- "They might as well send you in for global warming." -Michael, referring to my cold hands as the solution
- dialogue
- Michael: (lies on his bed) Ow. (pulls something from the sheets) Oh, it's a calculator.
- Me: Wow. I didn't know you were that nerdy.
- dialogue
- Jamie: Alex drives so slowly! I make fun of him all the time.
- Me: How slow?
- Jamie: The speed limit.
- "I believe I've gotten to the heart and soul of Dan Bertossa." -Patrick
- "I've never seen Michael's legs before. I wonder why that is and— Do you ever wear sandals?!" -Matt
- dialogue
- Ivan: Who asked what Rock Band is?
- Kurt: Margaret did.
- Ivan: I hope you choke on whatever you're eating.
- "Catie, I can see you sporting a pink mohawk in the near future." -Anna
- "I think my essay was underrated." -Trevor, to Ms. Rushing
- "This is not a person." -Alan, referring to Ms. Rushing's example of a good WWI essay
- dialogue
- Charlie: God, I'm so hungry.
- Ricky: You want my sandwich?
- Charlie: Are you serious?
- Ricky: No, not my Chik-fil-A sandwich. My mom sandwich.
- "Get that out of here. I don't like that." -Melissa, referring to the negative calculus grade predictions
- "Don't get in there after Bush and don't pull out." -Sarah Z., on the Iraq issue
- "I like your whole ensemble. But I'm not sure about the face." -Wendy, being her typical self
- dialogue
- Margaret: Can you go over what tetradactyl means?
- Marina: Tetradactyl? You mean pterodactyl? Brontosaurus?
- dialogue
- Margaret: Is there a term for unstressed, unstressed?
- Meagan: Monotone.
- "My cousin's in I, Robot. Wait, no. Alex told a lie. My cousin's in I Am Legend." - Alex M.
- "You guys are so gay together." -Alex M., to boys in biology for preferring studying over watching a movie
- dialogue
- Meagan: Do you take breaths?
- Margaret: Yes, I breathe.
- "I had a dream I called you a cracker, and you were really offended." -Alan, to Trevor
- "All teachers expect us to put our best efforts into everything. That's kind of silly." -McAlister, on evenly distributing effort between classes
- "Why are you so interested in protecting the confidentiality of those who do well?" -McAlister, to Ms. Rushing
- dialogue
- Mikel: Do you know who Emma Starr is?
- Charlie: (goofy smile)
- Mikel: But she'd only be good for the first ten years.
- "No, it's true. I heard it on The Simpsons." -Matt
- "Why be stuck on an urn about to kiss? Wouldn't being stuck on an urn mid-orgasm be better?" -McAlister, referring to Ode on a Grecian Urn
- dialogue
- Connie (AA flight attendant): You brought your own blanket?
- Me: No, it's a sleeping bag.
- Connie: It's a short flight; you probably won't need it.
- "People would kiss with their butts." -Alexis's insight into reverse peristalsis
- "There's no such thing as excessive sex in marriage." -Meagan
- Note: This quote is especially funny because Meagan is a very sheltered, very religious girl.
- "I like how we got a crotchful of camera. I mean, camera full of crotch." -Ivan, referring to Bruce Springsteen's Superbowl performance
- "If you're not gonna buy it, don't touch my candy." -Jason
- dialogue
- Drake: Who has an A (in Calculus)?
- Ross: I do.
- Drake: Fuck you, Ross.
- Michael B.: Asshole.
- dialogue
- April: Ricky's donating his ovaries.
- Alex: Takes a real man.
- "Ricky, get your skinny Indian butthole onto a plane and out of here." -Ivan
- "Are you deepthroating that flower?" -Aaron, to Rox
- "Instant carbs." -Nathan, eating uncooked pasta
- dialogue
- Alan: I don't like the word "oral". It's associated with something naughty and, now, fear.
- Anna: It used to make me giggle. Now, it makes me cringe.
- "Dude, this thing just squirted all over me." -Alex
- "I just made out with McAlister." -Yoni
- dialogue
- Me: I can't do it in seven minutes!
- Alex: That's what she said.
- Me: Oh, I can do it in seven minutes. I'm that good.
- Alex: (pause) I'm going to ponder that for a minute.
- "Ms. Schoene's not telling you not to drink; she's telling you to watch your asses if you do." -McAlister
- "Once, my grandma forgot a turkey in the oven. It was Thanksgiving. We found it at Christmas." -Chad
- dialogue
- April: I think I have the teensiest bit of Native American, like 1/32.
- Alex: Do you have a good sense of direction?
- April: No, I have a horrible sense of direction.
- Alex M.: Can you walk on dry leaves and not make a sound?
- Alex: Are you in touch with spirits?
- Alex M.: Can you catch a fish with your bare hands?
- dialogue
- Alex: I don't like sweets.
- Alex M.: Freak!
- "It's not The Watchmen. If people don't stop calling it that, I'm not going to stop calling it The Milk." -McAlister
- dialogue
- Emily: (to Reece) If you looked like Ivan, you wouldn't be a virgin.
- Ivan: Ooh! That makes me feel good.
- "I usually only listen when people yell at me." -Yoni
- "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, invincible, with Liberty and Justice for all." -girl on intercom
- dialogue
- McAlister: Don't say that.
- Me: I didn't say "whacking each other off."
- Jordan: Yeah, but whacking each other with what?
- McAlister: Speaking of, I need to show you guys something.
- "You thought you were going to win!" -Margaret, to Yoni trying to correct Ms. Schoene's grammar
- "Wouldn't that be crazy to get mugged by a triangle?" -Gina
- dialogue
- Lizzie G.: If you know you won't be here ahead of time 'cause your family scheduled plans—
- Alan: A communist coup?
- dialogue
- Jamie: Alex believes in aliens, but he's never had an encounter.
- Alex: You don't know that.
- Jamie: I had an alien encounter . . . the day I met you.
- "Can you refer to the reader as 'it', or is that impolite?" -Reece
- "You offered to do something for free?" -Meagan, to Kurt
- dialogue
- Margot: What is Good Friday? Is that when Jesus came out of the ground?
- Jamie: It was a tomb. And, no, that's when he died.
- Margot: I thought Christmas is when he died!
- Jamie: That's when he was born! You're so Jewish.
- "Polar bears are vicious animals, second to hippos. Hippos run with their mouth open in hopes that a child will jump in." -McAlister
- "I like attacking people from behind." -Abby
- "Take it and it'll feel good in the end." -Alex, to Jamie
- "Oh, that's on the ground." -Ivan, referring to his snot after an enormous sneeze
- "Anytime neither team gets it right, I get the points." -McAlister, refusing to join a team for History Jeopardy
- "This is a picture of a diamond because I think life is precious." -Yoni
- "Twilight, that book changed my life." -Kirsten
- dialogue
- Sonya: Sra. Mejía, ¿qué pasó a su voz?
- Anna: She was irresponsible and she lost it.
- dialogue
- Ivan: Is that a candy necklace?
- Ana: No.
- Ivan: May I eat half of it?
- Ana: If you like wood.
- Ivan: I love wood.
- "What do you call a man with a potato in his pants? A dictator!" -Anna
- dialogue
- Mom: (riffling through singles in her wallet) Where's all my money?
- Me: Well, I took a twenty.
- Mom: I thought I had another one. I have no money. (pulls out hundred dollar bills)
- dialogue (before the IB History HL exam)
- Alan: When was the Great Leap Forward?
- Margot: 1958.
- Alan: '54!
- Margot: Nooo.
- Alan: What the fuck am I reading?!
- dialogue
- Me: I'm leaving for Alaska on June 5th.
- Abby: (aghast) Permanently?
- Me: No, for two months.
- Jamie: She's going to Beloit.
- Abby: Aw, dangit! I'm going to college, too.
- "All we studied was how Castro rose to power, not how he stayed so long. Except that we couldn't kill him." -Logan
- dialogue
- Ryan G.: Let's go over mitosis.
- Christine: You're the only one who doesn't know that.
- Ryan G.: Don't be rude.
- "Do we have to know about the penis? There are about five things I don't know." -Ryan G., cramming right before the IB Biology HL exam
- "There is a penis in here! A large one." -Ryan G., checking the pages of the IB Biology HL exam
- "There's Bailey. You guys get on that." -Alex
- "I like to see you with good people, but you should brush your hair." -Mom, to Iesl
- "I would love to have you for a dollar." -Michael
- "Ew, I slobbered. Wait, no, that's tears." -Michael, after I told him Ashton Kutcher's looks are unreal
- dialogue
- Me: How are you going to impregnate me without my knowing?
- Michael: I've got ninja sperm.
- Me: Ha! If you had ninja sperm, I would have been pregnant a long time ago.
- Michael: Babe, don't bash on my sperm.
- dialogue
- Michael: Babe, you have to go home.
- Me: (not budging from bed) I'm tired. I only got five hours of sleep.
- Michael: Well, whose fault is that?
- Me: Yours. You're the one who made me touch you.
- dialogue
- Iesl: (jokingly) Why are you looking at porn?
- Mom: I guess I'm lonely.
- "This is worse than Islands of Adventure. And we don't even get a roller coaster at the end." -Valent, during the lineup for graduation rehearsal
- "Once I was talking about the sweat that was in my ass, and Nusbaum was like, 'Iesl, do you have no boundaries?'" -Iesl
- dialogue
- Abby: Martha Stewart knows what she's talking about.
- Jamie: Yeah, she had all that jail time to think about it.
- dialogue
- Me: I hate being a woman.
- Michael: You won't when you get here.
- dialogue
- Aaron: That's a good-looking dog.
- Iesl: Ew! You're attracted to dogs?
- dialogue, taken out of context
- Iesl: You're too tight!
- Me: But, if I'm too loose . . .
- dialogue, Mom and Mr. Yu disagreeing
- Mom: (points to mountains) Does that look like cloud or fog?
- Me: Actually, they're the same thing.
- Mr. Yu: (laughs)
- Mom: (deadpans)
- dialogue
- Me: Can I wear your hoodie?
- Iesl: But remember the last time I wore it? I wasn't wearing anything under it.
- Me: Not even a bra?
- Iesl: No.
- Me: . . . Well, I have a barrier. It's called a shirt.
- "Is it raining upstairs?" -elderly lady, referring to the top of the mountain
- dialogue
- Iesl: (impatiently) What's taking you guys so long?
- Spencer: Well . . . Aaron just took a shit, and I need to take a shit, but it still reeks of Aaron's shit, so I'm waiting.
- dialogue
- Chris: You were never around!
- Ian: I was always to be found!
- dialogue
- Terrell: You like girls, too?
- Me: Nothing's wrong with liking girls.
- Terrell: I didn't say that was wrong. I like girls.
- Me: (scoffs) Well, yeah!
- dialogue
- Mom: Why don't you ask Mr. Yu to go?
- Me: He's with Dad on the boat.
- Mom: They're together? What are they doing?
- Me: I don't know, but they have a rod.
- dialogue
- Customer #1: No elevator?
- Customer #2: Nope. Looks like we can't get too drunk or you'll fall down the stairs.
- "I got burned out." -Randy, on why he's leaving the electrical company
- "Yeah, I've been doing this for eighteen years. You were just a baby! You're my calendar girl." -Randy
- dialogue
- Me: (hands Iesl a deposit) Hold this.
- Iesl: (on the phone) I have $1,400 in my hands and it's not even mine!
- Aaron: Run!
- "Having kids is the least I can do for this world." -Michael
- "How many ways are there to say 'butt'?!" -Me, during Taboo
- dialogue
- Mom: (massaging Iesl's scalp) It'll make you smarter.
- Iesl: Wow! I think it's working.
- dialogue, while playing Dirty Minds
- Curie: Can we go back to Taboo?
- Margot: No, you sucked at that game, too!
- "One of the rivers? Like the Great Lakes?" -Margot
- dialogue
- Curie: Now she has seven nipples.
- Anna: Only seven?
- "Your skin is very pretty, but it doesn't mean anything if you have those scars forever. You can't be Miss USA." -Mom, referring to Iesl's many mosquito bites
- dialogue
- Jamie: That doesn't fit in the cup holder.
- Dean: Sounds like a personal problem.
- dialogue
- Jamie: I wanna see Alan's bathroom.
- Dean: I don't think I'd want to see that.
- "Did you hear about Alan's drunk phone calls to various people? The things he said are too silly to repeat like, 'Michelle won't look at my penis. Why won't she look at my penis?'" -Dean
- dialogue
- Jamie: He's not very nice to look at.
- Me: (laughs)
- Jamie: See? Crystal knows what's up.
- Dean: Have you even seen Eric?
- Me: No.
- Dean: (to Jamie) Are you embarrassed now?
- "Those buns are huge!" -Alex
- dialogue
- Dean: Did you get a brick of cocaine while you were there?
- Mrs. Schaal: On a church missionary, that's kind of frowned upon.
- "Art students need certain things. An exacto knife is one of them. A soldering iron is another." -Jamie
- "Thanks for putting up with our girliness." -Abby, after dragging me to Ulta
- "Do you think I'd be friends with someone ugly?" -Jamie
- dialogue
- Jamie: A book on cocktails. You should get that, Abby. You're gonna need it for college.
- Abby: That is called alcohol expectation, Jamie. I took a course for Vanderbilt; I had to.
- dialogue
- Abby: Oh, wait. It's Sunday! Chik-fil-A is closed.
- Jamie: What?! Nooooo!!! This always happens to me!
- "I didn't use scrubs ever. I thought my pores were so big that the beads would get stuck in them." -Abby
- "It's too long. Oh, that's 'cause the cherry's stuck in there." -Ana
- "She needs to insert the stick. The cherry's in the way." -Margot
- dialogue
- Sagar: All dogs hate Indians for some reason. Except the ones in India, which makes sense.
- Sarah: Don't they just want food?
- Sagar: Or blood.
- dialogue
- Sagar: I gotta go piss. But I won't pee in your car, Charlie, I promise.
- Charlie: I appreciate that.
- "Haha! Tequila? I love tequila! (drinks shot) This is nasty! Don't give me that again." -Sagar
- dialogue
- Sarah: Don't let anything happen between Sagar and Sara.
- Charlie: I'm not going in there.
- Sarah: (peeks in) Stop it! (throws stuffed animal at Sara) Don't take advantage of him!
- Sara: We were just talking, I swear.
- dialogue
- Sara: (whining) Charlie doesn't like me.
- Anna: Guys can be just friends, you know.
- Sara: I know, but he thinks I'm weird.
- Anna: Then talk to him when you aren't drunk.
- Sara: But I don't like to talk to him when I'm sober.
- dialogue
- Jamie: Dang, what's with all the pedestrians in the middle of the street?
- Abby: It's a neighborhood!
- "Having you is like winning the lottery every day." -Michael
- dialogue
- Mechanic: Would you mind removing any valuables and clearing the floor so we can vacuum?
- Me: Can I just put my junk in the trunk?
- Mechanic: (tries not to laugh)
- Me: (red with embarrassment)
- dialogue
- Jamie: I'm going to a concert with my best friend this weekend.
- John: Who are you seeing?
- Jamie: You probably haven't heard of them.
- John: Try me.
- Jamie: Cursive.
- John: Oh. I went to middle school.
- "Oh, hey, hair. You look cute this morning—not." -Jamie, looking in the mirror
- "Why's the flag at half-mast? Do you think it's 'cause the Gators lost?" -Jamie, referring to the Florida-Alabama game
- dialogue
- (Tipper jumps off the counter as Michael sits)
- Iesl: What happened?
- Michael: To his face?
- "You really need to make Aaron eat his vegetables." -Mom, to Iesl
- "Awww! You surprised me with your cuteness. Your eyes are like chocolate!" -Iesl, to Tipper
- dialogue
- Iesl: What are you reading?
- Me: Lolita.
- Iesl: Lolita? I think they made that into a book.
- "That was good piano playing." -Sung, to a girl after claiming he was not a player
- "I need some body heat." -Sung, staring intently at the only girl
- "It's bad enough that they don't have money, but penis is coming." -Tae, referring to potential hookups and their tagalong brother
- dialogue
- Peter: Atlanta's boring.
- Tae: That's because you don't like fobs.
- Brandon: I like fobs.
- Peter: You're gay.
- "Ow, what are you doing? It hurts!" -Iesl, while Justin gave her a bear hug
- "It's easy to love something unconditionally when it doesn't talk to you." -Iesl
- dialogue
- Jamie: I can't believe Crystal's sister is a junior.
- Sofia: I can't believe Crystal's sister is Crystal's sister.
- "Will this stain our clothes?" -Jenna, referring to tie dye
jan 3 2009 ∞
jan 14 2012 +
jan 14 2012 +