• as I sit here and circle

my fingers over scars I question why happiness doesn't come with an instruction manual.

• June's midnight downpour intrudes

and licks my bare skin without permission the scent of worn out times

white knuckles digging into freckled skin imploring for innovation

if I could shed my skin or peel it away I would arrive redesigned

under new circumstances maybe I could learn to love myself again and then maybe I could love you too

it is only until the damage is done that I realize it is June and life is more brusque than we apprehend

• A slew of words were thrown at me,

they said you held her and dance until the music stopped. Seven months ago I was draped in your arms under a skin that wasn't fitting to my bones. I needed and adjustment, and to you that meant infidelity was the glorified route. Little did I know that your blood stewed pure sacrilege. Your fingerprints left indents carved into my arms like callouses. I hope you're pleased with the cards you've been dealt.

• you have a lot of layers, and for that I think you are beautiful. and even thought I feel as if you've grown unhappy or dissatisfied with me, I still dream of the day where I'll be able to kiss your sleepy eyelids or run my fingertips across your skin. I see the potential and strength to make it to the day where we can feel each others scars and refuse to let go. that day will come, eventually. and we will be absolutely beautiful.

• she may not have seen what I see in you, but I, too, fell in love with you. and it didn't take long. I'm not one to lie; I'm jealous of the charm they have over you, your heart is craving an adventure from the emptiness it suffers. you had me by my heart strings when I saw the way you held your cheek after you smiled, how you gave me hope over our small talks and had me nervous from next to nothing. you became a part of me somehow, because it seems that when the heavens rain over your head they pour over mine. I can't quench enough thirst to let go. you could kill me and you know it too.

• send me good morning texts
• take me to waffle house early in the morning for breakfast
• make me dinner
• drink chai tea with me
• cuddle with me and watch movies with me

• "I've been thinking about you. I've been thinking about that kiss. I've been thinking about how I should have made it a better first kiss than that. I've just been thinking about you."
• "How would you feel if I wanted to have a relationship with you?"
• "It's so frustrating and I need to make a decision in my life, a big one. I'm telling you this because you're the only one I've been able to talk to and not feel judged. After all the years I've known you, the experiences we've shared, you are awesome :)"
• "I'm laying a lot on you, I know. I'm making this decision for my own good. I'd just like to know you're still there when I need/want you."
• "I would want the first minute of this new year to stand still if I was there with you, just so the year would last longer....

• being sick
• having a sore throat
• feeling hazy
• having an english test tomorrow
• being bored to tears in photography class every day
• having to make decisions
• my skin :(
• being way too fucking shy in dance class
• i just want to sleep forever
• i can't think of anything else

• i don't like being online when you're online
• i hate that you still have ways to contact me
• i hate that i still think you're really cute
• sometimes you still make my heart skip a beat when i get online & see you
• but usually i smile when you get offline because then i don't have to worry about being tempted to say hi
• i try to ignore the fact that whenever you talk to me, i still consider trying to make things work
• but then i realize that i'm really silly & i let the optimistic side of me take over the realistic side
• i wish you would read this
• maybe you do?
• either way, i don't really think it would change your mind

• turn my sevens into twos
• speak up
• stop taking shit from everyone
• cut a lot of people out of my life
• turn my rings into roses
• don't give a fuck
• forget what emotions are
• focus more on art, less on people
• turn the twenties into ones

• someone to pick my brain
• someone who will surprise me
• good morning/good night text messages
• someone who doesn't get mad/jealous/upset easily
• someone who isn't insecure, manipulative, or a tool
• someone with good taste in music, preferrably Bon Iver <3
• someone with good morals & interests
• someone who is ok with cuddling
• someone who isn't clingy, but cares a lot about me & shows it
• someone who isn't abusive, physically or emotionally :(
• someone accepting & loving & caring & non-judgmental
• someone who preferrably doesn't do drugs
• someone who likes art more than sports....fuck sports all together really.
• someone older than me

• replace this text with your list
• begin each item with an asterisk

• I don't know what's stopping me

from telling you how I really feel, sweaty palms and rippled heartbeats.

To put it simply: I can't wait forever, I'm impatient and incredibly stubborn. You are beautiful but you don't see things the way I do.

Please don't tell me sweet things unless you really mean them because I will shoot up your words and they will stay within my veins..

When you're over the past you'll know where to find me because holding onto this sliver of hope is wearing me d o w n. Maybe you'll get it this time but I don't expect much.

• You have been a trigger

to me since day one. And I can't blame anyone else for pushing me to the point where I can no longer bend, I can only snap....

• who are you.

what are we. where are we going. will you stay with me?

the less you show the less secure I feel.

• I felt a fleeting spark the second I realized that you lost interest in me.

The burning ache in my stomach rose up into my ribs and filled my lungs, leaving me breathless.

I tried so hard to hold onto every last moment. And though we hadn't much, you still meant something to me.

I knew that the instant you were gone you wouldn't be coming back. I had to accept that. I'm alive, my vitals are still working. I need you to know that I'm okay.

• I talked to an older gentleman last night

and he spoke of his attract to properly groomed eyebrows and rabbit-shaped teeth.

I guess it gives me hope that someone out there will find and appreciate the beautiful quirks in me as well.

• I am the third to last snowfall of the month,

the intricate snowflake on your tongue, the transition of longs nights into early mornings, and winter blossoming into spring.

I am the glowing embers in your fireplace, your cold, wooden floor in the morning, your crinkled footprints on the front porch, the icicles on your rooftop watching over you at night.

When winter's days were growing old, she turned to spring and spoke with such disdain, "You've planted flowers in my heart." and he smile and brought her golden days.

• should there ever be a day where I stop biting the inside of my cheek so hard it bleeds, a morning where I wake up and I'm not craving nicotine, a night where I can sleep for longer than 20 minutes, please know that I'm ok. until then, please never let a day pass where I'm on my own, because I'm not ok.

• tired of being sad
• tired of just wanting to lay in bed
• tired of mixed emotions
• tired of not hearing from you
• tired of wanting to down anti depressants
• tired of things not working out
• tired of feeling tired

• having a crush :3
• dance class
• actually going to school for once & doing well
• listening to Beach House & Tyler, The Creator
• feeling successful
• having nice lotions & shampoos!
• peanut butter & jelly sandwiches
• so many other things

• listography, because i can't really vent on tumblr anymore.
• my hair when it's curly
• complimenting people
• warm brownies & tall glasses of milk
• sunsets
• long legs
• beautiful people
• big eyes
• simplicity
• cleaning my room
• showers!
• looking forward to the future
• hawaiian pizza, melatonin, & cold water
• pleasant surprises
• good scented things
• i can't think of anything else right now

• annoyed
• used
• overwhelmed
• nervous
• like i should never trust one again
• mad
• really fucking pissed off
• happy, rarely
• amorous, rarely
• smarter about myself
• ashamed
• like i should throw my laptop out the window
• like i should never put any faith into the human race
• like crying
• depressed
• anxious
• weird
• emotional
• emotionless

• Fascinating Discourse Chum
• Riveting Fable Comrade
• Intriguing Anecdote Brethren
• Perpetuating Argument Colleague
• Sweet Saga Yo
• Waste of Time Jerk
• Spellbinding Reiteration There My Chumly Companion
• Phantasmagorical Novelization Oh Great One
• Interesting Intellect Imbecile
• Trepidating Boar Fetus
• Ballin’ Gossip dawg!
• I hear dat shit

• I don't chase after anyone.

I was born with good self control. I can go days without eating and weeks without talking to you, but that doesn't seem to bother you. some days I want to be your center of attention and soak up your words like sun rays. other days, much like today, I couldn't give less of a fuck - just like you. no progress is being made, and I put in too much. I guess that's where we leave this.

• my phone read 6:48 AM

and i wanted to text you "good morning :)" but my brain refused to let my fingers spell out how much I like you.

I awoke groggy and confused and unlocked my phone but there still weren't any messages from you. what was I expecting? you must've been a dream.

• I'm sorry my eyes were

fixed on you from across the parking lot but for the first time in six months your arm lightly skimmed mine without you noticing and it left me with this feeling that won't peel off of my skin in the shower. I guess that means you're still on my mind and that your relentless fists are still constricting my heart.

• I had to learn the hard way that money doesn't buy happiness, makeup doesn't mask anxiety, alcohol won't fix your relationship, pills can't cure depression, moving won't get rid of your problems, and you can only sleep for so long.

• it started with a T, the toilet where she threw up everything ugly to feel pretty. next came the R, her best friend; a razor blade she could skim across her skin when she was alone. I, ice water as cold as her heart to help her burn calories. double G, graceful and gossamer were the words she used to describe her aspirations. E was for an everlasting light, a drive that pushed her harder than anything else. and now we're back to another R, one that spells out the words TRIGGER across her forearm when she locks the bathroom door.

• stop biting my nails
• play piano more (or at least try to)
• cut down on smoking....maybe. or just quit. maybe.
• try to be a better person altogether
• get in shape
• learn how to cook
• more will be added later

• i'm tired of sleeping alone at night
• i have a doctor's appointment monday
• i think i'm getting blood drawn on monday also :(((
• i think Cults are going to become my new favorite band
• i really love hanging out with my cousin because we're terrible together :3
• i love dance class
• i really can't stand who aren't vulnerable/afraid of rejection
• mixed signals are dumb
• i have had such a shitty headache all day
• i still have a cold too :(
• headache + cold + insomnia = dick
• i just experienced a minor nose bleed
• i talk to myself way too much when i'm home alone
• i'm lonely

• my afternoon cardigan
• my evening sweater
• my midnight parka
• my 2AM jockstrap

• the way you put me down
• the way you remind me of my father
• how every time i talk to you, i feel like crying
• how i waste so much time on you
• how hostile you are because you're turning me into a really nasty person
• trying anymore
• feeling helpless
• how i feel completely alone when it comes to this, no one understands
• how mad you get at me, especially how easy it is
• how i feel
• how naive i am
• you.

• Gift card for Forever 21
• New bed sheets/comforter set...or a gift card to somewhere I can buy stuff for my bed....
• Art for my walls...or another gift card so that I can buy art...for my walls...
• Lights for my room
• New plugs for 7/16ths
• Giftcard to Sephora
• Toms!
• A new flat iron
• Some nice smelling shampoo/conditioner