Be forewarned: you shouldn't take us seriously.

• "I think chris has a thing for asian chicks haha on games btw" -Pedro, via text message
• "I touch my stuff all the time. I like stuff." -Ross
• dialogue
  • Chris: Look at this jacket. It's so warm.
  • Me: Really? It's so thin.
  • Chris: You're so thin.
• dialogue
  • Pedro: Whatever you give me, I'll eat it. Unless it's not edible.
  • Chris: Hey, Pedro, would you like some cup?
• "When you least expect it, I'm gonna wolf hat you." -Chris
• "That is not the appropriate way for your body to react." -Chris, referring to vomiting from inserting large objects up the anus
• "If they made Pepto-Bismol flavored ice cream, I'd eat it." -Ross
• "I'm sorry." -Chris, patting a skinny tree stump in winter
• "I'm upset. Harumph!" -Chris
• "I don't give grades for personal reasons. I got a C on a poem in college and I thought, 'How does this help me? You might as well give me an S for Stop, you suck.'" -Prof. Fran
• "Not that there's anything wrong with sex, drugs, and violence . . ." -Prof. Fran
• "You want some fiction that's really cool?" -Pedro, handing me a New Testament Bible
• dialogue
  • Chris: It's 5:06!
  • Me: What does that mean?
  • Chris: It means you're beautiful.
• "Anyone ever heard of Bismarck, a big German battleship named after a town in South Dakota?" -Prof. Dan
• dialogue
  • Me: There's a hole in my sock.
  • Iesl: Then there's a moth in your dresser.
  • Me: Mom gave me these socks. She's preparing me for hobo living.
  • Iesl: Even hobos have better socks than you.
  • Me: She's starting me out small.
• "I'm proud of myself. I wrote, like, a sentence while looking at you." -Debbie
• "Reverse sexism is a huge problem. People won't hire me to babysit because of my penis and bulging muscles." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Guy: You know what else is not very cold?
  • Girl: Your heart?
  • Guy: My vagina.
• dialogue
  • Me: (laying my head in Chris's lap) What's in your pocket?
  • Chris: (naughty chuckle)
• "Ugh! She opened her mouth." -Pedro, turning away from the sensual vomiting video
• dialogue
  • Me: Girls and guys are different. Guys, I feel, will only go out with girls they find attractive, but girls—if the guy's got a nice enough personality—we'll give him a shot.
  • Pedro: Well, good news for me 'cause I've got a fucking awesome personality, right? Right?
• dialogue
  • Chris: God, I wanna play Pokémon.
  • Ross: (singsong) Haha, you can't.
  • Chris: Fuck you.
• "Oh, Crystal, you should have been there. We were suggesting a jerkle circ." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Ross: I wish people would tell everyone what they think of each other.
  • Chris: I think my feelings would get hurt too much.
• "I would hug you, Ross, but I'm not wearing any pants." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Evan: You're really weird, Chen. Most Chinese kids are bland, but you're exciting.
  • Pedro: Evan is stimulated by you.
  • Evan: Stimulate me more, Chen.
• dialogue
  • Anthony O.: It's so hard being a girl.
  • Ross: Yes, it is.
  • Chris: Amen.
• dialogue
  • Ross: Oh, look. It's a glow-in-the-dark star.
  • Chris: (sarcastically) How cute.
  • Me: It is cute. It's teeny. (under my breath) Like your dick.
  • Ross: I heard that.
  • Pedro: No more slumber parties.
  • Chris: Get out.
• dialogue
  • Me: Are you gonna do homework in your boxers?
  • Chris: No, I'm ready for bed, but there's a big mathematician in my bed.
• "Good! I like the thing he did with animals." -Jordan
• dialogue, while watching House
  • Dr. Cameron: He's urinating blood.
  • Pedro: Oh, shit!
  • Chris: Haha! Pedro, you'd make a great doctor. He's bleeding into his liver. "Oh, shit!"
• "Try an experiment. Keep your cat awake. What will happen? It'll get insane over time. Cats are nutty." -Prof. Dan
• "You can get started by taking the wrapper off while we wait for the rest of your classmates. I could demo that for you if you want me to." -Prof. Mark
• dialogue
  • Tyler: Surprise! (sets a plate on the table)
  • Girls: Eww! What is the white stuff?
• dialogue
  • Pedro: I seem to be the only one who gives a shit about people conforming to a specific group.
  • Me: But everyone does it, even us.
  • Pedro: Yeah, but we shouldn't.
  • Me: Oh, so why can't everybody be friends with everyone?
  • Pedro: No, fuck that.
• "Look at the limitation of the fission track method: Materials rare in archaeological context. That's because people don't generally live in volcanoes." -Prof. Dan
• "You would be cute if you didn't have purple hair." -Anthony C., to me
• "Open your fucking ears, Crystal." -Chris
• "Stephen says he's okay with gay people, but he doesn't like to be around them in case they hit on him, and I'm like, 'Do you know how the world works?'" -Chris
• "Did you go to the gift shop?" -Chris, to Abigail describing her visit to Auschwitz
• "My mouth is really dry right now. Fetch me water." -Ross, to me (the only girl)
• "I think I know how retards feel right now." -Ross, his first time getting high
• "Man, I don't get Anthony. Why wouldn't you wanna clone a mammoth?" -Pedro
• dialogue
  • Pedro: Is Jordan a yuppie?
  • Chris: Oh, yeah. Out of the ass!
• dialogue
  • Me: "Subtle" is a really good word. I overuse it, though. And "terrible".
  • Pedro: Jordan overuses his voice.
• "Explooooode. Explode on the page!" -Chris, sketching
• "I should suck harder next time." -Ted, drunk
• "I WILL NEVER SUCK HIS DICK—NEVER EVER." -Ted, drunk
• "I just wanna dance." -Ted, drunk and dancing in his seat
• "I was really high when I watched it. I thought it was a documentary, so I shit my pants." -Erik, referring to Avatar
• "I don't like doing anything sober." -Sam
• "As Anthony said, I only have 71% personality. The rest of me is one-dimensional." -Isaac
• dialogue
  • Prof. Josh: What'd you guys have for Sunday dinner?
  • Student: Ramen noodles!
  • Prof. Josh: That's what we call an "inferior good".
• dialogue
  • Kei: You told me to study the wrong thing.
  • Yetunde: I did tell you to study the wrong thing. I was trying to sabotage your grade.
  • Kei: I'm gonna shit in your mouth while you're sleeping.
• dialogue
  • Pedro: That "Single? Come on in!" sign, stick it on a woman. Or a guy.
  • Me: Yeah, don't be discriminatory.
  • Ross: That's gay. I mean, stupid.
  • Me: It actually would be gay.
• dialogue
  • Jordan: They spelled "birthdays" with an apostrophe. That's disgusting!
  • Gavin: Well, books and newspapers have that mistake, too.
  • Jordan: Yeah, but it's been happening increasingly over the years. Shifting values.
• dialogue
  • Me: Aw, you'd kick someone's ass on my behalf?
  • Chris: No, I wouldn't kick someone's ass on anyone's behalf.
  • Me: Yeah, I wouldn't want you to. You'd lose.
  • Chris: Shut up. Anyway, I'd win 'cause I wouldn't fight fair. If it's a guy, straight for the nuts. And if it's a girl, I'd pull her hair.
• "If Amber tried to mug me, I'd pull her hair. Actually, I'd probably run away." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Emeline: Where'd you get that?
  • Tami: My magic bag.
  • Sarrah: That sounds creepy, sounds like something you use to capture little children.
  • Tami: You know Sailor Moon? She just pulls things out of nowhere.
• "Next time you don't know what to say, just be like, 'Take off your pants.'" -Tami
• "Spotted hyena. There aren't many of those in Europe today, unless they're in the stock market." -Prof. Dan
• "Moose are very cranky. They can't even stand the company of other moose. Fortunately, I've never had to tangle with one." -Prof. Dan
• "Well . . . I didn't have to poop in an Xbox." -Ross
• dialogue
  • Ross: I want to slide around on the ice, but I don't want to do it alone because I'd look like a loser.
  • Isaac: Here, take him with you. (hands Ross a stuffed puppy with large eyes)
  • Ross: Oh, I won't look like a loser now. (to the puppy) You're so sad and cute.
• "Since you're from New Orleans, have you ever exposed yourself during Mardi Gras?" -Chris, to Amber
• dialogue
  • Camden: Pedro, why are you looking at flashing lights? Usually, you're looking at cats.
  • Pedro: That was one time!
  • Amber: Kitty porn?
• "Oh, look at you, Harvard. Who are you kidding?" -Chris, to Sarrah wearing a Harvard hoodie
• dialogue
  • Ross: Chris, Chris, Chris, I know the meaning of life.
  • Chris: What is it?
  • Ross: There is no meaning.
• "What is that? That's really neat! Wait— it smells bad." -Chris
• "Things you should do to get rid of an unwanted guest: Act like Ted." -Chris
• "Things you shouldn't do at a hospital: You shouldn't . . . kiss yo grandma. You shouldn't smell your feet. Ew." -Chris
• "We drank three bottles of wine. Ross, don't you feel like a champion?" -Chris
• dialogue
  • Me: Sleeping for 11 hours seems like such a waste of time.
  • Chris: You're a waste of time.
  • Me: (pouts)
  • Chris: You're a waste of kisses.
  • Me: Wah!
  • Chris: Wait— that didn't sound any better. (tries kissing me)
  • Me: (immobile)
  • Chris: You're a very worthwhile kissing endeavor.
• "Squirrels will fuck a bitch up." -Chris
• "When I'm full, I'm sleepy. And when I wake up, I'm hungry. What a perfect circle." -Chen
• "Sometimes I think it'd be easier to sell crack." -Chris, questioning his biology major
• dialogue
  • Ted: Help me come up with a joke.
  • Chris: I'm bad at speeches.
  • Ted: But you're funny!
  • Chris: I'm not funny on purpose. I can't just conjure something up.
• "Readers are nosy. They want to know what the bathroom smelled like that night you contemplated swallowing an entire bottle of children's aspirin. That was me. I was young. They are tasty." -Prof. Fran
• "Pedro and I smoked pot in the room once. We tried blowing into Anthony's Dust Devil, but it turns out it just blows the air back out." -Chris
• "I'm just kissing you for luck. Not that you need it 'cause you've got skill." -Me, to Chris playing Pokémon
• "I don't think six-year-olds even have the basics of sex. Two people get together and make a gerbil!" -Prof. Fran
• dialogue
  • Ross: One of my world history teachers looked like an owl. The other looked like a mouse.
  • Chen: Were you at the zoo?
• "Ted is just too persistent." -Chris
• "Reagan didn't care about revenues which is why we spent like drunken sailors." -Prof. Josh
• "Does it close when she achieves whoopee?" -Ross, referring to Teeth
• dialogue
  • Ted: I hate my job. I have to get up at 7.
  • Pedro: Well, you chose it.
  • Ted: I thought it would be fun. I get to prep salad.
• "Write this down: penis." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Chris: We should watch Planet Earth.
  • Ross: No.
  • Chris: Why not?
  • Ross: Because I don't want to.
  • Chris: Fuck you, Ross. Fuck you.
• dialogue
  • Me: Pedro, are you okay? Should I take that drink away from you for a while?
  • Pedro: No.
  • Ross: It's okay. He doesn't wanna dance.
• dialogue, while playing Scrabble
  • Me: "Foodly"? That's not a word.
  • Pedro: It also doesn't work that way.
  • Patrick: "L'feared". It's French.
• "The Penis Monologues. Yeah, that would be wildly unpopular." -Chris
• "Penises don't have much to say." -Chris
• "I'd rather play Pokémon than communicate with people." -Chris
• dialogue, on Omegle
  • Stranger: do u think what can make up a good coversation?
  • Ross: Try asking again.
• dialogue
  • Chris: Do you have any Middle East stories?
  • Alexis: Like what? Bombings and terrorists?
  • Chris: Sure, but I was thinking like genies.
• "Hurry up." -Prof. Dan, to the last student taking a quiz
• dialogue
  • Me: Chris asked me if I had any Valentine's Day fantasies.
  • Pedro: I'm sure you do.
  • Me: Why? Because I'm a girl?
  • Pedro: It's okay. I have boy fantasies.
• "I can't wait to grow old. Old people party so hard." -Mathias
• dialogue
  • Ian: I love your mother. She's my neighbor. I'm surprised she hasn't called the cops on me.
  • Mathias: If you knew the things my friend and I did in high school, you wouldn't be so surprised.
  • Ian: Yeah, but once I threw a pumpkin in her yard and stomped on it and pissed in the grass.
• "I know I'm going to pass out if I have a kid. That's the way I want it to be. I don't want to see, hear, feel, or remember any of it. I just want to wake up and there be a kid." -Camden
• "Look at this man-dinner. (growls) Barbecue tofu." -Chris
• "We need to email my parents what to feed you. My dad didn't know what a vegan was." -Camden, to Amber
• dialogue
  • Camden: When I'm old and decrepit, I'm gonna start smoking weed and drinking really cheap beer.
  • Me: Why wait to smoke weed?
  • Chris: Yeah, by then I'd do heroin.
• dialogue
  • Camden: Weed makes you preejaculate.
  • Chris: What are your sources?
  • Camden: Cosmo.
• dialogue
  • Chris: I hate Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays. So overwhelming. I'm just mentally exhausted by the end of the day.
  • Me: I guess that means no sex.
• dialogue
  • Jordan: My dermatologist's secretary is his wife.
  • Chris: Whose wife?
• "There was a nudist tanner in Milwaukee. He would set up these giant solar panels that looked like tin foil and just lie on a hill, naked. He died of skin cancer, and his name—you are not going to believe this—was Dick Bacon." -Prof. Fran
• dialogue
  • Chris: Ross, I made you this shape.
  • Ross: Oh, thank you. Pedro, I made you—
  • Pedro: You just gifted—
  • Ross: Shut the fuck up.
• dialogue
  • Chris: (butchered) Au revoir.
  • Me: Au revoir.
  • Chris: (butchered) Bon voyage.
  • Pedro: (shakes his head)
  • Chris: Fuck you!
• "I only like touching when I initiate it." -Angeline
• dialogue
  • Chris: Oh, Crystal, you look like a chrysalis. Except when you come out, you'll look the same.
  • Me: (pouts)
  • Chris: Because you can't get more beautiful.
• dialogue
  • Prof. Fran: Unfortunately, the Martha Nussbaum lecture was canceled. She's ill.
  • Ian: Selfish.
• "My parents are against Disney, so the only movies I've seen are The Little Mermaid and Lion King—and that was this year." -Megan
• "I like poetic, beautifully-written bitching." -Ross
• dialogue
  • Pedro: I don't think people would like us joking about rape.
  • Camden: Wow. For a second, I almost gave a shit.
  • Pedro: You are such a bitch.
• "Now, are you sure you're not pregnant? What if the test was wrong? If there's a baby growing inside of you, I'll kill it, I'll kill it." -Chris, squeezing my stomach
• "We're going to have a very special showing of 'Two Girls One Cup' in my room." -Anthony
• dialogue
  • Chris: Crystal, how are you so beautiful?
  • Pedro: Okay. That's my cue to leave.
• "What do you dance to in the wee hours of the morning?" -Mathias, to Prof. Fran
• dialogue
  • Chris: Name one good thing about civilized society.
  • Pedro: Ice cream.
  • Chris: Okay.
  • Amber: Glitter.
  • Camden: Makeup.
  • Ross: You guys are just stupid bitches.
  • Pedro: High five, Ross.
• dialogue
  • Galen: Raise your hand if you're not here.
  • Girl: (raises her hand)
  • Guy: Whoa, someone's already drunk.
• dialogue
  • Chris: (reading a flyer) "Do you like free stuff that makes you feel comfortable and relaxed?" Yeah. "Come make a bed buddy." I already have a bed buddy. (grins at me)
  • Pedro: (makes a face)
• "Everybody has something that they do that's subconscious. Yours is just unfortunate 'cause people laugh at it." -Ross, referring to Chris's game face
• "I bet the true meaning of the universe is: shit happens." -Chris
• "Never buy a man a man-bag. Unless he asks for it. And then he has to show you the exact one. Worst gift ever." -Prof. Fran
• "It's funny when pretty girls throw up on themselves. How does it feel to be human?" -Chris
• dialogue
  • Ross: I'm ready to leave.
  • Camden: Good for fucking you.
  • Chris: You know what? I'm ready to leave, too. This negative behavior makes it hard to enjoy my coffee.
  • Me: Especially since it's gone.
• "My advisor would only talk to me while he went outside to smoke. He used to explain marginal utility in terms of his health. He'd want all his organs to fail at the same time. He'd say, 'Clearly, I'm not drinking enough because my lungs are going to give out before my liver does.'" -Prof. Josh
• dialogue
  • Pedro: You've never played Pokémon.
  • Me: Oh, does that illegitimize everything I say?
• "There was an oath, but we swore on the Bible, so it doesn't mean anything." -Chris, referring to the Phi Kappa Psi initiation
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: I came to play Pokémon. How do I start? Oh. "Start." Do I choose "New Game"?
  • Ross: No! Just put it down.
• "Let's smoke in the fucking swine flu room!" -Chris
• dialogue
  • Pedro: Hey, Chris. Are you still looking for your cigarette?
  • Chris: No, I forgot about it.
  • Pedro: Maybe it's out in the lounge.
  • Chris: Oh, I hope it's not in the lounge. Someone would step on it and break it and kick its ass when I could be smoking it.
• "My first impression of Chris was . . . I walked into the room and saw him hanging bats from the ceiling, and I thought, 'Oh nooo.' And his parents were there watching." -Anthony, referring to his roommmate
• "I don't like it when you look at me and you're kissing Crystal." -Ross, to Chris
• "Sometimes I drink a lot of coffee and just pass out." -Chris
• "There was one point during winter where everything shocked me, mainly Crystal." -Chris
• "I don't have to drive because this beautiful lady's driving for me." -Chris, drunk and kissing me on the cheek
• dialogue
  • Chris: I wish I wasn't so drunk.
  • Me: Why?
  • Chris: 'Cause I'm drunk.
• "There's something very wrong about this. I'm gonna go." -Chris, entering without knocking while I changed in his twelve-year-old sister's room
• "I think I can quit smoking now because before I didn't have a pipe to smoke pot out of, so I had to use a cigarette, and when I got a taste of that tobacco—Aah! Like blood in the water." -Chris
• "Yeah, I just went straight to lickin' it. I don't know what I was thinking." -Alessia
• "If you put glitter in drugs, I would definitely do them." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Chris: I bet Crystal had more fun at my house than Amber had at yours.
  • Camden: I bet you and Crystal did things Amber and I didn't do.
  • Pedro: (shakes his head)
• dialogue
  • Chris: You want my spoon? I used it to scoop dirt, but I think it's clean now.
  • Me: No. You barely wash yourself. How can I trust the spoon is clean?
  • Chris: Shut up. (beats me with a pillow)
• dialogue
  • Me: You owe me $9.
  • Chris: Can I pay you in sexual favors?
  • Me: It'll take you a long time to pay me back.
  • Chris: What is that supposed to mean?
  • Me: I'm just kidding.
  • Chris: Get out of my bed.
• "Where did you put your keys, you dumb ho?" -Camden, to Amber
• dialogue, Camden and Anthony O. leave the table
  • Amber: Guys, wait for me!
  • Chris: What? We're not good company? Fuck you.
• dialogue
  • Camden: Is it you? Do you smell beautiful? (sniffs Anthony O.) No.
  • Anthony O.: Bitch! (turns away)
• dialogue
  • Chris: I think Jason Schwartzman is hot.
  • Me: Ew.
  • Chris: Well, you have awful taste in men. You're dating me.
  • Me: I think you're very cute.
  • Chris: Exactly.
• dialogue
  • Chris: (embraces me)
  • Me: (kisses his neck)
  • Chris: (punches buttons on Gameboy over my shoulder)
• dialogue
  • Chris: Maybe if I eat enough ice cream, I'll feel better.
  • Me: The first step to getting better is a positive attitude!
  • Chris: Well, I'm fucked.
• dialogue
  • Chris: (squeezes my stomach)
  • Me: Stop, I have a full tummy.
  • Chris: Full of babies.
  • Me: No.
  • Chris: It will be when I'm done with you.
• "What is wrong with my vibrator?" -Alessia
• "You have Farrah Fawcett hair, you know that?" -Camden, to Pedro
• dialogue
  • Chris: How was Haven?
  • Me: I like it, but it's really warm inside.
  • Chris: You're warm inside.
• dialogue
  • Chris: It's amazing how much people don't like to look at ugly people.
  • Me: Yeah, but you wouldn't show any interest in a girl if you didn't first find her attractive.
  • Chris: I know, but you're an exception.
• "I ordered a prime rib and it was so pink and moist. I was eating a vagina!" -Alessia
• dialogue
  • Domaneak: (to Abigail) You're not gonna eat for 36 hours? You're gonna die.
  • Chris: I don't think you'll die, but you'll get fu-fu-fu-fucked up.
• dialogue
  • Isaac: I could make your mom happy.
  • Me: Uh-huh. Seeing as how you're out here playing Call of Duty and your girlfriend's in there, I'm not sure how happy you can make a woman.
  • Domaneak: Yeah, why are you out here?
  • Isaac: I'm trying to beat this level.
  • Domaneak: (raising his brows) I'd be trying to beat other levels.
  • Isaac: I already have the high score.
• dialogue
  • (lesbian couple passes)
  • Chris: Ew.
  • Me: Why'd you say "ew"? Because they're lesbians?
  • Chris: Gross. Lesbians. No, it's like ugly couples everywhere; you just say "ew".
  • Me: Do you think people say "ew" when they see us?
  • Chris: No, we're beautiful.
• dialogue
  • Chris: (returns from library) I knew I'd find you here. I knew I'd find you sleeping.
  • Me: Well, it was either be horny or be sleepy, and since you weren't here . . .
  • Chris: Are those the only things you're capable of feeling?
• dialogue
  • Me: Why am I so tired all the time?
  • Chris: It takes a lot of energy being so cute.
• dialogue
  • Me: Ow! A ladybug bit me! Why would it bite me?
  • Chris: You probably look so cute, it just wanted to eat you up. Om nom nom.
• dialogue
  • Pedro: Once, I had to swim in 50-degree water.
  • Me: Well, that's fine, isn't it?
  • Pedro: Are you kidding me? It was freezing! I was crying.
• "I'm gonna switch places now. I love you guys. Bye!" -Angeline, ditching us for Hannah
• "I like plain academia nuts." -Chris, meaning macadamia nuts
• "Ugh, men are just the cause of all the world's problems." -Chris
• dialogue, after The Vagina Monologues
  • Chris: What would your vagina wear?
  • Me: Nothing. I think it's a nudist.
  • Chris: Not even accessories?
  • Me: Nope.
  • Chris: What would it say?
  • Me: More sex, please!
• dialogue
  • Chris: No! (shielding his nipples) Don't make me push you off the bed.
  • Me: You can play with mine. Please?
  • Chris: But you like it! Mine tickle.
• "Zombie is a spondee. You don't say ZOMbie or zomBIE. Then they wouldn't be scary." -Prof. Fran
• dialogue
  • Isaac: Wasn't it Mark Twain who said, "The root of all laughter is sadness"? And if you think about Looney Tunes, it was funny but it was animals getting hurt.
  • Chris: But there's comedy that doesn't involve people getting hurt or dying.
  • Isaac: Racism.
  • Chris: Haha! Now, that's funny.
• "His behavior is completely unacceptable, but there's something captivating about him." -Chris, referring to Kevin
• "I was really amazed by their hips. The music was like (bass sounds) and their hips were like (gestures). I tried doing it in the shower. I couldn't." -Pedro, referring to the drag show divas and their undulating hips
• dialogue
  • Prof. Dan: Wednesday is Spring Day. I won't be here anyway, and I probably won't be back by Friday. So no more classes this week.
  • Class: Aww.
  • Prof. Dan: Yeah, right. You're already playing.
• "Did yours already come typed?" -John, unknowingly complimenting my handwriting
• "Chen, you're gonna die young. They're gonna autopsy you to find out what's wrong. They're gonna say, 'Oh no, this boy is 95% brownie.'" -Chris
• "Oh my god, I pee and everyone comes." -Amelia, returning from the bathroom for her senior reading
• dialogue
  • Chris: You have something stuck in your teeth.
  • Isaac: (picks at his teeth)
  • Chris: Here, let me. (sticks out his tongue seductively)
• "I felt so out of the loop. Everyone was like Buffy, Buffy, Buffy or tennis, tennis, tennis or girls, girls, girls. I'm none of those things." -Chris, referring to Sarrah's party
• "Pick on someone your own col— I mean, size." -Pedro, to Darryl who is tall and black
• "I went to your room. Alessia was in there and just started talking." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Ross: I looked at Pedro's Google search. The first world was "huge" and the next letter was "p", so I thought he was looking up a huge penis.
  • Pedro: No, I was looking up "huge paperclip".
  • Me: Why?
  • Pedro: I wanted to know what the world's biggest paperclip looked like.
• "There is no guess. There is only sudoku." -Chris
• "That's English 205, by the way. I tried to make it look like a swear word." -Prof. Fran, explaining ENGL @)%
• dialogue
  • Megan: This took place on a tiny island in Scotland.
  • Ian: Pope Benedict's Play Palace.
• "I show poems to my engineer boyfriend, but when he says something I don't like I go, 'What do you know? You're an engineer.'" -Prof. Fran
• dialogue
  • Prof. Fran: Have you been to the Taco Truck?
  • John: (laughs) Sounds like dysentery.
  • Lauren: (ignoring him) Where is it?
  • Prof. Fran: Mathias?
  • Mathias: (raises his head) Mm?
  • Prof. Fran: Oh, wait. Autozone. Never mind. Go back to sleep.
• "I saw Jake's penis!" -Chris, running into the room
• "I was interested in econ in high school. But then the teacher touched me. And now all I can think about is Jake's penis." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: Do you still have the peppermint schnapps?
  • Chris: Why?
  • Sarrah: Kidan is sick. Her nose is stuffy.
  • Chris: Alcohol inhibits your immune system, but (hands over the bottle) here you go.
• "Pretty slim turnout." -Prof. Dan, looking at his watch then at his class
• dialogue
  • Prof. Dan: Anyone know where these critters come from?
  • Kei: Asia?
  • Prof. Dan: No. Africa. They're a very specific kind of monkey. Know what it is?
  • Kei: A macaque?
  • Prof. Dan: (long silence) I don't know what they're called.
• dialogue
  • Kristina: (playing with baby Henry) Are you thinking of any more?
  • Ben: Uhh, not this week.
• "The only football I follow is American." -Lizzie, during a UK soccer discussion
• dialogue
  • Me: Alessia tells me about her bowel movements. Once, she told me, "I had three bowel movements today. Isn't that too many?"
  • Chris: No, I have a friend who has seven bowel movements a day. When we were on our roadtrip, Igor would say, "Guys, I have to poop again." God, he poops so much.
• "I don't know what an American looks like. There is too much mixing." -Pedro
• dialogue
  • Me: (sips rum and coke) Ugh! Can I get more coke?
  • Guy: What a reaction.
  • Me: It's my first time drinking.
  • Guy: You'll love it eventually.
  • Galen: Congratulations!
  • Chris: Shots all around!
• dialogue, my first time drinking
  • Chris: Do you feel good at all?
  • Me: No, I just feel feverish.
  • Chris: Oh, man. Maybe you're just not meant to take drugs.
• dialogue, my first night drinking
  • Chris: (kisses me, smacks my butt, grabs my crotch)
  • Pedro: You know, I can see you guys in the window.
  • Chris: (to me, later) I'm sure he just saw us kissing.
• "Earlier, I wanted to take my clothes off, but nobody would let me." -Angeline
• dialogue, making Easy Mac while drunk
  • Chris: That looks so bad.
  • Me: Ew, Pedro you need to look at this. It looks like macaroni and cheese soup.
  • Pedro: Ugh! Holy shit!
  • Chris: Even I'm not okay with this, and I'm really drunk.
  • Me: You wanna try to make another one?
  • Pedro: (laughs)
  • Me: What? Does it sound like I'm talking about a baby?
• dialogue
  • Me: Did you really just put an "h" in my name?
  • Chris: Fuck you. I'm drunk. I can't spell.
  • Me: Yeah, but it's my name.
  • Chris: I wouldn't be able to spell my own name right now. But you can make fun of me because it's not my first time drinking, so I have no excuse.
  • Me: Ooh. Does that mean I get a free pass on everything?
  • Pedro: (mutters) Yeah, a free pass to be a dumb bitch.
• "One of the best things about drinking is you get to be a detective. You get to piece together the happenings of last night." -Chris
• "True or false: The Poonani do this." -Chris, making up a sample anthropology exam question on indigenous cultures
• dialogue
  • Chris: Rocko's Modern Life is the highest form of entertainment.
  • Me: Did you finish art?
  • Chris: No.
  • Me: Isn't it due tomorrow?
  • Chris: Don't you talk to me about procrastinating.
• "It's just a little quiz. It's not gonna be a serious threat to your sanity." -Prof. Dan
• dialogue
  • Me: Agh, I don't wanna write.
  • Chris: What do you have to write?
  • Me: Just this poem. But I feel like it's going to be really long because some of these requirements don't seem like they'd be in one poem.
  • Isaac: Like what?
  • Me: Like . . . "a fruit" and "a line that deals with time, nostalgia, hope, or despair".
  • Isaac: You could write about a banana rotting.
  • Me: And "the name of a place and a body of water".
  • Isaac: A banana rotting in a lake in New Jersey.
  • Me: "A sentence that skirts reason but sounds great".
  • Chris: All men are created equal.
• dialogue
  • Isaac: What is this brown stuff?
  • Ross: Poop.
  • Chris: It's probably chocolate.
  • Ross: Smell it.
  • Isaac: (smells the couch cushion)
  • Ross: (pushes Isaac's face into the stain)
  • Isaac: (laughing) It's chocolate. What if it was poop?
• dialogue
  • Evan: This art needs more string cheese. (shakes a can)
  • Chris: Uh, no. It's not that artsy.
  • Ross: String cheese your ass.
  • Chris: Yeah, let me draw my self-portrait on your ass.
  • Evan: I would totally be up for it.
  • Chris: You would have to come to class with me. And I don't know if Scott would approve. He would probably tell you to get out.
  • Evan: I could make it so that you won't see my junk.
  • Isaac: You should wear a thong.
  • Evan: Maybe I'll go give-and-take shopping.
  • Ross: Salvation Army.
• dialogue
  • Chris: Shouldn't you be doing your homework, big little procrastinator?
  • Me: (groggy) "Big little procrastinator"?
  • Chris: You're a big procrastinator who's small in size.
• "I guess I'll make coffee." -Chris, frustrated with his self-portrait
• "Yes, these cookies were ten cents each. I tried to hide the evidence." -Prof. Fran
• "My poem is about a writer. If you guess it, I'll give you my Sun Chips. There's something wrong with them." -Jeremy
• "The cramming, I love it! It amuses me greatly." -Prof. Shannon, passing by a group of studying students
• dialogue
  • Yetunde: What's the most points you can get on the essays?
  • Prof. Dan: Oh, it varies. The least was 11, the most 30.
  • Mike: Nope, the least amount of points was 6.
• "Crystal, if you were a dandelion, you'd be one of these low to the ground, unmotivated ones." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Isaac: Are we gonna have doughnuts for our final?
  • Ross: I don't care. I'm gonna be in a shitty mood anyway.
• dialogue
  • Chris: I don't like doughnuts.
  • Patrick: How do you not like doughnuts? Do you not have a personality? You like mushrooms, don't you?
• "Oh. I thought there were streakers." -Pedro, leaving the lounge
• "You can't tickle away my existential crisis." -Chris
• "You gotta find me some penis." -Sarrah, to Camden
• "Obviously, you shouldn't take your horse on a ferry." -Sarrah, on the moral of The Ring
• dialogue
  • Me: Those brownies are too much. it feels like sugar is coating my throat.
  • Pedro: Those brownies are baked with Chris's grandma's love.
  • Ross: Chris's grandma's love is not enough.
  • Chris: You take that back.
• "Did you see me draw integral signs yesterday? They were so good they made Professor Oak come." -Chris