- the phone call where i discovered the wife occurred before the events of young lust and was, in fact, the inspiration for empty spaces. my wife was the last intimate human connection i had and losing it felt like a nightmare.
- the wife split off due to this event
- i can't recall if young lust was closer to its movie occurrence (after a concert) or to the demo (something sought out). i believe it was sought out, because that was my last-ditch effort at intimacy.
- and there was intimacy.
- the groupie and i did something in that trailer.
- the awkward part about this is, like... i let this happen at 35 even though she was probably, like, 19. i really don't like looking back at it.
- she was a fan of mine. i think she used it to try and appeal. i didn't care, and honestly found it annoying, but...
- she followed me back to my hotel room. i didn't ask her. she followed me. i just sorta let her, which was a huge mistake on my part.
- one of my turns was inspired by all the questions she asked me. she was trying to pick at me and pry into secrets, and it got to the point where it plus everything else that was going on just... broke me
- i honestly barely remember the actual occurrence everything was flying by
- it WAS a manic swing though, that was what the "turn" was
- i don't even know if i was aiming to hurt the groupie. i think i would've been okay if i did, but it wasn't my goal.
- i almost actually threw myself out the window. the destruction didn't just stop at everything else; at that point the concept of the adrenaline rush as the ground got closer was almost welcoming. i didn't, though; chickened out at the last second.
- i got SO MUCH GLASS IN MY HAND. so much. So Much.
- i remember the groupie was still in the hotel room when i finally turned from the window. i screamed and lunged at her; she barely got out. i slammed the door shut behind her and only came down enough to register anything once i had done up all the locks again.
- from then on is kind of a blur. the only thing i remember from then on was taking the glass out of my hand with a tweezers; i was so dissociated i couldn't even feel it.
- i also remember writing the lyrics to abitw3 at some point. it was probably in the poem book - ratty and dismantled at the time - and i barely even registered that i was writing anything. i was clouded with anger and mania, and the song was the best expression of that i had.
- i tried to kill myself a second time- during, fittingly, goodbye cruel world. i took a few out-of-date pills i’d had and not taken for a while. i lived, but i’m not sure if i went to a hospital. i threw up a lot, through, and took a nice bath afterward.
- i think that also jarred me into realizing that the wall was being built up in the first place. not quite sure how, but it did.
sep 30 2019 ∞
apr 16 2020 +
apr 16 2020 +