- Spoken to him, though my gut said not to.
- Gone to his house to give him a say in the matter.
- Cried over him. Again and again.
- Ever been like him.
- Given him another chance.
- Given into his personality, making it my own, and then effectively ruining the relationship with a guy who I may always love... BECAUSE I was too much like the previous abusive jerk.
- Donated all of my old clothes because they reminded me of him, and not because I wanted to give back.
- Believed that winning was more important. "The truth is, life only has one beginning and one end, and the rest is a whole lot of middle." - Glee (when I still watched it)
- Dropped out instead of just switching schools.
- Lied.
- Wimped over period pain that really wasn't that painful.
- Wimped over emotional pain that really wasn't that painful.
- Wimped over easy.
- Submitted.
- Stopped watching Barney because everyone else laughed at me.
- Not learned my times tables. I used to love Math.
- Second guessed myself without a clear understanding of what I was looking at.
- Broken his heart.
- Started obsessing until I was depressing, just because my parents told me that if I wasn't sad, it wasn't "a normal reaction". I don't get sad in a crisis, by natural law. I'm usually the one in the family who takes control while everyone else is falling apart. And now, a voice in the back of my mind tells me that doing that "isn't normal".
- Had a mental breakdown.
- Had another mental breakdown.
- Stopped emailing him.
- Verbally attacked him out of fear that he was "just like the last one".
- Become a manipulative snake, even if it was circumstantial (it continued for a while after, and I'll never forgive myself for it).
- Stopped my singing lessons.
- Quit ballet.
- Quit my guitar lessons.
- Lost touch with my Guitar teacher.
- Lost touch with my English teacher.
- Lost touch with myself.
- Stopped reading.
- Stopped singing.
- Ignored my cat.
- Made it all about me.
- Ignored another human being's needs.
- Become such a snob.
- Hurt him, hurt him, hurt him!!!! I will NEVER stop regretting that!!!!
- Been so selfish.
- Procrastinated.
- Denied someone their romantic happiness out of severe jealousy. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Then, losing that person because I was an abusive jerk.
- Let my fear dominate me.
- Lost him. Again.
- Was rude to him.
- That I never see him again, all because of me.
- Stayed locked up in my house for seven months, without leaving, because I was too afraid of seeing him in an unexpected way, and was too afraid of the (albeit horrificly, more-than-normally painful) repercussions of being around him.
feb 21 2011 ∞
mar 2 2011 +