i think there's a note here about how i love feminine things and i like when people see me as girly. i just remembered something that happened once.

i said out loud "someone called me girly today, i'm so happy". this person didn't say anything. fast forward some days, i went to a party and my colleague, known for being girly, used clothes that covered more skin. i used clothes that showed more. fast forward, this person says to me "oh did you and her switch?", to which i didn't understand so i asked "what? switch?" and they replied "yeah she's usually dressed more girly and you more boyish". i don't know. something in me broke that day. i don't think it was their intention, maybe i'm too sensitive about this specifically but i felt shattered. truly.

i am consistently reminded of that korean proverb of a pearl necklace for a pig's neck. it always feels like i am overcompensating. always feels like i am not seen as a woman no matter what i do.

once a colleague assured me that cis people can suffer gender envy too. i don't feel gender envy towards any specific woman, but i feel gender envy to any woman that is recognized as one. i always feel like i am not a woman, not even a girl, nothing. and the man that i envy are men who can use "feminine things" or behave in "girly ways" and still get recognized as a man. i am a woman with a more "manly attitude" but i never get recognized as a woman. ever. younger me was okay with that. after so many years and realizing the pattern will repeat itself forever, i got tired. i can't pretend this is not gut-wrenching to me.