• "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart"
• "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia"
• "The IT Crowd"
• "The Colbert Report"
• "30 Rock"
• "Dirty Jobs"
• "Iron Chef" and/or "Iron Chef America"
• "Mythbusters"
• "Chopped"

• spiders of any kind
• poisonous snakes
• scorpions
• voles
• ferrets
• snails
• eels
• macaques

• bouillabaisse
• paella
• cioppino
• steamed mussels
• linguine and clams
• vegetarian lasanga

• Requiem Mass in D Minor , W.A. Mozart
• "Hallelujah", Jeff Buckley
• "Untitled", The Cure
• "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right", Bob Dylan
• "The Blower's Daughter", Damien Rice
• "Mothers of the Disappeared", U2
• "Worse To Live", Matthew Sweet
• "You Had Time", Ani Difranco
• "I Will Follow You Into The Dark", Death Cab For Cutie
• "T.B.D.", Live
• "We Might As Well Be Strangers", Keane
• "Instant Death", Beastie Boys
• "Washing of the Water", Peter Gabriel

• Cindy Crawford
• Robert Smith
• Simon Gallup
• Porl Thompson
• Mister T
• Ani Difranco
• Shirley Manson
• Butch Vig
• Gordon Gano
• Madeleine Albright
• Connor Oberst
• Yo Yo Ma

• What Is the What: The Autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng , Dave Eggers
• Always , Nicola Griffith (begrudgingly)
• Andersonville , Mackinlay Kantor
• Lust And Other Stories , Susan Minot
• Jarhead , Anthony Swofford

• "The Girl You Lost To Cocaine", Sia
• "The Park", Feist
• "Turn On Me", The Shins
• "Decatur, or, Round Of Applause For Your Step-Mother!", Sufjan Stevens
• "Every Little Bit", Patty Griffin
• "Lake Michigan", Rogue Wave
• "Down Boy", Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• "Now It's On", Grandaddy
• "Let's Dance", M. Ward
• "Silver Lining", Rilo Kiley
• "Glass", Ingrid Michaelson
• "This Is The Thing", Fink
• "No Pussy Blues", Grinderman
• "B.M.F.A.", Martha Wainwright
• "Elevator Love Letter", Stars

• Primus
• The Cure
• Death Cab For Cutie
• Travis
• Sia
• Weezer
• Beastie Boys
• Ani Difranco (but she'd only be allowed to play old stuff)
• Talking Heads
• Coldplay
• Wheatus
• Sarah McLachlan

• Blue Velvet
• Zack and Miri Make a Porno
• Be Kind, Rewind
• Madagascar 2
• High School Musical 3
• Body of Lies
• Igor
• W
• Burn After Reading
• Pineapple Express
• WALL-E
• The Dark Knight
• The House Bunny
• In Bruges

• Choked on a loose piece of plastic in my playpen (Age 9 months)
• Shoplifted a Swedish fish while with my father in a tobacco store (Age 4)
• Broke my collarbone while trying to balance on my older sister's shoulders and being subsequently dropped on the floor (Age 4)
• Broke my older sister's nose while riding on her lap in front seat of my father's car (Age 6)
• Upon moving into a new neighborhood, immediately went exploring vacant houses and struck gold, finding a garage full of playboy magazines going back many years. Was found, near comatose, several hours later, and soundly beaten, but a career was launched. (Age 6)
• Got stuck in mud with a friend on the way home from school along a path we had promised never to take. My mother famously ...

• "How Could You Want Him (When You Know You Could Have Me)" - Spin Doctors
• "Family Portrait" - Pink
• "No Diggity" - Blackstreet
• "These Words (I Love You, I Love You)" - Natasha Bedingfield
• "The Oaf" - Big Wreck
• "Seven Days Of Lonely" - I Nine
• "They Don't Know" - Kirsty MacColl
• "American Life" - Madonna
• "I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying" - Sting
• "It's Love" - King's X

• She's Gotta Have It
• A History Of Violence
• Damage
• Shoot 'Em Up
• Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
• The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover
• Fast Times At Ridgemont High
• Belle du Jour
• Bound
• Body Heat
• Angel Heart
• Kill Bill, Vol I & II

• The Greatest American Hero
• Hockey Night In Canada (The Original)
• South Park
• Dallas
• The People's Court
• That 70's Show
• The A-Team
• Benson
• Knight Rider (The Original)
• Diff'rent Strokes
• Sesame Street
• The Facts Of Life

• ...willingly watch "Jackass".
• ...pay for Wi-Fi.
• ...allow anyone to hurt my kids.
• ...refer to small, medium or large sized coffees by their ridiculous faux-Italian names at Starbucks.
• ...eat giant sea clam again.
• ...utilize a prostitute (although they're my kind of people).
• ...sport a soul-patch.
• ...be remotely athletic.
• ...choose to use Windows again.
• ...drink Fresca, unless facing extinction.
• ...understand <i>bukakke</i>.
• ...vote for a Republican candidate.
• ...refer to someone as "retarded" (or worse, "mongoloid").
• ...be in a sales position.

• Joan Cusack
• Juliette Binoche
• Ellen Barkin
• Tina Fey
• Charro
• Pam Grier
• Raquel Welch
• Mila Kunis
• Heather Graham
• Drew Barrymore
• Diane Wiest
• Angie Dickinson
• Catherine Keener
• Sigourney Weaver

• quirky
• mature
• mysterious
• musical
• buxom
• complicated
• emo
• intellectual
• restless
• wise
• sinewy

• Lucky Charms
• Kellog's Raisin Bran
• Rice Krispies
• Kix
• Count Chocula
• Basic 4

• physics
• genetics
• state politics
• poetry
• console gaming
• menstruation
• bible study
• international trade
• the allure of anal sex
• golf
• paper vs. plastic

• Once Upon A Crime
• Almost Heroes
• Coyote Ugly
• The Postman (Kevin Costner)
• Fire In The Sky
• Ernest Goes To Camp
• Iron Eagle II
• Beaches
• Mermaids
• Bikini Carwash
• Body Of Evidence
• Striking Distance
• House Bunny
• The Clique
• 10 Million BC
• The Cube

what is your favorite word?

• "rubenesque"

what is your least favorite word?

• "cunt"

what turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?

• emotional equality

what turns you off?

• lack of intellectual curiosity

what is your favorite curse word?

• "fuck"

what sound or noise do you love?

• my children yawning

what sound or noise do you hate?

• the text-message alert ringer on my ex-sp...

• Tales Of The Gold Monkey
• Hong Kong Phooey
• The Greatest American Hero
• Press Your Luck
• Too Close For Comfort
• The New Schmoo
• That's Incredible
• Captain Caveman
• The Dukes Of Hazzard

• Shave And A Haircut
• Ze Frank
• "Killing An Arab"
• Pearl Necklace
• Better Off Dead

• Gumball, the golden retriever
• Snowball, the white lab rat with the electromagnetic implant on his head
• Gumball II, the stuffed floppy reindeer (stolen from my father's car in Coney Island, circa 1979)
• Presto, the magical gerbil
• Ludmilla, the crawfish
• Kiki, Cynthia's evil and terrifying cat
• Sam, the adopted stray cat
• Gus, the adopted (and perpetually angry) stray cat
• Fluff, the adopted transplanted cat
• Chance, the yellow lab who I belonged to but never belonged to me
• Lucy, the airedale/collie mix birthday present that keeps on giving
• Cheeks, the short-lived bubble-eyed goldfish
• Cheeks II, the far-sturdier bubble-eyed goldfish who the kids think is actually Ch...

• "...and so on and so forth" (Dad)
• "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" (Mom)
• "it's just....wonderful" (Step Mom)
• "I'll put another crack in your ass" (Mom)
• "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" (Dad)

• that what they do is not who they are
• that I will always love them
• that I am always proud of them and amazed by them
• that sometimes you need to leap before you look
• that there's no good reason that they ever need to try sea urchin at a sushi bar, so just keep moving
• that college is so incredibly important, not for the academics but for the buffer period to become an adult
• that they saved me

• The Shining
• Halloween
• The Ring
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre
• The Twilight Zone
• Aliens

• Better Off Dead
• This Is Spinal Tap
• Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life
• Young Frankenstein
• Amazon Women On The Moon
• His Girl Friday
• Burn After Reading
• Blazing Saddles
• Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (*But Were Afraid To Ask)
• Quick Change

• Whenever we were sick, she'd buy trashy magazines like The Enquirer and News Of The World at the supermarket for us to read in bed, and she'd make us Junket.
• When I was a Cub Scout and earned my paltry few merit badges, I wound up having to sew them on because she didn't know how to sew.
• Her thick, Bronx accent.
• She once grounded me "until puberty". I was eight.
• Any time we'd say we would take care of something "tomorrow", she'd immediately jump in and start reciting the "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" sol..., except the middle always got muddled because she forgot several lines. (I literally grew up thinking that everything between "Out, out brief candle" and "It is a tale told by an idiot" went "blah blah something something blah blah").
• Every year on my birthday she would carefully draw me a placemat on a plain white ...

• Slumdog Millionaire
• Planet B-Boy
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
• Be Kind Rewind
• Synecdoche, New York
• Choke
• The Dark Knight
• Zach and Miri Make A Porno
• Quantam Of Solace
• Girls Rock!
• No Country For Old Men
• Burn After Reading
• Gone Baby Gone
• In Bruges
• Vicky Cristina Barcelona

• George Burns and Gracie Allen
• Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward
• Annie Leibovitz and Susan Sontag
• Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn
• David Sedaris and Hugh Hamrick
• My parents
• Jason Hammel and Kori Gardener
• Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf
• Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins
• Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame Wilson
• Laurie Anderson and Lou Reed
• Dan Savage and Amy Jenniges

• confusing "your" with "you're" (and, presumably, "yore")
• referring to people as "retarded"
• watching "the view"
• spelling the slang for ejaculate/orgasm as "cum"
• attempting to be a contestant on a reality television show
• listening to Morrissey
• sending me anal-sex-themed porn-spam
• posting to Twitter more than once in a thirty minute period on a regular basis
• thinking that homelessness and poverty are not their problem
• voting Republican
• using Windows
• rooting for the Yankees
• invading celebrities' privacy
• eating anything from Hardee's
• shopping at Wal-Mart

• my daughter's cheeks when she's smiling
• Floam
• hardened, frozen icing sugar
• my son's hair
• crawfish or blue crabs
• technical gadgets I cannot afford
• certain friends' backs and shoulders
• Jell-o
• pumpkin innards
• the soft parts of my dog's ears
• books
• ladies

• Mike (current)
• Lori
• Jim
• Marc
• Patricia
• Tom
• Linda
• Owen
• Karen
• Elizabeth
• Greg
• Gregg
• Dennis
• Laurel
• Donald
• Dave

• Overture to Ruslan and Ludmilla , Mihail Ivanovich Glinka
• Requiem Mass in D Minor , Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• Romeo & Juliet , Sergei Prokofiev
• Symphony No. 5 in E Minor , Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
• Pini di Roma Ottorino Respighi
• Symphony in D Minor , Cesar Franck
• Lt. Kije Suite , Serge Koussevitzky
• Kol Nidre , Max Bruch

• spiders
• republicans
• sweetbreads
• the bot fly
• the guinea worm
• running in from the playing in the field on a baseball diamond and not jumping over the foul line
• online dating
• lip piercings
• people who can turn their eyelids inside out

• Coffee shop
• Wine cave
• GPS manufacturer who installs celebrity voices on turn-by-turn navigation devices
• Recording studio
• A school for teaching real-world practical programming to novices.
• Import/export of adult novelty soap and shampoo dispensers.

• Watership Down
• The Haunted Cove
• The Hobbit
• Where The Red Fern Grows
• Where The Wild Things Are
• How Babies Are Made
• Robert The Rose Horse
• Animal Farm
• C.H.O.M.P.S.
• The Rats Of NIMH
• Life On Earth

• You Shook Me All Night Long (AC/DC)
• Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley)
• Goin' Back To Cali (LL Cool J)
• Lemon (U2)
• Nobody Does It Better (Carole King)
• Still Alive (Jonathan Coulton)
• ...Baby One More Time (Britney Spears)
• Yellow (Coldplay)
• Come Sail Away (Styx)
• Fun Lovin' Criminal (The Fun Lovin' Criminals)
• Question (Old 97's)
• Keep Fishin' (Weezer)
• The Walk (The Cure)

• Karate Backflip Self-Knockout
• The Numa Numa Kid
• Best boobs on The Price Is Right
• Florida Weatherman vs. Cockroach
• Bill O'Reilly vs. The Teleprompter
• Cop vs. Pot Brownies = Hilarity
• Meg dancing at a club while we were in c...
• Rivers Cuomo's entire, amazing, mind-ben...
• PaxilBack
• Proof that every guy should buy their sp...
• Jesus Is A Friend Of Mine

• "The further I get from the things that I care about, the less I care about how much further away I get" - Fear Of Ghosts (The Cure)
• "I guess I'd better get my head out of the sand because I think we'd make a great team. And you would keep my fingernails clean." - El Scorcho (Weezer)
• "Gravity always wins." - Fake Plastic Trees (Radiohead)
• "One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me. We'll have drinks and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you. You'll sleep here, I'll sleep there, but then the heating may be down again (at my convenience). We'd be good, we'd be great together." - Goodnight And Go (Imogen Heap)
• "She went to Birmingham. She'll soon be in the can." - She's So Strange (Travis)
• "Love is watching someone die." - What Sa...

• Broken collarbone, sustained when my sister attempted to put me on her shoulders and instead dumped me on a hardwood floor. I did get her back, though - I broke her nose on her birthday.
• Gnarly facial scratches, sustained via a dog bite by a very pissed-off Great Dane.
• Impacted testicle - little-league baseball
• Dislocated elbow - hockey
• Shin splints - tennis
• Lower-back strain - old age

• Cub Scouts
• Barefoot Grass All Stars (Soccer)
• Madison Boy Choir
• Wisconsin Youth Symphony Orchestra
• The End
• Memorial High Tennis Team
• Wisconsin Honors Orchestra
• National Honors Orchestra
• NARAL Wisconsin
• Various Java Community Process committees
• A Marriage
• A family

• Limp Bizkit
• Staind
• Three Doors Down
• The Smiths
• Son Volt
• New Van Halen
• Marilyn Manson

• Shouting out "we're Jews!" in response to a hostess's request for "any parties of two" at Wolf's Delicatessen (NYC - Age 3)
• Misusing and mis-pronouncing the word "lingerie" while attempting to appear erudite and capable of adult conversation at a family reunion. (Purgatory, CO - Age 10)
• Stammering complete and utter gibberish at Cindy Crawford upon meeting her at a benefit luncheon. (Madison, WI - Age 21)
• Singing a made up song - lyrics went something like "Hey Mister Donut Man/You make such pretty donuts/I want to eat them/Eat them Alllllllllll!" - to the baker at the Greenbush bakery at 3am while drunk. (Madison, WI - Age 22)
• Upon losing an ill-advised bet to bandmates, being forced to perform a karaoke rendition of USA For Africa's "We Are The World", - complete with good-faith efforts ...

• Mike L
• Francesca
• Meg
• Brandon
• Susie K
• Bridget
• Stefanie W
• Steve
• Penny
• JJ
• Jake
• Catherine
• Lucie
• Sally
• Cynthia

• Bill Clinton
• Al Gore
• John Kerry
• Barack Obama

• my name's Paul, and this is between y'all
• home-slice
• butter
• that's a whole other Oprah show...
• negatory
• don't write checks your ass can't cash
• douchebag
• fuckwit

• my kids
• garlic butter
• buying extravagant gifts for people
• foreheads
• vodka and/or gin
• fashion and style (or, more aptly, a lack thereof)
• pop music
• San Pelligrino Limonata

• Thriller , Michael Jackson
• GTR , GTR
• Upstairs At Eric's , Yaz
• 1984 , Van Halen
• Seven And The Ragged Tiger , Duran Duran
• Raising Hell , Run-D.M.C.
• Abbey Road , The Beatles

• Seventeen Seconds , The Cure
• Movement , New Order
• War , U2
• Singles Going Steady , Buzzcocks
• Peepshow , Siouxsie and the Banshees
• So , Peter Gabriel
• Doolittle , The Pixies
• Disintegration , The Cure
• The La's , The La's
• Speaking In Tongues , Talking Heads

(Please note this was a generated list topic. The idea of 'going gay' or 'going straight' is beyond offensive, but it was not a phrase of my choosing.)

• Clive Owen
• John Legend
• Daniel Craig
• Rivers Cuomo (_sans_ porn mustache, thanks)
• Djimon Hounsou
• Paul Newman

• The Wordy Shipmates , Sarah Vowell
• When You Are Engulfed In Flames , David Sedaris
• The World Without Us , Alan Weisman
• Crime , Irvine Welsh
• More Information Than You Require , John Hodgman

• "Bruises", Chairlift
• "How I Could Just Kill a Man", Charlotte Sometimes
• "Nine In The Afternoon", Panic At The Disco
• "Still Alive", Jonathan Coulton
• "Hometown Glory", Adele
• "Ottoman", Vampire Weekend
• "Merry Happy", Kate Nash
• "I Will Possess Your Heart", Death Cab For Cutie
• "Gobbledigook", Sigur Ros
• "Dance, Dance, Dance", Lykke Li
• "Valerie Plame", The Decemberists
• "No Sex For Ben", The Rapture
• "Shut Up And Let Me Go", The Ting Tings
• "Paper Planes", M.I.A.
• "Sugarbaby", Morningwood

• politician
• customer service representative at a phone company
• service Windows PCs
• fact-checker for Fox News
• fluffer for an all-male film production
• soldier
• eye surgeon
• PCI compliance
• right-wing radio talk show host
• own a business with employees under me

• Judy
• Crazy Preacher Man
• Sid
• Cynthia
• Carlo
• Shannon
• Judith
• Jo
• Dionne
• Andrea
• Eena
• Rebecca
• Walter
• Dave
• Layli
• Dick
• Wendi
• Jen
• Jake
• Sanjeev
• Boobzilla

• Alien
• The Shining
• Rosemary's Baby
• Psycho
• Halloween
• Dead Ringers
• Angel Heart
• Aliens
• Carrie
• M
• A Nightmare On Elm Street

• Miles Harding - Electric Dreams
• The Geek/Farmer Ted - Sixteen Candles
• Cody - Road House
• John Clasky - Spanglish
• Mars Blackmon - She's Gotta Have It
• Alex Law - Shallow Grave
• Dante Hicks - Clerks
• Sam - Roadside Prophets
• Boba Fett - Star Wars
• Archie Leach - A Fish Called Wanda
• Sheriff Freddy Heflin - Cop Land
• Sheldon - New York Stories (Woody Allen)
• Lazlo Hollyfeld - Real Genius
• Victor - Choke

• Barrymore Theater - Madison, WI
• Dane County Coliseum (Alliant Energy Center) - Madison, WI
• Alpine Valley - East Troy, WI
• Carnegie Hall - New York, NY
• Mills Hall - Madison, WI
• Hammersmith Odeon - London, UK
• Target Center - Minneapolis, MN
• Orchestra Hall - Chicago, IL
• Mormon Tabernacle - Salt Lake City, UT
• The Palladium - New York, NY
• Rosemont Horizon - Schaumburg, IL
• Shank Hall - Milwaukee, WI
• War Memorial Opera House - San Francisco, CA
• Red Rocks - Morrison, CO
• The Hollywood Bowl - Hollywood, CA
• Théâtre antique d'Orange - Orange, France
• Oscar Mayer Theater - Madison, WI

• Senator Barbara Mikulski (D - Maryland)
• Stephen Colbert
• Madeline Albright
• Representative Robert Wexler (D - Florida)
• Senator Russ Feingold (D - Wisconsin)
• Representative John Conyers (D - Michigan)

• PRIDE - I am immensely proud of my ability to shirk doing actual work. While I'm also certainly the good kind of proud (namely, pride about my kids and all of their accomplishments, and pride in being their dad), I take a fair amount of smug satisfaction in my ability to do very little yet still achieve quite a lot.
• GLUTTONY - Um, have you seen me?
• GREED - My greed usually manifests itself in terms of greedily wanting more time or attention from those I love. One man's abandonment issue is another man's cardinal vice.
• SLOTH - See my answer for PRIDE above.
• WRATH - It takes a lot to get me angry, and usually when it happens it's on someone else's behalf because of some perceived injustice, but then I become a world-class red-ass.
• ENVY - I'm incredibly envious of those around...

• The Thin Blue Line
• American Movie
• Roger & Me
• Paris Is Burning
• Harlan County, USA
• The War Room
• Primary
• Stop Making Sense
• The Aristocrats
• Sicko
• Fast, Cheap and Out of Control
• Crumb
• Grizzly Man
• I Am A Sex Addict

• My kids' laughter
• Squirt(TM) citrus soda
• Rebecca Pidgeon in David Mamet movies
• Sushi
• Nicola Griffith books, even the lousy ones (which is, like, all of them)
• Billie Holiday's voice
• Better Off Dead
• Cunnilingus
• Watching Al Franken goad Bill O'Reilly at the 2001 BookTV Conference
• Angie Dickinson in Rio Bravo
• Wasabi-covered dried peas

• Alabama
• Arizona
• Arkansas
• California
• Colorado
• Connecticut
• Delaware
• District of Columbia
• Florida
• Georgia
• Hawaii
• Illinois
• Indiana
• Iowa
• Kansas
• Kentucky
• Louisiana
• Maryland
• Massachusetts
• Michigan
• Minnesota

• An elevator at the Hilton in downtown Minnaepolis
• In a car at a rest-stop on I94 near Black River Falls, WI
• On shag carpeting at my grandmother's apartment (while she was away, thankfully)
• In an office
• A restaurant in the Swisshotel, Chicago

• Behind the tennis courts at Madison Memorial High
• A 1983 Chrysler LeBaron sedan
• An orchestral practice room in Madison Memorial High
• Inside a tent
• A bathroom on a plane bound for Tokyo
• A dorm room in Ogg Hall
• A Mercury Lynx wagon
• A private practice studio in the Humanities Building
• An apartment on Langdon Street
• A basement cave/apartment on Gilman Street
• Wrigley Field
• Copenhagen Airport
• The Wyndham Hotel, St. Louis
• A Volkswagen Jetta sedan
• A flat on Williamson Street
• Sardine restaurant

• Losing my children
• Spiders
• Heights
• The thought of one of my children being in danger, with either spiders or heights (or both!) in between me and them.
• Loose nukes
• Stingy insects
• Fire near my face

• Nail Biting
• Interrupting
• Lying
• General sloth
• Eating too fast
• Snarkiness
• Procrastination
• Harboring grudges

• The 5th Element
• The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization
• PCU
• Grand Theft Parsons
• Me, Myself and Irene
• Mommy Dearest
• The Seven Year Itch
• Breakin' II: Electric Boogaloo
• Quicksilver (just for the scene where Kevin Bacon "dances" with his girlfriend while on a bike)
• Mr. & Mrs. Smith
• Roadside Prophets