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- Nine pounds in a week!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is -- oh, I don't know -- go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact -- you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!
- Still, you’re not nearly as bad as her. Do you know how much you annoy me? The answer is: a lot. Should I list the reasons why?Well, I don’t see why not. It’s your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug. That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex. And, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex. (…) See now, Newbie? That’s the thing you do that drives me up a tree. ‘Cos no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I’m stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son.It makes me suicidal and I’m not the only one, no I’m not the only one…(…) So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane and Sue. Like Moesha, Kim and Lilly and Suzanne and Betty Lou. Regardless of the names I pick my feelings are quite clear. You’re a pain in every day of every month of every year. (…)If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor, please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest.
- Lady, people aren’t chocolates. D’you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don’t find them half as annoying as I find naive bobble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
- Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry’s Perspective. One: If someone’s standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can’t decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I’m fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there’d only be one website left, and it’d be called “Bring back the porn!” Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor — nay, respected as a man — is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.
- I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh…. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, ‘The O.C.’, the U.N., recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything–eve–everything that exists — past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
- Okay. Think of what little patience I have as…oh, I don’t know…your virginity: You always thought it would be there, until that night junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin — who just wanted to be friends — well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of ‘About Last Night’ and a four-pack of Bartles and James and — ba-dow! hoo-hoo-hoo! — it was gone forever! …Just like my patience is now.
- You can count on me, Bobbo! Here’s the lowdown. In three hours, my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory “best doctor in the city” date which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex. I’m thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. The good news for you, though, is that you have a case of hypercalcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let’s see who that monkey’s gonna be. (…) Rex it is. Have a great night. You’re in very capable nine-fingered hands.
jan 6 2009 ∞
feb 7 2009 +
feb 7 2009 +