- I miss home so much, that at times i just start crying upon the realization I will probably never return.
- I have a strange obsession with suicides. While I would never attempt it, I often fantasize about ways to kill myself. The slashing of my left wrist is a pretty consistent one...
- #2 makes me feel really guilty.
- I often feel that i ❤ Ant more than he loves me. I figure eventually he will be sick of my crazy & leave me. He will leave for someone else, like he did to his ex with Melissa.
- I feel like I will never be really happy, I will forever be tainted with the slight aftertaste of depression. It has been this way since I can remember... I can't imagine It will ever change.
- I ❤ my cat. Loving an animal this much seems wrong, because If I had to pick between Mr. Bean & some of my friends, I would pick the cat without thinking about it twice.
- I am really really lonely.
- At times, Ant makes me feel really really dumb... like nothing i have done is really worth the accomplishment. Like I'm not smart enough to do certain things.
- Other times, Ant makes me feel like I can do anything if I just set myself to do it.
- In the last few months when Ant gets angry & just starts spewing insults... I think about leaving.
- #10...I would never leave him.
- I know I am mentally Ill & wonder often it is more serious than i am let on.
- I look utterly disgusting naked.
- When I go to the gym I avoid looking at myself at all costs. At times i exercise with my eyes closed just to make sure I don't accidentally catch glimpse of myself in the mirror. I am really disgusted with myself.
- I am not as angry with my dad as I used to be.
- I fantasizes about when Maruchi will finally die.
- I really have no interest in ever having a relationship with Maruchis kids. to the honest I find them kind of insufferable.
- I really wish Ant would just get over himself & buy me flowers sometime.
- I am terrified Ant will never be comfortable with my family.
- I am afraid of the emotional Pandora's box that will explode when Ant decides to go find him family.
- I wish Ant would go find him family.
- I am really dissapointed at myself for not making art. It produces a lot of self-hate that i just gave up.
- I hate the fact that I'm 29 & have accomplished nothing. I feel like a compete failure. I feel like a looser.
- I wonder often how my life would differ I I had followed the 'Maria Reyna Path".
- I am terrified of being old & alone.
- I used to write & make art everyday.
- I have absolutely no idea what makes me feel so sad all the time. I just am.
mar 11 2009 ∞
mar 14 2009 +