January

• 02. visited inday and the kids, finally gave them their presents; turkey was good; first experience with that kind of falafel - not bad at all
• i feel like a foreigner in my own family
• when i listened to haydn's no. 62 string quartet i was like "hey i know this tune!" but i couldn't pinpoint exactly from where i'd heard it. at first i thought it was either a hymn or christmas song, then when i googled it i found out that it was germany's national anthem! had a momentary facepalm moment right about then
• i don't know why i'm not into metal. i like everything that's right on the border
• world juniors - so many shivers in the last 15 minutes of play in the canada vs russia semi-final
• i'm kind of homesick for a country to which i've never been before
  • i can't listen to 'i'd rather have jesus' when i'm home alone. i get in a depressed mood when i do and lose all motivation to do anything except pass the hours sitting in one position
• 06. i hate living alone. i like the independent part of it, not having anyone to cook for me, clean for me, baby me, nag me, etc. but before daddy died and now that lola's gone, i always went out, usually no matter what the circumstances were, because being with people, even when i'm not in the same room with them, exhausts me. and when i went out, i discovered so much, i thought more, wrote in my diary more often - wrote of substantial things. i found the pieces to myself when i didn't have apartment walls around me. but now that i have the place to myself, i never go out. never. i sleep, eat, and waste time on twitter. i can't even bring myself to read books or make bracelets and my diary is suffering from neglect.
• given up this whole life-long best friend syndrome and take everything for what it is
• crazy stuff goes down in vancouver at night (drunken catfights on the canada line)
• 07. so i removed the drain cover with the normal screwdriver that i found by chance two nights ago. what i discovered and cleaned up thereafter i will never speak about to anyone. i couldn't find one pair of cleaning gloves so i used the old kitchen scissors and a rag and when i was done i threw both of them out. soiled. MY HANDS ARE SOILED AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  • now i'm just waiting for the comet to seep into the tub so i can once again clean myself in a healthy environment
  • plumbers deserve their high pay
• 09. vancouver symphony orchestra @ orpheum
• 10. 'Where have you been?' 'Home. Sleeping.' 'Is your grandma home yet?' 'No.' 'I knew this was going to happen. Don't fuck up!' - Genny, my 60+ youth and family worker, whispered furiously at me during our first meeting after I finally showed up to class succeeding a five day absence. Lol i love her she's great
• luc always notices when i'm gone for a long time. and then has to announce it in the hallways for the whole school to know
• i'm passing all my classes!@!!!!!!!!!!!! in two weeks i'll be done with high school FOR LIFE. AWW YEEEEEEEEE
• 11. waning moon looming over the horizon on the bus ride home from church. too bad it was cloudy the night when it was full
• i'm going through that phase again when my noon is at 10pm and 10pm is 4am. like i'm just sludging through the day as if i were doing an all-nighter but once the hand strikes 10, i'm alive. it's really bad. good thing i'll be done with school in less than two weeks.
• 14. waking up early (7:30am) for the first time in about two weeks; childcare meeting; taking an unsatisfactory two hour nap; forced myself to go out, died on the skytrain; airport; metrotown: wandering around like a nomad, going back and forth, rediscovering the abundant cheap treasures the dollar store has to offer (lightening of mood could also be attributed to the fact that i listened to the year of hibernation during this time), avoiding timmies; bus ride home: slumping down in my seat, sitting up after realising it had just started to snow; got off a bus stop early so i could walk the rest of the way in the flurry; clumps of snowflakes clinging to my hair, one of my most favourite things in the world
• shivering in the cold waiting for bus after school, entire body tensing and contracting, difficult to breathe, dizziness, no sensation in extremities
• 17. rebecca by daphne du maurier came in the mail, the day after dear fred was found in the same place; all you can eat japanese with yvonne and hannah; i want to marry my heater
• 19. chillin at hannah's the night before she leaves for second semester at bible college; driving to annalyn's to pick up a ginormous suitcase; khen being funny; khen showing me funny videos with depressing lyrics; khen watching my little pony; captain america; youtubing our childhood music phases from selena gomez to backstreet boys to britney spears to ytv hit list to good charlotte to fall out boy to mariah carey; watching hannah dance to every song, sing every word to each song, laughing at her, at times singing along; my first time really handling an itouch/iphone (took a picture of myself for the first time in a long time); around 4am hannah started packing everything up, including the laptop, so afterward we just lounged on her bed (well i kind of laid face down in the blanket and half slept) and had a period of silence; then when she expected annie and her family to come pick her up any moment we relocated our silence to the living room and 3/4 slept; once her mom woke up han said it was okay for me to go so i left; walked home, boots crunching in the fresh snow. i thought daylight was breaking but i realised it was only light because of the clouds and city lights and blanket of snow everywhere. went up the usual alley i take from hannah's but noticed a solitary pair of canine footprints so i decided to take kingsway instead
• films: captain america
• 22. first time in my life deep frying chicken on my own
  • it's 10pm. i have two exams tomorrow. i have to be at school by 8:45. that means i have to be up by 6:30 the latest
  • i'm hungry
  • apparently mrs smart is taking me grocery shopping this week (all i really need right now is laundry detergent (and milk-only gift cards (if such things exist)))
  • and then she's going to show me some cooking moves, and possibly some baking moves
  • i'm hungry
• 22. in which janise tries to fry chicken and the smoke alarm beeps for an hour and a half
• 23. in which janise learns how to detach the smoke detector from its battery
• in which the toilet descends into the dark clutches of dementia. i now have to manually flush the toilet every other time. like manually manually. as in i have to lift the cover of that back part and move whatever that thing is for the water to start running and filling up that back part so the toilet has water to flush with
• 24. grocery date with mrs smart
• being around regular folk makes me realise how incredibly gauche i am in my thinking, ideals, and outlook on life. i think my english teacher is the only person who understands where i'm coming from when i say that i don't want to go straight into university after high school, and that i just want to take a one year course at the community college so that i can get a solid job so that i can get some money so that i can travel. travel being the main goal. and then i'll go to university. adults tell me that i should go to university early so i can get a degree and land a good job. "because it opens up a lot of opportunities." the thing is, opportunities for what? to get a good job? to become a workoholic? and to what end? to get a house and a gourmet kitchen and a shiny new car? to travel everywhere and stay in 5 star hotels and eat at 5 star restaurants? to travel only two weeks at a time in a year for holidays or benefits? thanks, but no thanks. really. when i'm abroad, i want to backpack, hitch rides, stay in hostels, sleep on strangers' couches, camp under the stars, use public transit, walk, live meagerly. for months at a time. you don't need a degree for that. and even if i go into university, i'd be taking english literature, which you pretty much can't use for anything. i don't want to settle too early if you know what i mean. i want to be free, then settle; not settle then struggle to break free. i do intend to enroll in a university, though. just not now. in my late 20s, perhaps. i know people who are going when they're in their 40s, and even in their 60s. so what's the rush?
  • lol i'm such a romantic. this is what happens when you've had a lenient upbringing and discovered how to abuse your library card priveleges
  • so basically if you want your children to be successful (whatever that means) in life, don't ignore them
• now that i don't have school anymore and will start shopping for a job as of tomorrow, i plan to do this very soon for moby dick and i guess everything else i'm in the middle of (without the 'do not disturb' sign, of course, since nobody else lives here...except for the fruit fly that got lost from the kitchen and wound up in my bathroom, and obviously doesn't know how to get back out. i don't even understand why it's still alive, honestly. all its relations drowned themselves in the kitchen soap dish)
• 26-27: some frantic, deep soul searching in the word of God. praying unceasingly. Exodus 3-6. 3:7 "..I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows.." genuine meltdown while reading the first part of john 8, after the interview between Jesus and the adulteress where he tells her "Go, and sin no more." i honestly don't know how to cry. i can cry in a tantrum, in despair, but they're selfish cries and often forced. never have i wept freely without reserve, without art, on my knees, crying real tears, because of God's infinite love and mercy. well maybe except for the time i got saved. it's different every time God reveals himself like that
• my 2012 resolution (first time doing this in a looooong time): reply to emails as soon as possible
• 27: mom shows up with her new phone (whose phone number i just realised i forgot to ask for. but i gave her mine so wudeva) then she shows me the other phone she got as a compensation. which i opened and played with around and once i realised its potential to be a relief in my lack of communicative mobility i immediately begged her if i could have it. now i am a proud owner of a samsung galaxy that just nearly works like the itouch i've wanted. IT'S SO PRETTTTYYYYYY
• Bon Nuit Part I
• Bon Nuit Part II
• the night i got the new phone the wifi in my building went all cuckoo and now i can't surf the internet at home. i have now been forced to copy the songs i want in a new mix onto a usb drive and lug it over to the library and sign into 8tracks there. #firstworldpain
• 31: I GOT A PLAN. LOL LIKE WHAT EVEN. THANKS MOM!
  • apparently incoming international calls are free (are all incoming calls free?) so the first thing i did when i left kingsgate mall was to text hannah my number and to CALL MEEEEEEEEEEE. and she did. and we talked for 3 hours 3 minutes and 2 seconds
• 31: true fact: i would have been chopin's biggest fan. chased him down until he loved me. i would have been his paparazzi. like straight up i would have given up MY SOUL to him. so it's probably a good thing i didn't exist in his time because i guess that's not a very proper thing for a young Christian girl to do

February

• Aunt Hagar's Blues
  • okay so i would have given up my soul to chopin but i'd've have definitely kept something for art tatum's right hand I MEAN HIS RIGHT HAND IS WORSHIPPABLE
• dinner with the conners and company
• i just don't have the build to be a hardcore gamer, or gamer at all. i've been on the computer half the day long ever since i finished school, been sleeping late, getting up late, or hardly sleeping at all and right now I'M DYING. i can hardly look at my phone even. but it's all good. i doubt any gamer would want to marry me, nor would i want to marry a gamer anyway.
• 04. it was one of those days...
  • 1. at 6:57am i awoke to a possessed phone that rung continually - on 'rooster' mode (why i chose this alarm, i dunno (actually i do know: to do this very thing. lol. but, of course, not so violently)) - and did NOT show me the usual pop-up giving me the option to 'snooze' or 'confirm', so i just fuddled around about 97% still asleep, until after a few painful minutes i finally had the mind to just shut the entire thing off
  • 2. timmies on dunsmuir, library, same routine, yada yada yada; felt like i was pregnant with an ocean of mulch in my womb, wanted to slash open my guts; bought a vpl postcard hoping my dedication to my beloved library will amuse hannah when i send it to her
  • 3. skytrained home instead of taking the 19, didn't want to miss my laundry schedule; from broadway to nainaimo on the skytrain i decided that i would skip laundry (again) and do it after church because i really REALLY wanted to watch the sunset (it was clear sky). didn't want to turn back right away so i went home, it was still early, only around 2pm - i had about 2 and a half more hours until the sun would set - and didn't even turn on the computer. i've been having chronic headaches all week since i've been on the computer until 2am every night and then oversleeping. i didn't know what to do. it was sunny and i was feeling crappy, so i took out my guitar and spent nearly half an hour tuning it (lol i'm so out of shape) and attempted to do some light practice with incredibly short nails
  • 4. around 3:30 i left for the airport with only enough money for busfare and maybe a drink, stayed there and watched the airplanes lift off the runway long after the last rays of sunlight stretched over the island mountains. finally cracked open c.s. lewis' perelandra that i've been holding for about a week, but after a few pages i decided my heart wasn't into it anymore and that i should return it to the library. spent a lot of time just sitting and thinking and mostly questioning, and went straight off into a tangent to somewhere really beyond familiar territory. i mean, i've given it thought before - often, actually - but never so serious as i was this time. tried to scribble some of it into my diary and form a kernel in my writing journal, but it didn't amount to much. my wheels kept turning faster than the product could reach my hand and i ended up with a lot of unfinished sentences.
  • 5. finally got up to leave but when i reached the canada line station to buy a ticket, i was astounded. 6.75 for a 1-zone ticket!!!! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!!! then i realised how i've never been without a monthly buspass when i went to the airport to hide-out. i only had about two toonies and a couple of quarters with me, i didn't even have enough money in the bank to use my debit card, and now that i think of it i could have used my gift credit cards, but that's stupid!!! just for a single ticket? yeah, right. so i made the long trek back into the airport and sat down by the haida gwaii statue and sent a distress signal to my dad via cell phone. (i carry around a smartphone but i can't even afford busfare lol) so he graciously agreed to pick me up and i waited about an hour until he finally called saying he was stuck in traffic around boundary and marine. i wasn't mad, though, just hungry - at least i knew i was going to be home that night. so nearly a half hour after that call, he finally arrived and took me to silvercity richmond
  • 6. so we were cruising down the highway and my dad said that he would buy me a february bus pass and my spirits lifted even more. then after a short silence, i noticed orion looming above the horizon, kneeling upright, a glorious sight. the first time i saw orion his back was parallel to the southeastern horizon at 6pm. at this time it was nearly 9 at night. i leaned forward in my seat and discovered the moon hanging almost directly above orion. i literally felt like i was flying in space, heading towards betelgeuse! i told my dad that i could see the moon and he too leaned forward to look at it and it was great.
  • 7. movie. dad decided to buy a large combo, which i'm still trying to stuff down my throat at this very moment. that was probably the most graphic film i've seen yet. it was one of those movies that make me go 'ah' instead of *headshake* at the rationale behind why a lot of christians believe we shouldn't hang around movie theatres, but that's just a freebie. i go anyway. cannot resist that popcorn. good movie overall. it was like sherlock holmes, just darker, and current. and the detective part was only a fraction of the movie. there was a lot of filler stuff, and subplots introduced and left open. but it being the first installment of a series, i can see that the producers just wanted to lay the groundwork. other thoughts: i'm so much like lisbeth salander it's not even funny. but i don't know if the character in the movie is a true reflection of the one in the books, so who knows. looks like i need to request some books at the library.
  • 8. in the middle of the movie, i noticed that tom started to seep through. cannot imagine what the seat looks like with the lights on. had to take off my sweater and tie it around my waist, looking absolutely dorky, but i didn't care. it was 12am already. explained to my dad on the way to the car what prompted me to take off my sweater and while we sat and waited for the engine/motor/interior/carthingywhatever to heat up we had a lengthy discussion on menstruation. it was hilarious. like it was a legit discussion. with my POPS. of all people. and all the way home we just talked and talked and it was genuine talking (although, it was the usual *other person* doing about 94.5% of the talking and me doing 100% of the listening) then somehow we began talking about clubbing and filipino clubs and langley and concerts and fake ids and vancouver in the 90s and how on the second floor of the bay or somewhere in downtown there used to be a place where 14/15 year olds would go to get fake ids. he talked about youth and curiosity and i told him how i can't wait to turn 19 so i can finally go to ANY concert i'd like to go to, and go clubbing i guess.
  • 9. went to 7-11, bought a bus pass, HALLELUJAH, dad gave me an extra $40, and then i finally got home
  • it's weird how God blesses me on days that i miss my devotions. it's like his way of blessing/humiliating me at the same time. but every time i pray i ask for him to humble my spirit, and, well, he answers.
• 06. yvonne calls me around 11am - while i'm still in bed, embarrassingly - and tells me that her manager will give me an interview the day after. i have to bring in my resume. and i also have to go on the site prior to the interview and apply. I HAVEN'T DONE AN INTERVIEW IN FOUR YEARS. FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK TO MY OWN FRIENDS.
• 06. starbucks application = check. interview = pending. DUN DUN DUN.....
• the more i think of the prospect of getting a job and having to work with people, the more i realise how unlikeable a person i am. like how did i even get like this. how do i become personable?
• so i officially do not have internet until the 28th. i am surviving.
• woke up early to go to the laundromat only to find that i picked the ONLY day of the week they open four hours later than usual
• interview was okay. meh. yvonne told me her manager was gay but he....was hot. DON'T TELL HER. why so hot though....
• managed to do laundry, fold clothing, make packing list, enjoy an iced capp and donut, AND go to the library to catch up on social life ON THE SAME DAY OF GVYC. i feel so productive
• addicted to this 'einstein's logic' app. i should get a shirt that says I ♥ logic puzzles
  • i can't do math, like not even 23 minus 8 simple kind of math, but i can do logic
• the skeye app is probably the coolest, though
• i think i'm the only teen not excited for gvyc. like i'm looking forward to it. just not...super excited. this is my 6th year, after all. i'm probably going to be the oldest there. i didn't even remember it was this week until mark asked if i remembered to pack my toothbrush. i just want to hear good preaching that's all.
• GVYC 2012 - best year ever
• whitney houston pronounced dead at beverley hilton hotel
• tacos and brownies and beauty and the beast at annalyn's with basically the entire female population of the youth group
• nursery sunday after gvyc. elliyah is too cute. i tried my best to speak french to her for most of the time and i was surprised at the amount (though little) of the language i still retained, considering that i haven't been in practice for about...three years. i think she half understood me, at least. when her mom came at the end of service she asked her how she was doing, which i'd asked her earlier, so she must have understood me...sigh. i miss french. my strongest subject ever. i tell people that but they're all like "that's because french is easy." but really, i just love french. my grandfather was french canadian. nobody gets it.
• wow. okay.
  • so i'm at the library the first time after GVYC, catching up on interwebz social life, also here to do some craigslist job hunting. just after i finish up my regular round of listography, facebook, twitter and before i went on to type craigslist in the browser, my phone embarrassingly vibrates on the desk and my neighbours turn around their heads to look at me. following my first instinct, i decline the call. then i decline it again. then...i type the number in google search and my eye catches more than one entry with a description containing the word 'starbucks.' so i quickly log off the computer, briskly trot over to the payphone section of the 5th floor and just as i reach the farthest booth my phone vibrates again. who is it? none other than ben. manager of starbucks bentall centre. AAAAHHHHHHHH. "i would like to offer you a position.." "how do you feel about that" "i--i'm thankful" LOL i suck at communicating anything but hey it was the truth. i really thought i wasn't going to get this job. i mean really i applied to this particular starbucks location out of desperation, but only halfheartedly, the other half was to honour yvonne's offer and not seem like i'm picky since everyone at church keeps reminding me that she could help me out. this is the busiest starbucks in vancouver after all, and it is IMPERATIVE to have an outgoing personality (of which i am not even close to having). i am totally up for the challenge, though, and yvonne is the one who'll be training me. i know she'll be tough on me like she would on anyone, but at least i know her. and God wouldn't have given me this job if i wasn't equipped with the tools to do it. i start on the 27th, two weeks from now, and he said that it would sound good if my schedule was 11-5 monday to friday. which i have nothing to complain about.
• i should probably call my family and tell them i got a new phone
• on the canada line reading moby dick, in the middle of the part where ishmael and queequeg board the pequod at dawn on the day of departure, and somehow the name 'starbuck' comes up. i love it when my reality and my literary life coincide (somewhere a portal to nantucket mid-1800s materialises)
• came home from a boring day on the town to greet a gorgeous sunset. venus and jupiter revealing the sun's trail, even after it dipped below the horizon. i just sat on top of a picnic table at the park and delighted myself in the beauty of God's artistry. i remembered my skeye app on my phone and it was perfect. it's really sensitive to magnetic disturbances so i just faced the sun which i knew was below the horizon already and found venus and jupiter and other stars that i couldn't name at the time, finding them through their position relative to the sun. it was really fun. didn't care if i looked mental slowly waving my phone around
• it's strange what desire will make foolish people do. sometimes i'll have a moment of wonder when i think about how fickle some people can be. especially girls. they'll get all excited about this boy, tell all their friends, talk about how marriage will be like with them, have the names of their children already picked out, etc. then they tire of the boy after a couple of months and move on to the next, doing the whole "he's the one" act all over again. really
• discipleship with yvonne at this japanese restaurant on victoria and 49th. really good food as usual but i wasn't wearing the right jeans for it
• after church on wednesday, all the girls conglomerated on the steps (which seems to prove a bold leap in evolution of our post-prayer habits. previously, we'd just huddle between or around the auditorium doors and eventually clog up a main artery, but some of us have gone on to sit down and converge on the steps) and i think we were all talking about various subjects. all i remember was that one girl said that she hated this particular subject after it came up in the discussion. quite morbidly i thought to myself, "aha!" because she's known as a super-achiever in academics. then she went on to say "it's one of my worst subjects, i always get low 90s." REALLY. lol like has this chic even heard of a fail? i've gotten quite a few of them. i seriously cannot imagine what it's like getting straight As and actually making an effort in high school. it's not that i think it's a bad thing, it's just not for me and way beyond my comprehension. anyway, if any one of us girls had to fail at high school, it's a good thing it was me, since i had the most lenient upbringing. i can't see the others dropping out of school, or at least for the same reasons i did
• no bread in my house = dying. i've got nutella, crunchy peanut butter, butter, BUT NO BREAD
• myles has got to be the most PRECIOUS baby living right now like omeword he's so beefy i can't get enough of it LIKE HE'S GOT NO NECK SO KYEEEEEEEEWT. ms j holding myles and crooning at him is such a beautiful picture of the love of a mother for her child. makes me anticipate being a mom, but i don't even know if that's going to happen. i'm glad i've gotten over my fear of carrying babies, though
• on the way to superstore i got to talking about west coast and education and ms j was like "it's a bummer that you had to stay behind a year but.." the thing is, it's not a bummer. i'd have thought people already knew, but dropping out of school in the middle of grade 11 and wasting those credits was a choice i made of my own volition. i didn't have to stay behind a year - i wanted to. i could have easily caught up in those last two months of grade eleven, but i chose not to. and i don't regret it at all. so who's it a bummer for, really?
• rizza officially gets engaged - finally! goodbye, friend that could have!
• Psalm 1 memorised
• i'm rather grateful that i no longer have internet at home. i don't think i would have been able to establish a devos schedule that i can consistently adhere to if i did. but of course having internet can be really helpful in other ways...like when i need instructions on how to properly defrost frozen chicken, or how to treat a cold when i don't have medicine or any money to buy medicine
• i started moby dick in november (i think) and i just passed the 100 page mark. i've just begun the section where melville spews a 6-10 page description about the different types of whales. WHALES!!!!!!!! the book description on the back says "the book is written in an extraordinary variety of styles, from sailors' slang to biblical prophesy and Shakesperian rant" and they really mean it. i mean you get EVERYTHING in this book. i can't even describe it. i've got like 300 pages more to go and this book is already becoming one of my favourites.
• another example of various elements (that usually exist independent of each other) of my life intersecting: february is black history month; abigail lent me a biography on sojourner truth, subtitled "american abolitionist"; and after gvyc i borrowed a cd from the library on piano blues which predominantly feature performances by african americans; and i just watched forrest gump for about the 2938429348th time! (lol i know it isn't really relevant but hey i've always wanted to try shrimpin)
• lol at english speaking people attempting to pronounce and write french names. it's great how many variations you can come up with for a single word. you've got the classic canadian english butcher (that will never fail to ignore the value of diacritics) french. the southern-ontario-influenced french. the years of british french teacher french teaching french. the multilingual french-canadian grandfather who can easily distinguish between quebecer and parisian french and prefers parisian french french. etc. it's like french class all over again. man i miss french so much. and i miss my grandpa...all that french!!
• Amadeus - watched this on tcm last night. trying not to burst out laughing as i watch this compilation in the library. it's really hard
• Lola finally sent me a text message!!!!!!!!!! she's alive!!!!!!!
• 27. first day at new job
  • still trying to figure out if i want to cry or not
  • it's been 45 minutes since i got off but my heart is still pounding from anxiety
  • i think it's the coffee i had to drink, though, and the fact that i'm a complete coffee NOOB. this rush is definitely different from the iced capp rushes when i first started having them.
  • so weird having your discipler also be your starbucks trainer. when people say "don't take anything personal," hearken!
    • okay this feeling of wanting to cry was only my first coffee high
    • crash hour and a half later. it's really bad. kill me now. now i don't know whether or not i want to cry or puke or gouge out my eyes and then stick a pair of tongs up my nose and pull out my brain
• lol hannah and her unpopularness
• snoopy is from charlie brown. or peanuts. whatever. either way, if richelle and i were keeping score, i would get a point.
• von made me redo the mocha like 3 times. dump, rinse, do it again. dump rinse do it again. so straight-faced too. but it was only my second day, first day on the floor, and she's making me learn everything in a week when the training process is supposed to take two. can't be too hard on myself.

March

• new job, information overload, anxiety, i want to go back to school
• Ms J's - good food, myles is too precious. i absolutely adore his fatness, double chin, and non-existent neck. i hope he never gets skinny. march bus pass blessing
• God is so good
• Lola comes home the 30th - i can't wait to eat properly again. i only cook a proper meal once a week now. surprised i haven't fainted yet. that lizzie mcguire episode of miranda thinking she's fat and fainting in lizzie's living room keeps flashing through my head
• films: war game (2001)
• war game: i've never bawled my heart out during a movie more than when i first saw this. like i was literally weeping. after howl's moving castle, this automatically took the #2 spot on my list of top ten favourite films. then spirited away, then wall-e. what's with me and animation?
• the week before revival meetings i was super excited. come revival meetings: meeeehhhh. i was scheduled in nursery for two revival services, so basically i missed it. all that early excitement? gone. it's beginning to frustrate me because this isn't the first time i've found myself complaining about my schedule. i was in nursery sunday after portland and forced to miss the testimonies. i was in nursery sunday after gvyc, forced to miss testimonies and wasn't even given the chance to share my own. now i've missed two crucial revival meetings. like does maricon even notice this? does anybody give an ounce of thought that this could be affecting my spiritual condition? obviously not. no. "oh exciting event at church coming up? oh we need extra workers in the nursery? oh yeah janise is really faithful and she isn't all that exciting anyway so yeah just put her in whenever yada yada yada yada" so all the men who don't have to do nursery, y'all better hear hard every single service to make up for this chick who apparently doesn't need revival.
  • anyway bro goetsch's message on metamorphosis was good. at least i got to hear thatcheck. i used to be worried ai need to hear some preaching
• so i got my first starbucks paycheck last friday. all of it gone by sunday. well not all. i transferred half of it into my savings account. but the other half? gone. on food, tithe, offering, and taking my mom out for the first time because i never get to do that. lol. i went into some savings too. to send hannah money from her mom (because her mom doesn't understand the ways of snail mail). 200. her mom sent her 200. how much did i pay to send express? $24. the things i do for that chick, honestly. the things i do for everyone!! i take care of your children while you sit most of the time ignoring God and making up your checklist for the following week!!! for free!!! anyway this is the second time i've sent her money through express. so that's like nearly $50 there just to send MONEY. lol
• can you tell that i did not have a good day at work?
• so both of my dvd players are officially out of service. same with my "home entertainment" laptop. and now i only have about 25 channels. life? what's that?
• new beach house track is so gorgeous. and so beach housy. i wanna cry. i've been waiting for new material for so long. it's like they've been dead for two years!!
• haven't read poetry in a while, and i decided that my reading life was pretty boring since i seem to only get into moby dick on the bus ride home. so i cracked open my collection of emily dickinson poetry and it was good.
• bummed that i'm not going to able to see barber of seville at queen e :( all sold out
• i need to make a radical change in my diet right now, to accommodate this work schedule, or i am legit going to be diagnosed with some kind of eating/stress disorder in upcoming months
• i don't know how a mousy camera shy, painfully photophobic girl like me ends up with two best friends who publish themselves everywhere shamelessly. not that it's a bad thing. but like. what. if this is preparation for me for THE ONE true attractive opposite.....
• yvonne and i just went ahead and decided to do discipleship after work/at work since we close together.
  • "if we do, are you going to judge me"
  • lol. i just laughed. i'm glad she's real enough to be real with me. usually people are careful about what they say around me, because that's what i do around people, but whether you're silent or boisterous, public schooled or home schooled, yvonne will be straight up with you.
• right before i left, yvonne asked if i partied with hannah back in high school since she did know that hannah partied. and i straight up said no. she thought that her query might have put me off and went on to reassure me saying, "well i knew that once you guys hit grade 12 you'd be doing all that stuff. i know. i was seventeen once." after leaving bentall i thought about it some more. i think i legit skipped being seventeen. i think between being fifteen and sixteen, after reading wuthering heights, after discovering good literature, philosophies, poetry and passions of the romantic era....the idea of partying and being with people who party and drink and pop pills and boast about how hammered they were, being friends with people like that, seeing and talking to them daily...disgusted me. to me, then, discovering art and things that kids my age then would take more years of schooling to learn about on the level that i did on my own, was a giant leap in the development of the quality of my life and mind. and these kids that practically regressed mentally made me want to dissociate myself with them entirely. and hannah was at the centre of it all. and after thinking about it, about halfway between bentall and the library where i am sitting in now, i realised that the true reason why i dropped out of school, the reason that nobody will ever understand, was hannah. i truly hated her then. i just tell people that i hate windermere. but i hate windermere because her friends were in it. because she was in it. because they represented the opposite of what i was, what i never wanted to be. and hannah the more because she was supposed to be a Christian, because she was the one who invited me to church, who lead me to knowing Christ in the first place. i don't hate her anymore, obviously. but there you go. maybe i was seventeen after all.
• you have no idea how many times i've replied negatively to yvonne when she asks me if i'm going to the library. and then somehow i end up at the library.
• jessica told me that mika said i'm going to be hot when i grow up
  • truly flattered
  • but i'm already grown up
  • there's no getting prettier for me
• sunny's gone =(
• dreamt i chewed on a mouthful of bedbugs. spit it out into a cup and it came out brown and crunchy and stuck together like a mouthful of mnms would. not all of it came out though. stuff stuck to my teeth and on my gums and under my tongue like chocolate does.
• hunger games: terrible. i want to forget i ever read it. catching fire: better. mockingjay: terrific.

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