- I've deactivated my twt acc at 121718 bc something is really going on. Most especially to myself. I've decided to take a break and maybe breathe because im really having anxiety and overthinking attacks. My insecurities are swallowing me up. I'm questioning things of why are these all happening to me. Do i really deserve this? Things are not working well out in my life. I just feel sad. I even not spend time with my friends because I just feel really sad. After school, I go home straight. I'm doing this for months already. They even blamed kpop for the reason that I'm not going out/spending time with them anymore. But I said "it's not about kpop". I go with them during lunch/breaks but at dismissal time, I go straight home. I'm that type of friend who plays as a 'joker' in the group. I always make them laugh or smile by the things/actions I'm doing lol. But really behind those acts, I'm really sad and falling apart. Everything's falling apart. I'm slowly losing interest in everything. I even lost track in my studies. Not that my grades are falling apart but I always arrive late or even skip class. Life's really tough, I'm getting tired and sick of it. There are times that I just break down because of all the sadness I'm feeling. The 4 corners of my rest room are witnesses how sad and broken I am because of life. I often cry there because I really dont want to bother anyone. I don't want them to know that I feel this way. They're also battling their own wars and I'm not adding already adding up. Most of my thoughts are kept inside. I fear in sharing these thoughts because I'm scared. I can't really voice out because it's all mixed up. I always keep in mind that everything happens for a reason just to motivate me to keep going but with all the happenings, happening right now? I literally don't know anymore. It's so hard for me to take in. I'm not even a fan but this happening is like a sign for me?
- 121817 read all the posts about jonghyun who died because of depression on my personal acc. I'm not really a fan because my first ever kpop group is seventeen but I know him because of my friends and sister who are shawols. I'm seriously in shock. I don't know what to react, my mind's buffering and empty at that time. It hit me hard that money and fame can't really give you genuine happiness. We don't really know what's inside of a mind of the person. Questions are keep playin. Like why did he did this? What is he going through? Didn't he ever opened up to someone? These kind of stuffs, really. Heard that 100 shawols are already commiting suicide because of this. I'm really depressed. I HATE DEATHS. I often say 'IM TIRED I WANT TO DIE" in a joking manner but the truth is that's not really a joke. I'm having suicidal thoughts already, the only thing that stops is the thought of my family. We ain't perfect and rich but I witnessed how my parents and grandparents (im currently staying in my grandparent's) sacrificed a lot just to give everything what i need. I cant waste that. If only I can delete all their memories about me, I'd totally do it. I'm okay in disappearing this world, forgotten than leaving people hurt because of me. I may sound selfish but I'm just really tired. I'm not even half way of my life But I feel this shit already. How much more when I grow old? Those times when I get home from school, I change clothes and I go to sleep. Sleeping is the only coping mechanism I know. How i wish i can wash off away this sadness and problems just by sleeping but sadly it's not. Research says that people who sleep often are sad. Uhm??? I hope I can do this and fight this. I'm just tired.
dec 19 2017 ∞
jan 29 2018 +
jan 29 2018 +