I have itchy feet.

No, not in the literal sense (although itchy feet are a real pain in the ass, especially if you're as ticklish as I am). It's just that I'm always antsy, wiggling in my seat, eager to get going somewhere or do something. The worst part of this feeling, this inner unease that feels as if my insides are being cattle-prodded, is that I often have nowhere to go. Or I'm unable to go anywhere, anyway. This happens a lot to me at work while I'm sitting in my office chair, bored to tears over the tedium of yet another dull task, my eyes blurring from staring at a computer screen for multiple hours in a row. That's the time I want to drop everything and just go. But even if I am able to take a break and walk around the neighborhood for instance, I still feel fidgety and agitated like I'm a carbonated beverage that's just been dropped.

I don't know where this restlessness stems from. I suppose it's a combination of multiple things:

  • Dissatisfaction with my career-- It's no secret that I hate my job as well as the field I've been confined to work in. This pent up resentment in tandem with fatigue from my daily routine has left me aching for more. It's a deep desire that goes nowhere though, considering I can't change the circumstances I am in.
  • Urge to travel more often-- With coronavirus still in full force, I imagine this claustrophobia of being trapped in my apartment with only four walls to stare at isn't going away anytime soon. I know it's widespread and global, this cabin fever, as well as preferable to the painful and devastating sickness, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier on my mental state.
  • Manic episodes-- Bipolar disorder makes it difficult to discern whether my restlessness is in fact restlessness or if it's just a part of a manic episode. My manic states usually include high anxiety, hyperactivity, and sometimes an inability to focus (which is not unlike the restlessness I feel.) I suppose some of it is to blame on my disorder but not all of it, I assume.

I hate this feeling of tension that seems to buzz around me all of the time now. It's a perfect storm of boredom, anxiety, disinterest, and heightened energy. I think one of the worst parts of this feeling is that I'm not sure if there is a cure for it. Everything I do to try and abate it seems to fail miserably. I don't know what else to try aside from cheap distraction techniques that undoubtedly wear thin after awhile. The issue is becoming like a deep scratch that I can't itch and it's driving me mad.

So, I suppose I'm destined to be forever restless. Or restless for now, anyway.

aug 26 2020 ∞
sep 22 2020 +