- That time they buzzed me in at the Jared Jewelry store but I pushed the door instead of pulling it and two women started yelling at me to just pull the door you idiot so in a panic I pushed even harder and the two women had to come open the door while simultaneously rolling their eyes so hard that they flew out of their faces and rolled away.
- That time I ran into my old boss from Macy's at Staples after I was a no-show for four weeks and so I hid behind backpacks and other school supplies for an hour just to avoid an awkward encounter even though I'm pretty sure he saw me anyway and thought damn, dodged a bullet with that one didn't I.
- That time at Michael's during my holiday rush shift where a woman fought with me over the price of a Christmas tree and then threw a stack of fifty coupons at me and I told her she could only use one so pick one and get out of here and she yelled in my face and threatened me in front of a line of people so I threw her shit back at her and ran to the break room crying.
- That time I ran over the curb in front of a woman walking her dog at my apartments and then did it a second time trying to straighten out and then she came over and I was expecting her to ask if I was drunk but instead she saw my bumper sticker and said, "Wow, you went to my school too?! What year did you graduate?" and I had to spend ten minutes talking to her with my Taco Bell getting cold in the passengers seat.
- That time at Michael's when I got tricked into running a birthday party and didn't know any of the crafts so I told the kids at the party to just be creative and to do whatever they wanted and the parents looked at me with disappointment as if to say what are we even paying you for as I shoveled birthday cake into my face with my bare hands.
- That time in my college elective art class where the assignment was to use ripped up pieces of paper to make something and all I did was make an outdoor scene with a kite in five minutes flat that looked like a literal kindergartener had done it as I hung my head with shame when turning it in and got a surprising C- as opposed to a flat out F that I probably deserved.
- That time when a Jehova's Witness came to my door on a Saturday morning before 9 and I was really fucking tired after working all week so when she tried to explain what she was there for I just kept cutting her off but she kept going and I started acting like Dr. Evil telling her to zip it and she wouldn't take the hint so I started to shut the door on her and she threw her booklet through the door crevice and I went back to bed.
- That time N and I decided to order takeout from an Italian restaurant and they were like hey do you want to upsize to a family portion and N didn't really hear them so he said yes and we went to pick it up and there were three fucking massive bags that weighed approximately 20 lbs each and we got home and found out we had actually purchased all of the pasta in the world and so we both ate out of massive tin containers that were like slop trays and I only ate one chicken breast out of the seven that were provided in my chicken parm and N didn't say anything except yum and so we ate Italian leftovers for every meal for two weeks straight.
- That time the lady was giving me a tour of my new apartment and I was amazed how big the bedroom was so I asked her if I could take a picture and she said let me get out of the way and I joked or you could lay sprawled out on the bed and she said what that would be weird and I said yeah sorry I don't know and then my face melted off into a pool underneath my feet and I moved in two weeks later.
- That time the same lady was giving me the same tour and I asked her if there were any two story town homes she could show me after she had just literally shown me a two story town home and she was like uhh what the hell is wrong with this chick and I was like uhh what the hell is wrong with me.
- That time me and my college classmate were wasted at a local bar and she had to go throw up in the bathroom after we split a fishbowl and as she was throwing up I told her I would help by sitting on her back so I sat on her back and she remembered once she sobered up and was like what the fuck is your problem and I said I really don't know your back was the only place to sit in that bathroom.
- That time I got drunk at the bar and started hitting on the bartender and I gave him my number to text me and he did the next day to tell me he was pretty sure I had a drinking problem and that he already had a girlfriend so peace out bitch.
- That time I was on a field trip with my third grade class and we stopped at a gas station and I really wanted a Gatorade so I got one and went up to the counter but I was short a penny so I asked one of the chaperones if I could borrow a penny and she said no you need to learn the importance of money so I went to put the drink back and I cried in the car.
- That time I was in my Christian private school first grade class and I felt really sick on my stomach during chapel and when we started to pray I threw up in my hands and had to hold it through one of the longest prayers known to mankind and then I told my teacher and I had to carry my own vomit to the bathroom.
- That time I was fooling around with my high school boyfriend in the back of his Jeep at night parked on the beach and a cop pulled up and I was bare-ass naked and he saw my hoo-ha and he asked me how old I was and then asked my boyfriend how old he was and then he told us to get the hell out of there.
- That time my same high school boyfriend snuck out and rode his bike seven miles in the middle of the night to see me and I also snuck out of my house to my basement and we made out and he gave me six massive hickies and then the neighbors saw his bike and called the cops and the cops picked him up and then called me and I lied about my address and then they told me lying to the cops would get me in trouble so then I told them the truth and they came to our house and woke my parents up and my parents had to confirm they knew him.
- That time the next day after when I went to school with all of my hickies and my English teacher coughed at me when she saw them and said she had a book recommendation for me and the book was called Redeeming Love which talks about prostitution and that men don't only want sex from a woman and something about God's love and I almost died.
- That time when that same English teacher singled me out for wearing shorts that were "too short" when everyone in class was wearing shorts so I told her she was just singling me out because she didn't like me and to be petty she sent everyone wearing shorts to the office with me and we had to wear these oversized gym shorts for the rest of the day while all the girls in my class hated me for ratting them out when I only was defending myself.
- That time when I got my lip pierced and my boss at Firehouse Subs was disgusted by it and made me wear a bandaid on my face to cover it and I had to wear it the entirety of my shifts and one old man asked me if my boyfriend bit me and wheeze laughed while I stared daggers at him.
- That time I had my first dinner with my boyfriend's family at a Mexican restaurant and accidentally knocked over the chip basket spilling tortilla chips everywhere and started shoveling them quickly back into the basket and my boyfriend's mom was like we aren't eating your gross hand chips obviously and I was like haha of course not and then I excused myself to the bathroom and dry heaved into the toilet from being so nervous and embarrassed.
- That time in high school gym class where I forgot to wear a bra and we had to run a mile and I tried to sit it out but my teacher forced me to run and my ex-boyfriend and his douchey friends stood on the sidelines mock-cheering me on and laughing at me while my tits flew up and hit me in the face.
- That time I bought condoms at Walgreens and there was an older man ringing up people and I was so anxious and embarrassed that someone that could be my grandfather's age was having to acknowledge that I was sexually active that when he asked me how my day was going I told him "Oh it's going well. I have a date tonight and I think I'm getting lucky," and he didn't say anything in response and I basically ran from the store and didn't go back for three months.
- That time when I was thirteen and I accidentally shaved off half of my eyebrow and I had to spend the next few months parting my hair over the side of my face thinking that I had pulled it off and fooled everyone when in fact I just looked like an emo idiot who was most definitely hiding something behind her hair.
- That time while waiting in line at Starbucks where my mother showed me a text from my father and above it was a picture of his dick and I said "Mom, are you fucking kidding me?!" and hit her with my magazine and she said, "Oh." and quickly turned away and we never talked about it ever again even though it permanently scarred me.
- That time my aunt asked me how I liked her gray hair as if she expected me to compliment her and say it was beautiful but instead I said it gives you character and she looked at me disappointedly as I chugged my water and avoided eye contact with her.
- When an older dude at work asked me how old I thought he was and I said "57" and he was like "I'm 43" and I felt like I wanted to dive out the window.
- When my course lab instructor checked in on my virtual lab and I lied to him about my lab and he caught my lie and said "you know what, I'm just going to let you do what you were doing" and left.
- When I went to the pool fully clothed reading a book on the side and these two girls sat next to me and talked about how their fat friend wouldn't wear a bathing suit and I felt like they were suggesting I was similar and I wanted to smack them but instead I just tried to leave but the gate was jammed and some random kid had to help me get it open.
may 20 2020 ∞
jul 31 2022 +