• quality music
• being able to read all the books i want
• the movies i downloaded aren't going to watch themselves
• having that pirates of the caribbean and lord of the rings movie marathon i've always dreamed of
• getting lost in bookstores
• visiting a place i've always wanted to go to
• the sea
• my cutie patootie dogs
• secret handshakes
• john green might write another book
• i might finally hear my parents say that they're proud of me despite all the shit i've put them through
• laughing so hard until my stomach hurts and tears fall out of my eyes
• airplane rides
• looking at old photographs

• torn between apathy and mania

Anything, anything to stop drowning in this dull, trivial and cowardly existence. (Charles Bukowski)

‘This is my suicide dress,’ she told him. ‘I only wear it on days when I'm afraid I might kill myself if I don’t wear it.’ ‘But you’ve been wearing it everyday since we’ve met,’ he said. (Denver Betson)

• If I were a month, I would be September.
• If I were a day of the week, I would be whatever day I have the least amount of obligations.
• If I were a time of the day, I would be 3 am.
• If I were a planet, I would be Earth? It's a nice place.
• If I were a sea animal, I would be a shark.
• If I were a direction, I would be neverwhere.
• If I were a piece of furniture, I would be a vase.
• If I were a sin, I would be Lust.
• If I were a historical figure, I would be the person in The Scream.
• If I were a liquid, I would be Mercury.
• If I were a stone, I would be hard.
• If I were a tree, I would be a pine tree...

And in the beginning, my lungs had too much air in them, whenever you were near, like I could never breathe out enough. And in the end, my throat closed, whenever you were far, like I could never breathe in again.

• Take it easy.

or a list of things i've always dreamed of doing but never had the guts to

• tie dye a shirt
• get as tan as i can
• go a whole day eating just one color of food
• stay up 2 days straight
• have a water fight
• buy “wreck this journal”
• go to a concert
• make a summer playlist
• make a fort
• have a ‘yes day”
• ride an airplane
• go on a road trip
• carve my name into a tree
• watch an entire tv show series
• spend a day at the park
• witness a lightning storm
• have a movie marathon
• go bowling

Despite my previous vain attempts at making bucket lists, my incurable case of laziness and my overwhelming lack of motivation to accomplish goals or anything else for that matter, I have decided to conjure yet another one of those so-called impossible lists. But just to spice things up, this particular list has to have a theme. Thus, this shall now be referred to as "Marielle's Impossible Senior Year Bucketlist (aka the list she'll just give up on after approximately two or meh three days but she'll try her hardest to do otherwise pinky swear)". So, here goes nothing:

• walk through a drive thru
• make a little video documentary of my last week of school
• eat five burgers in the cafeteria in one sitting
• eat a fruit that came from the campus gro...

• write on journal
• try painting
• look for guitar and organ
• review for the exam
• listen to The Arctic Monkeys, Angus and Julia Stone and Coldplay
  • repeat 10x
• decide on what course to pursue
  • for real, this time
• sit on a corner and contemplate about life
  • and at least try to avoid an emotional breakdown
• cry
• indulge in a book
• eat nutella
• be happy

"So she became impulsive, scared by her inaction into perpetual action."

• i wanted you to stay, and i’m sorry that i make it impossibly difficult for you to do exactly that
• but just so you know, you haven't been such a good sport lately either
• shall we call it even then?
• on to other (insignificant) matters: isn't it an awful shame to see everything you've ever worked hard for go spiraling down the drain?
• not that i've never experienced that feeling before
• trust me, if there's an award for failing most things consecutively, i'd be the obvious frontrunner (might even be first but i'd fail at that too)
• i'd say that i was joking except that i'm not
• i'm dead serious like seriously

• what remains is absence
• a perpetual nothing
• my heart is an empty vessel that can never be filled
• self-destruction is beautiful, in a sad and tragic kind of way
• stop spacing out it's ridiculous
• feeling nothing, and then everything, and then nothing again
• blue is a nice color
• your encouraging words meant nothing and continue to be hollow
• lower your expectations of me, please i beg of you
• realizing your own dispensability
• lying in bed for hours on end thinking of what is sad or nonexistent
• cold void filled with horrific overwhelming feelings of delusional frenzies and detachment
• when will it end

• feelings of nostalgia,
• old photographs,
• hopscotch,
• good music,
• cinnamon bread,
• lowercase letters,
• intriguing books,
• the smell of the grass after an episode of rain,
• the melody of an ice cream truck,
• stolen glances,
• and a handful of secondhand sunshine

• 30 Minutes or Less
• Just Go With It (again)
• The Adjustment Bureau
• The Godfather
• Everything Must Go
• Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
• We Bought a Zoo
• Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like — as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.

• 1984
• 1Q84
• Ariel
• Before I Fall
• Choke
• Cut
• Fight Club
• Go Ask Alice
• Invisible Monsters
• It's Kind of a Funny Story
• Just Listen
• Paper Towns
• The Bell Jar
• The Book of Disquiet
• The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night Time
• The Great Gatsby
• The Lovely Bones
• The Time Traveler's Wife
• The Truth about Forever
• The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

All my life I believed I knew something. But then one strange day came when I realized that I knew nothing, yes, I knew nothing. And so words became void of meaning. I have arrived too late at ultimate uncertainty. (Ezra Pound)

It's funny how I'm really good at cutting people out of my life and just as good as disappearing from theirs. And maybe it's more sad than funny, because the truth is, it's not funny at all.

• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• Serendipity
• The Time Traveler's Wife
• Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
• The Vow
• Fight Club
• August Rush
• The Virgin Suicides
• 500 Days of Summer

• tiny boats
• paper airplanes
• lanterns
• glow in the dark wristbands
• the smell of gasoline
• trees
• little white flowers
• the sea
• latin quotes
• the moon
• crumpled paper
• imperfections
• paper cranes
• writing letters
• messy handwriting
• pretty words
• stars
• dust swimming in the afternoon sun
• untouched books
• old copies of reader's digest
• lavender