Dear Sammy,

The days are getting warmer, and the weather is starting to remind me of the date we met: June 9th, 2021. The thing that reminded me is that I fell asleep on the couch in the warm temperature without a blanket – something I can never really do – and it felt perfect. I remember the weather feeling that balmy and humid years ago as I got into my car to drive to meet you at the foot of the Ravenel Bridge in Mt. Pleasant. I still remember you getting out of your Honda Civic, Sheila, wearing your blue ‘You Matter’ shirt and the biggest smile I’d ever seen. Like I’ve said a million times before, I had the feeling I’d known you forever in that moment, no words exchanged yet. You had this air of familiarity as soon as you exited your car; I’ve never felt anything like that before.

After we first met, we were inseparable, and it truly was my fault. I asked for a cocktail after walking the bridge, which turned into a sushi dinner – where I not only ate, but you fed me. I still think you may be the only person to realize the significance of this. Days later, I asked for you to tag along while I bought makeup, and I asked to tag along while you bought groceries. I turned what was meant to be a quick journey for groceries into a cocktail, again. I tried to set up your best friend with my best friend, and that was actually, what I think now, a double date between the four of us. That day turned. We all saw a scary movie, then you and I had a sleepover, and our first kiss. I could not have been more content, sleeping on that air mattress on the floor with you, falling asleep in your arms. I couldn’t have imagined being happier, in that moment.

I know I had my issues when we first met. I didn’t know what a lifetime together meant; I hadn’t kept any relationship for very long and I think I didn’t want to get too attached, knowing it would end. But the more kindness, patience, and love you showed me, the deeper I fell and the more comfortable I became. The assuredness, the kindness with my anxiety attacks, the forgiveness in the beginning made me grow so fond of you, so sure. It is odd looking back now; it feels like roles become reversed. My uncertainty in the beginning became your uncertainty in the end, after years of being together. It felt as though the more of me I showed, the more you saw as unlovable; the more I became someone you couldn’t stand to spend the rest of your life with. But the more time I spent with you, the more sure and excited I was for us to grow old together. So many plans now burned into ash.

I think that is where I struggle the most with us now. I want to believe you when you say you still love me, when you say you want to get married – to have a life together. I want to believe you because that is what I grew to want so badly with you, too. But it is hard to believe that time after time of being together, you always choose someone who isn’t me. And I always stay and choose you, a life with you, any time with you that I can possibly get, knowing you wouldn’t ever want to spend your life with me like you seemed to in the beginning. I’m sorry, for however I changed, that made you change your mind. I wish I knew what it was that made you decide differently.

Your girl, Grace