AL EAST

✧ BALTIMORE ORIOLES

• choking hazard
• on the brink of great things but not quite there yet
• WS: 3
• notable players: manny machado, chris davis, jj hardy

✧ BOSTON RED SOX

• beards. probably tied for 2nd best team in the AL (with the A's) after the tigers.
• WS: 8!
• notable players: mike napoli, xander bogaerts, david ortiz, koji uehara, dustin pedroia

✧ TORONTO BLUE JAYS

• [confused frat boy noises]
• forget everything i said b4. their hitting and pitching has been crazy good lately despite expectations
• so basically everyone is super confused but expects them to take the al east
• (mostly bc the other teams seem to have forgotten how to play baseball??? but i'll take it i'm so proud of my kids)
• + current GM made some dumb trades that prioritised current success over future success so now the jays farm system is fubar so take that as u like
• WS: 2
• notable players: munenori kawasaki, brett lawrie, edwin encarnacion

✧ NEW YORK YANKEES

• $$$/#heeltactics/the team that satan backs, probably
• WS: 27????? sorcery
• notable players: derek 'fuck yea but im overrated and not actually good anymore thank god im retiring' jeter, carlos beltran, suzuki ichiro? idk they currently don't have many bc they're known 4 wasting their young talent and spending the BIG BUX on washed up old dudes

✧ TAMPA BAY RAYS

• annual passengers on the struggle train. good when they're not SHIT.
• WS: 0
• notable players: evan longoria, joe maddon, wil myers

AL CENTRAL

✧ DETROIT TIGERS

• justin verlander and his apostles. phil coke is judas in that he's trash and needs to be banished.
• WS: 4
• notable players: verlandad, miguel cabrera, prince fielder

✧ KANSAS CITY ROYALS

• i actually had to do research for this one bc i literally know one player on thsi team. who care (might actually make the playoffs this yr though)
• WS: 1
• notable players: alcides escobar, salvador perez, james shields

✧ MINNESOTA TWINS

• [crickets chirping]
• WS: 3
• notable players: joe mauer, brian dozier, oswaldo arcia

✧ CHICAGO WHITE SOX

• i just. okay. this division is boring as hell.
• WS: 3
• notable players: chris 'creepy thin man' sale, jose abreau, alexei ramirez

✧ CLEVELAND INDIANS

• "'MAJOR LEAGUE' WAS A COMEDY BECAUSE NO ONE COULD TAKE THE IDEA OF AN INDIANS TEAM WINNING GAMES SERIOUSLY"
• WS: 2
• notable players: danny salazar, yan gomes, jason kipnis

AL WEST

✧ OAKLAND ATHLETICS

• solid team. almost scary strong when they're hot.
• LIKE RIGHT NOW
• stuck in a shitty ghost division that no-one cares about so they tend to surprise a lot of people
• emo about the 2004 trades dot com
• WS: 4
• notable players: jed lowrie, josh donaldson, coco crisp, yoenis cespedes, josh reddick

✧ LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM

• the less relevant LA team
• WS: 1
• notable players: mike 'based ball god' trout, albert pujols, cj wilson

✧ SEATTLE MARINERS

• only managed to not finish last for the past few seasons bc the astros are in their division
• one time they accidentally outbid themselves in order to acquire a player
• WS: 0
• notable players: robinson cano, brad miller, felix hernandez

✧ TEXAS RANGERS

• their win percentage lookin like an astro player's batting average
• what can u even say about this tbh
• WS: 0
• notable players: prince fielder, yu darvish, adrian beltre

✧ HOUSTON ASTROS

• lmao
• somehow managed 111 losses out of 162 games in the 2013 season. truly nauseating.
• world series champions 2k17, probably
• WS: 0
• notable players: jose altuve, jason castro, george springer, jon singleton