as broad or specific as it needs to be

i have a lot of thoughts at once.

• when you come out as queer you lose the right to embarrassment
  • congratulations, you're an oddity now. don't you ever forget it.
• you're not allowed to believe any single thing you say or do will be taken at face value
• relationships, friendships, family, everything is impacted by you as a Queer Person
• now adays we walk this line between taboo and trendy and i gotta be honest it feels fucking awful

i don't know who i am i do however, know pretty damn well who i was i used to be jill, jillu, the great jilluminati, jillupa, all of the above jill was a lot of things:

• broadly, sad and afraid

i don't think there's a god, i don't believe in a higher power with divine intervention

i don't believe in that power

but if there were a god, i do think it would be me. --- i have a very interesting relationship with godliness, spirituality and catholosism, despite not growing up particularly religious

to me, being god is the essence of truth it doesn't have anything to do with morality, divination, or power

god is knowledge. above all things, i really am seeking knowledge. i feel empowered when i am Aware, and i want to be Aware of all things. i think i exist in this cryptic kind of place, where i often Know a lot.

good omens always makes me smile when Aziraphale tries to explain the ineffable plan, and just has to splutter, hope, and believe. i think that i'm ineffable someti...

god i wish i fucking knew. what do i want?

• of life?
• of love?
• of joy?
• of adulthood?
• of responsibility?
• of freedom?

what do i want ?

• ..

i think i can say is that i want to be free.

• free from the burdens of society
• of small talk and friendly chatter
• of working for the man
  • scraping, scrounging for pennies in a world of millions

i don't know how this took me so long but at the exact same time, and with the exact same intensity

• i'm not sure i thought about this enough

even that being said, it's right as hell and i know it. but i feel like so much of my life has just been waiting for this moment lana talks about this experience a lot, but it still feels so bizarre to me. i think a lot of that is because

• she knew.
  • and i am afraid i do not

but how can i even say that to myself? sitting here, typing this on a website where both my icon and my background feature the nonbinary flag, and where very aspect of my life somehow wraps back into gender, expression, and layers of discomfort. i am obsessed with the fact that i remember so little ...

• honesty
• integrity
• follow thru