i have visceral reactions anytime i see a man. because i was severely bullied by boys when i was younger - for my looks, my "masculine" behavior. i don't even think i was manly as they said but i guess i wasn't very much tuned to the girly side either. i was almost ab*s*d by a group when i was 11/12, because it was their revenge on me for beating them and being stronger than them. although i was shorter. always have been. the thing is that it made me deeply afraid of relationships and physical intimacy in general. recently, i've been feeling more light-hearted about it, and am kind of actively looking for a relationship but not a priority at the same time (because it never was. i want someone to mess around, not exactly a boyfriend/husband-to-be).

the thing is that, i was reminded of dreams i had a while ago.

the first, when i was underwater, in the middle of the ocean, and people kept telling me to look for my love because he was waiting for me. and i didn't know what he looked like but i kept looking because i felt overwhelmed with fondness. it was as if the water was all the love this imaginary person held for me and it made me feel so good i just had to know who loved me that much. maybe i wanted to bask in the feeling a little more.

the second, when i actually had a boyfriend and he did have a face, and i wasn't scared of physical intimacy. and it was so tender?? and playful? jesus, do people love like this? we were in my old school and for some dream-reason i had to do a walk of shame (or walk of victory, as my friend said lol) through it and thorought the whole path i met the boys who bullied me and they looked surprised, some even ashamed of themselves it seemed. i think it was because i had a boyfriend and they were proven wrong. many of them told me i would never get a boyfriend, or i was a lesbian, or they'd try to be friends with me to hookup with a colleague i had at the time. it made me think after a while, was i looking for approval? attention? do i need to prove myself so bad? actually, kinda, yeah. i know what pushes me from being with someone is that people always think i'm a lesbian because i'm not exactly the definition of girly GIRLY GIIIIIRLY. but i've learnt to love feminine things. i love being a woman. i rejoice whenever people say i'm feminine. and as said, i do have visceral reactions when i see a man, so maybe sometimes i'm expecting the worst of them. like saturday when i walked with attitude because my friend was scared because two boys were in front of the water fountain and i was actually pissed by that. idk.

the third, when i dreamt about these boys and it was so good, and i felt happy, but the moment they were gone the dream became a nightmare. really a nightmare. i hate to even remember this dream, it was extremely bittersweet.