budge from there but rather fill up until my heart it bursts and i don't know if it's from beauty or pain but sometimes i get the two mixed up anyways
- remember when i used to hold the moon in my hand and you loved me then? you acted as if it were something to be jealous of but really my arms were straining from the weight and i really wanted to ask you if it would be okay with i tossed the moon back and forth to you, and that way we could create the days and nights and control the tides and make our nights together as long as we'd like to
- you disappeared before i could ask and when you returned you were a different man who probably would control waves on his own already
- "It is Monday and I love you.
- Tomorrow is Tuesday and I will still love you."
- you are the color of milk and i love you
- lately the only thing i've been able to think of are the things that make me love you and that makes me hate myself all the more
- i want to examine beauty and become it. i don't want to keep busying myself with idle things, practical things; a math problem will, regretfully, not move me the way words do. the science of you does not make me love you. the intricacies and truths of the way you work frightens me. i would rather make up reasons for your existence than know them
- what's romantic about the calculated, anyway? it's all daydream bells ringing in my head and me thinking of the future but never taking steps toward it
- i'll meet you along the coast
- turns out we were always walking toward each other all along, though at times i wanted to throw myself into the ocean rather than continue on
- somehow, i've always imagined you to smell like the autumn breeze and have a voice like the crisp leaves crackling beneath my feet
- summer weather, it's the summer weather that has me thinking of you (at least that's what i've been telling myself) heat sickness and slick skin and the way that one curl that belongs to my bangs refuses to lay uniform with the others, these all scream you even if there is ice in my veins
- what is this attachment? i think it could only be the red strings of fate and please, believe me, you are the one i'd like to be entangled with the most
- check your fingers for me, since i can not, not at this moment in time. do you see them all immaculate and beautiful around your fingers, blood red strings bonding you to me like puppets in a play? tug me to you, i can feel the static in the threads from strain and ache
- remember when you told me we were trees? i didn't believe you then but now i do, because every time i try to move i discover that i have roots that cling mercilessly to the ground and i am trapped and i am panicked and it will soon be winter and i will soon be dead and you will soon be dead and we'll stand naked and cold and ugly so many miles apart.
- i only hope that one day, in the spring, we can grow again, make our branches full of leaves and ever blooming flowers extend across the coasts and intertwine
- it's almost a little frightening when you're this young and you can hear the slow tick of your internal clock, a constant reminder of your expiration date fast coming. i stare at my hands for hours just listening to the tick, tick, tick, i lay there and breathe and it's just tick, tick, tick, slow and painful and laughing and i am just laughing with for the sake of it and i blink and move my eyes back and forth and it's tickticktick because my heart it races and now i exhale and i don't know what to do.
- the only thing i really love is the sea. it makes me sick sick sick to watch but it just makes me want to be sick with it. i can feel the fluid in my mouth imitate waves and lap over my tongue in patterns and intensities and my legs dangle over the expanse and it would be so easy just to fall. (so why don't you, why don't you?)
- it's not time, just yet. i'm very good at waiting
- in the meantime i listen to its whispers and angry roars and it's easy because here i don't have to feel a thing that isn't mine. the sea is too big to ever abandon me and oh how i'm safe at last.
- i want to write apologies on your milk colored skin with my lips until they blur incomprehensible red. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i've only now realized how much you've been hurting and how you told me in your letter and i could have saved you, i think, i want to save you, i know, but you're this mangled vessel and sometimes i feel like you're not even a person anymore
- sitting next to the sea again and i could've sworn the breeze delivered a whisper from you to me
- perhaps it's imagined wishful thinking or maybe my madness descending but it scared me because you're not supposed to reach me here
- knocking on all the familiar places of your abandoned body. knocking on your eardrums, knockknock, will you please let me in? knocking on your sternly closed mouth, knockknock, will you please let me in? knocking on your empty eyelids, knockknock, please, please, let me in! and this continues to your adam's apple, the place where your heart should be, your knees, the very crown of your head, and never once do i hear you say, "please, forgive me, come in, come in. i've always wanted you to know me the way my blood does, from my head to my feet. i've always wanted you to be so vital."
- that day i just gave up and spread myself on the floor like starfish so stubbornly attached to the ocean's rocks and flat spaces and wonder if you'll ever return again
- perhaps i'll return some other day
- i don't have anything left to say. i am smoke now and i would hate for you to breathe me in.
- i want to scratch my eyes out of my head so every little mention of you will cease to exist. you're only a mixture of letters and syllables now and if i can't see anything that reminds me of you then maybe you won't be so sad and maybe i won't be so sad and i can stop missing that person you used to be.
- blood dripping out of my eye sockets and an empty head
- i want to be the last person you think about before you kill yourself
jul 10 2010 ∞
apr 8 2011 +