- Go to their website. Make sure you spell it incorrectly the first time around. Use an "e" like the game dominoes.
- Pick delivery or carryout. I could carryout but I don't feel like putting on my mask and standing outside in the rain in a mandated six-feet-apart line with other hungry customers who are also bewildered that this is truly what the apocalypse looks like. Delivery please.
- Type in all of the relevant personal information. I am that dumbass who still doesn't know her new zip code, so, I had to look it up.
- Pick your pizza size. Spend at least an hour debating. Do I want a large or a medium? If I get a large it will be way too much food and I'll have to eat pizza for the next four days for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But there's a coupon on here specifically for a large pizza! $13.99! That's reasonable. However, that coupon only applies to a specialty pizza and I want to create my own because I want to pick my own toppings. But hey, there's also this pretty good deal for one specialty medium pizza for $10.99. AGAIN, it's a specialty pizza! Didn't we just figure that out? Fine, I'll settle for medium. $14.99 for a fucking medium pizza?! Really?! Maybe I should just nut up and buy the large after all if they're going to be the same price. But wait, that's just for a specialty pizza!!! God dammit!
- Pick your pizza. Okay, I know I want green peppers and onions. Do I even want meat? What about pepperoni? That's a pretty solid pick that goes well with everything. But I haven't had pepperoni in ages, what if I don't like it anymore? Hmm. Okay skip the pepperoni. But I can't just get peppers and onions because who the fuck does that? No one, that's who. Alright so get another veggie. Not spinach or tomatoes because they'll make the pizza soggy. No olives or mushrooms because you hate them. What about red peppers? Yes! But that still means you have a pizza with only peppers and onions. You literally just added a different colored pepper. Fine, put the pepperoni on there then for fucks sake. Damn the consequences! You better not pick them off later either.
- Pick your sides. Oh man, those Parmesan bites are so delicious. If I get them that's only an extra four dollars. It would be worth it. Yes, but let's be realistic for a moment shall we? When your order arrives you will ignore the pizza and head straight for the bites. Just a few, you will say. Next thing you know you will have consumed all of them in one sitting and then you'll be too full to even touch the pizza you just spent three hours ordering. Can you really live with that shame? No? Then skip. the. bites.
- Pay. Yikes, that "delivery fee", which isn't a tip to the driver, physically hurts me to pay. But pizza is worth the pain!
- Include Instructions for the Driver. Here it says that during the quarantine there is a "no contact" delivery which means the driver drops the pizza off at your place somewhere and then hastily runs at a full sprint from the door as if they've planted a bomb. "Where would you like your pizza delivered?" the site asks. "On the wet ground next to the small pile of bird shit. No need to knock." I type.
- Wait. Your estimated wait time is 60-90 minutes. Oh yeah, I forgot that everyone and their brother is probably doing the same thing I am at the exact same time because it's pizza.
- Wait some more. Okay Pizza Tracker, I know you're lying to me. There's no way that Cory is still "quality checking" my pizza unless he's inspecting it with a microscope and taking detailed notes for his thesis.
- Wait some more. Ugh.
- Get your pizza. I hear a knock and look out my window to see Andrew, the delivery driver, running away to his car while wearing his surgical mask. I open the door and give him a wave of thanks and he nods to me, returning to his car. I see him light a cigarette while still wearing his mask. Now how is he planning to smoke that thing? I wonder as I shut the door behind me.
- Consume. The pizza was ice cold which bummed me out. A little microwave action and badaboom we're back in business. It's good pizza, especially the green peppers, but something isn't quite right. I pick off all of the pepperoni. There we go. Mmm, fucking delicious.
apr 29 2020 ∞
may 12 2021 +