- Socks: buy ten pairs of black cotton socks and ten woollen; and stick to black for the rest of your life, saving hundreds of hours trying to match odd socks.
- Knots: these tend to tighten under tension: compression can loosen them; so to unpick, push rather than pull apart, first stiffening up the cord by twisting with (not counter to) the cord’s existing twist.
- Shaving: except when the stubble is very heavy, shave against rather than with the lie of the beard.
- Port can cause a ghastly hangover.
- Charged by a bullock, lunge: he’ll back off. But not a bull. Learn to distinguish. Bullocks have no balls.
- A good-looking man always knows this; there are no shy, modest Adonises, waiting to be discovered by you. Few people are genuinely unaware of any great talent they possess.
- Bloodstains can be removed by pouring boiling water through (not over) the cloth.
- Candle wax really can be ironed out of clothes or rugs by ironing between sheets of newspaper.
- Generally speaking, a worm won’t turn, or he already would have. Proceed on the working assumption that most people will carry on behaving as they’ve always behaved so far.
- Never fly to anywhere outside America via Miami.
- There’s usually a reason why friendless people lack friends.
- Non-ferrous metals don’t trigger most security scanners, so don’t bother to empty your pockets of change.
- Never kid yourself you can make something of somebody; instead, find someone who’s making something of themselves, and help them, otherwise years can be expended trying to push the human equivalent of a wet end of spaghetti up a wall.
- If milk’s even a bit off, it’s off.
- Wasps really don’t sting unless attacked.
- Coffee grounds get everywhere.
- Be brutal about wedding invitations: there are only so many Saturdays in your life.
- Squeezing spots really does aggravate the inflammation.
- All occasions on which women wear hats are utterly pointless.
- If you think you might be about to be sick, you are about to be sick: run to the loo. If you feel you might be about to faint, you will unless you drop to the floor immediately.
- Nothing in politics is more than 85 per cent certain.
- Resolve now — now — never to iron a shirt in your life: make this your starting-point, your irreducible core, and find another way.
- Sick animals are almost always going to die.
- A struggling shrub or tree is usually beyond help.
- Mildew and fungal blights are impossible to eradicate.
- Violently boiling water isn’t any hotter than gently boiling water.
- Don’t think people aren’t going to notice dirty fingernails.
- You can eradicate nettles but there’s no point attacking ground-elder. Rubbing nettle stings really does make them worse.
- People who say their first impressions are always right are people too pig-headed to revise them; first impressions can be wholly wrong.
- Never underestimate the pleasure that can be given by cancelling a party: busy friends love an unexpected diary window.
- Sex: don’t overlook the possibility that the other person is waiting for you to make the first move; and remember that no male, however indifferent to your charms, is actually offended by a pass being made at him, though he may be a little startled.
- If practicable, carry heavy bags, cases or furniture on your head: much less strain.
- If the first nail won’t hammer into a wall, the second won’t either.
- Never accuse someone of stealing unless you’re absolutely sure.
- Never return a gift. Never rescind an invitation.
- Never think that someone who might have expected to be included won’t notice they haven’t been.
- Buy wide-toed shoes, a size too big, go shoe-less whenever possible, and you’ll still have perfect feet at 60.
- Wash your hair with water and ban shampoo: this really works.
- Whenever contemplating taking out insurance, don’t — but deposit the amount of the premium in an earmarked savings account. You’ll almost certainly end up miles ahead.
- When things stop working the natural human assumption that there’s a particular cause is frequently mistaken: often there are multiple causes in malign combination.
- Friends won’t volunteer criticism: you have to ask.
- Patent car-radiator-sealing fluids rarely solve the problem.
- You can walk away from bores: they’re used to this and develop thick skins.
- When tossing and turning in an irrational half-awake state of insomnia, wake yourself up properly, switch on the light, get up and strip and remake your bed, then go back to bed.
- When cocking up a task, “stop; abort; start again” is usually better than trying to rectify.
- If you’re standing up to read newspapers you’re getting long-sighted: reading glasses can be obtained for £2; buy ten.
- If, at a moment when any reasonable person would expect you to lose your cool completely, you instead don’t, and stay calm and collected, nobody present will ever forget this about you.
- In plumbing or siphoning, air-locks are often the problem, and run counter to the laws of physics.
- By acting bravely we become brave; not the other way round.
- Never melt wax in a saucepan you hope to use again.
nov 23 2009 ∞
mar 29 2012 +
mar 29 2012 +