Lately, on certain days, I feel very down. It's a special kind of down though, not my generic woe is me kind or the apathy-laced wallowing that comes with a depressive state; it's more of a weak, lethargic sort. An inability to function normally. The absence of a desire to do anything, to be anything. No drive or will to move. No motivation to speak of. Unlike my other previous mental states, I feel no pain really. There are no crying fits or spiteful inner dialogues of self-blame, only nothingness. It's more akin to a physical illness than mental or emotional. I wonder if I am ill but I have no fever or any other symptoms aside from not wanting to leave my bedroom(#).

After work these past couple of weeks, I have immediately been crawling into bed, opting to skip dinner and other activities in favor of the cozy environment that is my safe haven. I know that I am getting far too much sleep (around 11 to 14 hours a night) and that this might indicate a deeper, underlying issue. Not only is the overabundance of sleep a problem, but I am having a hell of a time trying to get out of bed in the morning. I typically go to the gym to work out before my shift starts but recently I have started skipping, choosing more shut eye (that I already have plenty of) in lieu of exercise.

I wonder what is causing the "down" feeling. Could it be COVID-19(+) and all of the horrifying things that go along with it? Is it frustration with the current state of our country alongside its weak leader? Is it the junk food absent from my new diet which is causing cravings that will never be sated? Or is it cyclical depression that creeps up every so often unsuspectingly and without warning? I have no doubt all of these factors play a role in causing my down days and so I'm unable to pin all of the blame on one specific item. Therefore finding a definite solution becomes more difficult, which leads me to...

Some Possible Solutions:

  • Sticking to a routine set schedule every day.
  • Going to the doctor to be tested for illness and/ or vitamin deficiencies.
  • Making sure I'm getting proper nutrients and a balanced diet.
  • Resume drinking energy drinks on a limited basis.
  • Possibly switching my work out time to the afternoon instead of the morning.
  • If all else fails, consider speaking to my psychiatrist about switching medications.

I'm hoping that I'll break through this down phase eventually and get back to my mostly-positive self along with my new life of healthy habits. I just have to ride it out and keep trying to get out of my funk on my own. As long as I'm trying, right?

#. My bed is wonderful though and so it's difficult to get out of it on a good day. It's varying shades of gray with bamboo sheets, a silver comforter, and three sets of pillows that range from soft to firm. I have two memory foam mattress toppers that work very well. I also keep a tower fan right next to my bed in the summer so that it stays cool at night. There is nothing as good as cool sheets in the summer time.

+. Surely some of this feeling is COVID-19 related. It's hard not to feel defeated when every day the death toll continues to rise and there's no end in sight. What an absolute shit show it has become.

aug 26 2020 ∞
sep 22 2020 +