- In Game of Thrones, Wildfire burns the same color as Boric Acid, which has the chemical formula of H3BO4. H3BO4=HBO
- In all likelihood, somewhere out there in the universe, an alien is currently masturbating.
- Who would have thought 15 years ago Michael Jackson was one of the few people NOT abusing kids in Hollywood.
- Spies get paid two salaries
- Come to think of it, they never tell you how to get to Sesame Street
- If you plug an echo device into a smart plug and ask Alexa to turn off that smart plug. You have just asked Alexa to end its own life.
- 50 years ago everyone felt bad for people if they weren’t married by 25, now everyone feels bad for people married by 25
- It must really kill the authority of your statement if you ever have to legitimately say “No way” to a man named Jose
- People who make advertisements for girls’ toys don’t seem to have any idea how girls play with them. Barbies don’t have nice civilized tea parties and talk about boys, it’s more like Game of Thrones except everyone is a lesbian
- If Aliens invade Earth they could land inside football stadiums, providing a ready-made fortress around them…and there’s one in every city in the world…
- Martin Luther King Jr & Anne Frank were born in the same year but are always perceived as two completely different ages
- 118 years ago, an entirely different set of humans were on this planet.
- Having a dead mother is the ultimate trap card in a ‘your momma’ joke fight. Once your opponent claims to have “f****d your mom” you can reveal they are a necrophiliac.
- If you’re over 30, you were alive before every dog in the world.
- For some reason they never saw it necessary to install a cancel button in an elevator in case you press the wrong floor
- Some say that if you die in a dream, you die in real life, but in fact, it’s if you die in real life that you die in the dream.
- Foxes are just cat software that’s been hacked to run on dog hardware.
- You can actually count all the way up to 1,024 on your fingers if you use binary rather than the decimal system
- Once they perfect good, affordable, real-tasting lab-grown meat, there’s going to be people who’ll be really annoying and loud about still preferring real meat in order to be edgy because death makes it taste better
- When we pull wild sharks from the water, document and tag them it’s exactly what people think aliens do to humans. Abduct, probe, release.
- The first person who developed a sense of humor must’ve faced a very tough crowd.
- If you stack one lasagna on top of another, you still only have one lasagna.
- The expiration date on a water bottle is for the bottle, not the water.
- The first woman to give birth to twins must have been like “?????”
- Centuries ago, a person who could claim to have traveled the world was considered legendary. Today, traveling the world is the pastime of retired people
- Coffeehouses are almost always chill and mellow places despite selling a product meant to energize you.
- Finding Nemo would have ended a lot differently if Marlin was played by Liam Neeson.
- Getting new glasses is like getting a new graphics card for your eyes.
- The earth will weigh exactly the same no matter how many things we build because all the materials came from the earth.
- Most people look back at childhood as a ‘carefree’ time in their life. This is probably because we could publicly burst into tears, throw a tantrum and move on.
- Adulthood is realizing that with $5,000 salary you won’t have $10,000 in 2 months
- When someone with a Wikipedia page dies it must be incredibly annoying to change their bio from present tense to past tense.
- It’s gotten to a point where we don’t watch a movie to see IF the good guy wins, we watch it to see HOW the good guy wins.
- Country music is farm emo
- One day in the not too distant future, our world leaders will be apologizing for tweets they made when they were 13.
- Homework is just unpaid overtime.
- No matter how cute your dog is, he still believes that killing people is ok. You could murder a stranger in front of him and he would love you just as much
- An icicle would be the perfect murder weapon. The evidence literally melts away.
- Failing a test is usually an indicator of how bad a student is doing, but it can also be an indicator of how bad the teacher is doing
- People would be a lot less fat if food was priced by the number of calories it contained instead of junk food being the cheapest option.
- In a pool, you hold your breath. On a pool floatie, your breath holds you.
- In 3018 people will be complaining about Millennials all over again.
- Depression is just being bullied by yourself.
- For every language you don’t learn you miss out on thousands, maybe even millions, of puns.
- In the ‘Cars’ movie universe, a car dealership would be a slave market.
- The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4am is discovering that some people do it on purpose so they can exercise.
- 2/5 seems like a far less portion than 40%.
- If reincarnation is real, then maybe flies and other bugs are purposely annoying because they want to get killed and get reincarnated as something better (GAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S AMAZING AND I BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION SO I APPRECIATE THAT)
- People who sort by new have a lot of power over what we all see every day.
- Technically we are all bodybuilders, just some of us are building shittier bodies than other people
- Meatballs are just the cupcake versions of meatloaf
- One of the hardest parts of airport travel is sitting next to a service dog with a “do not pet” vest on
- Jumping off of a bridge fully clothed vs. wearing a swimsuit gets very different reactions ;w;
jul 25 2018 ∞
aug 9 2018 +
