NL EAST

✧ ATLANTA BRAVES

• #stopthechop2kforever
• good team with fucking idiot fans, unfortunately
• WS: 2
• notable players: andrelton simmons, bj upton, freddie freeman, craig kimbrel

✧ WASHINGTON NATIONALS

• bad trades and hella injuries, but real contenders
• WS: 0
• notable players: bryce harper, gio gonzales, stephen strasburg

✧ MIAMI MARLINS

• home of jose fernandez and co.
• WS: 2
• notable players: jarod saltalamacchia, nathan eovaldi, giancarlo stanton, don't talk to me about jose i'll cry

✧ NEW YORK METS

• the 2014 mets: surprisingly reasonable
• WS: 2
• notable players: david wright [heart eyes emoji], cc sabathia, matt harvey, curtis granderson, juan lagares

✧ PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

• paw on hand dot jpg
• WS: 2
• notable players: chase utley, cole hamels, cliff lee

NL CENTRAL

✧ MILWAUKEE BREWERS

• frustrating and unexpected success
• WS: 0
• notable players: jonathan lucroy (!!!!), jean segura, khris davis

✧ ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

• i have nothing but love for this team i'm sorr y
• WS: 11
• notable players: michael wacha, matt carpenter, adam wainwright + yadier molina (p much universally regarded as the best battery in the league rn) -- there's seriously a heap of talent on the cards

✧ CINCINNATI REDS

• who tf? i honestly forget they exist all the time, they can play baseball apparently?
• WS: 5? what
• notable players: joey votto, billy hamilton, jay bruce, albertin chapman

✧ PITTSBURGH PIRATES

• would have a decent shot at winning the division if the cards didn't exist
• kind of in a weird slump atm
• WS: 5
• notable players: andrew mccutchen, starling marte, gerrit cole

✧ CHICAGO CUBS

• a parody of a baseball team
• like a drunk clown in that their penchant for losing is kind of funny but overall just sad
• the future does seem to be looking bright though
• WS: 2, or so they say
• notable players: wellington castillo, jeff samardizja, starlin castro

NL WEST

✧ SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

• the bae team
• WS: 7 [sunglasses emoji]
• notable players: buster posey, angel pagan, brandon crawford, the entire starting rotation

✧ COLORADO ROCKIES

• suspiciously good atm
• have a stupid high altitude stadium idk
• WS: 6
• notable players: nolan arenado, troy tulowitski, charlie blackmon, carlos gonzales

✧ LOS ANGELES DODGERS

• infuriatingly rich, fans have zero chill
• WS: 6
• notable players: clayton kershaw, yasiel puig, hyunjin ryu, juan uribe

✧ SAN DIEGO PADRES

• injuries for days. shouldn't be associated with.
• WS: 0
• notable players: andrew cashner, chase headley, jedd gyorko

✧ ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

• any and all successes can be attributed to paul goldschmidt's forearms
• any and all failures can be attributed to the incompetence of kevin 'worst current GM in the entire league' towers
• WS: 1
• notable players: paul go(l)dschmidt, mark trumbo, gerardo parra, aj pollock