January

• Sleepover at the Bocs with Andrea
  • group prayer on the living room floor right after the countdown; too much ice cream and apple pie; slept halfway through FotR; got up earlier than everyone, but not so early: 1:15 PM; ate breakfast and conversed with Tita; everyone else eventually got up after Ric by 2:00 PM; watched the second half of Two Towers; watched the second half of RotK
    • extra notes of no real importance: lost bag of fuzzy peaches, broke last hairband, sneezed three times
• Vision Sunday
• getting seriously serious about independence and adulthood
• Lola leaving for Philippines for 3 months
• 2011 Buffalo World Juniors
• Pizza Friday with Daddy
• Revelation to most Guardians about December 15, 2010 and July 30, 2010
  • me asking myself how i got myself into this... mess, situation, predicament....thing i can't even give a name for
• Jan 12: I did it! I told Big G about July 30, 2010 by myself :)
• spring coat from VV
• 106% on 20th C. Lit test
• double pwned the guys in review for Lit exam (it was just me and three other guys in class today)
• THE CHILDREN OF HURIN GET MARRIED AND NEARLY HAVE A BABY WHAT IS THIS TOLKIEN WHAAAAT
• snow surprise on morning of 20th
• baptismal 23rd
• first semester exams
• skins 5 premier 27th
• books: The Silmarillion (Jan 1-20); Bonjour Tristesse (Jan 21); The Children of Húrin (Jan 24-26)
• films: La Belle Personne
• rally for Tunisia and Egypt
• 89% on Lit final (95% with bonus marks)

February

• walk to UBC, Tower Beach, stairs
• second semester begins
• crawling back into my shell
• GVYC 2011
• Annie's debut
• books: Shiver; A Gathering of Gargoyles; Pearl of the Soul of the World; Seaward; Forget You; The Maze Runner
• lotsa skipping
• classical guitar from dad

March

• more skipping
• emily jane bronte poetry
• revival meetings
  • spiritual encouragement from bro&sis in Christ
• books: lullabies for little criminals, franny and zooey, split
• start of driftwood poem
• sindai earthquake, tsunami, aftershocks
• dundarave park
• granville island busker
• 19: shadowcat bellevue avenue
• 22: ambleside swings
• chillin out at cruz castle
• films: megamind; sucker punch; battle los angeles; the king's speech; atonement; inglourious basterds; easy a; despicable me; toy story (for the 345934857th time); toy story 3 (for the first time. i bawled)
• sucker punch with josh
• babysit max
• youthopolis picnic
• kits with josh

April

• cypress with josh
• major music sess (pronounced: sesh)
• books: everything is illuminated; across the universe
• nhl playoffs!
• hannah's play :)
• 21, 23: walk over lions gate from ambleside to lost lagoon
• films: sweeny todd; the blue lagoon (both movies watched with han at her house)
• sleepover at hannah's and stalking schoolmates
• canucks eliminate chicago!!!!!!!!!!

May

• 2: R.I.P. Daddy
• BIRP's May 2011 playlist
• goodbye saxophone
• west vancouver memorial library
• canucks eliminate nashville and move on to round 3 for the first time in 17 years
• sharks eliminate wings
• russia eliminate canada in the world champs
  • finland eliminate russia
• 12/3: R.I.P Han's lola
• harry potter special features
• films: an education; finale of underworld; finale of pirates of the caribbean 3
• 14: Daddy's memorial
• aquarium with lola! (:
• dinner, dutch blitz, phase 10 at the rabes'
• dinner with the smarts
• CANUCKS ARE GOING TO THE STANLEY CUP FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!

June

• school picnic
• last week of school
  • lots of new fb friends
  • favourite person
  • first project handed in on time in forever > 100%
  • cthulhu
  • kile kile :)
• easy exams
• han's graduation
• stanley cup final
  • gorgeous evening weather
  • trout lake: 711, girls chasing ducks, lifeguard seat, drunken fishermen, sad faces, wondering where he lives
  • riots
  • citizen walls down georgia the following days
• walking through downtown with a sunflower plant
• stunning aerobics teacher at kensington
• after every workout at kensington i'm always rewarded with a gorgeous sunset and view of the city
• write for two hours at trout lake
• invite to sleepover by someone not hannah or riz
• 22. sunflower painting
  • island groovies <33333
• major room reconfiguration
• bon iver tickets
• conversation with hobo at english bay
• sleepover at shea's :)
• films: over the hedge; aladdin; mulan; 101 dalmatians; horton hears a who; x-men: first class; transformers 3: dark of the moon

July

• the emptiness, present absence
• canada day fireworks
  • "perfect time to commit suicide"
• films: un long dimanche de fiancailles; half of les egares; jacquou le croquant; ensemble, c'est tout; hors de prix; avril; un barrage contre la pacifique
• josh's new/old kia
  • impromptu hangout with josh at silvercity after church
• all new goldfish dead after two days
• summer live 125 with hannah
  • vancouver symphony orchestra
  • mrs. xiao or lookalike????
    • disgusting and expensive teryaki
  • "Jamaican Mi Juicy"
  • hannah tripping and badly hurting her ankle
  • Maya, Maya's attitude, and Maya's sister's sassy bitch friend who's gay but doesn't know it yet
  • dancing old people to Spirit of the West
  • "SO MUCH BEARD!!!!!!"
  • dan mangan show starts 40 minutes after scheduled
    • everyone singing happy birthday with gregor robertson
  • "failblog"
  • big dipper
  • light show on the trees of which the shapes resemble a certain "something", according to h; makes neighbours chuckle
  • left halfway through the show =(
• starlore handbook
• always hungry but never wanting to eat anything
• whistler, furry creek
• three compliments on my outfit
  • "you look....fantastic"
  • "i love your outfits" (referring to both han and i)
  • "i like your look. it's...so you"
• camp - jr week
  • BG <3 and humiliation and shameful eye contact and avoidance and more <3
  • upon return: "i like your tan" "you get prettier every day"
  • i am a filipino and this is what i do
• double rainbow - WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????
• "SUCCESS" "we're on the same page now"
• camp - teen week
  • wikus & i on the same team
  • decisions: get in, stay in; a year at west coast; camp 2012 a yes
  • time capsule from youth conference
  • "talents?"
  • "it looks just like him"
  • more humiliation and shameful eye contact and avoidance and more <3 for V.
  • shamefully having fun flirting with a boy four years my junior
  • N puts his arm around me about 29482934898 times
  • "i think you're the prettiest girl here"
  • beautiful cabin decorations
  • awesomest cabin mates <3333333333
  • intense bucket ball
  • impromptu late night stargazing with the girls
    • best camp week ever
• books: Two On A Tower

August

• church bc day picnic
  • ice cream at waterfront with the girls
• outreach - yes yes yes
• dinner in new west
  • prayer answered
    • opportunity blatantly given
    • opportunity blown
• youth group picnic
  • slip 'n' sliiiiiiide!
• films: jane eyre "poor, and obscure, and plain!!"; harry potter and the deathly hallows: partie deux; the fellowship of the ring (EE); two towers (EE); bride wars
• fireworks, stargazing at cypress lookout point
• prayers answered: 2
• turns out he is already committed
• reading at the beach; adorable one year old that reminded me of my cousin when he was at that age; guy sitting on adjacent log playing the ukulele; party playing tug-o-war behind my log
• 15: attempted lord of the rings (extended edition) marathon at jon's house with the boys + girl; saw dan at timmies!!!
• beach with wikus
  • enlightening discussions about:
    • wet, floating balls (in reference to the buoys that mark the swimming limit)
    • the h word
    • the m word
    • rebelling against the modesty policy at bible college
    • the act of thinking and the act of not thinking
• alice lake
  • spending the entire lake time in the water
    • tagging along abe and lester as they succeeded in crossing the lake to the other side
      • walking back barefoot, soaking wet, and alone in the shaded stony path because i was afraid of drowning on the return trip due to exhaustion
    • jonah calling me a fish - one of the best compliments i've ever received because it's close to what i've always wanted to be: a mermaid. he says it every single year, too, like he's never seen a person spend two full hours in the water. either way, it makes me bubble inside but i try not to show it.
  • beautiful bird (jay?) with plumes of black and deep ancient blue that stuck around and poked its beak at our trash - i regret not picking up that stray feather i found on the ground
  • randomly looking up from playing phase ten and catching someone in action
  • I ACTUALLY REACHED PHASE NUMERO TEN. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. and before anyone else did too. except i didn't win. BUT HEY i'm still pretty smug ;)
  • josf actually says a few words to me, acknowledges my presence when either of us approaches
  • MOY MOY!!!! and ruth <3 all so kyewt i want to be fb friends with them if they had fb; sibling speed counting in french contest; dopest accents EVARRR i could listen to them bicker in english all day long
  • roasting marshmallows like a BOSS
  • stargazing - vega being absolute boss in the night sky; lyra officially my favourite constellation
  • waking up three hours early on the last day to take a shower; did devotions; impulsively decided to sneak to the lake alone, without permission or anyone's knowledge since they were all asleep, and taking a couple of shots on film of the early morning light
    • ended up going back after only a few minutes because it was incredibly chilly and the warning of the loose cougar permeated through my conscience
• 19: long shooting star on the way home through the park
• 20: "unplug the tiger to see the stars"; sitting at the bus stop in west vancouver and trying to look up at the stars but the light pollution got in the way
• books: foundation; out of the silent planet; the little prince
• fits of despair, missing Daddy
• 22: waking up to the pouring rain and deciding first thing to go to lynn canyon
  • standing out in the open air in the middle of the bridge and getting soaked by the rain
  • moving on from my reverie, looking down the other side and wondering if i'd feel any pain if i'd flung myself over the rail
    • it feels good to just stand in the rain without barrier, without an umbrella or a hood to protect yourself from the warm summer downpour. it feels good to breathe in the mist and welcome the delicate drops as they land on your face. it feels good to suck in a sharp intake of breath as a newly formed river trickles down the back of your head to the base of your neck. all of these things are good and most importantly they keep me alive.
• going to the library and coincidentally bumping into wikus at the skytrain station. hung out together for the rest of the day. i'm going to miss her.
  • discussions at the beach about ethics, conflicting beliefs, relationships, and various matters concerning baptists, especially about the average baptist's libido and how bible college students supposedly survive bible college
• "don't act like you care" x 2 - 1 + "CLUELESS"
• bride wars at wikus'; reflection on wikus' last year of high school and how incredibly stupid it was; finally confided in me what the trouble was that happened at her grad camping trip during spring break
• 24: epiphany
• fast [5/7 days]
• ambleside, swimming, laughing, and getting super tanned with wikus
• first push up ever - i feel so phony...o_o....i don't even know why i got it. i don't have enough assets to make it worth the money anyway...good thing it was on sale
• lighthouse park with papa, new favourite hangout
• MISSION AWOL: ACCOMPLISHED.
• saying goodbye to wikus at the airport - not going to see her for another three months =(

Summer 2011 in literary phases

• 1. star atlases, cosmic literature, space fiction
• 2. classic science fiction
• 3. contemporary baltic, french, and 19th century russian poetry (all translated into the english language, of course..)

September

• 2: best sunset ever
• 4: helpful message from bro phil, possible call to the field
  • first skype chat! with hannah! i miss her :( and bocstr
• traditional labour day at the PNE with dad
  • horses ought to be wild and free, or at least the one i saw should have. he/she looked as if they wanted to cry...if that's possible
    • but then there are horses that would be a danger to humanity and to themselves if they were set free. like that horse that kept poking its nose into his neighbour's rack or whatever that thing is called
  • lonely ferris wheel ride
  • sitting atop a lovely green knoll eating nachos and watching the sun lick its blue tongue over the land
    • watching the lonesome security guard/boy watching me
  • eating too much junk food
  • die mannschaft jersey
  • finally getting some shea butter after nearly a year without it
• guy who i sold my eits ticket to had a wonderful beard and a kind sense of humour
• hipster kid in planning 10 acknowledged my awesome breakfast club t-shirt
  • same kid next day gave me a shout during check-out when i told the group i was stoked for eits
    • people who like eits actually exist in my life!
  • not that these people will talk to me in real life
• explosions in the sky!!!!!!!!
• being loud (something which i hardly get to do) and having fun with lea in english
• september harvest moon!
• getting in trouble for being loud (lois joked that she never thought she'd have to tell me to be quiet)
• just being more open at school in general
  • probably because i'm not a new kid anymore, i'm one of the oldest, so i don't feel so out of the picture and easily trampled on. plus i have th advantage of possessing a weird intimidating aura.
• after more than a week of straight clear nights, ample time of night sky observation, clouds rolled in and i got really depressed
• solved chicharron dilemma by adding salt
• only teachers understand parts of me that i wish friends could understand
• too bad they're all 50+
• maybe i need to start talking to older people more often
• hard rain sept 22
• i'm going to title my art project expensive
• this is like that time when i played a song from my favourite band at the time and hannah called it funeral music, and rizza laughed, only i didn't have twitter and listography to rant incessantly
• wikus finally replied to my email
  • i want to cry
    • a river
  • i miss her too much
  • why these trials, God, why?!!?????
• even though i officially hate facebook now i'm glad that wcbc changed their fb policy. now wikus and i can converse regularly!
• films: i, robot
• art gallery field trip: surrealism exhibition - MINDBLOWING so lucky to go for free

October

• goodbye internet....hello minesweeper and plants vs zombie champsionship!!!
• missing wikus
• solid progress on guitar now that i have the time
• odd (old?) fellows manor application accepted! lola and i may move out as early as nov 1 :D apparently the bedroom is bigger than the one i have now HALLELUJAH
  • i have been told that my bedroom has no closet o_o
• art project completed, early and on time AW YEE
  • i'm so proud of myself, because not only did i finish it on time, it was really therapeutic for me, in various ways. and a break through my artist's block. i didn't know what to do after i handed it in since there was time left in class, so i picked up a piece of paper, a shell, and a pencil and started drawing. i don't feel so critical of myself, so perfectionist, when i draw now. i am a free elf.
  • it took me like fifteen minutes to think up a title for my project (i really suck at titles; i really wish we didn't have to title them) but when jennifer went on a spiel about colour and the complementary colours that come with autumn, i decided to title my project "leaves turning" even though at first glance my project reveals nothing of a relation to the current season (all you that are reading can interpret that on your own. maybe when i get a chance to bring it home i'll post a photo of it. oh wait....i don't have internet at home...nvm)
• i'm 18. I'M SO OLD UGH WHAT IS THIS THIS CANNOT BE
• nobody remembered my birthday on facebook, which is good because it makes solid evidence that prove my theory that when people greet happy birthday on facebook they don't actually care, or even remembered. and if you don't remember, how am i supposed to believe that you care? hmm...
  • except for my dad. of all people, my dad remembered my birthday! he even sent me a message containing well-constructed english! so smug
  • but this is all not before i opened the door to go to school to find a plastic bag containing mysterious objects lying on the welcome mat
    • presents from Cas who is like the awesome
    • gave me a phone that i have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to operate
• I CAN TWEET AGAIN
• I HAVE GOOGLE PLUS! FINALLY! AFTER LIKE HALF A YEAR!!!
• 10.6: first full skipped day of the new school year. good girls need a break once in a while.....even if it's the last day before thanksgiving weekend :P
• so i have played minesweeper at advanced level more than 100+ times.....and i still haven't won one yet! gah is there like an advanced intermediate level? cuz intermediate is too easy
• packing, stressing out, packing, stressing out, sneezing, stressing out, stressing out
• skip count: 2 days
• i abhor facebook
• books: the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy (AWESOME!); the caves of steel; the naked sun
• lots of panicking
  • i'm convinced i'm going to die of high blood pressure when i'm like 35. which isn't really bad anyway, cuz i don't intend to live past 40. what's 5 years off eh?
• lots of sugar consumption
  • lead to lots of itching and scratching my arms raw
  • lots of aloe vera application to my arms
• occupy vancouver
• discovery of a new planet being born
• 28: school burns down, probably due to fireworks. it's not even halloween yet. i'm pissed off and incredibly sad. the news said that there was significant smoke damage in the classrooms, and i can only think of all the artwork that the kids put up in the hallways yesterday afternoon. all the pumpkins we brought in for the carving contest on monday. how many teachers, working families will be displaced because of the damage. how it will affect the learning environment, attendance, attitude...
• gradually disconnecting to the world, both inside and outside (doesn't matter that i have a cellphone for the first time in my life) and crawling into my shell, likely brought on by the understanding that i just don't get people and people don't get me
  • it's a strange position to be in, not being on the same page with any one of your peers, or being hundreds of miles apart from the people who do understand you. when i talk to my regular friends they make me feel old and ancient, weary and wrinkly, before my time; like i truly am the grandma that richelle sometimes gently teases me about. but when i talk to jon, who's pretty much the only guy that shares at least half of my interests and is more knowledgeable in them than i am, i feel unlearned and young, and i realise how much i don't know and need to know. i wish there were others my age who knew more than i do, who care about the things that i care about, that i could learn from, instead of having to teach others or settle for small talk and silliness.
  • i guess this is the main reason why i don't give about going to portland. i'm done. but when they ask me why, i just shrug because really, who's going to understand, or give the time to understand?
    • and if they did understand me, they wouldn't have had to ask me why
• 29: spent all night and early morning of sunday reading away anne bronte's tenant of wildfell hall. and i skipped nearly an entire fifth of the story (most of helen's diary), which i'm saving for later. only slept four hours and ended up going to church dirty, not having taken a shower, or even brushed my teeth (i know gross ugh believe me i felt like crap. it was so good taking a shower when i got home SO GOOOOOOOD!!!)
  • so far, better than jane eyre but it hardly touches my precious wuthering heights. but it's really good!!! i felt very in tune with anne bronte. i wonder if she and emily were close sisters, i hope they were.
  • I LOVE GILBERT I WANT TO NAME MY KID GILBERt
• http://bestnewtracks.com/tag/real-estate-all-the-same-mp3/
• even though i'm in hibernation, i'm trying (slowly) to learn the names of the new girls that are coming to youth group. so far i've got:
  • berlin (awesome name)
  • beverley (?) (lol i already forgot. i just call her the girl with the nice bangs because that's what yvonne calls her)
  • sam
• and, of course, there are chinks in my hibernation resolve, for instance: my newly forming bond with yvonne. since we've been doing discipleship together, we can talk more freely now. i told her nearly every detail about my family background, something nobody otuside my immediate family really knows about, and she told me about hers. and we got to talking about it only because she simply asked me why i live with my grandparents. i think i ought to try this tactic with others. just simply asking provoking questions. i think people think that because i'm quiet and serious all the time, i'm uptight, and would rather not bother me with to the point topics. but if i see that people have good intentions and are genuinely interested, i can be open as a book. and maybe there are others that are like that too, that i don't know about because i haven't tried.
• halloween related things:
  • one night got really sleepy by 9:30pm and tried to sleep but stupid teens downstairs were having a house party and half stayed outside shooting off fireworks ugh glad i left those people in grade 11
  • blue smurf on the canada line with big honking blue nose and small blue tail
  • garbage bag dragon running up the street with its tail flappin like mad
• return to xanga. find me!

November

• moved - now i am officially an odd fellow and senior citizen (at the ripe old age of 18 years)
• bought a reeeeeeeally cute above the knee dress from urban outfitters. orginally 90+, got it from the sale rack for 55. still expensive as a diamond set, and it took me a couple of walks around the store looking like i was browsing but was in fact weighing the pros and cons of purchasing this item. finally decided to buy it on the rationale that the money i'm spending isn't actually mine, but leftover birthday money from my dad. and that's the last time i'm nonchalantly walking into urban outfitters. not until i get a job, at least.
  • i wanted to puke for a while afterward. i felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world, me being a vv boutique (value village) girl at heart, yet finding myself browsing the pricey racks of the motherboard of expensive hipster trash culture
  • omword every girl looked the same
    • leggings or form fitting jeans
    • perfectly constructed dirty, messy, or wavy hair
    • perfect make up
    • knee length or midcalf boots, or oxfords, or toms
    • overbearing circle scarf
    • huge sweater or leather jacket
    • not to mention how many layers they put on, yet leaving themselves bare to the base layer, therefore negating the logic of layers to keep warm because they obviously want to show off their pearly translucent skin and bony collarbones. lol
      • then there's me, the short, not skinny nor fat, plain asian chick who doesn't wear makeup, or even does her eyebrows, with straight boring hair, wearing a jean jacket from value village with embroidery of questionable mushroom cartoons, ancient faded black straight jeans, and ripped vans, all the while strutting my library bag. aww yeee reppin the poor, obscure, nerdy chick getup
• I CAN FINALLY SCROBBLE BANDCAMP!!!! THANK YOU EX.FM AND CHROME!!!
• finally checked out the rec room of the building i just moved into (a senior residence)
  • intention for going in there was to focus on homework
  • played some pool first since there's a billiard table
  • did a more inclusive scan of the bookshelves
  • learned how to play the opening bars of clair de lune with my two index fingers, and occasionally a thumb and middle finger
  • finally sat down and worked on earth science, managed to complete 3/4 which is a good ratio, since it isn't due until thursday
  • a resident popped in her head to see why the lights were on
    • thin straggly white hair that reminded me of a harry potter character...mr. ollivander??
    • quite a wide mouth with blaring imperfect teeth, but a warm smile nonetheless and a sweet sweet voice
• wednesday before portland: no traditional drop by adre's and get eyebrows done, no last minute packing, no setting alarm for early in the morning, no worrying about location of passport and lola's permission form and travel insurance
  • sam absent, so discipleship was just me and yvonne; for the first time ever i explained my testimony in its entirety, in a surprisingly cohesive manner that even i managed to understand for once
  • people kept asking me if i was going and why i wasn't
  • people not understanding (as per usual, no surprise there)
  • people passive-aggressively guilt-tripping me (as per usual, no surprise there. baptists are skilled guilt trippers. like i used to feel terrible every time i was confronted, but now people do it so much that i just shrug and brush it off my shoulder like no big deal. y'all just milked it too much that you've negated your own tactics. believe me, people, every single point you've brought up against me, i've probably mulled over it a million times more than you have, to get to the conclusion that i've reached, so why do you even ask when you know that what's done is done?)
• secretly, i don't want to graduate. i love the school that i go to, and the classes i have, and the teachers i have. they're all just awesome and that place has either been a direct or indirect cause of the learning trips and growth pains i've had in the past year and a half
  • 09: stayed behind a little in science to finish up questions and when everyone left, ashley asked me how the reading was going. (cuz he knows that i'm an avid reader, and he was my lit teacher after all) i told him that i was only reading poetry at the moment. one text i'm reading is tennyson's in memoriam (i explained that it was an on and off thing. you'll have to know the poem and its history to understand why i said that. and it was actually ashley that introduced me to it. a couple of weeks after my grandpa passed away i received a card in the mail that contained condolences from all the staff at school. ashley included a short excerpt from in memoriam and ever since then i've been reading it off and on.) i also told him that i was reading walter scott's marmion, because it was mentioned in anne bronte's tenant which i was reading a couple of weeks ago and actually i need to finish that up...anyway, so i was curious about this marmion and checked it out from the library. he told me that walter scott was the author of his era so it wasn't surprising that the brontes were interested in his work and referred to them in their own writing. then he went on about how dickens then became the big man on campus succeeding sir scott and asked me if i had read any dickens, to which i admitted i had not, although i do have a couple of his novels in possession
• remembrance day ceremony
  • meditation, crystal bowl thingamajig
  • reading aloud the poem "appreciation"
    • because all the messages were anonymous, i still wonder who'd written it
• committed the most serious sin of my existence yet:
  • skipping out on the annual portland trip
    • i am looking forward to see how much flack i'll get on sunday
    • not
    • whatever gotta deal with it, it was my choice
    • and who knows maybe nobody noticed
    • anyway, i'll marry whoever understands why i didn't want to go
    • oh no wait i can't marry God woops
• sometimes i wish i wasn't a reader and observer and thinker
  • that i would only care about cameras and ipads and laptops and video games and how to be a good businessman
  • because then i would know less and be happier
  • i wouldn't be carrying the burdens of a human being that died two hundred years ago
  • i would spend more time talking to people instead of reading about them
  • i would watch tv like everyone else and know what they were talking about, instead of reading independent news and have nobody understand what i'm talking about
    • sometimes i wonder if this is the way God made me to be, or if it's a product of my circumstances
    • and if this is the way God made me to be, why?
    • and if it is all the product of my circumstances, could i change?
    • would i want to?
• using the copier at the library for the first time was fun
  • (that's how bleak my day was)
• low
• trying to explain to Diego that Jesus is God, Jesus and God are one
  • a cartoon Earth suspended in black matter showed up on the tv and Diego exclaimed that he was there, so was church, and me, and Mama, Papa, with the planets and stars..
  • so for the fun of it i asked him, "and who created the planets and the stars?"
  • Jesus!
  • yes, God created the planets and the stars
  • no, Jesus did
  • Deegs, Jesus is God, God created them
  • no, Papa Jesus created them
    • lulz. i can't wait until he gets older and his speech develops
• no flack; instead, understanding
  • of all people it was mrs. smart who understood
  • well at least the part about my grandma, which was the one reason i gave when she asked my why i didn't go
  • probably because she's a mom of teenagers herself
• 7 teenagers got saved in one sunday
  • like say what
• a girl i subscribe to on xanga wrote about how loving, then breaking up and moving on to a different love is the saddest thing ever, but also the best. how couples that fall in love and share their minds and bodies and promise to love each other forever, might fade away from each other one day and find other people to share their minds and bodies with, and promise the same things they promised to their previous loves. "it's the saddest thing, but the best."
  • but what about love that doesn't fade?
  • what about those couples that reach their 50th, 75th anniversaries?
  • is that not the best?
  • sounds like coping mechanism at work to me
• ms j inviting all the girls over
  • had a sweet sweet time with the girls
  • connected with ashley which made me much more happy than i let off because she's basically the only one from church or at least outside of school that understands my past of skipping school, evolution of our thought process as we mature from young adolescent to young adult (especially from an alternative school kid's pov), and just not being on the same page with friends
  • like it was just so good to unburden myself and to physically see someone nod at me and know that at least some of what i'm saying is registering in their mind, instead of seeing them watch my mouth move but know they have no idea what i'm talking about
  • we've agreed to text each other and meet up once in a while to talk or do whatever. knowing how...diverted from the beaten path my experience was/is, i can't wait to hear her story
• 17: first fall of the 11/12 season
• so my best friend who's going to school in california texted me saying that today she sat in a field reading a book about a christian love story and letting God write our love stories, and advised me to read it
  • lol
  • lol
  • she's the flirt, the one who made out with her confused gay friend, always talking about boys like they're already married
  • then there's me, the boring bookish mousy girl who was never without a crush but always expressed my disdain for the lot i've been dealt and that i was going to wait
  • i know she's reformed and all (like she's going to a bible college of her own accord for pete's sake) and that she means well and she's so excited about this new concept, but i can't help but to just laugh at the irony of the situation. like it blows my mind how different everything was just a year ago.
  • but i guess i'm taking it too seriously. she probably advised me to read it only because the story is apparently really cute
  • i would hope so anyway. do i come off as the type of girl to marry just any guy? lol
  • i'm so proud of her for finding her way tho. i hated seeing her lost
• 25: dreams - 1) living with lola at previous residence; we (or was it just she?) were supposed to go somewhere but when lola walked out she came right back in because a notice was left on everyone's door saying that we needed to go to a funeral because our venezuelan neighbour committed suicide; while we were getting ready i heard the voices of kai and his mom right outside our door, because apparently they were our neighbours and they were also getting ready to go to the funeral; somehow kai was left with us i think but i definitely remember his mom going ahead of us because she left her cell phone with us and i gave it to her when we met her at the funeral; so we went to the funeral/memorial, which was held in a spacious cafe of modern architecture, now that i recall it, the building reminds me of the vancouver convention centre; i was more interested in looking around at the place, and i don't think the funeral even started before the dream dissipated and segued into the next one; i remember pointing out to lola that this was the cafe of something but i don't remember of what or why i was pointing it out to her; then i remmeber looking up and realizing that every floor (it had three high-ceiling storeys) had its own cafe; so we were in the ground floor cafe. 2) daddy and i living above a sleek new bookshop in downtown and the only way in and out is through the bookshop. in one instance i broke down because i thought daddy was dead and i was pounding on his bedroom door (or was it our suite door?). lola not in the picture
• lots of not wanting to leave home
• oh and lola bought a ticket to the philippines. she leaves december 25 and probably won't return until just before the ticket expires, which is three months after
• set off the fire alarm like thirty minutes after lola left to go out; surprisingly i didn't panic that much
• films: arthur christmas; bahrain: shouting in the dark << i urge those reading this to take the 55 minutes to watch this video, it'll be worth it
• "JAN! SOMEONE PAID $2500 OF MY SCHOOL BILL! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO ITS FROMMMMM! OMWORD! IM SO HAPPY! GOD ISS SOOOO GOOOD" - text i got from wikus on 11/11/28 04:21 PM
• had good vibes that monday hannah texted me. i couldn't tell if they were real or psuedo. i felt terribly light, tapping my feet wherever i went and bobbing my head to the beatles, but i don't think it was enough to penetrate the ground that covered the river
• naaa na Na NA NA NA NAAAAA
  • NA NA NAA NAAAAAA
    • HEY JUDE
• intense question period with God and bible/science studying

December

• can't believe it's already december. i remember when it was february and march and i was still having trouble writing 2011 instead of 2010 on my homework
• lost tampon virginity
• my grandma has no patience with my mom at all
  • so i guess it's a good thing that she's half mental because i don't think she notices it all
  • whereas i notice it too much, and get offended on her behalf
  • except i'm half mental as well
• with all this communication with hannah, i'm leaning heavily towards wcbc now and my interest in faithway is far from me
• surprisingly not failing any classes
• gained so much weight
• chestnuts remind me of sleeping tarantulas inside a shell
  • if i ever get a pet tarantula i would name it chestnut
• facebook is stupid, if it weren't for hannah and my family, then i would have stayed deactivated
  • i think once hannah comes back i'm going to deactivate and just tell famjam to email/text/call me instead since it's not like anyone communicates with me on facebook anymore anyway
• getting down on your knees and bowing your head and just talking to God and praying for other people is like a breath of fresh air or a plunge into glacial water after an period of inconsistent devos
• 4: first time ever lola opening my door without me noticing until after she asks me what i'm doing and i look up to say "umm i'm praying"
• i am fat
  • remember when i ate and felt like puking? couldn't enjoy any food, even my favourite? well now i won't stop eating
  • gained six pounds since october
  • wearing skirts and dresses depresses me now because they accentuate the fatness that protrudes from my abdominal region. that's why i look so scrub when i go to church on sundays
• i often wonder and anticipate what it'll be like when hannah returns from her first semester at bible college. will she look at me as i looked at her when i was the regular christian and she the party girl? we haven't necessarily switched roles since i'm basically still the same quiet and bookish girl, with the same morals, as the janise that was a year ago. but i remember early last year when i went through that phase of drastic changes while hannah stayed the same person. she was confused as how to react to my ways and it was an uncomfortable time in our friendship - we hardly knew each other anymore. but surely this is different. i think (i hope) that instead of one always being a step or two further down the path of life, that finally we'll be able to walk side by side.
• twice in planning either genny or lois asked the class who was religious
  • yesterday i put my hand up, and lois asked what religion - "christian?" i answered yes
  • so my planning class now knows for sure that i'm a christian, since the first time lois/genny only asked who was religious
  • now only if i was given opportunities like that in a setting that included the whole school
• there are unicorns and dragons in the bible
  • (well they're actually wild oxen and jackals)
  • somebody needs to make a biblical game, maybe rpg? lol i'd totally get into video games if there was a game like that
• i was scrolling through this list and my eyes landed on august camp decisions. "give a year to west coast". well, it seems like all that trouble about faithway was pointless. hello, west coast 2012/2013
• i don't know why i told my optometrist that the book i was reading in the waiting room was a children's book. funny thing is though...later while we were in his office, he remarked that it looked short in length, and then asked me if i enjoyed reading children's books often. my uncertain first instinct was to question if he was playing at me (considering he knew i was 18 years old), mocking me; yet he was so straight-faced before, during, and after the exchange of words that i assumed he was serious and making small talk as professionals do nowadays with their patients. but when i reached page 100 (halfway through this apparently YA FIC novel) this afternoon, i began to rethink his words and wondered if he was not mocking my age at all, but my words. i was the one who offered it was a children's book, yet if you take a glance at the body of book it clearly isn't a childrens book, but a novel. maybe he was really just playing the same game i did, except he knew he was playing and the game has become my reality that there is no distinction for me. maybe i'm thinking too much
  • but for me it's interesting to meet people with that certain quality
  • it's like interacting with myself, seeing how my mind works, floating in front of me, detached from my body and concealed in an unprecedented disguise
• it's weird stumbling on someone's listography and realising they're following my lists. basically if anyone out there reads my listography (not just takes a glance at the page, but actually reads the lists) they can know me way better than anyone in my personal circles. but i'm glad listography doesn't show you whom has favourited your page, though.
• hannah's home! and she's still so funny and quirky and the hannah that i love and missed!!! i think she got funnier, actually. especially now that she spews scripture and christian jargon here and there and everywhere
  • bruce, hannah, maya, and i somehow managed to fit in the back seat of her dad's car on the way to her house
  • all four of us hung out in her room until 1am when bruce had to leave for work but i stayed an extra hour in which hannah proceeded to do highly entertaining impersonations of a few of her professors. hadn't laughed like that in a while. she really needs to do some kind of acting or theatre one day. so much talent
  • hannah referred to me as a best friend. it's.....new. three years ago i used to yearn for that position. especially since she's such a social butterfly. but over the past year or so i've become such a recluse and dependent only on Jesus and myself, that it stopped mattering to me. it's nice anyway. makes me feel less useless
• oh the drama!!!!!!!! it's weird how hannah and i fall back to each other now when drama arises in our circle of acquaintances. it's such a relief, though. and it's strange too, because it used to be us who had issues with each other.
• i swear all the seemingly good meek and humble christians are associated with more drama than we could ever expect
• films: howl's moving castle (english sub (DUB IS TERRIBLE)); love actually; princess mononoke; whisper of the heart; castle in the sky; spirited away; grave of the fireflies; arrietty; toy story 3 (again)
• hour long search for princess mononoke in jap with english sub online
  • kevin: how can you not find a link for princess mononoke???!?!?!
  • according to him i'm "not nerd enough"
• last day of school before winter break (ever)
  • tons of fun bickering with kevin. like every other sentence is a playful jab at each other. favourite person from last year remains my favourite person
  • made candles, put a ribbon on the gramophone and brought home all my ceramics project including my mimic masterpiece and palette
  • fell asleep in first block
  • i walk into the art room and naeem's just sitting there chillin and being all zen and spiritual and stuff and he asks me to come over. he holds up his hand for a high five and i give him the heartiest high five ever and that was it.
  • as i was wrapping the candles i made ashley walks into the room and wonders if the candles were scented. i put the candle i was in the middle of wrapping up to my nose and smelt it, then ashley bent his head down a little and i brought the candle to him
  • while i packed away my backpack jenn comes up to me to talk about wrapping. then she tilts her head to the side and gives me a strange look. in my head i was like "....what...", then she finally goes "you know, you have the most bright and shiny head of hair!" in the way only jenn can say. she's great
  • a girl - i can't recall whom - told me that leela was out in the hallway. so i literally sprinted out of the art room, ran to leela and gave her a huge bear hug
  • as much as i want to get out of that place and whisk off to freedom then college (the opposite of freedom), i am going to miss the people at total. i love and appreciate them so much, really. the day that i start writing thank you notes is going to be a melancholy day indeed
  • came home to find three donated boxes filled with food taking up my kitchen floor. genny told me to expect a basket with a turkey. but not all this! i am basically set for the next three months while lola is away. God is good!
• 19: best sunset ever
• lol i actually started to feel bad about being (or seeming to be) the more worldly one
• it's strange, finding out important details about your closest friends from other people. you're like "wait a minute....i don't remember them telling me this." and then you realise they never told you anything even though everyone else knows. lol and i bought y'all christmas gifts too such haters can't even talk to me
• deactivated facebook indefinitely. email me at e-dava@hotmail.com
• being fat with a small bust disproportionate to the rest of my body is incredibly awkward. i'm wearing a cute dress right now but too bad it can't help the wearer be cute as well
• lol @ guy who takes a picture of himself holding up the finger with a nativity scene in the background. yeah so cool so jealous i wanna be just like you
• major shopping spree at value village i don't think i've ever spent that amount of money in one shot just at vv boutique! i'm crazy but the pieces were all beautiful. now i just need to figure out how to fit all of this into my closet and drawers
• teen christmas party 2012
  • not much happening except reconnecting with richelle and opening another portal by unknowingly exchanging ornaments with mark like what even
• taiwanese chicken and noodles at sunflower with hannah after wednesday night service. YUMM
• i swear the lack of male eye candy around here is making me go lesbian
  • like i don't even know any guys whose personalities i'm attracted to, either
  • can't wait to go to bible college and savour all the fresh meat
  • gonna go hunt some nerds who are faithful to church, read poetry and like romantic anime
• i like how everyone's getting into dubstep now. well not really because if they had gotten into it before summer when i was into it then maybe we'd all have been partyin it up in my room but no when i posted dubstep on facebook nobody knew what i was talking about. and now i'm too mellow to enjoy the genre anymore
  • wobwobwob
• bright night with lola the day before she leaves for the philippines
  • saw miriam, diego, and angelo on the bus there
  • saw two kids from my school on the bus home
• lost the ability to cry
  • i used to mourn over my unfortunate abundant ability to cry, but this sudden forgetfulness terrifies me to bits
• hot water system in hannah's entire house messed up so after nearly three days of uncleanliness she came over to my place get clean
  • then we went to metro, intending to watch the girl with the dragon tattoo, but that plan failed because the place was PACKED and all the seemingly good movies were sold out. i still bought popcorn, though, and unashamedly stuffed my face while we walked around metro, looking dejected
  • timmies. tim winkleman look-a-like is a hawt tamale
• failed attempt at getting into make-up. i just don't have the skin for it. i swear with just foundation i still manage to look like a drag queen. with eyeliner it's worse! TERRIBLE. like there is no way for me to keep a natural look with makeup. until my pores ever decide to shrink, i think i'll just stick to drinking water for now. but maybe i'll keep the mascara and brow pencil
• 12:00am Jan 1, 2012
  • mark texts me saying, "JAAHHHNEEEESSE HAPPY NEWW YEEEEAAAARR"
  • listening to 'that's what grace is for' on itunes with my headphones on
  • bowl of popcorn, bag of chocolates, and can of coca cola all empty
  • first new year of my life spent alone. there's been a lot of firsts in the past week, all experienced alone, as usual

Things I learned in 2011:

• Waiting on the Lord, even for the simplest matters, can bring you so much joy in the end
  • Just waiting in general brings good fortune
• I am 100% unsure of my future but I don't care
• People of the same faith have different convictions about certain things and that's okay
• There are more ignorant attitudes in the church than I had first taken into account (or at least in the leaders of the church. i'm only a lowly sheep, but i don't think it's good for the shepherds to be so liberal in stating their opinions as if it were fact, that don't even reflect or back up any scripture, in front of the flock. but they're just humans after all. i guess when you're in power you don't fully comprehend or take into account what every single word or action can impress upon those that look up to you)
• Despite rallies for tolerance and diversity frequently held all over North America, I don't see much, if at all, being shown towards some groups, e.g.: Aboriginals from the land that we now call North America (like zilch, zero, nada recognition. to be honest, I think that 0 recognition is worse than the constant, open attack on religious groups), Christians, Muslims, the mentally ill, homeless people (0 recognition here as well)
• This world is not my home
• Lola needs me more than I need her
• I'm not the only one who prays, fervently, yet comes away feeling empty
• that there's an answer for this
• I can actually take care of myself and be on my own, despite having every of my immediate need taken care of ever since I was born, despite being told that I'm lazy, useless, stupid, a princess, etc.
• There is more to anime than InuYasha, Gundam Seed, Bleach, fantastical costumes, anime conventions where people in costumes play the circle hugging game, etc
  • The Japanese understand character development, which, when I find it anywhere, is something that makes my heart flutter since I'm such a psychoanalytic freak and all
• Without Jesus, I don't know how Mark and I or Hannah and I would have ever became friends, or stayed friends for so long. Even though we have much in common, respectively, we have a lot that we don't. Like sometimes it just puzzles me when I think of how many times there have been such disconnect between me and either of them. Things about me that doesn't click with them, things that I don't understand about them, etc. But I wouldn't have it any other way. The thought of meeting someone like me absolutely terrifies me! Although, I do like to imagine that the man God has for me is somewhere in the middle...
• The more I learn about God, the more I don't understand Him. lol
• I need to speak up more when Hannah talks to me because oftentimes, or pretty much every time we talk (er or uh she talks), I get so swallowed up in her life that it doesn't even feel like a conversation anymore. Like I'm thankful I'm useful in that I can be somebody to hear her, and she does have interesting things to say and stories to tell, but to be honest I don't remember the last time I said more than four sentences of my own expressed thought at a time.
• I'm never going to be the perfect friend for someone, Mark, Hannah, or whomever. I'm never going to be the listener as well as party girl. I'm not going to be the serious and witty friend, I'm never going to be the wistful and booksmart girl. I used to cry over that, but now I don't care. Because I'm starting to realise that nobody has ever been that perfect friend for me. I don't think that perfect friend exists in the body of a human at all.
• It's okay to drink pop. Especially when you're depressed.
• Having a strict devos schedule is detrimental to my health. At first I always tried praying, then reading scripture, then finish praying. But now I like to mix it up. Sometimes I'll start off in scripture, then pray. I always use discretion in figuring out what I should do, though, not decide on whim. It all depends on my spiritual condition at the time: If I'm super hungry for spiritual food, I'l read first. If I feel like I can get through praying without getting distracted, I'll pray first, etc.
• Executing detailed plans is unheard of in my life, nor will it ever be a reality for me. I still make lists on what to do and such but I always leave knowing that I'll probably return home with a drastically different picture.
• Hannah is a talker - she wears her heart on her sleeve - but I sense there is more depth to her. I mean, everyone knows there is depth to Hannah, to anyone in general, but I think there are depths than even my super sensitive psychoanalytical antennae can detect. When I first realised this I became frustrated, because I like to figure out people like they're puzzles, especially Hannah because she's the most complicated puzzle I've encountered, but now I just let it be. Just like it's okay to put down a book down when you're only halfway through, or three chapters in, I've come to accept that I don't have to finish every puzzle in the giant book of Sudoku.
• girls at West Coast are really shallow concerning their opinions of couples on campus (why they even have opinions is beyond me, unless of course one party of the said couple is a jerk or something opinion-worthy like that)
• Facebook is absolutely useless to introverts like me
• I feel like I've experienced every feeling there is to experience and I wouldn't mind going home right about now
  • but I must admit, I haven't experienced the love between a man and woman in marital union and would like to
  • even though I honestly would not mind going without ever attaining that knowledge. but I believe God hasn't taken me home yet because of that reason
  • the only thing is, I'm only 18 and still in high school
  • so I'm pretty much waiting
  • waiting
  • waiting
  • hopefully it will be a good ending
  • and if it doesn't happen, that God will take me home soon
• listening to Christian songs past midnight gives me depressive symptoms and induces thoughts that can be a hindrance to my pursuit of sanity

My 2011 in music

• top album: beach house - teen dream
• top soundtrack: le fabuleux destin d'amelie poulain
• top artist: the beatles
• top composer: giacomo puccini
• top track: beach house - lover of mine
• top 2011 album: real estate - days
• top 2011 debut album: sad souls - apeiron
• top beatles album: the beatles (white album)
• top 2011 track: pandr eyez - little bit
• top christian song: that's what grace is for
• top beatles track: yellow submarine
• top billie holiday track: strange fruit
• top explosions in the sky track: the only moment we were alone
• top hey rosetta! track: hospital beds
• top classical track: debussy - clair de lune
• top aria: puccini: tosca - recondita armonia (franco corelli, alfredo mariotti)

Top Ten Films

• castle in the sky
• howl's moving castle
• spirited away
• whisper of the heart
• horton hears a who
• un long dimanche de fiancailles
• avril
• x-men: first class
• toy story 3
• princess mononoke

Top Ten Books

• God's Word
• The Silmarillion
• Two on a Tower
• Fahrenheit 451
• Out of the Silent Planet
• Le Petit Prince
• Across the Universe
• Howl's Moving Castle
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
• The Rough-Face Girl
• Franny and Zooey

anyone who reads through every single point of this list deserves a trophy