01/03/15

• cakes in a jar; distance is not a fucking obstacle; best friends will always stay; thank you p, i love you really; they like each other; guess who's going to stay away from now on; my god why did i have to honor the friend code; when a friend is in love with someone that you like too, you let the friend win; what the fuck is wrong with me; but please dearest God, help me forget my feelings for j; i'm just fooling myself right? I don't really like him, right?; please, please. "She stares at me gani. I can't handle it." says j; sorry, I won't even look from now on; help me move on; quickly, before something wonderful happens and then i fall in love again; Lord I turn to you now; help me get rid of him.

01/09/15

• too much death; je suis charlie; shut up shut up shut up; come near, come near, come near; i don't understand why you can easily wrap your arms around them and why it would take miracle for you to do the same to me; why didn't i tell r sooner that i dream of you and that i feel something; something that i can forget and disregard; but there is this fucking itch in my heart; i don't want to let go because you are precious to me and we are making so little effort to show it to each other; but dear God, I wish you'd let me keep him close; keep j close; i'm sorry if I keep on pushing him away; i am so afraid that when he goes near me i will fall in love again; i cannot fall in love; r loves him too; help me, Lord; i cannot be my own conscience; please tell me what to do.

01/16/15

• FUCK YOU, YOU SEXIST ASSHOLE; i was really offended with what you did j; even if it was just a joke; it's not funny to me anymore; and r please be a fucking dear and stop calling me fat because i am more than that; i pepper your days with random compliments from your hair styles to the brilliance of your minds and all i can get from you motherfuckers is the adjectives 'fat' and 'overacting'; g said im just overthinking things; maybe he's right; but it might also be true that you two are fucking assholes; yes, you two are FUCKING PIG HEADED MOTHERFUCKERS; i am a woman and a human; FUCK YOU GUYS; breathe in, breathe out; breathe in loooong ang hard; then exhale all the hate you have inside; his opinion does not define you; you have the universe inside you; what they say do not matter at all; self-love again; fuck you guys, i love myself don't make me forget that again; i cannot write nice things right now; i am hurt and i am afraid that i am with the wrong people; i pray to God that I am not.

01/17 pero 18 na gud/15

• masquerade ball; crinkles in your eyes; the way you scrunch your nose; fucking adorable; but curiously, my heart does not quiver when you are near or when you speak or when you smile at me; is it possible that i am attracted to you only in the eyes; then what is this deep, profound feeling i have for your soul; this thirst to be by your side always; listening to your soft breathing and the dreams you have inside you; how many stars exploded just so they can form universes inside you; you are so beautiful from afar and yet it burns to be near you; and the view is not always beautiful; brilliant, yes, but you hurt and burn sometimes; how do i do it?; how do i stay despite the burning?; how do i cool myself down; i hope you notice, or appreciate or understand; and i hope you find someone else to burn; i am positive that i am not that important; i'm sorry for being useless to you. i am worth something; but not to you; goodnight, j; we sleep under the same stars; but you dream of someone else.

01/25/15

• HA HA HA HA you are fucking hurting me already; this needs to stop; this, all this imaginary friendship forever shit; r and j needs to go away soon; my heart cannot handle so much heartache; j has left, or rather is so close to leaving and this time he won't grieve too long; r is there; of course r is there; he loves j, but i did too; but j loved r and himself more; i cannot BELIEVE that i wasted a great deal of time with you both; coffee dates spent in agonizing silence and secret, sneaky glances; "Okay lang mo guys?" NO I AM NOT OKAY; i am in the brink of forgetting every promise that i made for you; that was our secret song, i promised not to tell; but you told r anyway; wow break more promises now, you seem to like doing that as of the moment; how did i fucking survive that?; Lord, please. This request is final; i need to detach from j; please, this heart can't handle no more; thank you, lord; i owe you a lot.