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- The pandemic and the 6 month hard lockdown in the Philippines; starting the process of turning inward, the pandemic as the contemplative life nobody was ever ready for
- Leaving home for the first time in my life to study abroad. The Netherlands by accident
- Choosing to live in a dorm with fifty other people
- The winter lockdown and chaos of arriving one day before the start of a 1 year master's program
- Finding fellow alcoholics in the building, making a decision to be less careful in meeting people to survive the loneliness, attending a New Year's Eve party in Utrecht, forming winter break friendships
- Strong physical attraction with a Chilean man which started with dancing
- Stepping up leadership-wise in my master track; realizing I had a way of thinking that could help other people; I’m a leader and I’m driven the most a feminist ethics to protect and negotiate on behalf of others
- Needing and finding intimacy from badass women in the program; the same people who would show up for me in my darkest moments
- Finding myself a leader and a caring person then burning out from it in due time; while already depressed and burnt out, exerting care again and fully suffering the cost of it
- Several near break ups with Kevin
- A truth I named about myself in isolation: Realizing I'm a perfectionist (“I want to be perfect all the time”
- Another truth I named about myself in isolation: Realizing I was closeted (“I’ve been afraid of the word lesbian my whole life”) which coupled with the thesis topic existential crisis
- My brilliant friend who saw me through it all, falling in love with her and losing control; needing to go away several times because it was too crazy to be around her; talking to her through it as the gentle, loving, caring adults that we are
- Bottoming out in Berlin; submitting my thesis research proposal while crying about all that's happened: “My brain, heart, and spirit have reached a truce. The brain has agreed to work on the thesis when the heart takes a break from its pouring. The spirit is carrying me, fighting to reach the deadline." Rock bottom transitioning into a gay renaissance and the vacation I fucking deserved. I'm so happy to be alive.
jun 24 2021 ∞
nov 29 2022 +
nov 29 2022 +