Today, I went to the lake to feed the ducks. I had my phone in one hand and a chunk of bread in the other. I threw the wrong one into the lake. FML

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well, so I went to give her a "get better" kiss. As soon as I leaned in to kiss her, she threw up in my mouth. FML

Today, I came home extremely mad. I kicked a pillow on my bed as hard as I could. It wasn't a pillow. It was my cat under a blanket. FML

Today, I borrowed a novel about Sherlock Holmes from the library and detective novels are always my favorite. I turned a few pages to where characters are introduced. On one of the name, apparently someone circled and wrote "He is the murderer" right next to it. FML

Today, my friend decided to take a random picture of me and distort it with special effects. Well, the first one she chose was 'Alien'... my face didn't change a bit. FML

Today, I purchased a numbing ointment for the painful sore in my mouth. When I attempted to apply it, I accidentally spilled most of it in my mouth. Now I can't speak, close my mouth, or stop the constant drooling. My mom can't stop laughing and is taking pictures to show everybody. FML

Today, I saw a spider on my wall. I threw a shoe at it. I now have a dent on my wall and a bruise on my face where the shoe bounced off and hit me. FML

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line, waiting to pay for my groceries, I heard someone breath in...very loudly, in my ear. I turned around to see guy sniffing my hair. He beamed at me and stated, "You always smell so good." I had never, in my life, seen this man. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

Today, after waiting all day to get into my favorite band's concert, I got front row. At the end, one of them grabbed my CD and got the whole band to sign it. The last band member tossed it into the crowd, nowhere near me. FML

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML