been thinking about everything i thought i'd never be able to do because of my chest. i haven't actively cosplayed since 2017, when my dad passed away. a lot of what was fun for me about cosplay was drag-- dressing up like a beautiful woman. it gave me a way to love a body that in normal everyday life, made my skin crawl. all of my first cosplay dreams were men. every single one. so here they are, reborn and maybe, retackled.

• hidan naruto shippuden
• soul soul eater
• dave homestuck
• kakashi naruto
• judal magi
• kamina gurren lagaan
• geekboy panty and stocking

someday i'll add links

• dirt
  • songs that feel like grime under your fingernails that you just can't get out
• ah..
  • trying to capture the feeling of the perfect exhale into peace
• thumpy scawy
  • you better say it right
  • its bangahs, they're spooky
  • meant to flow well together, good for a party
  • i might retire this and make a new version, my definition of thumpy scawy has changed over the years
• big favs mr. josh
  • BIG

as broad or specific as it needs to be

deadass this is just about my wow character i love her alRIGHT

starcaller lament

• goblin
• demonology warlock
• for the horde
• neutral evil
• grinds her teeth in excitement and frustration
• red reD RED!!
• lament prefers the company of jhuuroon bc theyre bros
  • mispronounces jhuuroon's name (her felguard) when she's mad at him
  • she never summons her succubus (selnia) bc gay panic
• fiercely loyal to the horde, especially now after sylvanas' betrayal. she always thought she was playing for the top dollar but realized how personally shocked she ...

i have a lot of thoughts at once.

• when you come out as queer you lose the right to embarrassment
  • congratulations, you're an oddity now. don't you ever forget it.
• you're not allowed to believe any single thing you say or do will be taken at face value
• relationships, friendships, family, everything is impacted by you as a Queer Person
• now adays we walk this line between taboo and trendy and i gotta be honest it feels fucking awful

i don't know who i am i do however, know pretty damn well who i was i used to be jill, jillu, the great jilluminati, jillupa, all of the above jill was a lot of things:

• broadly, sad and afraid

i don't think there's a god, i don't believe in a higher power with divine intervention

i don't believe in that power

but if there were a god, i do think it would be me. --- i have a very interesting relationship with godliness, spirituality and catholosism, despite not growing up particularly religious

to me, being god is the essence of truth it doesn't have anything to do with morality, divination, or power

god is knowledge. above all things, i really am seeking knowledge. i feel empowered when i am Aware, and i want to be Aware of all things. i think i exist in this cryptic kind of place, where i often Know a lot.

good omens always makes me smile when Aziraphale tries to explain the ineffable plan, and just has to splutter, hope, and believe. i think that i'm ineffable someti...

• hatsune miku
• ashnikko
• USAO

god i wish i fucking knew. what do i want?

• of life?
• of love?
• of joy?
• of adulthood?
• of responsibility?
• of freedom?

what do i want ?

• ..

i think i can say is that i want to be free.

• free from the burdens of society
• of small talk and friendly chatter
• of working for the man
  • scraping, scrounging for pennies in a world of millions

i don't know how this took me so long but at the exact same time, and with the exact same intensity

• i'm not sure i thought about this enough

even that being said, it's right as hell and i know it. but i feel like so much of my life has just been waiting for this moment lana talks about this experience a lot, but it still feels so bizarre to me. i think a lot of that is because

• she knew.
  • and i am afraid i do not

but how can i even say that to myself? sitting here, typing this on a website where both my icon and my background feature the nonbinary flag, and where very aspect of my life somehow wraps back into gender, expression, and layers of discomfort. i am obsessed with the fact that i remember so little ...

• honesty
• integrity
• follow thru