List originally posted October 30, 2019

• Leaving your boyfriend’s apartment at 4 am on a Saturday because he has to work, going to the 24-hour gas station, and buying peppered beef jerky (because you had a craving) and coffee. Having both when you get home and then passing out on your couch afterward.
• Forgetting to take your medicine on a bi-weekly basis. Waking up with a terrible headache akin to the ones you used to get after a night of hardcore binge-drinking.
• Jumping up and down on your floor because your downstairs neighbors are blasting music yet again and rather than go down there and ask them politely to turn it down, you have convinced yourself that something will happen to you if you do (like your car will get keyed or tires slashed or you’ll get robbed). Especially conside...

• Driving : I hate to drive, mostly because I am an paranoid, anxiety-riddled mess that constantly interprets things around me as dangerous. Driving is the riskiest thing that I do on a semi-frequent basis. Whenever possible, I make my friends/ family/ boyfriend drive me around so I feel safer but when I do drive I have terrible road rage and break out into a fear-induced sweat.
• Family Reunions: Hell is a place where family reunions occur often. There you will find relatives you've never met who will ask you all sorts of inappropriate or divisive things, including but not limited to the following: How much do you weigh? Who did you vote for in the last election? Have you been constipated recently? Why is your sister single still? Why aren't you having children? I don't know third cousin twice removed, I just don't know.

• Someone hitting my car and leaving
• Someone hitting my car period
• Not being able to pay rent on time
• Losing my job and becoming unemployed
• My card being declined for some reason
• Being late to an appointment
• Someone running a red light and hitting me
• Having nightmares or sleep paralysis
• Not working at a fast enough pace for my boss
• Having to speak to a crowd
• Gaining weight
• Someone is in my closet
• Someone is under my bed
• Someone is in my shower
• Someone is coming up the stairs at night
• Someone broke into my place
• Forgetting to take my meds
• Overdosing on my meds
• Forgetting to pack something

• Chewing my lips: Can't help it, the girl can't help it.
• Picking at my skin: This is an anxious habit that I do absentmindedly without even realizing it.
• Drinking energy drinks: My addiction started when I was fifteen and had my first Red Bull while visiting St. Thomas with a friend. I was hooked and had multiple energy drinks a day during our entire trip. It's gotten out of control since then and has become my unhealthiest habit. I am trying desperately to stop.
• Not taking care of my car: I should be getting it washed at least monthly but I keep putting it off because going to the car wash gives me severe anxiety for some reason. So, I just let it get icky and dirty and don't do anything about it until I realize how disgusting it truly is.
• Not taking out the trash as often as I should: Our garbage is forever away from our apartment which means my lazy ass always put...

• My large nose. Nora Ephron wrote "I Feel Bad About My Neck" and as an ode to her I write "I Feel Bad About My Nose." It's huge, massive, gargantuan, grotesque. It takes up so much space in this apartment that it should start paying rent. I can't ever do coke because my large nostrils would surely suck up enough for me to overdose my first time around. You shouldn't be able to fit fucking quarters in your nostril holes. Not to mention the size of my pores! Ever used one of those Biore pore strips? My nose is a gold mine I tell you. My dream is to one day hack off this Mr. Potato Head monstrosity and replace it with one of the far more delicate, feminine variety. My only fear is that cutting off my Squidward-esque nose would raise my voice six octaves and I'll sound like I just ingested helium permanently. And the cherry on top of these grievances? I snore like a m...

• On Wednesdays drinks coffee out of a mug that says "Mondays Should Be Optional" and has a picture of a sloth hanging from a tree
• Has anywhere from six to seven books stacked on her bedside table even though she's only reading two or three at a time
• Sleeps with a night guard in her mouth to keep her teeth from grinding (and she never washes it because she's disgusting like that)
• Has far too many pairs of socks and only wears a couple of pairs regularly
• Buys a stuffed Baby Yoda (aka "The Child") to hang out in her office
• Pretends to know what's going on at work but in reality knows absolutely nothing (and therefore has impostor syndrome)
• Takes the shrimp tails off before she cooks the shrimp and gags several days later when they stink up her trash

• If I had a nickel every time NVIDIA GeForce had an update on my computer, I would count the nickels and put them away in my savings like the responsible human being that I am.
• I peered out of my bedroom window because there was commotion outside and saw the carpet guys installing new carpet across the street. It's 8 pm on a weeknight! Are you insane!? Stop that banging! I have to sleep soon!
• If you gather the hair from behind your ears and tuck it in front of your ears you've instantly given yourself an elven makeover.
• I am personally ashamed at how many tie dye shirts I own as a woman in her late 20s. I should be investing in business wear not hitting up the local thrift mall to see if Tammy has restocked her tie dye inventory in my size. To be fair, the woman...

• How coffee goes from nuclear to freezing in less than three minutes
• Having to turn left in a center turning lane
• Getting your sleeves wet when washing your hands
• When your hoodie string comes out after washing it
• When your tacos spill out into the bottom of the takeout bag
• When you're in a fast food line and the person in front of you pulls out a long list of orders
• When a bird shits on your freshly washed car
• When you get watermarks on your wooden furniture for fucks sake
• When someone at the gym tries to "compete" with you
• When you pour a bowl of cereal and then discover your milk is expired

• Adventures in Taylorland: Stories About One Woman Who Just Couldn't Handle Any of It
• I Pulled a Tick Off My Boyfriend's Back (And Other Stories of Terror)
• My Ex-Fiance Is My Best Friend (And Other Wild Confessions)
• Hold the Cheese Please (And Other Unpopular Habits I'm Not Proud Of)
• I Didn't Mean To (But I Did Anyway): The Life of a Mischievous Woman
• Female Protagonist: How I Starred and Wallowed in My Own Designated Melodrama
• Emotional Bitch (And Other Names I've Been Called)
• Fake Feelings (And Real Feelings That Someone Thought Were Fake)
• Bipolar Days (And Some Other More Uninteresting Days)
• Nothing But Drama (You Would Cry Too, Boo F*cking Hoo): Stories

• Daniel, the man who checked me in, saw that I was reading The Shining. Told me if I hadn’t read The Stand that I must do so immediately. Tells me to look up an interview with George RR Martin and Stephen King.
• Finished Sugar-Free Red Bull. There is no trashcan. Now I must hold it awkwardly between my legs so that I can type this.
• “A Horse With No Name” is playing in the background. As I hum along I receive dirty looks from the fellow sitting near me who is typing on his laptop. I stop humming.
• I smell coffee. I want coffee. Where is said coffee?
• I’m looking at the Herald Leader. Man, I love reading the paper. Reminds me of my old college morning routine: go to a coffee shop named Java Dog in downtown Wilmington at 6 am. Be the first to buy a bag...

• Go to their website. Make sure you spell it incorrectly the first time around. Use an "e" like the game dominoes.
• Pick delivery or carryout. I could carryout but I don't feel like putting on my mask and standing outside in the rain in a mandated six-feet-apart line with other hungry customers who are also bewildered that this is truly what the apocalypse looks like. Delivery please.
• Type in all of the relevant personal information. I am that dumbass who still doesn't know her new zip code, so, I had to look it up.
• Pick your pizza size. Spend at least an hour debating. Do I want a large or a medium? If I get a large it will be way too much food and I'll have to eat pizza for the next four days for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But there's a coupon on here specifically for a large pizza! $13.99! That's reasonable. However, that coupon only applies to a specia...

• 90s pop culture/ cartoons
• Reading magazines and newspapers
• Early mornings/ super late nights
• Productivity lists
• Typewriters and letter writing
• Paper, manuscripts, folders, etc.
• The smell of new books
• The smell of old books
• Writing in a fresh notebook
• Pens of assorted colors
• Newly sharpened pencils
• School supplies
• Old independent bookstores/ used bookstores
• Fall and everything that comes with it
• Sweaters and turtlenecks
• Author readings/ signings
• Reserved seats at movie theaters
• Double-features at movie theaters
• Keeping my nails nice and painted
• Typing, typing, typing

• Math: I've always hated math and numbers. I suppose I got into the wrong field. If math were a person it would be my number one enemy. I'm so thankful to the restaurants that have the tip already calculated for you so I don't have to spend ten minutes panicking over my phone to make sure I'm tipping the correct amount. For shame.
• Parallel parking (or parking in general): In our neighborhood there is only parallel parking. It takes me almost thirty minutes just to be able to park and even then I'm usually crooked or parked three feet from the curb (which I run over consistently). It's embarrassing. You'd think I'd be improving over time and yet I continue to be terrible at it. I even have a back up camera!
• Small talk: I'm so awkward and uncomfortable making small talk, especially with strangers. In the elevator at work someone will tell m...

• "Random question for you: do you think if we had kids that they would be smart? Because this lady at work talks all the time about how intelligent her daughter is. That's she's only six years old and she's already coding, playing piano, and building bird houses on her own. I'm worried our not-yet-born, fictional daughter is falling behind where she needs to be at her age."
• "Did you get hacked? I saw you post an article about getting free stocks on Twitter and that doesn't seem like you at all. I reported the tweet but I wanted to check just in case it's legit and you're actually spreading your filthy propaganda all over the place. Tsk tsk if so."
• "You eat lentils so much that eventually you're going to turn into one. And then we won't be able to date anymore, cause you know, you'll be a lentil."

• Adulting is crying while eating a pop tart
• Adulting is being too afraid to call the doctor so you don’t go at all
• Adulting is buying books that you shouldn’t buy because you already have so much to read
• Adulting is being too lazy to ask for a refund on something
• Adulting is getting lost while driving around looking for a Staples
• Adulting is saying yes to someone when they ask you a question and you didn’t hear it at all
• Adulting is wanting a puppy but knowing you’re not responsible enough to own one
• Adulting is daydreaming of a new job while working a shitty one
• Adulting is driving an hour to the bank just to cash a check

• “You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it."- Tina Fey, Bossypants (pg. 22)
• "It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don't like something, it is empirically not good. I don't like Chinese food, but I don't write articles trying to prove it doesn't exist."- Tina Fey, Bossypants (pg. 130)
• "Do your thing and don't care if they like it."- Tina Fey, Bossypants (pg. 131)
• "Photoshop is just like makeup. When it's done well it looks great, and when it's overdone you look like a crazy asshole."- Tina Fey, Bossypants (pg.142)
• "It's only in porn that the talky parts work better at the beginning."- Chuck Palahniuk, Consider This (pg. 10)
• "Tom Spanbauer always said, "Writers write because they weren't invited to a party."- Chuck Palahniuk, Consider This (pg. 23)

• I was dating Judd Nelson. In his bathroom he had stored all of his ex-girlfriend's possessions, including her collection of stuffed bears. They stared at me while I used the bathroom.
• Me and my ex-boyfriend from high school decided to go trick or treating on Halloween even though we were too old. I found a kangaroo mascot's head that I wore. We were skating to the next neighborhood over from me when we saw a drunk driver. My ex threw his skateboard into the middle of the road to stop the driver and he pulled over and we called the cops.
• I went to dinner with an old friend from high school. He started choking on his steak and I had to give him the Heimlich maneuver. He eventually coughed it up and went on acting like nothing had happened even though I was terrified.
• N and I went to a fancy restaurant in Ohi...

• That time they buzzed me in at the Jared Jewelry store but I pushed the door instead of pulling it and two women started yelling at me to just pull the door you idiot so in a panic I pushed even harder and the two women had to come open the door while simultaneously rolling their eyes so hard that they flew out of their faces and rolled away.
• That time I ran into my old boss from Macy's at Staples after I was a no-show for four weeks and so I hid behind backpacks and other school supplies for an hour just to avoid an awkward encounter even though I'm pretty sure he saw me anyway and thought damn, dodged a bullet with that one didn't I.
• That time at Michael's during my holiday rush shift where a woman fought with me over the price of a Christmas tree and then threw a stack of fifty coupons at me an...

• Read three books simultaneously, alternating after each chapter
• Make fake binoculars using your hands and look around your room
• Breathe on your desk, so that it makes a condensation circle, and then use your finger tips to make a smiley in it
• Stretch and then flex
• Press your forehead against your desk and stare at your feet
• Search for the "Cooking By The Book" video with Lil Jon
• Read your horoscope
• Pay bills
• Pluck your eyebrows
• Wash your face and moisturize
• Repeatedly check the status of your Amazon package in a state of paranoia
• Research Joaquin Phoenix's and Rooney Mara's baby
• Stare out the window

• Dress professionally. Anything comfy, your best lounge-wear. Maybe that giant hoodie you reserve for sick days and Saturdays only. Thick wool socks that are inappropriate for the weather. Leggings with holes in the ass. Whatever you do, make sure you are dressed as relaxed and laid back as you can be. Make it so you can roll out bed and be ready for work when your feet hit the floor.
• Start the day on time. Anywhere from a half hour to an hour after you’re supposed to be working. Make the excuse that you had to get dressed (you didn’t) and make your bed (you didn’t do that either). Plop down in your office chair still half-asleep with drool crusting your face. It’s the perfect time to delve into some difficult or complicated work.
• Focus on the task at hand. Keep eyeing your beloved Switch and ignore the urge to play Animal Crossing. Try to sneak in a few pages of the book you’..._Hey, hey, you. Stop it right now._ Wave to the guy mowing the lawn. Pretend...

• "We are looking forward to seeing you!"
  • "Thanks. I'll make sure to get high beforehand to make the experience tolerable for myself."
  • "I'm looking forward to seeing you too but not the rest of the family so much because all family events remind me of my less than ideal life and tend to turn into a comparison game."
  • "I am looking forward to everything except for faking my enthusiasm on my cousin's new engagement because I am secretly jealous although I'll never let on. Instead I will pretend to be ecstatic for her and issue rapid-fire questions on her wedding plans to hide the fact that I'm crying on the inside. I would also be surprised if I received a wedding invitation."
  • "I'm looking forward to it as well but the only reason I am attending is for my gr...

• BLOCKBUSTER! Please come back to me my love! I miss our Friday night routine that we shared together. Me browsing your shelves for the perfect movie and you providing me with mostly garbage. I'll never forget standing in your lines with your membership card out (which I still own) and giving into the urge of buying that microwavable popcorn tub with extra butter. Somehow that popcorn tasted better than just your run of the mill grocery store popcorn. I think it's because I knew it was from your store. Rest in peace, you beautiful, awful thing.
• DUNKAROOS! I would rip off the lid and immediately scoop out as much icing (chocolate was the best- fight me) as possible with one cookie. Then once all of the icing was gone (and I mean the plastic carrier was licked clean) I would eat the rest of the cookies. A quick Google search of ...

• A few months ago, N and I decided to try a new Thai restaurant that we'd heard good things about. It was sort of a long drive out of our way, but the promise of some decent Pad Thai in an area that doesn't know how to pronounce Pad Thai made it worth the journey. The place was very small from the outside and it was packed with people. I already knew we wouldn't be staying- N doesn't like crowds and has weird rules about having to wait for a table. We opened the door anyway. The inside was loud and crowded as we shuffled towards the empty hostess stand. I was preparing to immediately do a 180 back out of the entrance when I caught a woman looking at N. The woman had to be in her early 30s- red headed, short, wearing a wrap dress with a sweater and boots, sitting at a high top table next to friends. I didn't notice anything unusual except for her smil...__Sometimes I wonder if I interrupted him m...__

• When you send someone a picture, check what's in the background first.
• Always keep a pen in your bag.
• When someone says, "Here, do my shots for me this round!" politely decline.
• Never buy lingerie from Amazon.
• If you're searching for that last sock or fabric softener sheet after drying your clothes, it's probably in one of your pant legs (edit: or in the washer or dryer still)

• Sleep Paralysis. Ever been in an in-between sleep and wake phase where you can't move a muscle as you hallucinate a demon spooning you and whispering threatening things in your ear? Or ever been woken up by the girl from The Grudge sitting on your chest as you dig your fingers into her eyeballs unable to wake up? Sleep paralysis is like a nightmare on steroids.
• Mosquitoes. I'm not fucking joking. Did you know the thing they have attached to their heads that greedily feeds off of your life source is called a "proboscis" and it's actually made up of six micro-needles that are specifically designed to find your blood vessels to drain you of blood? There's a scene is this Will Ferrell movie called Land of the Lost where Ferrell's character is bit by a giant mosquito and I swear to God that I almost fainted during it. Not to mention all of the gross diseases they pass on. Fuc...