———— december

• 04. i am still working on my internship... however, in the midst of all the research on parasites; i’ve found myself interested in formula one—once again. last year, around the same time, the same thing also happened, but the obsession didn’t last long.

———— november

• 09. i probably had the busiest day of the whole year. i went to a breakfast to celebrate marahy’s birthday, i went to eat with my grandparents, and i went to play paddle tennis with my cousins; all this while staying at yazmin’s house (so i had to go from place to place for my stuff and so on). the truth is that i enjoyed the day a lot; i felt that i was productive in several areas, and i had that socialization that i have missed so much this year. and, best of all, i didn’t have a single negative because of how busy i was. 10. the new season of arcane has begun and… it became my obsession this month. i just saw the first season in september, but the passion i feel for this series is as if i had seen it when it first came out (back in 2021). sevika has caught my eye. 17. finally, the professor of clinical parasitology answered my messages (after almost sending him smoke signals), which proceeded to allow me to start my internship. i’m glad i have something to do and, more than anything, i’m glad i'm one step closer to having my degree. 18. i got… sick? 23. arcane is over (unfortunately, arcane will only have two seasons) and the truth is... i did cry with that ending, but i feel that it was very rushed. i enjoyed it a lot, but it almost seemed like they didn’t have enough time to develop everything they were building; it didn’t even feel like some characters had a deserving ending. 30. my 25th birthday! i had a very, very nice time with my friends from college. however, there was one person who didn't congratulate me that i can’t get out of my head. it almost feels like closure.

———— october

• 07. the relief of having passed the exam did not last long... i passed the test, yet my surroundings remain the same. i’m still in the same place that’s been eating me from the inside out; the place that’s supposed to be my home. i bursted into tears when, once again, i realized that i am just a “means to end” that everyone uses for their benefit. i’m like a rag doll, a multi-purpose tool. 08. i’m not kidding when i say that the limited-edition pumpkin spice coffee creamer is what’s making me want to keep going. it gives me something to look forward to the next day. i also miss having a dog—i miss being welcomed by a lovely living creature. i’m sure that it could love me as much as everyone else seems to claim. like the song says: “i could be a good mother.” 24. after a difficult day, i couldn’t help but fall apart after having the realization that i am not as important to the rest of my family as they are to me. no matter how much i give of myself to keep everyone happy or help them with whatever i can, i feel that i am only a medium to help others to achieve their goal or take a weight off their shoulders. i had an epiphany: like the girl chappell roan talks about in unreleased song subway, i have to get away. 29. being at the end of the month, i have to add that the entire second half of october my batman fanatic side resurfaced—specifically jason todd. the last time it happened was in april 2021.

———— january

• 01. the hope of a new year is fresh, although i’ve been feeling a little anxious because there’s still things (things that i’ve been carrying heavily in my shoulders) that’s left to do regarding university. 05. a little obsessed with the k–drama death’s game and its actors—especially go yoon–jung and kim ji–hoon. 07. i’ve been returning to my anime roots and reading manga that i used to enjoy in the past. 25. slowly beginning to start reading more, thanks to the book one dark window that made me believe that the kind of fantasy that i like is not truly gone.

———— february

• 03. i started writing again! it was an idea that i had last year that came again to me. 07. i joined a book club with two of my friends that also like to read! even though it kinds of makes me anxious to let other people in, i’m excited to talk to other people about books. 10. had a mental breakdown because of physical problemas that i’ve been recently dealing with—i think that it got to me really bad because the problem is in my face. 13. i bought myself a kindle! so happy for this because for three years i’ve wanted to have one, but just never got to it. 14. this valentine’s day i was a little bit bittersweet.

———— march

• 01. i got the rest of my wisdom teeth removed and, even though i’m in a lot of pain, the attitude of my mother regarding my wellbeing made me feel very appreciative of her and i realized that, because we’d have problems in the past, i never gave her the credits of taking care of me (even though it’s in her way). 08. ariana grande released her new album eternal sunshine and it has me feeling a lot of things. i cried a lot because of it and because of my anxiety. i know better, but i blame de moon in pisces. 30. spent the most wonderful time at the beach with my family on my biological father’s side the last six days. as always, i felt part of the sea and the sun in my skin made me realize that life is, truly, worth living.

———— april

• 09. the total solar eclipse in mexico has me thinking about a lot of things, such as the fact that when there is one like this again, i will be around 52 years old. i saw this year’s eclipse with two people that i hold dearly to my heart and i hope it will be like that in the next one. 10. it’s been a week since i started exercising to improve my fitness (and to have a hot girl summer body, tbh), and even though it’s hard at times, i’ve felt good about myself—also, so excited about taylor swift’s new album next week! 19. the first time i listened to the tortured poets department i feared it wasn’t going to be what i thought it would be until taylor, being the crazy woman that she is, released a second part of the album with fifteen more songs that, indeed, fascinated me. they reminded me a lot of the folklore and/or evermore era and two songs (“i hate it here” and “the prophecy”) were the ones that reminded me how much taylor understands me (i also cried the first time i listened to them). however, because of those two songs (and the fact that i’m due to menstruate next week and the symptoms are slowly revealing), lately i’ve been feeling anxious about my future. 20. i asked god or the universe for a sign, and even though i was the one who made the request, i was still surprised when i came across a swan. 21. probably had one of the worst meltdowns i’ve had in a very, very long time and, of course, it had to do with my future. the crisis was so bad that i remember thinking it could be a manic or a psychotic episode because i literally could feel my sanity drift away. i came out of it the next morning, though. very humbling experience, 00/10, would not recommend.

———— may

• 07. i literally got sick for the last three days... the cold didn’t hit me as hard as it could have been, but every time i get sick i’m shocked because i can’t believe my body would betray me like that, lol, and, speaking of betrayals, i found new meaning to taylor’s song “the smallest man who ever lived”… 09. currently obsessed with the genre of evolution horror, such as i have no mouth, and i must scream and all tomorrows. also, i’ve been watching a k–drama called strong girl nam–soon and byeon woo–seok… i see you… 13. it’s been really tiring living in this place. living like this. i wish someone could get me out of here, or at least i wish i could start earning money by myself and taking care of my own things, but i can’t—i feel so overwhelmed with my own problems; with problems inside my house and with problems outside, out there where so much is going on… i’m just really, really tired and i’m afraid i won’t be able to go on much longer like this. 17. had another breakdown. but, at least, this time i could ulgy–cry all i wanted because i was alone at my aunt’s house. i’m just so, so tired and mentally exhausted of everything that’s going on. like taylor swift said in the prophecy: “i’m just a paperweight in shades of greige, spending my last coin so someone will tell me it’ll be okay.” 25. it’s the second day of my period and, mentally, i’ve been feeling much better, wich makes me think that my “breakdowns” before i menstruate are, in fact, not normal.

———— june

• 02. it was the presidential voting in mexico, and at the end of the day, i don’t know if it was worth the four hours i spent in line—not because of my burnt face and severe dizziness afterwards, but because i don’t feel like my grain of sand was enough. 14. i spent a very, very beautiful day at isabella’s first communion with my family. during my stay in tijuana i have been able to rest, however, i have been feeling a small pinch that emphasizes certain attitudes of people; reminding me that i will never be at peace. at least not completely. 18. i’m very tired. my pms has struck again, and this time, there were victims who had to see it. i am simply tired of giving everything of myself, of providing all my energy and it only being stolen; of receiving nothing in return. am i selfish for thinking like that? i’m tired of myself too. 21. i was blessed when i visited the beach for the second time this year. although this time it was only momentary, i was able to take the time to, once again, walk to the seashore and listen to music while getting lost in the clouds.

———— july

• 01. thanks to the acolyte, patty and i have been binge-watching star wars, and i accidentally discovered a nice way to pass the time carefree and have someone by my side who enjoys it the same way i do. 14. i had one (if not the worst) of the worst mental breakdowns of the year, to the point that i did something too impulsive that i’m very, very ashamed of. i no longer know who i am and fear for my own well-being—my thoughts have become darker than i can admit. i don’t want to be here. 15. surprisingly, i’m fine. in my crisis of yesterday, i wrote in my diary again and i think that helped me a lot and, along with it, the support of my parents; although i wish i didn’t have to shout how tired i am for them to pay attention to me. 24. i spent a very nice afternoon with my cousins.

———— august

• 01. the month of august began with the olympics. or, well, it started with me catching up on the olympics and making them my new obsession. why? the olympics, its athletes and all the impact that the event has on the rest of the people has made me realize that... i would like to have that same impact. i wish i was bigger than i am right now. 21. i was given a new phone as a gift, and throughout this process, i’ve tried to convince myself that i do deserve it after everything i’ve done and been through. 24. i took the exam. i wish i had more comments, but my anxiety just gets the better of me—i just hope everything goes well.

———— september

• 26. i passed!