dear you,

it's your 22nd birthday, it feels surreal that in this year, you feel a sense of peace instead of a sense of shame, guilt and self-loathe you have experienced almost your whole life. you cut a toxic habit out of life and take steps to become who you want to become. intuitive eating, doing what is needed (in terms of hygiene, work out), my dental health has improved in 2 months time. so many things can change within three months, indeed. i forgive you for not knowing how to change last time. you had your struggles. days doesn't seem so dark anymore. you begun to realise that self-love must come from within and the peace with ourselves can only come from within. for the first time, you don't feel so empty being single, you don't feel empty for not being wanted by someone else. (yes i guess i'm really afraid of not being wanted and i was chasing this feeling. i was in a way addicted to the feeling of being wanted. i rather feel wanted than to be alone. but that's probably not the best foundation for a fulfilling and loving relationship.)

you begun to not be afraid to be yourself. when you realise you can trust yourself in doing things you set out to do, you start to believe in yourself and gain confidence of yourself. i thought confidence is about being the prettiest person, being the most capable person but that's not true. confidence is believing in myself, no matter what happened, no matter how many times i will fall, i know i can stand back up again.

the period of darkness is not something that you're proud of. you isolated myself from people but perhaps that was a coping mechanism of yours. that was the best you can cope with the stress.

it's surprising that in this circuit breaker you reconnected with an old friend that you drifted from and yet feel like you guys can still talk like distance was never an issue. this is a precious feeling and friendship.

i disliked that my personality is quiet and reserved but as i understand myself more, i know that i have my reasons as i'm mostly afraid of being judged and that people might not like me. however the fear of being judged is irrational. everyone is unique, and it's important to embrace our uniqueness and not be afraid to share our light. not everyone will like you but that's okay. your job is not to make everyone like you, your job is to live out your purpose, the reason why god put you here, to share your gifts with the rest of the world. i'm guessing my gift is instilling calmness to people? after dating a few times, i guess that's my strength that i'm proud to have. i used to dislike my voice but since it's something i can't change, i don't really bother about it anymore. and i believe i have a voice to share my opinions, i shouldn't be afraid to voice out my opinions and feelings. but of course be tactful in my language too.

there are many people to thank for not giving up on me when i wanted to give up on myself. first of all, my family, though they are not the best at dealing with mental health issues. i know they wanted the best for me. my boss, who saw the potential in me.

// the meaning of life is to live it. (quora)

• .. 11:37PM

my ideal day tommorow: - wake up -> video -> yoga 7-day challenge day 1 (yoga with charlie) -> bathe -> changed into neongreen shirt and shorts ? -> lunch GYG!! -> study for test, focus, intensity of time -> lesson 3:30-6:30 -> groceries (rolled oats (meadow's), oat milk) / subway for dinner