- I was dating Judd Nelson. In his bathroom he had stored all of his ex-girlfriend's possessions, including her collection of stuffed bears. They stared at me while I used the bathroom.
- Me and my ex-boyfriend from high school decided to go trick or treating on Halloween even though we were too old. I found a kangaroo mascot's head that I wore. We were skating to the next neighborhood over from me when we saw a drunk driver. My ex threw his skateboard into the middle of the road to stop the driver and he pulled over and we called the cops.
- I went to dinner with an old friend from high school. He started choking on his steak and I had to give him the Heimlich maneuver. He eventually coughed it up and went on acting like nothing had happened even though I was terrified.
- N and I went to a fancy restaurant in Ohio. They only served raw food in weird shapes. I barely ate anything but he was in heaven. The restaurant was attached to a large candy store for some reason. I lost my shit when I found out they sold jaw breakers and rock candy.
- My co-worker's cat vomited on my bed so I made my co-worker change the sheets. Afterward we discovered a large spider on the floor next to the bed. I made him kill it.
- I went to an award show with Gwyneth Paltrow. She sat up in the front row but I had to sit near the back of the theater. They cut to her on the screen, asking her a question or something, and then her phone went off. She got very angry and said, "Whoever is calling is dead to me." I looked down at my own phone and realized I had butt-dialed her on accident. I knew that my friendship with Gwyneth Paltrow was doomed.
- I went to a mall in Indiana with N. We were in long line to order from a bakery inside the mall. N got impatient and I told him I would text him when I was through so he left. When I got to the counter most of the baked goods were gone and all that was left was a chocolate sub looking thing. I figured N and I could split it so I bought it. I texted him that I was done but he didn't respond. So I called him to no answer. I realized that he must have left the mall without me. The mall was closing and I ran to the parking lot. At his truck I told him I loved him and he said I love you too but I can't do this and drove away. One of my co-workers who also worked at the mall saw me and offered me a ride home. "We can be friends," he told me.
- I went to N's family's house for Christmas. They made me draw some random pieces of paper from a hat. It had illegible symbols on it. Bluegrass music started to play and they started clapping with the beat. They formed a circle and started to call my name. I was confused and didn't know what to do so I started to do the hoedown. N just watched me silently from a chair in the corner.
- Leonardo DiCaprio came to visit me in my upscale penthouse apartment. He didn't recognize me. We got in the elevator together and the elevator operator asked me who I was. "Kirsten Dunst," I told him, nervous because I was lying. He eyed me suspiciously. He stopped the elevator and said he was going to do body scans to see who people actually were. I pried open the elevator doors and crawled up into the next floor. The elevator fell as I did so and my arms got chopped off. I also had a titanium leg for some reason.
- I was dating Noel Fielding and he was really off the wall hyper all of the time. We were on a ferry and he was singing "Blue Song" and re-enacting the video, like a play by play. When we got to his house he morphed into the late Paul Reubens as Pee Wee Herman. I was horrified.
- I worked at a generic clothing store in the mall. At closing time, my manager said she forgot something as we were leaving. As we all helped her, the barriers to the store came down, locking us in. I was distraught. All I could think about was being trapped there forever with a bunch of people I fucking hated.
jul 13 2020 ∞
sep 15 2023 +