- "find what you love and let it kill you." i found what i love, who i love, and sometimes i felt like that love would kill me. if we didn't see each other for more than two days i felt like it would kill me. but it put more importance on the time we had together, we had to make the most of every single second, because soon we would have to get in the car, and we'd drive back to my parents home, and you'd walk me to the door and kiss me goodbye, and i'd be stuck there for the rest of the week.
- feeling stuck, and then suddenly not feeling stuck, as soon as you'd pull in the driveway, because i knew you'd take me to where i wanted to be, where i belonged.
- the night you started to take me home, because i had work two towns away in the morning, but it was snowing so hard, that i told you to turn around. you said "yeah, let's go home" and i felt like my heart would burst, i was so happy, because i knew you meant that it was our home, even if i hadn't moved in yet. when i told you i didn't feel at home in my parents house anymore, and you told me that my home was with you.
- the night i was sad, because i felt unwelcome in my house, but i said i didn't want you driving all the way there just to get me, but you and your friends drove there anyway at 11 at night, and we stopped and got slushees at the gas station. and then we went to your house and watched master chef with your mom, and suddenly i felt welcome.
- the afternoon you said you'd take me to your house after work, but you got out thirty minutes before me, and when i asked what you'd do for that time, you said "sit in the parking lot, being in love with you" and i could feel my eyes go wide and my heartbeat pick up, because it was the first time i'd heard you say those words. and when i mentioned it, you said to forget i'd heard it, i think because you thought it was too early, and thought i'd get freaked out, but i know that you meant it.
- the afternoon maybe a week after that, when we were sitting on the couch in my parents living room, and you muted the simpsons to tell me that you loved me. and you specified that it was "in love with, love you" because you'd already said you loved me, but that it was different than being in love with.
- the first time we spent the night together, you came over after work, and we put on pacific rim in my bedroom, and i couldn't sleep, because i could never sleep with someone else in the room, and we had to be quiet because you weren't supposed to stay over. i was so afraid of what my parents would say to me in the morning when they found out. they still don't know we planned it, they think that we just fell asleep watching a movie. leaving my room in the morning, and being attacked by my sister "what is he doing here?!", saying we just fell asleep, it was accident, her saying "he can't be here!" like he was some random person off the street. "he's my boyfriend." "oh, good for you" me running back to my room, waking you up, telling you we needed to leave. being afraid of what one of us might say to my sister, being upset at my sisters unfounded hatred of you.
- crying, absolutely sobbing, feeling like i couldn't breathe, so often back then, and you'd hug me and talk to me and try to make me smile.
- a shitty old truck, a green coat, the smell of cigarette smoke and cologne, slicked back hair, meijer blue and khakis, a blue plaid blanket on a tiny bed.
- feeling distant from my family, like they were suddenly treating me like a different person, feeling like they thought i'd betrayed them, as if by choosing to have a life, instead of just going to work and home and being miserable, i was choosing to not be part of the family. feeling unwelcome in my own home.
- still feeling as if i no longer belong, like i betrayed my family by choosing to start my own, like they've washed their hands of me, accepted that "oh well, she's got her husband now, she'll have a family soon, guess she's not part of ours anymore"
- especially feeling this way from my sister, and her complete inability to acknowledge that the man i married even exists. knowing that in her mind, i have betrayed her by 1. getting married before her, 2. getting married at all, 3. having a life, and someone who loves me, and not being as lonely and miserable as she is.
nov 4 2017 ∞
oct 30 2019 +