List originally posted October 30, 2019

• Leaving your boyfriend’s apartment at 4 am on a Saturday because he has to work, going to the 24-hour gas station, and buying peppered beef jerky (because you had a craving) and coffee. Having both when you get home and then passing out on your couch afterward.
• Forgetting to take your medicine on a bi-weekly basis. Waking up with a terrible headache akin to the ones you used to get after a night of hardcore binge-drinking.
• Jumping up and down on your floor because your downstairs neighbors are blasting music yet again and rather than go down there and ask them politely to turn it down, you have convinced yourself that something will happen to you if you do (like your car will get keyed or tires slashed or you’ll get robbed). Especially considering one of them was arrested for domestic battery quite recently and you don’t need that kind of confrontation right now (or ever).
• Skipping class for weeks in a row because you had a bad feeling the first time and now you’re too anxious to go back in fear of people asking where you were. “It didn’t feel right” isn’t a valid excuse. Fear that you might flunk out because you’re so far behind but refuse to do anything about it because of the anxiety that comes with facing and trying to tackle a mountain of work.
• Ordering Chinese takeout or pizza on a Monday because you know it’ll last you the entire week and you won’t have to cook and you can just lounge on your ass after work instead.
• Buying three pumpkins to carve and ruining the first one. Becoming so frustrated after three hours of work that you stab Mario in the face. IN THE FACE. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. In his fucking face. IN THE FACE.
• Calculating how many showers you have to take during the week in order to not be gross.
• Going to the gym at 3:45 am only because you get the gym to yourself and it’s worth it not be around other people. Especially that one bitch in the sports bra who is always on the stair stepper, because she always gives you the stink eye and a fake smile. You want to call her a try hard and ask her if her spray tan was worth the cost but you just smother your irritation instead. (In hindsight she's probably just doing the best she can and doesn't even know I exist. Ah, paranoia. I apologize. You keep doing you gym girl.)
• Over-tipping your tattoo artist by forty bucks because you felt like he didn’t like you and you were trying to win him over even though you’ll probably never see him again.
• Not being able to find a place to park downtown so you drive around for almost an hour. Deciding to park illegally in a residential spot. Spending the next few hours in pure agony from the sheer paranoia of being towed or booted.
• Having dinner reservations to a fancy Italian restaurant for your birthday but having a panic attack beforehand so your boyfriend says, “Hey, maybe we should stay in the hotel room instead,” and feeling such relief that you cry.
• Going to a thrift mall and buying twenty pairs of packaged, neon smiley face socks. You know the last thing you need is socks but you never ignore the call to buy them.
• Setting 7 alarms in the morning, five minutes apart, so that you actually get out of bed.
• Taking multiple “bathroom breaks” at work when in fact you stand in the stairwell and try not to cry because you hate your job at certain moments and the thought of working one more minute makes you want to jump off of the building.
• Making awkward small talk with a co-worker in the morning about Call of Duty. Know enough about the latest game to contribute but don’t let on that you don’t like it and don’t play it. Let it lead into a conversation about Overwatch 2 and how overrated Fortnite has always been.
• Panicking when your power goes out and thinking this is surely the end of the world. Flipping your breaker a billion times because you’re convinced it’s just your power and somehow you have one faulty breaker that’s ruining everything.
• Going to the drug store to buy the morning-after pill on your birthday and then, while feeling pathetic and sorry for yourself, deciding to buy a pack of Twizzlers and a giant, squishable stuffed lion along with it which you name Paul Bettany because it was the first thing that popped into your head.
• Misreading the label on your CBD candies and eating the entire package in one sitting. Falling asleep for six hours after and drooling all over yourself in the process.
• Watching YouTube videos on self-motivation and still not able to do anything productive.
• Calling your ex-fiance (who is simultaneously your best friend) when your smoke detector starts to chirp at 11 at night because you can’t reach it and your boyfriend's out of town and your ex is 6’5″ so obviously he’s better equipped to handle the situation than you are
• Verbally berating the pimple on your face like you're doing your promo on WWE Smackdown because you're an adult and you should've grown out of this by now
• Putting a post it note that says "PAY RENT" on your Nintendo Switch so that you have to pay rent before you play it
• Chugging a Yoo Hoo outside of a bar at midnight on the side of the road
• Pretending you're sick so you can work from home, when in reality working from home consists of stuffing your face with oatmeal cookies and slamming diet cokes while reading trashy novels and occasionally moving your mouse to keep your session active