base info

• magnus hammersmith
• he/him
• bisexual
• metalocalypse

memories

• i was from california and came from a really unstable home. the oldest of three by a good margin. i don't know if my dad was in the picture.
• my mom was really childish and would do shit like abuse substances, abuse me physically, etc. i can't really remember a lot of the details about this
• i think i moved out when i was like. well it was as soon as possible. 18-19?
  • felt guilty about it. leaving my siblings behind.
• i think i started smoking after i left. i preferred menthol cigarettes.
• massive gap between my home life and dethklok that was probably spent touring around, joining bands, making bands, them falling apart...
• because of the unstable home life i also had a lot of really unstable relationships. dethklok was not the first band i was kicked out of but it was definitely the worst.
• i was the oldest of dethklok also by a good margin. i think skwis or nathan was closest to my age and i was like 5-8 years older than him. whichever.
• pickles joined after me, i was witness to some snakes n' barrels shit somehow, and i got attached to him immediately. obsessively. he was my favorite person for a long time. i think that's part of why i was so hostile toward him.
  • we were in some kind of romantic fwb cycle of abuse situation that he probably hated.
• i really liked charlie. we were close in age and he was very good at taking care of me. i don't know if he felt the same kind of love for me as i did for him.
• william was also younger than me, we bonded over his oldhead music taste. i tried to come onto him but didn't really succeed. i think he was too homophobic HAHAHA
• can you tell my relationships were all really fucked up? crazy, the shit that abuse will do to you. crazy.
• when i was still in the band, i was receiving some sort of help. i think it was charles's efforts that got me medicated. i was on, like, a sedative, or something. big cocktail. it "helped me," but i was pretty absent most of the time while i was on them.
• that meltdown in mordhaus was not the first, though it was the last. i think that was the worst it had gotten. finally pulled out a fuckin' weapon.
• nathan punched my eye so hard it broke. i had corneal scarring and poor vision in that eye for the rest of my life. closing it helped.
  • i had to get myself to the hospital. i think i drove, but i can't remember. i hated driving.
  • i did wear an eyepatch for a little while after the incident.
• i don't remember what i did after. made money doing shit. had a shitty apartment with stains and cracks in the walls. played the occasional gig, worked some shitty retail. i never lasted long because of the rage.
• i lied when i applied to rock-a-roonie. not like they cared. they took me on.
• eventually i flushed all my pills and moved in with the assassin. i can't remember for how long. three years at least. i hated every second.
  • i had a duffel bag with clothes, money, etc. in it. i had a cd wallet and a player. i did not have much else.
  • i think i tried to keep a job while i was staying with him, but i couldn't shower and the living situation only made me more high-strung, so they fired me pretty quick.
  • we moved at some point. we were in one other location that wasn't the practice space at first. i remember sitting in the shotgun seat of his van and feeling... oddly at peace. like i belonged here, or something.
• it was physically taxing to live in the practice space. there were plenty of stairs, and the assassin and my living spaces were further up in the building, so i had to climb those fuckin' stairs multiple times a day all the time... my bed was like an old shitty mattress pad on the floor, too, which really fucked with my back and shoulders
• the assassin was very particular, very controlling, and very selfish. i had to do whatever he said on threat of death. if nothing else, he was always watching me. wherever i went.
  • i only had respite when he was working, when he allowed me outside. i would take smoke breaks on the steps.
  • i was the only person that understood him.
• i was extremely suicidal during this period. i was my whole life, it just got worse and worse and worse very slowly.
• i was infatuated with toki. he was so friendly to me, he saw the best in me, he trusted me. nobody had done that in a long time. no matter how much i sucked, how much i yelled at him, how much i hated him and myself, he was still nice to me. i obsessed over him in the same way.
• it made his capture much harder and much more damning than i expected. it made me feel guilty to do what i was doing to him.
• i did horrible, horrible things to that poor rabbit.
• and it came back to bite me. i finally exhausted all of my chances with the assassin, and he left me to die. he liked when it happened slowly. sadistic like that.
• i can't remember how i got off of that spike. i think the shock from the dethlights just moved me to prop myself up and slide it out.
• i couldn't make it further out of the practice space than i did. i was too weak, the guilt was eating me alive. i knew no one would bring me anywhere, and i couldn't do it myself. killing myself was just the fastest way for me to die.