Is it normal to be so apathetic all the time? Take today, for instance, where I started working from home and my mind pondered, “Hmm. I wonder what would happen if I just stopped working?” I ran down the list: I would probably get caught, get fired, then I wouldn’t be able to pay rent and I’d be evicted. Everything I worked so hard for would go down the drain in a matter of days. What unnerved me the most about rehashing this list was that I had no strong feeling about it. I didn’t have any fear or regret attached. I only had apathy.

Where does this apathy come from? Is it merely a side effect of my bipolar depression or do the roots run deeper than that? I tried to retrace my apathy to its source:

• I don’t like my job. In fact, I daresay I hate it.
• I don’t care about what I’m doing. I don’t. Sue me.
• My career isn’t fulfilling or rewarding to me. I don’t know why. I don’t see much reward in what I’m doing and I see very little of the end product. I feel like a teeny tiny cog in a massive machine. I never used to feel like that at my old place of employment. I don’t like feeling underappreciated or like a number without a face.
• I need to feel like I’m growing and learning in my job in order to feel like it’s worth it. I’m not growing in my job nor am I learning much of anything. In fact, most days I wonder if I’m making any sort of difference at all. Is my job even important in the grand scheme of things? I don’t feel valued or valuable.
• I feel stuck in this position and so I’m growing resentful. It’s hard not to feel resentful when you feel things are out of your control, particularly things that influence your life so much.
• I feel like I have no alternatives. And I don’t really. I went to school for this and my entire career path has led me to here. This is no time to start over again.
• I’m not doing what I want to be doing. This could be an entire post in itself (and maybe I’ll make one in the future) but at this moment in time I’m not doing what I want to be doing. What is it that I really want to be doing? That’s a question I don’t have an answer for.

As you can tell by the list, most of my apathy derives from unhappiness in the workplace which is a situation I am unable to change (for now, anyway). So how do you counteract all of this apathy? I’ve been trying a few different methods:

• Show gratitude for where you are and the things you do have. For instance, I am working from home during a pandemic. I am employed and getting paid regularly. Not everyone can say that. For this alone, I should be eternally grateful.
• Keep trying, regardless of if you don’t want to. I don’t have to give 100% all of the time. As long as I’m showing up and trying my best to do the tasks at hand, that’s all I really have to do.
• Hang in there. I used to hate this phrase. My parents say it so much that it’s almost lost all meaning to me. But really, it’s simple advice. Just keep hanging in there. Things are bound to change after time has passed. Things can’t stay this bad forever, right?
• Think of solutions. I have a word board hanging next to my desk which has a quote on it. “If you don’t like it, change it.” Not everything has a valid solution but I am always brainstorming ways to make lemonade from lemons.
• Make the best of it. I’m going to try and wring every single drop of usefulness that I can from this job. I’m going to make connections. I’m going to learn what I can and add it to my resume. I’m going to attempt to make a name for myself, even if I’m unsuccessful at it. Making the best of it is the most useful tool I can use right now.

So apathy, dear, dear apathy, please see yourself out. I’m not in the mood to deal with you anymore and you’re seriously cramping my productivity.