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I'm Amanda. I'm 19. I tend to like things. I especially like making lists about myself, other people and my viewpoints. I also like animals, feeling safe, remembering things and looking at / taking pictures. Some things I DON'T like include math, vomit, conflict and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Listography is probably my second-favourite website, after Livejournal. I reveal more of myself o...

furiousrose about me (I have never...)
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  • Spoken to him, though my gut said not to.
  • Gone to his house to give him a say in the matter.
  • Cried over him. Again and again.
  • Ever been like him.
  • Given him another chance.
  • Given into his personality, making it my own, and then effectively ruining the relationship with a guy who I may always love... BECAUSE I was too much like the previous abusive jerk.
  • Donated all of my old clothes because they reminded me of him, and not because I wanted to give back.
  • Believed that winning was more important. "The truth is, life only has one beginning and one end, and the rest is a whole lot of middle." - Glee (when I still watched it)
  • Dropped out instead of just switching schools.
  • Lied.
  • Wimped over period pain that really wasn't that painful.
  • Wimped over emotional pain that really wasn't that painful.
  • Wimped over easy.
  • Submitted.
  • Stopped watching Barney because everyone else laughed at me.
  • Not learned my times tables. I used to love Math.
  • Second guessed myself without a clear understanding of what I was looking at.
  • Broken his heart.
  • Started obsessing until I was depressing, just because my parents told me that if I wasn't sad, it wasn't "a normal reaction". I don't get sad in a crisis, by natural law. I'm usually the one in the family who takes control while everyone else is falling apart. And now, a voice in the back of my mind tells me that doing that "isn't normal".
  • Had a mental breakdown.
  • Had another mental breakdown.
  • Stopped emailing him.
  • Verbally attacked him out of fear that he was "just like the last one".
  • Become a manipulative snake, even if it was circumstantial (it continued for a while after, and I'll never forgive myself for it).
  • Stopped my singing lessons.
  • Quit ballet.
  • Quit my guitar lessons.
  • Lost touch with my Guitar teacher.
  • Lost touch with my English teacher.
  • Lost touch with myself.
  • Stopped reading.
  • Stopped singing.
  • Ignored my cat.
  • Made it all about me.
  • Ignored another human being's needs.
  • Become such a snob.
  • Hurt him, hurt him, hurt him!!!! I will NEVER stop regretting that!!!!
  • Been so selfish.
  • Procrastinated.
  • Denied someone their romantic happiness out of severe jealousy. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
  • Then, losing that person because I was an abusive jerk.
  • Let my fear dominate me.
  • Lost him. Again.
  • Was rude to him.
  • That I never see him again, all because of me.
  • Stayed locked up in my house for seven months, without leaving, because I was too afraid of seeing him in an unexpected way, and was too afraid of the (albeit horrificly, more-than-normally painful) repercussions of being around him.
feb 21 2011 ∞
mar 2 2011 +