• was going to talk about family
    • tension at home, lack of much emotional closeness, reject many of the ideals
  • but depressive moods have gotten a lot worse
  • low self-esteem
    • i don't like myself
      • i have a list of things i like about myself, but it's not helping
    • i don't know who i am
  • lethargic
  • went through monday in a daze
    • i hate mondays--how to deal with mondays?
    • don't know what functioning is
  • don't know how to actually deal with depressive moods
  • actually kind of okay when outside (beautiful weather) and hanging out with friends (people i like/future roommates) at the beach
    • so: have been okay and content, but
  • very not stable: i go from okay/almost-content to so so lethargic
  • need to cry, badly
    • can't remember last time i did (december?), which is a problem
    • just want to cry whenever i'm alone
  • lonely, afraid of everything, and sad
  • always so tired, but not necessarily sleepy-tired, just very weary and very low energy
    • no motivation to do things
  • writing essay is the most difficult thing
    • wrc handout about procrastination!
    • all the problems, should be helpful to keep reminding myself, but almost no progress (it's so late right now)
    • hard to rationalize with myself when i'm struggling with writing and starting to write
    • probably asking for an extension, which upsets me
  • i have, i think, four books waiting for me--which i really want to read, but i can't even read anymore, haven't got through even a chapter of pleasure reading
    • i don't even know what it's like to not read, though i can remember learning to
    • nothing seems to hold my interest anymore
  • i feel like not existing, or i mean, want to not deal with this anymore, i can't live like this, i'm barely functioning
    • in a daze, feel rather like a shell of a person
  • anxiety seems to have improved (lost some of my anxious habits, like drumming-motions), but maybe another medication will help with my depressive moods more?
    • but also, don't know how to deal with depressive moods
    • part of me wants to just accept it--that i'm feeling that way in that moment
    • but i feel just awful, and i hate feeling this way, and it makes it so hard to do things
    • and i just want to lie in bed and sleep, but i don't want to actually be just spending all day in bed and unable to do anything
    • i don't even feel like i need sleep necessarily, just that i'm really tired and weary, and anything is better than having to be awake and doing things
  • i feel like a shell and am just in a daze all the time
mar 28 2012 ∞
oct 23 2013 +