• Girl: "You guys played really well tonight, and you're really cute, but you should shave because I like clean shaven guys."

Me: "Hey thanks, but I can't shave; I look like I'm seventeen without a beard." Girl: "Hello?! Look at me! I look like I'm twelve anyway!" Me: "Maybe you should grow a beard." Girl: "I can't grow a beard!" Me: "Ahh, the trick is to shave up, you see." Girl: "..." Me: "Never mind."

• Girl: "Can I have a green smash?"

Me: "Unfortunately we don't have green." Girl: "Oh...." Me: "How about I just put blue and yellow in the same cup and mix it around a lot?." Girl: "..." Me: "Never mind."

• Christian: (German accent)"Hello Brodie, my name is Christian and this is Denis; he is my oldest friend in Brisbane"

Me: "Yes; all his other friends are only 21." Brodie & Christian: "..." Me: "Never mind."

• Me: (Standing in the office at work showing someone a piece of Jehovah's Witness propaganda printed on a piece of paper which is designed like a million dollar bill. Jess walks up behind.)

Jess: (A suspicious tone) "Hey Denis, is that a fake one million dollar bill?" Me: "No Jess, it's a real one."

• Me: "So... do you think anybody will actually turn up to the gig tonight?"

Danni: "I don't know. But surely Ruwan will bring his harem... and their babysitters." Me: "Haha. No no! That's perfect!! What we'll do to get more people through the door right, is insist that all the girls bring their toothbrushes, put them in a barrel as they enter, and at the end of the night, we'll draw out five and they all get to go home with Ruw!!!" Danni: "Hahahah! Brilliant! We'll call it, "Ruwan's One Night Stand, Cavity Free Challenge!" Me: "Hehehe, well, we can't really say that Danni 'cause it's false advertising - we all know there won't be any free cavities."