hi kathy— writing this pretty late into the year (to the point to where it’s the new year !) i want to say not much has changed, yet everything has changed. first ever summer job. lowkenuinley still stuck in pmdd hell. started smoking cigs (i really like them but the mood crash post-cig is horrendous). new achievement and possible trend(?) due to me feeling like i always have to manifest the angst i feel inside into physically ruining my body i guess. im too damn old to starve myself and hate being hungry plus i pass with huge tits anyway. Im student teaching in 2 days— found out i have coursework at the same time? lowkey gonna kill myself like i was excited to student teaching under the fundamental idea that i wouldnt have homework outside of it. fuck. i love marina. i love marina so much ive started missing them like an omega misses their alpha during its heats (pmdd bouts). completed grad school application hallelujah i NEEED to get it or else i havta get a job =__= after we signed apartment lease already.. got kitty cat named Dill he’s perfect in every way besides the fact that he is spiritually FAT and his greed is insatiable and warned about in the bible. ended this semester with a 4.0, almost panic-dropped 400 bucks on a personalized graduation gown thank GOD for reddit bro or else i actually would have dropped a month’s work of rent on a cheap polyester piece of nothing. amisha lillian maribel and i started watching Heated Rivalry— this is sooo awesome for me because now i can bring up a mainstream piece of queer media to discuss with people in real life!!!! i hope john gets into a good college and his roommate isnt an asshole. dropped the ball on tess sean chang and sofi because thinking about what theyve done and said to me still makes me mad. tess not so much any more because time has weathered that wound smooth and rotund. its kinda like in homestuck where they were assholes because they were quite literally 15 years old. otherwise, im quite mad at things repeated to me that i replay like a broken record whenever my mood swings get especially bad. recently ive been asking people if i come off as a bum— their answers are generally the same. technically speaking, i am not a bum, ie im a full-time university student, im going to be student teaching, im going into a profession that is as dire as breathing (debatable amongst most people, but not amongst those whose opinions i care about), i have a girlfriend, friends, lots actually, i do good in my coursework (although it takes hitting myself in the head with an axe), i have hobbies besides scrolling on my phone, albeit that still takes up most of my time. i still really love twitter. capitalism has brainwashed me so bad to think that i am a bum for not having a job. now why the hell would i have a job rn. i still and will probably continue to have a strained relationship with mom until the day either i or her dies, ive unfortunately realized. we are both in stagnated states where she refuses to relent an inch of her grating personality, and i the same. except i hope im quite less grating. it really pisses me off now thinking about when sofi said “did your mom teach you nothing except to be nervous?” Yes, actually. thats actually the whole fucking summary of my life until this point. Although fundamentally I am not a bum nor bumming out, the combination of my lack of desire to contribute to labor (because why would anyone truly want to work to live?) and the mix of the learned helplessness endowed to me by my dearly belovehated mother has concocted me (a bomb) who would prefer to blow up myself and any collateral in a 67 mile vicinity of damage rather than actually acknowledge that perhaps i am a capable and well-adjusted person. to a degree. i got into neil josten recently again i guess. i am really fond of that guy because he’s kind of everything i want to be— squirrelly, mouthy, can run at any slight inconvenience and instead of it being rude its actually justified because he’s going to be killed otherwise. sometimes it feels like instead of being her daughter (son?), i’m a project she’s worked on for too long and the sunk cost fallacy is so extreme that recieving so much as a scratch on me decreases my value, like a used car. Everything eaao is a great movie in concept— but in practice, it is foolish for me to look up to it like a guide book or bible because this is definitely one of the failed universes where Evelyn refuses to get off her high horse and mentally tortures me forever. im really worried about packing lunch this semester. also i need to work on what answer to tell the kids who ask what my favorite anime is ASAP. i miss marina and i love my dad mic drop out 2027 my year fr