Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? / you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth

You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.

I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"

My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners

I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.

No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.

I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"

I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?

My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco

I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.

I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement

Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love / I remember it like it was tomorrow.

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

That dog was the best thing i ever touched

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO

they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.

before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-

google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?

She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it

The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck

All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights

I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink

we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants

Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real

You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors

Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!

STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN

Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.

At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.

Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives

Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even

Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.

I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast

Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.

so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink

she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks

almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09

my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.

If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night